Support Group for Caregivers:

Anyone else here have their message board infiltrated? Messages that were there suddenly disappear. Messages come on from poster that has left the site. A message is there but can't be responded to. Having a question asked and not bothering to change the picture the previous poster used. Well that all happened today. Be careful with who you think people are.

Most people know when to call 911 or if they don't they probably won't come here looking for advice.

Find support here.
We want loving, understanding support, being held up when we are down.

Crusher, you need to stop visiting as much as you do. Even if your mom calls you all the time you need to change the cycle. Otherwise this will continue. She'll get used to the new schedule or she won't. But for your own sake and sanity you'll have to do this.

Crusher,
Those mini-vacations can work wonders. It is time you take one, imo.
Welcome, hoping you find support, knowing there are others who are experiencing your challenges right now.

Good venting! You have been read.

Going on 5 years now as the primary care giver to my mom. Last October had to make the toughest decision of my life and move her into a nursing home after she fell at home with me 15 feet away sleeping on her couch. She fell out of her chair she would sleep in. (End Stages COPD). I moved in to take care of her. Finished her basement into an apartment. 8 weeks after, had to start sleeping on her couch to be able to hear her breathing and be there if she had an exasperation. I completely put my life on hold. My late 30's and now early 40s have been spent taking care of her. Whereas part of me is thankful I was in the position to be that person, it has changed me. I am exhausted. I am burned out. I am tired. I am angry. I get short with her at times when she will focus and dwell on something that is not relevent (to me at least) and I feel horrible when I snap out of it knowing she doesn't entirely know whats going on. She is pretty much still with it, aside from the confusion here and there and the fact she will focus on 1 thing and won't stop mentioning it until it is done. I could be something as simple as moving a coffee cup off her tray table. It could be me wiping out an alert on her phone. I feel I am losing the compassion and patience I have always had and have always been proud of to be honest. I have 3 siblings who each visit 1 day a week. We all live within 20 minutes of the nursing home. I am there 7 days a week. If I can't be there I will do all I can to arrange for one my siblings to at least stop by for an hour. Then the excuses start. They have kids, they have wives, etc. I am sorry, but if an hour out of your life during the week is too much to ask, then I don't need you in my family. That is where I am at now and I hate it. I hate the resentment I have towards my siblings. I hate that my mom now has the expectation that I am there 7 days a week. During the week I get out of work at and visit until 8pm. Then drive 40 minutes home. Rinse and repeat. Weekends I am there from 12pm until 8pm. The problem being now, if I am not there she panics. She will call non stop on my cell phone throughout the night. I will not remove her phone due to that is her lifeline and i am not 100% sold on the staff there being 100% dedicated to her care. Then again, that can be said about all nursing homes to an extent. I am just tired. I haven't been on even a mini vacation since 8/2014 when I took her to Myrtle Beach for what would be her last vacation.
Yesterday we celebrated Christmas at my brothers house. When the day was over it was left to me to bring her back and deal with the " I don't want to be here" and "Why do I need to be here". I would have loved nothing more than to have kept her in her residency with the help of an aid. But she needed 24/7 care. January 2019 she fell and broke her hip in the nursing home. Being no surgery could be performed they told us 3 days to a week. That was almost a year ago. We spent 6 weeks on edge, getting funeral arraingements set up, calling relatives in to visit. My brain has turned to a bowl of oatmeal at this point. I just want to sleep and can't. I don't sleep given the calls at all hours of the night.

I really didn't have a question. I more needed to vent and get this off my chest. my siblings response has always been "well you don't have kids or a family so...." So basically because I put my life on hold it is expected it remain on hold until that day comes when I am no longer needed to care for my mom.....

Just tired, burned out, frustrated, stressed, Exhausted in NY

Hoping that Tiger is having a better winter than expected. "Grueling Winters" sound rough. Your friends miss you Tiger.

For those who celebrate Christmas as the Birth of Jesus, Merry Christmas!

Happy Holidays to everyone.!

Hi Little Orchid!
The caregiver's work is such that most are reluctant, if not very reluctant, but we power on through it with the support of others here in this community.
That is not to say we should be hurting ourselves. Often, there are other choices that can be found to protect ourselves.

LittleOrchid, this too shall pass. Hopefully you will still be healthy enough to enjoy the retirement you planned after your care giving duties are completed. Until then, I would encourage you to take "mini-vacations". Anything from attending a garden show to a couple of days in a local luxury hotel can be an experience to enjoy. One of my favorites is checking into a hotel with a in room whirlpool tub and several nice restaurants in walking distance. I sleep, take a walk through the historic district to a enjoy a good meal, soak in the tub with a book in my hand or read on the room's balcony. I may not travel very far in physical distance but the trip in my world view is very satisfying.

