Why do they blame you for everything. They should be grateful that you are taking care of them.

wow Bettina I think you got it right with your 10 point list.

I've kind of thought about this. Both my parents have been horrible to everyone that counted on them and behaved badly their entire lives, when they were young and cute and healthy.

I guess that I should expect they would be even more horrible given the challenges of old age and sickness. What are they going to do, all of a sudden be a nice person? When they have never risen to any challenge or looked after anything but their own interests in 75 years? How silly of me to assume that.

The important part, I had a spouse and kids and didn't repeat my parents behavior. I'm getting old and I'm not going repeat them in that respect either. Be it my spouse or kids I'm not going to make it hard on them. I have a couple of kind, graceful family members that went through disease and old age with grace, though their suffering was considerable. It is them that I choose to emulate.

Actually, I don't think I know anyone with semi normal parents....

Tiger55 I think a lot of us on here have struggled with narcissistic parents. They had their own childhood (which I guess wasn't so great) , they consumed our
childhoods, and now they want a third go of it. We have to remember there is a vast difference between providing needed care and becoming an enabler of someone's narcissistic and abusive demands. Perhaps God will sort us all out in heaven, but some of us have our own stuff (ie parent/child relationship) to sort out here on earth.

That said, boy do I get jealous of people with semi normal parents :/

So true bettina, well said! My only consolation is that the Lord knows the truth. Even though my mother does all those things you said in your list, it helps a lot that you said it, cuz it makes me feel less alone. Thanks☺🌸🙋

It's a tactic. By playing victim to whatever exaggerated or outright fabricated
failings, they get the following::

1. guilt trip you into doing more and more to get that crumb of praise
2. draw others into feeling sorry for them, thus gaining additional care giving
3. enjoying lots of attention as the aggrieved party
4. enabling projection of their own faults onto you (most senior like this are often
neglectful of their own parents and children)
5.enjoy feeling powerful as they are the ones creating family drama and chaos
6. revenge on you for not completely sacrificing your life to spend every minute
catering to them
7.by painting you the villan, they can quit living in fear if anyone finds out the
truth of their selfish or abusive nature.
8. as the poor victim of "selfish" adult child, they can feel entitled to ask others
for favors
9. exploit other's pity for invitations to family gatherings of strangers, leaving
adult child who is sick or tending to own children, fending off accusations of
abuse or neglect.
10 gets to take revenge on adult child for still having relative youth and health
and money. many abusive seniors see fit to spend all of their own money
as well as yours. Not to mention your time and energy. They resent you for
having more energy and strength than they do.

Because we don't think like they do, it seems impossible that our parents can
act like this. I've seen and heard this stuff first hand, and while I now believe
it, it's still hard for me to grasp why someone would act like this. The above
"benefits" are completely revolting. But not to somebody who is essentially
a three year old in an old person's body.

Its really important what lynnm12 & sunnygirl said about their state of mind, (whether there's any Alzheimer's going on or not). I know I'd feel a lot better if I knew my mother wasn't responsible for the awful things she says. (And I'd give anything to have even one memory of her that we pleasant & comforting, but I don't). Still, I believe God loves me & forgave me, so of course I forgive her. (But that doesn't mean I won't be glad when its over).

We must all pray for one another. Only the Lord can alleviate this downtrodden feeling and the burden we bear.

I know how you feel, (with the criticism & chronic complaints). My mother's been strange all her life, so I don't blame Alzheimer's. She's ruthlessly selfish & manipulative, (which destroyed our family). I'm the only one left for her, but we've never had any relationship. I do what I can for her because of God, but it will be a happy day for me when she finally dies. Finding folks here who can relate, means a lot. Bless you all✌💞

Know something Sunnygirl. I think when people say things like that? Even though it may hurt you. It's not really even about you. OR how they feel about you. Just says a boatload about them. And even if they somehow do feel that way about you? Take heed. And focus on those that know the REAL you!!! (not talking about my mother. Little thing has no clue what she says). But I'm referring to people who DO know what they are saying.

One more thing. If they are lucid and of sound mind! Yep, well that's an ENTIRELY different situation.

Does this person have dementia? If yes, that changes the whole situation. My mother does and the sacrifices I have made for her? Sheesh. I don't regret any of them tho because my primary goal is to keep her safe and healthy. Her car sat in her yard for almost a year-we talked so many times about selling it because I didn't want to do anything without her consent. When that was finally done, she told people on the phone I sold the car out from under her. Oh my, if you only knew what I have done and continue to do for her. When this first started it was so difficult to hear her say these things because I took it so personally. She has always been the sweetest most caring person and still is most of the time. But, I eventually accepted, she just doesn't even know what she's saying. 10 minutes later...she doesn't even remember she had a car! My niece takes care of her during the week. We have found a way to use our sense of humor to deal with it because there is nothing we can do but accept how it is with her. Mom just has no clue, and it's NOT her fault (not that knowing that always makes it easier!).  Blasted Alzheimer's. Such a thief!!!

I don't expect someone who has dementia to be grateful, because, they likely don't have the ability. What does perplex me is when a senior who doesn't have dementia is very critical and unappreciative, EVEN when you bend over backwards and go to extreme measures to help them. I recently overheard some very mean comments about that from one of my LO's. It hit me hard. It hurt so bad, that I couldn't even cry.....I don't think I'll get over that anytime soon. But, I am trying to forgive them. I had no idea they felt that way about me. So, sometimes, you just can't please people. My best is my best though.