I have posted my story before, but it has gotten markedly worse.
Both parents with movement disorders, living almost 2 hours away from me. Many rehab stays from falls, strokes, heart attack. I am only child.
They would never consider assisted living, said would rather die.
They hired 6 caregivers who are: on disability, getting money under the table, etc. some have been bold enough to repeatedly ask my father to give/sell them their land.
I have tried to abide by their wishes.
I love them, and although they are selfish, I tried to accommodate their wants.
Its been 6 years. I have had aggressive breast cancer, and cannot lift and push them.... I have ongoing health issues and can’t take care of myself because of all this and the constant stress. Both are way past assisted living, but still mostly mentally competent. Now, caregivers have pitted one parent against the other, possible theft.... I am getting messages and calls constantly with them all tattling on one another with my mother in the mix. I have had no life for years.
I have an 18 year old son who has been diagnosed with epilepsy and was hospitalized last week.... who cannot drive and I need to be here, now and long term for him.
I can’t take care of myself and work my part time job and field their overwhelming needs, wants, appointments..... my mother told me last night that I needed to “buck up”.
My heart is broken, and I just can’t live up to their expectations. I would never put my child in this kind of position.
I know so many of you deal with so much.... I guess I just needed to vent.
I am a person of faith, and I have prayed so often for the Lord to shed light on what to do with this mess.
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1. TALK WITH DEPT. OF AGING IN YOUR AREA TO SEE WHAT KIND OF ASSISTANCE THEY CAN OFFER
2. MEET WITH A LAWYER WHO SPECIALIZES IN ELDER CARE TO DEVELOP THE DOCUMENTS YOU NEED TO WORK WITH YOUR PARENTS - DEVELOP FINANCIL POA, WILL, HEALTH CARE POA -SEE IF YOUR PARENTS ALREADY HAVE THEM
3. MAKE A LIST OF AVAILABLE MONIES THAT COME IN AND ARANGE TO PAY BILLS [NEED POA FOR PARENTS]
4. ARE THERE OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS AND FRIENDS AROUND WHO MIGHT BE WILLING AND ABLE TO HELP YOU.
WHO HIRES THE CARE GIVERS FOR YOUR PARENTS AND WHO PAYS THEM?
TRYING TO GET SOME OF THE ISSUES DOWN SHOULD HELP YOU TO LOOK THEM AS CONCRETE ISSUES/CONCERNS/RESOLUTIONS INSTEAD OF FEELING LIKE YOU ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A STORM.
AGAIN TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST OR YOU'LL BE THE ONE NEEDING CARE [IF YOU'RE NOT ALREADY THERE WITH YOUR OWN HEALTH ISSUES.
Point: do what you can & give the rest to God. The bible tells us to cast our cares to Him.
God bless you and help you do what is right for all of your family. And may the Lord heal from inside to out in Jesus' name. Amen.
I have an elderly father who expects the same - to be number one. I'm the same got health problems with my wife/kids, young kids etc but Dad wants to be priority number 1.
Tried to explain to him that I'll do what I can for him but I do have other commitments. But is almost as if anything I have an issue with is minor league stuff and is irrelevant compared to his major league stuff.
Whenever he wants something, even minor, his comments are always something like "Can you make a big effort?", "Won't you do it to help me out?" and the classic line when I tell him I've got family commitments "Well they need to be understanding that I need your help".
Drives me up the wall. Its tough because we all want to help out our parents where we can. I'm getting better but its hard.
I feel so sad for you. Buck up? Thanks for that mother..very helpful.
This caregiving thing is just so overwhelmingly lonely and I send you love.
Daisy63
if you want to walk away a Court appointed guardian.
They can’t take care of themselves
hire aides for them or any of that
they should be in assisted living
but if they can’t adfird it you can’t be their help due to your own health issues.
I M so sorry you are having this.
Try getting them evaluated but other than hiring a better agency I guess you need to wait until they fall or worse
I keep thinking, "pray it up" rather than "buck up". Lord, please take care of this person, son and parents. I pray for peace, serenity, less pain and clear solutions for care. Give strength and hope. Amen
Within 6 months, she broke her hip and her osteoporosis was such that all her doctors said she couldn't go home. She was in an assisted living/rehab. She said she was going home. We told her, again, the above paragraph. Plus, we told her to call a cab if that's what she wanted to do - it's not a prison and no one is keeping her there. A year later, she's angry no one will help her go home but she hasn't left, either. Some part of her knows this is better. I sleep better, too.....
I know I possibly sound bossy,, even parenting dictating (maybe I got that from my 92 year old mother?), or maybe short on empathy but believe me, I'm the gal on a guardianship journey myself. I can empathize with you, telling you that your only way out, having no siblings, is to take it to a judge.
Your state government should have law online regarding all facets of guardianship (I'm dealing with Texas law that certifies only trained guardians).
Being a trained paralegal and having my form books and the information I have found online, I'm currently the final part - the longest part - the affidavit. Then I'll contact an attorney to ask him questions applicable to my specific case and find out how long the process may take...
I don't have to wish you good luck, Murphy - I know you'll have it.
THEN let all their calls go to voicemail. You need not listen to them. This is tough love, but otherwise your body cannot fight your cancer.
