Taking care of elderly parents blows...

DollyMe, I'm stuck here. I have a great house, out of which I run my own business, have a large fenced yard for my pets. My business is such that I can't leave my home base area or I will have to start from scratch. When I said I would have "left a long time ago" I meant before I put down roots in this town (my parents lived in the town already, just not down the street from me - that came later). I did not choose to have my parents move down the street from me. I was already here. I was cautiously optomistic when they bought the house down the street but it turned out to be a horrible experience for me. Due to my parents' life-long decisions they are 100% alone with only me. Doing anything less than I am doing would be abandonment. Doing anything more than I am doing is throwing my life away for two people whose lives are over, but will continue to exist for many more years. I'm in limbo right now, mostly here to vent my frustrations. Thanks for chiming in to the discussion.

DollyMe - Please speak for yourself only, and don't attempt to characterize (let alone caricature) other caregivers.

Sometimes we help to create this mess, many of us feel that we have to ride in on our whites horses, waving our white hats...as we are the only one who can save the day...not true...if you want to move on...do so.

If you’re not happy, leave now. Take your own path.

You write “this is not what I signed up for.” Do what you signed up for.

If if you had 9 lives, you could live 8 trying to please everyone else

Upstream- Maintain your edge on a future potential toxic trap: they live down the street, KEEP THEM DOWN THE STREET for your sake and sanity! I know it feels way too close for comfort as it is; but, they are not under your roof and vise versa. At this point, decide what boundaries YOU want and on YOUR terms for preservation of thyself. Go over them in your head every day to help you confidently secure them when/ if the time comes. Your house is YOUR home , it is YOUR castle that you defend against toxic intruders. Do NOT allow yourself to accept and try to ‘fix’ ANYTHING they might try with manipulating tactics- bounce that crap off like Wonder Woman’s wrist bands. It is NOT your garbage, it is theirs so let them take it out. Much luv & hugs! Feel free to message me anytime my fellow only child!

Hi Upstream- only child here to, 49 yo and existing in mom’s house full time solo caregiver with a broken give a damn ( I think it broke about four months ago and I cannot find a repair kit for it). My mother is also insatiable and one person with demands of five people. Like CarlaCB’s mother, mine wants me to wallow in a life without activity and she is a master of guilt tripping. She literally lives in Her Chair- sleeps, eats, barks orders, watches tv, everything. She is more than capable of mobility with her walker but “ it’s easier for me if you do it “= LAZY. I am partly responsible for creating The Chair monster because for the first ten years I catered to her every whim and above and beyond what a person should expect from anybody else- it was never enough no matter what.
Yes indeed, it does blow; to the point of your eyes bulging.

Upstream, I hear you, and I get it. Like you, I work a full time job, a part time job, hit the gym when I can, and I moved in with my grandparents three years ago to help them out. My grandmother is like your parents- overly critical, skeptical, stubborn as heck, and negative-minded. She wants me by her side from sun up to sundown because she wants attention and it still wouldn't be enough for her. It's enough to drive a person to drink. Like you, I'm usually a positive, upbeat person by nature. I try to get some of that positive vibe to rub off onto Grandma, and sometimes it works, but it can get exhausting. It's a tough balance.

Here's the thing: everyone is given free will, and they can use that free will however they want, good or bad. We can't change or control other people, only how we ourselves react to the situation.

My grandma complains that she's bored but refuses to join senior activities or do things she enjoys. She'll complain her addled head off all day long no matter what anybody says or does. There is no right answer for her, unfortunately. I cannot change my grandmother, so I have chosen to limit the amount of time I spend with my grandmother each day. I make sure the house is clean, she has food to eat everyday, she's safe and adequately cared for. BUT... I am not responsible for her personal happiness. (Thank God, because I would go bat$#*! crazy, pardon my french!)

You have to establish and enforce boundaries for your own health and sanity. It's necessary! Stress = burnout = injuries, illness and hospital trips... "ain't nobody got time for that!"

No argument here, upstream. Unfortunately it is still the case that taking over the lives of the adult children is generally the first resort when parents become elderly and start needing help. Very few people actually step back and think "Well, the adult children ought to have some say in this too. This may or may not be the right choice for them." And it can go on for so long now, too. A decade or longer is not so unusual.

My only advice to you would be to try to set boundaries where you can, and don't make their problems your problem. It's okay to say no. It's okay to suggest that they hire help or that they check out assisted living. Whatever you do, don't give up your job to take care of them. Don't spend your own money if you can avoid it. You're going to need that money for your own retirement.

I wish you the best with this situation. It truly does blow.