Just need to vent. You all don’t need to read or comment. I understand.
Late this morning, my Christmas “celebration” was unceremoniously dumped into the trash bin. I got a few texts from my kids that pretty much made any plans I’d made pretty much worthless.
I've been setting aside a few bucks here and there for a few months, since I went back to work, so I could invite my kids and their families over for Christmas Eve. I haven’t done so for two years since my mom passed and our finances got so bad. I was going to pick my oldest grandson up on Saturday and we were going to shop, cook and decorate the house, something else I haven’t done in two years. I texted the kids and told them to be here at 3:30 since my daughter originally said she was working until 3.
My son texted back and said that he was invited over to his in-laws. He has not ever gotten along with them and they have finally invited him over with their daughter and our new grandson. I’m happy for him but he has thrown me and our Christmas Eve under the bus. He said he would make the 45 minute trip here to spend an hour here and then rush back to head to his in-laws. I told him not to bother. My daughter said she was now scheduled to work until “5 or 5:30”. She said my son-in-law and my other grandsons would come over at 3 but she wouldn’t be here until 6 or later. With nighttime preparations for hubby, by the time we socialized, ate, the kids opened their gifts and they left, I wouldn’t have hubby ready until after midnight.
Our family Christmas get-together has been completely trashed. I’m sure the kids don’t realize how hurt I am. I will be accused of being unreasonable. I am being “fit in” because they apparently have better things to do even though we’ve had these plans for 6 weeks. I had mentioned them coming over the 30th but I’m cancelling out on that. I will UPS the kids’ gifts to them. Hubby and I will most likely have Chunky Soup for Christmas Dinner.
This truly sucks. .
In my family, we traded off holidays. We had Thanksgiving with my in-laws and Christmas Eve with my family. Christmas Day we went to SILs fathers. Mom has dinner Christmas Eve always so we had no conflict, really. The spouses families have to realize that its not just them anymore. The spouse has a family too.
We miss the old Christmas too. My parents are gone as are my Aunts and Uncles. Mom had 4 kids. At least half of us were home TG and Christmas. I miss my brother asking the other to pass the rolls and he proceeded to throw it at him. Miss my Aunt especially who was always there at all the dinners. Now they are just my immediate family. One daughter a nurse so never sure if she works or not. Other daughter is a vegetarian so she brings her own food. Grandsons and nephew. Its pretty much eat and run.
Not sure why, this year felt different. I enjoyed decorating. Hubby even put up lights and garland on railing outside. Bought one of those outside candles. I cut back on my baking. Lasagna for dinner for the last few years because of the nurse. Just my daughters and us at the table. (daughter and husband separated this year) (Nephew and grandson, 25, chose to eat in family room watching TV) We had a nice conversation and some laughs. It was nice. It felt more Christmasy this year. Don't know why.
The days were nothing like Christmases past. I’m trying to put them in a box on a shelf in my mind and forget about what didn’t happen and how sad I was those days. Hopefully, we will be able to all get together when everyone’s schedule meshes. In truth, I’m just glad it’s over.
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I've been reading everyone's responses and here's my takeaway: Be flexible. Recognize that times have changed. With so much divorce and remarriage, families struggle to include everyone and cover all their bases where holidays are concerned. Don't be part of the problem. Get creative! Expecting Christmases like those of our past may end in disappointment. Adjust and redefine!
That being said, there have been comments here regarding family members who agree to holiday plans made in advance and bail at the last minute. I too have been on the receiving end of this and it's downright infuriating to host a gathering and have guests bail in favor of a "better" offer! Been there. Done that.
When I was a young mom, my house was too small to invite too many at a time, so I got in the habit of hosting Christmas dinners by having husband's family one year and my family the next, alternating years, so to speak. These dinners were very popular. I pulled out all the stops with decorating, cooking for days, etc. and really enjoyed doing it. Everyone loved my holiday dinners. But after a decade or so of this, I noticed that no one in either family was reciprocating! I got to the point I wanted to be "the guest" at least once in awhile, so I started dropping subtle hints that perhaps they host next year. No one took the hint and made the effort. So it's kinda sad, really. Now that I'm older and live far away, the kids seldom come to my house for Christmas (despite my invitations) and they don't invite me to their houses but all go to their in-law's.