Hi. I am new here. I am a very reluctant caregiver. My Mom is almost 96, my sisters and I are in our late '60's and '70's. Mom ought to be in some kind of residential care as she has little mobility, can't see well, won't wear her hearing aids, doesn't eat properly, falls a lot, etc. However, she simply refuses to consider it.
My 3 sisters and I take her shopping, pushing her around in a lightweight transport chair in spite of the fact that we have artificial joints, multiple spinal surgeries and arthritis of various sorts.
One bright spot is that, with 4 of us, we each get a little time for ourselves and our own families. I take a lot of pleasure in taking care of my gardens when I get the opportunity. I would love it if I could spend a couple of hours out in my gardens every day, but I have too many other responsibilities for that.
I keep wondering what happened to that nice retirement I saved for: time for hobbies, reading, taking tea on the porch. Perhaps I should have spent the money on wild living and died young?

Saying goodbye to Grannie Annie, who is leaving us.

I think we all need the wisdom of people over 65,
And people over 70,
And people over 80, 90 too!

How else will the young whippersnappers learn to be respectful, polite, kind, and use their brains for good thoughts?

No offense meant to anyone, of any age.

Heart troubles can so closely mimic stress and panic attacks that it is always wise to get checked out, especially since so many women die because they don't take their symptoms seriously.

Sendhelp - Excellent! Thanks. I had my first panic attack at least a month after hsuband #1 died. No idea what it was, till someone in my bereavement group described hers, and she went to ER thinking heart attack! Follow up was necessary. The trauma and exhaustion of his care and death caused a number of new physical changes.

During a panic attack, you may have a feeling of intense fear or terror, trouble breathing, chest pain or tightness, heartbeat changes, dizziness, sweating, and shaking. A panic attack starts suddenly and usually lasts from 5 to 20 minutes but may last even longer. You have the most anxiety about 10 minutes after the attack starts. An attack can begin with a stressful event, or it can happen without a cause.
Although panic attacks can cause scary symptoms, you can learn to manage them with self-care, counseling, and medicine.
Follow-up care is a key part of your treatment and safety. Be sure to make and go to all appointments, and call your doctor if you are having problems. It's also a good idea to know your test results and keep a list of the medicines you take.
How can you care for yourself at home?
Take your medicine exactly as directed. Call your doctor if you think you are having a problem with your medicine.
Go to your counseling sessions and follow-up appointments.
Recognize and accept your anxiety. Then, when you are in a situation that makes you anxious, say to yourself, "This is not an emergency. I feel uncomfortable, but I am not in danger. I can keep going even if I feel anxious."
Be kind to your body:
Relieve tension with exercise or a massage.
Get enough rest.
Avoid alcohol, caffeine, nicotine, and illegal drugs. They can increase your anxiety level, cause sleep problems, or trigger a panic attack.
Learn and do relaxation techniques. See below for more about these techniques.
Engage your mind. Get out and do something you enjoy. Go to a funny movie, or take a walk or hike. Plan your day. Having too much or too little to do can make you anxious.
Keep a record of your symptoms. Discuss your fears with a good friend or family member, or join a support group for people with similar problems. Talking to others sometimes relieves stress.
Get involved in social groups, or volunteer to help others. Being alone sometimes makes things seem worse than they are.
Get at least 30 minutes of exercise on most days of the week to relieve stress. Walking is a good choice. You also may want to do other activities, such as running, swimming, cycling, or playing tennis or team sports.
Relaxation techniques
Do relaxation exercises for 10 to 20 minutes a day. You can play soothing, relaxing music while you do them, if you wish.
Tell others in your house that you are going to do your relaxation exercises. Ask them not to disturb you.
Find a comfortable place, away from all distractions and noise.
Lie down on your back, or sit with your back straight.
Focus on your breathing. Make it slow and steady.
Breathe in through your nose. Breathe out through either your nose or mouth.
Breathe deeply, filling up the area between your navel and your rib cage. Breathe so that your belly goes up and down.
Do not hold your breath.
Breathe like this for 5 to 10 minutes. Notice the feeling of calmness throughout your whole body.
As you continue to breathe slowly and deeply, relax by doing the following for another 5 to 10 minutes:
Tighten and relax each muscle group in your body. You can begin at your toes and work your way up to your head.
Imagine your muscle groups relaxing and becoming heavy.
Empty your mind of all thoughts.
Let yourself relax more and more deeply.
Become aware of the state of calmness that surrounds you.
When your relaxation time is over, you can bring yourself back to alertness by moving your fingers and toes and then your hands and feet and then stretching and moving your entire body. Sometimes people fall asleep during relaxation, but they usually wake up shortly afterward.
Always give yourself time to return to full alertness before you drive a car or do anything that might cause an accident if you are not fully alert. Never play a relaxation tape while driving a car.
When should you call for help?

Call 911 anytime you think you may need emergency care. For example, call if:
You feel you cannot stop from hurting yourself .

