I'm not the typical "New Year's Resolutions" kind of person. I kind of go through life trying to roll with the punches and trying (unsuccessfully) to make other people's lives better.
A long year with too much giving, both emotional and monetary—to too many people, and a blowout with my MIL have left me reeling this holiday season.
Lost a good friend over my being blind to her ability to use people and then discard them when they no longer serve a purpose. Lost $4000 on trying to help her, financially, b/c she needed help paying for storage/moving pods. For 3 months, I was there EVERY SINGLE day for 6-10 hrs, cleaning and packing.....and in the end, I come home from a short trip to the PNW and find out she's not moving. She unpacks the pods and of course, she's still CHARGED for them...and no sale of her home with which to pay me back.
And she's mad at ME.
MIL thing is simply 43 years of ongoing hatred on her part. DH has begged me on his knees to PLEASE go with him to visit her, he hates going to see her alone--last visit she was so unbelievably mean to me--right in front of DH (who is quite deaf, and clueless)..when she realized he wasn't going to say a word in my defense, she doubled down and dragged some garbage up from 30-35 years ago--finally I just stood up and asked DH to please unlock the car. I went out and sat in it and waited for him.
About 10 minutes he comes out and says "I hate taking you to visit mom, it's like sitting on a powderkeg". Well, I didn't WANT to go, I was stuck in the middle of errand running.
All I did was look at him and say "Listen to me: I am NEVER and I mean NEVER make and attempt to see your mother again in my life. If you had been listening you would UNDERSTAND". Oh he had been listening and just was so glad she wasn't ragging on him, he just let her go.
My therapist said that my going to MIL's with hubby is like being cannon fodder--or the first line of defense. She shoots me b/c she can.
And oh yes, my gosh, it IS VERY personal.
I don't have time or energy for people who suck the life out of me.
And I will continue to be kind and loving to everyone--but there's a limit. I cannot handle the anger that comes from the toxic folk--we all have them i our lives. I'm just not going to be so all encompassingly "nice" anymore.
It will be a challenge, but I know I can do it. And do it w/o making myself feel guilty.
Anybody else out there feeling they've given about 10xs too much this year--and years' previous??
Putting this in "burnout" b/c I think this is what it is.
The book "Boundaries" is helpful, but I found that once I stopped taking the bait and saying "no" to toxic communication, these people disappeared.
In the end, if you don't take care if yourself life will not be worth living and you will sacrifice your goodness and talents for nothing. Please take good care of yourself/yourselves everyone.
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I have also been cutting out daughter in law's that can't seem to be bothered to say "thank you" for boxes, envelopes, money, and gifts. Also grandchildren that are old enough to text, phone, or facebook to simply say "hello", but only do so when they need something. I have found that when I have nothing to give, they move on to the next person on the list. It is not my responsibility to care for those people. Actually I do them a disservice to continue to fund their every whim.
My circle of friends and family is much smaller than it has been in years. However, I enjoy this circle much more. It is filled with family and friends that are supportive, kind, understanding, and who help me be a better version of myself. Cutting out the excess, I seem to have more time to start a company, to do the things that make me happy, to have a life filled with joy. What took me so long?? :)
Your answers always make me smile. Have a Happy New Year girl. May we all have a fresh start!
in love and light.....
I took care of my dad who has dementia for five years and after severe burn out he is now living with my brother. I had a one year break during which I helped care for a terminally ill cousin with cancer. I have now moved my mother who has dementia in to my home two months ago and I find myself in a worse situation than I was in when I cared for my dad. I do not have time or the patience to deal with family members or friends who do not help to relieve the pressure I am under but want to lay there issues with me about how I do not conform to their standards.
Keep looking out for yourself and do your best to take care of yourself. I want to let you know you are not alone in your feelings.
Thank you for your post. I'm so sorry to hear about what happened with your friend and mother-in-law.
I've had that terrible disease to please since I was a child. I don't know why. Is it just my personality? My DNA? Lack of love from my own mother? Always desperate to help and please and be useful. They say that women tend to need to seen, acknowledged and validated.