I don't know how this situation evolved. Maybe it was something I did or didn't do. Makes me feel like a pariah! All I know is I love my family and wish we spent more time together, especially for the holidays. But I don't spend my time pouting or complaining to them about it. It is what it is. You could say I've learned to alter my expectations.
Thanks for listening! And Merry Christmas!!
Thinking you all found a turkey in a dumpster, I ran on over here. I am returning to the dinner thread now!
I don't know about anyone else, but frankly - I’m pretty fed up with being the only one “making an effort” and “making concessions”.
If anyone sees little Cindy Lou - from Who-ville- send her my way cause right now I couldn’t give a flying eff about Christmas.
Bad morning.
The truth of the matter is we never know how long we have on earth, we don't know how long we have the people we love either.
My family holidays get together fell apart many moons ago. So, I decided to have my parents over for Thanksgiving dinner in 09, well, I was going to school and became ill; my father and mother became ill this all happened of the years. I always thought I would have time to get it right. My dad died in 2014, I ran out of time...that was the last meal/holiday I had with him! There isn't a day that goes by were I think really "I couldn't have done something different? Maybe having a small dinner at a time when we were all feeling better, and there were times that it could have worked. I would do anything to just have one meal with him!
Please don't throw away this opportunity to talk to them. Give them another chance to make it work...who knows you may not get another chance.
Just a thought! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Change the date. Hire a nurse for dad for two days. Go visit your kids at their homes. Find a different way.
Merry Christmas!!
My daughter used to work Christmas Day as a hospital nurse, to let the others with families and young children have the holiday while she got the extra pay. And later, she had to balance me, her father and stepbrothers, and her new husband’s family. And her parents-in-law were balancing another daughter, who was also balancing her own in-laws. It is hard to suit everyone, and my expectations got to be a bit low.
At a time when I was feeling bad about being treated with real disrespect, I decided to confront it. It then went from bad to worse, to much worse. There won’t even be a phone call on Christmas Day this year. Would it have been better to ignore it? Perhaps. I think I would have done it differently if I had known the results.
Look after your own happiness. Organising all of this is like trying to solve Rubik’s Cube. Don’t feel that you or your family have failed if you don’t get the wretched cube to work out.
When I was a child we went to my mom's aunt and uncles house, they had kids both older and younger than me (they had 6 kids)and the entire extended family would go as well as my (my mother's actually) aunt's family, she was from very Italian roots and that side of the family while not really mine was mine at Christmas. As I got older and on my own I still never missed going there Christmas night but as they aged, family grew, people passed and things changed so did the party but I still remember and lament that my son never experienced my great uncles singing We Three Kings around the piano (my great aunt was an opera singer and voice coach) or Carmel's lasagna. When my parent's split we still all got together (their significant others included) for Christmas and when I established my own home it was moved there so it could be on neutral territory, later it was sometimes at my brothers and when my fathers 3rd wife didn't make the trip (they moved to FL) we even did it at my mom's or grandmothers because both my mom and dad were fine with that. My point being the place didn't matter so much as long as it worked and the timing was so difficult as everyone grew and had kids, both brothers as well as my dad are/were pilots, we started celebrating our family Christmas on Epiphany or as close as we could all do that. That is the day gifts were originally given and it took the other pressures off everyone so Santa could visit our kids in their own homes (and do other in-law visits), my mom would come up to our house for years since my son was the oldest, closest and only grandchild for a few years.
