Mom is 92. She was diagnosed with a benign brain tumor, and dementia in 2014. She can no longer dress herself, think logically, go to the bathroom by herself, or carry on a conversation. My sister, aunt (whose 82), and myself have taken care of her. I’m ready to put Mom in a memory care facility. My sister is against it. How can I convince her it’s time? We have been taking care of her in her home.
The directors have answers and have seen about everything that there is to see.
We just transferred mom into a beginning level memory care (from assisted living) and it is wonderful knowing that she is safe, well cared for, and that we can visit as often as we want to.
As a nurse and with former long term care experience, I VOWED never to put mom into a 'home' - I would've rather her live with me. Well, I offered that option a few times to mom, and she thinks that I live "too far away" from things and declined the offer. I had a tough time with that for a while, until I saw the amazing, new memory care places that have recently opened up - and I am IMPRESSED.
They are nothing like the 'w/c assembly line in the hallway' type rest home that I worked at and vowed over.
Bright, spacious, (locked facilities for safety) with a warm welcoming look, specific dementia-type activities (they are able to watch or take part with), with totally separate, different buildings for different levels of memory care... I can't say enough how wonderfully peaceful it is for me to know that mom isn't just 'dumped at some place'. They care. It shows. It is best for HER.
Who is the power of attorney for mom? They make the final decision. Get brochures, get excited, know what mom qualifies for for finances - and do what is best for mom's needs.
The New Year is a good time to start planning. Set a date for stepping away so that you are working toward a deadline. If your mother's financials and important paperwork are done, you have a good place where to start. If not, start there.
Planning for services that your mother needs is your priority. Things like meals, laundry, bathing, and safety. If your sister is unwilling to consider a memory care facility, pivot to bringing those services into your mother's home.
If you feel you can be honest with your sister and aunt that the help your mother needs is beyond what you yourself can continue to provide, honesty is best. Your mother will need more help as her health declines further. Prepare yourself that some people fail to consider the toll caregiving takes on us caregivers. And if that is the case, then just stick to planning for things like meals, laundry, bathing, etc. Good luck!
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I wonder about the 82 year old. Does she have children? How is she holding up to this situation? What is her opinion?
At some point will you and sister be caring for your aunt?
Is there a senior day care that your mom could go to? Is it possible for mom to get respite care for a few days or a week to give you both some needed time off?
I wish I knew the magic answer.
My sister and I shared responsibility for my mom for awhile. Nowhere near the problems you have but when my sister was diagnosed with cancer I told her she was out. My mother and sister had a cantankerous relationship over the years. They lived close to one another. I was three hours away. After sisters diagnosis, I made the trip weekly and managed moms care until she died. After my sisters surgery and rehab she was able to come back into my mom’s life as a daughter visiting and not a caretaker. I had been that visitor for most of our adult life so while my relationship became one of duty and stress, my sisters improved dramatically. When my mother died, my sister was able to grieve while I was so numb from caregiving that it took me years to recover.
With no actual experience with placement, I can only imagine what that would be like. Not my first choice. Obviously it wasn’t your first choice either. But I can appreciate your desire to back away from hands on at this point.
Let us know how you resolve this with your sister and your aunt.
Why is your sister against doing this? Did she promise Mom she would always care for her at home? Or is she thinking about budgeting the cost to have Mom in a senior facility?
There comes a time when seniors [or one who is pushing senior citizen age] shouldn't be taking care of older seniors. I know how exhausting that was and here I wasn't even hands-on. It can take a physical and emotional toll on everyone who is caring for Mom at home, because we no longer has the same energy we had when in our 20's or 30's.
Someone is definitely losing a lot of sleep at night. That is why nursing home staff is usually 2 or 3 shifts of workers. And you will notice hardly any of the Staff are senior citizens themselves. There's a very good reason for that.
Are you sharing the care of your mom? In her home, yours or your sister's?
If you withdraw from her care, what options will the others have?
It sounds as though you know what is best for your mom.