Since my father passed two years ago. I have tried so hard to set better boundaries. Even at work I tried to be helpful with the kitchen duties only have the cleaner be upset when I didn't run the dishwasher. So tired of being taken for granted and feeling like nothing I do matters to anyone.
I sincerely hope 2019, I will be better at taking care of myself. I don't know what that looks like, but I'm going to try.
Sending you hugs, my friend.
www.bottomlineinc.com/life/relationships/how-to-gracefully-end-a-bad-relationship-with-a-friend-loved-one-or-business-associate
I wish you the very best.
Hoping 2019 is your breakthru year!
Betsey P.
Also--was up this am at 12:45 to "mark" the anniversary of the passing of my sweet dad. 15 years. Seems like yesterday. Miss him all the time, but I feel his presence a lot--it isn't a 'sad hurt'.
This time of year--well we DO feel inclined to think we need to revamp our lives from a-z...and really, nothing changes except my medical co-pays start up again and it's really cold here. I do get organized every year, start fresh with notebooks, etc where I keep track of finances, investments, health information and now a new folder that is ideas for the 'retirement' home we'll be remodeling/planning on for next year.
I'm probably looking down the barrel of a fairly complex foot surgery, but this is necessary as I broke my foot 15 months ago and didn't deal with it. Yup, been walking on a busted foot for 15 months b/c I wouldn't take the time to really find out what was wrong with it.
That--my friends--was part of the tipping scale for me. Along with the leeching friend, the holidays in general, MIL's blowout and my kids lack of "gratitude" for the Christmas I gave them--sheesh, I gave up. (In fairness to the kids, they are all well off and needed nothing and I gave them all something they didn't like nor need--I also decided that this year (2019) they will get an honor card from my favorite charity. This year the grands will get ONE gift and their usual stocking stuffers.) I'm already planning Christmas and it's 51 weeks away :)
I have NEVER EVER EVER put myself first. NEVER. I am working on this in therapy and I tell you, it's slooooooow going. It's like I am changing my core being.
Of course I will still step in and step up when needed. But at MY choice and decision and NEVER again in the manner I used to.
I am sad/glad that I let my hair down for a minute and wrote this post. I think a lot of us need the "permission" to not be perfect.
Truth is, we are still doing a heck of a lot for others, right? And that's OK as long as we're not expecting any reward or thanks-that's it's truly and simply service--and not enabling.
Good luck to all of us!
Hubby and I discovered we had put ourselves into a similar situation. We were out of town and away from the folks we were helping when we realized how depleted we were. The hard part is not wanting to become mean, needy, uncaring, etc. while drawing the necessary lines dealing with folks in need of our support.
take care of yourself
So I empathize and sympathize with what you're facing.
They will be the loosers!
Now everyone has moved on, my husband broke my heart and moved in with his rich mother, and his just happy go lucky man living in the mountains and acts as if nothing ever happened, and we were married for 10 years. I'm heart broken and disappointed in people!
Now, I'm left to raise my 8 year old gran-daughter, because my daughter decided it was ok to have a baby out of wedlock and the father is no where to be found and she hasn't grown up yet. hmmmm?? And my 86 year old mother, who was dropped off at my house because none of my brother's wanted to take responsibility and help out even though my plate was already full. They rather party, travel and spend, spend and spend money like there's no tomorrow.
My mother's health has declined just in the last few days due to dementia. She now poops in trash cans and urinates on the floor even with a diaper on. I went to bed last night at 4 am and it wasn't a new years eve party, but cleaning poop and urine off the floor. I'm starting to feel burned out and depressed. I have no one to talk to.
And to top it off, right at this very moment, I'm couphing my brains out with an upper respiratory infection and flu like symptoms from the heavy chem trails spraying we got 2 weeks ago. No sun, all rain and no fun here in GA.
The other Friend #2 cared for her mom by hiring help to come into her mom's house 24/7 round the clock while she built her dream house across the country. Once in that dream house I got looks of disgust at my home when she visited. My home was spotless and well decorated, but needed updating. The bragging from this "friend" about her "living in the best place on Earth and everyone else's home and town is cr*% has created anger issues in me. What have I worked for my whole life if all is bad?! So yes, I understand where you are coming from and need to try myself to cut the cords! I wish you strength in the New Year!