We started some new traditions for our family Epiphany/Christmas celebration, adults drawing names for the following year so we had one person to do something special for for instance but kept those that had been really important to my brothers and I, stockings for instance were the best part of Christmas for us as young kids and as we got older we started contributing to everyone's stocking so everyone got surprises, nothing big, lots of fun cheap toys or little items and candy and when our kids got old enough they got to participate in the fun of shopping for everyone's stocking (a few years they were baskets). My point being that moving the date actually worked in our favor, no one was rushed or pressured when we got together, we all just hung out together for 2 days and enjoyed down time together, relaxed while including some of the old and some new traditions. Do I miss some of the old, yes but I have never come away from a Christmas disappointed, each has been very special in it's own way even now when we don't all get together anymore, we go to my brother and mom every few years when bro has his daughter, they were supposed to come here this year but she got sick so now he and mom will come after she goes back to her mom's but my husband, son & I have been enjoying our small quiet Christmas Day's last few years anyway and the real important things remain constant, getting quality time with those we care about most around the tree at Christmas time actual date doesn't
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
I understand holidays are meant for family celebrations. I also understand that you are upset that they are not coming at the time you requested. I don't understand why you are making a big deal out of the fact that they said they would come but just not the times you stated. I would be thankful that they offered to come period. the kids are young. active, have second families
now, and want to visit everyone all in one day. So they are not coming the time you requested, you should be thankful that they
cared enough about you to
change their schedules for you.
my suggestion would be to tell them to enjoy their second families and set up your dinner Christmas eve or even the day after Christmas. its the time together and the love that comes with them that counts.
don't be hurt, I am sure each and everyone of us have hurt our parents feelings not meaning too.
sit back relax, and enjoy the family that you have, just at a different day and time.
try and have a wonderful holiday no matter what you decide to do.
Younger folks are more mobile. They live wherever. And - sad but true - most do not place much of a distinction between actually being present vs FaceTime/Skype vs a text vs pulling a no-show.
Older folks want what they want. Amidst a litany of real “can’t” and fabricated “can’t”.
The middle generation is double-squeezed. Someone is always stressed to the max or disappointed.
Fixating on December 25th makes a bad thing worse. It’s a season, not a day.
Wanting things to be exactly like they were 20-30-40 years ago is magical thinking.
Amongst (what’s left of) my family and in-laws, my guy & I are “the default.” With every flip of the calendar, the only way the family has a chance of seeing each other is if we function as the Party Spot, the Chow Line or the Holiday Inn.
Every so-called celebration brings us a little bit closer to telling them all to cram it. But 83-y.o. MIL is no longer in her own home and no longer drives. It would be heartless to pull the plug on her sense of family (fractured and dysfunctional as it all has become).
“Go along to get along” served me well in my 20s and 30s. It became a trap in my 40s and 50s.
I know that if I could (somehow) be sanguine about the crackpots in the family, I’d sigh less. And dread less. And clench my jaw less.
But that’s not how I’m wired.
I struggle to see past the fact (yes, fact) that the substance abusers, the hopelessly self-centered and outright narcissists are exempt from being considerate.
I finally had to realize a few years back that they are developing their own traditions and are being pulled in many directions by their spouses same familial connections. That is the way it is, but it doesn’t have to ruin those remaining opportunities with your family. We made adjustments and still enjoy each other as we can.
Yesterday two people were killed in an accident just blocks away. My first thought was those lost future familial opportunities for them and their families.
Please, adjust and savor every opportunity, whether exactly as hoped for or not. You will not regret it nor will your family members.
God Bless you in this hurtful but not helpless situation.
I could barely get through wrapping Christmas presents for my Niece and Nephew and their families because they reminded me of my Mom and that she is no longer here (Mom died September 17, 2018). Mom LOVED CHRISTMAS and LOVED hosting the Family Christmas Gatherings each year at the house she and I lived in. In 2017, Mom was in the nursing home at Christmas time and after visiting her for 45 minutes, we left because she was having trouble understanding what was going on. Mom knew it was Christmas because we opened presents, but she was not able to be part of our conversations like she used.
Instead of my Brother and his family driving to our house (Mom and mine) for Christmas and Mom's Birthday on Dec 28th like they have the past 10+ years, I will have to drive alone to my Niece's or Nephew's house in another state for the holidays. "Out with the Old (Generation) and In with the New (Generation)." The torch has been passed to my Brother's Children.