You MUST quickly request the court to grant your request that they appoint a guardian ad litum of your parents. The court will grant your pleading and will provide the letters of guardianship to the designated person.,be it relative or professional. A guardian will then assume supervision of your parents' needs.
Don't worry about your parents being rail-roaded. The court will appoint a lawyer who will protect their rights and take the best care to make the decision that best meets their needs.
Depending on your state, some have state-mandated specialized training leading to certification. Otherwise you can have background checks of the guardians with referrals by other children with cared for parents (long-term) to learn if they are reliable.
If the court determines that they Are still competent to make sound decisions for their own care decisions, you will officially be relieved of their abusive demands.
The application will include your notarized statement of your appraisal of their needs supported by what you personally can verify to. You can also attest to why You need relief of this impossible burden.
You won't need to actually appear in court (consult an attorney), so there will be no need to face them as that would be stress you don't need.
No matter what the court decides is needed (based on the professionals' reports) , your parents will understand that you are now out of the picture - they can no longer demand you take care of them.
THEN change your phone number or block theirs. You MUST or it will never end.
Sometimes God's answer is to take care of yourself. God helps those who help themselves.
I pray that you understand that in your deepest heart, realizing that even if you die (be it cancer or a car wreck) that you will be leaving them in good professional hands.
With deepest caring,
OneMoreTime
PS: AND.... In the meantime, tell them to hire caregivers only from an licensed agency who is legally responsible for the actions of their employees. tell them that you will no longer play their Fix-It agent. No more calls of complaints, no more rescues by you.
THEN let all their calls go to voicemail. You need not listen to them. This is tough love, but know it's the best love. If you can, select the agency yourself.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. (Talk about testing times. )
I was going to say pray but wasn’t sure how that would be received. Then I read that you are a woman of faith and my heart leapt. I too am going through a test ( cared for mom for 10 years) she has gone into sheltered housing
( you would think I’d sent her to prison )😩 she’s cried a few times and I feel so mixed up but I keep praying and giving the situation to God. He’s coming good for me , I know he is. He’s pushed me to do more than I thought I could handle.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, you’re doing an amazing job, trying to hold everything together.
I will pray for you and your family and please feel free to vent anytime. I’m here xx🙏
If they hired them then they should deal with them not call you.
Competent workers should know their jobs and perform them, even for dr appointments I think.
They gave burnt you out, and the comment she made when you were trying to explain your position is more than hurtful. Did she forget you’re talking about her grandson?
Give yourself a break you need it. Then come back with boundaries: what you will and won’t do.
If it comes to it, you may have to get them assessed. You can’t care for three people in different homes full time.
I’m sorry, I mean 4 people.
Good luck,
Charlotte
Dear Murphy,
Based on my experiences with my mom, I do not think your mother understands her situation or yours.
And, it sounds as though you are not in any position to control or influence your parents decisions.
Your good health is precious. As painful as it is, I encourage you to begin stepping away from the constant phone calls (for a long while I would get 40-100 calls a day).
Find a way to re-calibrate where you focus your energy - placing more on your well-being. Choose logically, not emotionally (or with guilt), the things you can do to be of help to your parents. Set priorities and boundaries on what you think is most important to help them with.
Your mother seems to have no grasp of what is happening and how it affects you. Her comment may have been well-intended (their generation endured a lot, often with little choice). But, it sounds as though she is cannot see the toll things are taking on you.
I learned, after years of hurt and resentment, that my mom could no longer see her situation or anyone else’s. The demands she made of me were entirely unreasonable and have cost a great price in my health, my finances and my family’s well-being.
Show yourself some kindness and find ways to step back. To be brutally honest, dementia and the aging process only lead in one direction - a downhill progression for the loved one and an uphill battle for the caregiver. Your parents’ needs will escalate, and you will want the physical and emotional reserves to help them.
Pkease take care of yourself. With best wishes to you.
"I love them, and although they are selfish, I tried to accommodate their wants."
and look what has happened to you and also what is happening to your son. You can't chalk his problems up to then but he must be a priority in your life now. You need to be in better shape to care for him and yourself. Love yourself and him at least as much as you love your parents.
"My heart is broken, and I just can’t live up to their expectations"
No, you can't, as their expectations are out of sight and will continue to be. Their game is to get all your attention, to make themselves the center of your universe. They are not mentally/emotionally healthy people and should not be running your life. Give yourself space for your heart to heal. Distance and detach from them.
Wean yourself off of your parents problems. They have caregivers and are mentally competent, if not balanced, Their monkeys, their circus - not yours,
Other here have made good suggestions. Nowhere does God say to subject yourself to your parents or to anyone, till you have a mental and physical breakdown. . Honouring them does not mean being a slave to them, Love others as you love yourself. He does say that parents should not provoke their children.
I have a narcissistic mother so I know it is hard to deal with the demands and guilt but you can. Many here have done it. You can start taking steps in the right direction now. ((((((hugs)))))
Minor children, ill children of any age, spouse, self, elder parents.
Your parents were/are competent adults who had an opportunity to plan for their elder years. If they didn't plan, that's not on your head.
Ditch the guilt.