Grannie Annie- you are right practice makes better, especially in patience.
No coincidence, a happenstance :)

"How to change negative thoughts into positive."  I know the more I actually do it, the easier it becomes, unless there is an unacknowledged issue going on.  My DH would sometimes say, What's REALLY going on?

On Fri. I took my DH to the cancer clinic for his once-a-month blood test and maybe treatment to raise blood count.  He can no longer drive distances, and this trip is over an hour.  Usually the traffic is light for the first half, and we can make good time.  Not this time!  Ten minutes into the trip we came up on a slow below speed limit car that was weaving over center line.  I dared not pass, and dropped back for when he'd hit a tree or oncoming car.  Somehow he made it nearly 20 miles to a driveway, and we took off.  A few miles later we came up on road construction and one-lane waits.   Then another very slow old lady.  Too much traffic by then to pass, so I resigned to go slow again.  I chuckled as I decided maybe God gave us the job of following to save them from being rear-ended.  Then I thought, What's my lesson here?  Oh, a lesson in patience!  With that realization the slow car immediately turned left, and we made it without being late.  Coincidence?

Durn auto correct!
Here I am, trying to address this to: t e v I n c o l o r a d o.
The auto correct just inserts reconciliation, over and over again.

There are a few like that in many support groups. I understand how you would not feel good about going back.

The group moderators should have taken care of that long before you attended, imo. That is why you won't go back, because you cannot trust them.
Funny thing, when I do not go back to a group, the group loses two people.
The offending party must leave, and me, I choose to leave.

Love.
Love and support for all who have come by here.

Just a sharing group, you don't need to have everything right yet.
You don't need to mentor others.
Just showing up is so great!

h e l l o

GrannieAnnie:) it's a good start, 2daydream about your traveling... cuz it revs up your motivation & will help u get to the planning stage! (If you feel like u & hubby are well enuff to go on the trip, ...go4it!) Many of my neighbors go south for winter months, cuz it can be gruelling here.
I hope it works out 4u, keep us posted😳.

Tiger, my first winter without caregiving also.  Well, except for all the aging stuff and restrictions we are dealing with.  More time inside.  I did phone therapy once, which was fine with me, but not my therapist who likes to read body language.  Never thought of it as a regular thing.  Let me know if you find out.
We've been doing wishful dreaming again about traveling, anywhere without ice underfoot. Or any kind of bad weather.  Maybe we need a Tardis complete with food and comfy bed, to travel the universe with a crazy Timelord. 

I tried to be in a caregivers support group in our little village. There are 2 men there who are not caregivers. They are on the lookout for rich widows. I won't go anymore.

Has anyone had online therapy? I did once, but it was group style & therefore a useless mess. (Format was so disorganized).
Anyway, what about individual online therapy? I'm considering that for the winter months, cuz I'm inside more, & worry I'll feel crazy. It's my first winter with no caregiving, & now no job.
(Cannot face any more SSRIs, either).
So, has anyone had online therapy? (What kind of therapist)?
Thank you, tiger.

We must not deny ourselves the right to do the things that bring you joy!

Great 'tidbit' thanks caring4ken...'you must not deny yourself the right to do the things that bring you joy.' Wow, (How long will it take 4that to sink in?) It seems too good 2 be true, but will get my 'sticky note' up tonight! 😳

It took me awhile to accept this tidbit of wisdom, but once I did it was like having a weight lifted from my shoulders

you must not deny yourself the right to do the things that bring you joy.

GrannieAnnie, your heart has a gift for storytelling in it... (or writing of some sort). I hope you go for it! (If I may guess: mystery writing?). Magazines run short stories... So send them one or two! Tell us how it goes:)🐅

Thanks Tiger.  Yes at one time.

GrannieAnnie, so glad it turned out well for u on vaca. (Lots of good choices you made to keep urself safe!) I enjoyed reading your post, (you have a flair for storytelling, did you ever want to be a writer?) 🌈

My 'vacation' nearly got derailed on the first travel day.  I was nervous, didn't sleep well, and nodded off while driving to the bus station.  Oncoming vehicle and one behind me gave me lots of space (yes, I only drifted over center line and came back to).  I stopped for coffee, but it did not help, so I parked and slept, then returned home.  The plane had not left yet, so I rescheduled for next day, and paid the extra.  At age 72 I swallowed my pride and got a ride to the bus (an hour away) which took me to Boston for the flight.  Got a wheelchair and taken to gate (good thing! The whole airport has been enlarged and rearranged).  Son and Daughter-in-law picked me up, and all went very well after that.

Having time away from seeing all the unfinished work at home, and trying to be upbeat for husband, was a wonderful way to rejuvenate.  My kids asked me about my own aging plans, so I'm starting to firm them up.

A wise old woman once told me to never pray for patience. She said God would send me trials to test my patience. I quickly told her that I was never going to pray for patience again. She told me to pray for wisdom. Smart advice.