Spouse is canny with words and can talk rings around me due to his nature and legal training. I have learned a method to deal with the knee-jerk verbal abuse when he doesn't get his own way right that second. I hope it helps others.
Spouse: *snapped out mean sentence*
Me: Say that again.
Spouse: *repeats mean sentence, somewhat less vehemently*
Me: Repeat, please. I keep a diary and I want to write all the words down correctly.
Now and then, he's still on the boil so I ask him to repeat it once more. By this point, the impression sinks in and silence reigns for a little while. He might resume a conversation as if nothing untoward has occurred or keep silent until he or I leave the room. It's a method that has worked more than once.
Viking says I'm going to kill you either to me or caregiver
I say how nice, you're going to kiss me?
that's not what I said, I'm going to kill you
so again I say
oh, you're going to kiss me?
No, kill you
how are you going to do it?
she then makes a motion like she's choking my neck and
I say nice you have a plan - I love you
she says I love you too
denentia requires patience and humor but there are long awful years that very little works with the relentless repetitive and oftentimes accusatory rage some experience - it is a long tiring journey for everyone
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Was reading your post to my hubs, he interrupts and asks me to repeat what a "literate former lawyer"means...
He then asks: "Does that mean he has been disbarred?"
really , its laughable .
a few years ago a woman was found welded inside a 55 gallon drum in our county . the perp was busted because of his welding technique .
i commented on this thread because some gal thought she was cute to undermine her hubby with sarcasm .
you are only telling 1/2 of the story and if youre alive in 3 months , i'll be surprised .
He's still my SON and last time I was with him he got mouthy and I slapped him upside the head. Said "I am your MOTHER and you will NOT speak to me like that. Apologize. Right now and make it good."
Maybe the more subtle approach would work better, although the grands did get a kick out of seeing Nonny 'spank' Uncle B.
@Tryingandtired I know it's tough to Gray Rock somebody when everything inside you wants to defend your honor. I still use the technique, though, and notice how effective it is time after time, so to answer your question, that is what I would do when someone just glories in fighting. It's tough when all kids are gone and it's just you and him. I figured it would be, and Life is as I'd suspected it would be 30 years ago. I wish the best to you.
Spouse at age 77 is 90 percent at the stage my mom reached at 90 years old: if it isn't her idea, it's no good. Spouse surprised me yesterday, however, at taking the blame for something he did that made an appliance break down. Nine times out of ten, it's somebody else's fault.
He was out shopping for gift cards for me. He came in the door, saying that he got me gift cards, and asked where should he put them? One week to go before Christmas, so I said "I don't know." He says "You don't know? Don't you have some place?" I said to look where I have been wrapping gifts, as there is probably still a small gift bag there he can use. Is he this helpless? (It's also about an hour since he should have eaten lunch.)
Meanwhile, I have spent hours making a beef stew. He asks if it is done. Yes, and it looks a little red, because I already put some ketchup in it, like you always did. (Over the years, in his bowl, he'd add some ketchup. I had never seen this before, in my family, but since I know he likes it that way, I added some to the pot.) He looks in the pot and says "No tomatoes? You know I like tomatoes." (He always wants tomatoes in vegetable soup....this is beef stew. Maybe he didn't understand that.) I say, no, I don't put tomatoes in beef stew! I put some ketchup in there for you." He says "I never did that, I always put a little hot sauce in." I'm saying..."What? You always added ketchup." He glares and says to call up our son and ask him! He'll tell you!" Really? I say something like "Do you have to argue and prove that by having me call up our son??" Really? He takes a bowl of stew, ceremoniously puts some hot sauce in it and goes into the other room, eating in front of the computer. Before that, I show him the nice rolls I got at the store for him, to go with the stew.
He comes back out after eating the bowl and says "Those rolls ARE good!" I ask...."The ROLLS are good? What about saying the stew is good?" He says "Why do you ALWAYS have to be MEAN to me? I'm getting a second bowl, aren't I?" (I wouldn't normally ask for a compliment about something I cooked....it just struck me as bizarre that after eating something I spent hours on, his only compliment was on the store-bought rolls.)
I have to watch the diabetic mood swings constantly, like I am his babysitter. I have asked that he keep certain snacks with him, etc...he doesn't think he needs to. But he will get anxious and start being short-tempered in most cases, snapping at a pharmacist, or at me after church, before we get to a breakfast restaurant, always at home. But I am embarrassed when he snaps at people in public slightly, or more or less acts like they are stupid, or acts rude. I read up on diabetes, and supposedly it is not nice to "remind" diabetics that they need to eat, etc...because I guess it is like nagging them, or intimating that they are becoming grouchy. (I guess it's akin to saying something about a woman being grouchy and saying "Oh, I can tell you're going to get your period, because you're miserable.") I am only trying to stave off the next volcanic explosion, which will surely come if he is a half hour or an hour later with lunch than he should be. Any way I hint at or tell him his behavior is going downhill, means, to him, that I am "mean" and picking on him.
@Geaton777 Ooooh, yes, teens are a challenge! They're frighteningly smart and witty without the gravitas of years to leaven their tongue. If you made them think, good! :)
@Countrymouse Yes, it works many times and you're welcome.
@AlvaDeer It's exhausting to fight all the time for me and yet others revel in it, so disparate personalities out there. I'm beyond the point where I think variety is the spice of life. All I want is peace, dead peaceful peace. :D
Really great technique! Love it. Have tried it on mom but when she is in a ‘hell bent’ mood, she just keeps repeating what she said with absolutely no qualms and looks at me like I have two heads. Like, what she is saying is perfectly normal.
My mom can be more persistent than an attorney! Hahaha. That’s when I choose to walk away. No point in spinning my wheels and going nowhere, and ultimately causing my blood pressure to rise!
I still can’t figure some things out. As soon as I walk off, then she doesn’t bring up the subject anymore. She’ll get this smug look like, ‘mission accomplished’, I got her riled up, almost like the topic was never of any importance, more about wanting to be in control, being able to push my buttons and so forth, a power struggle, if you will. Does that make sense? Or do you understand how I feel?
As teens they sometimes needed times to process situations before discussing. I learned to allow them to have that time or else we would have gone round for round, spinning our wheels and going nowhere! Parenting teens is a challenge and we learn as much as they do. If we are honest with ourselves, we will admit that we learn as much from our kids as they learn from us.
I can think of other situations that might be a good approach with, too. Thank you :)
I love you shared this. We can help ourselves so much when we just don't allow outselves to be pulled into the fray we cannot win.