Okay, I am afraid. I don’t recognize myself. I’m lost. I’m depressed. I’m angry and resentful. I don’t want to be like this.

Thanks cwille. I appreciate your common sense and sensitivity.

It has been revived just a couple of weeks shy of the 6 month deadline.

This is why the OP should have the ability to lock their own thread.
And 6 months is way too long.

Elaine,

I understand but it’s dated now and while useful in some areas it no longer applies to my life anymore. Just makes me sad 😞. Not exactly a happy ending but an ending, nevertheless.

Strange how some threads that could go on, don’t and other threads are resurrected!

MODERATORS,

THIS IS AN OLD THREAD! PLEASE REMOVE.

Needhelpwithmom, it’s ok. This post can be taken down. I just read through every single post. I loved hearing Barbbrooklyn and Alva deer’s advice along with all the others. It helped me so thank you. But I realize it can be an awful trigger for you since it was such a horrible time in your life. Your story is very inspirational and has a happy ending. But I respect your wishes to take it down. You can ask the admins to take it down.

At the end of the day you need to realize that you're doing everything that you possibly can to make her happy. But at the same time where is your happiness I know that's your mother and I know that what she says and what she does hurts but you have to take care of you you must put God first before anything don't lose yourself in the process of trying to help her find herself and then at the same time I don't know exactly what you're what problems your mom has but if she can't help the things that she's doing then you shouldn't take it out on yourself ignore it better talk all she wants to talk as long as you know that you're doing everything in your power to make her happy and following the camp commandant love thy mother then you'll be fine and what did your husband say with all this does he help out does he speak out about it and have you actually try to sit down and have a rational conversation with your mother and ask her what is it that she feels you're doing wrong and then explain to her how you feel come when I hear you're a good person so don't let nobody tear you down and remember keep God first and girl you better eat you some food cuz if you ain't alright how can you be all right for your husband and for yourself always remember that you must love yourself before you learn to love others God bless you.

Elaine,

I would rather it didn’t stay up because it’s a bad trigger for me.

I think I felt completely hopeless and I stopped therapy for awhile. My depression was awful. I think I zoned out in order to survive.

Therapy is very useful but it’s hard. It drains me.

Needhelpwithmom I am crying reading through all your old posts. I am so sorry you went through all of this. I’m crying because I am going through the same thing you did. Did you leave therapy because you didn’t want to hear what he had to say? That he was right and you did exactly what he said and it was the best advice he ever gave you? This post needs to stay up because I could identify it and so can many other people. You can always do an update on this post showing how truly far you have come. I am crying right now. You are amazing!!!

Thanks Elaine,

You have come a very long way. I don’t think you give yourself enough credit.

I am amazed at how you pulled away from your mom. I remember when you first started posting. It is a process. Anyone who thinks things happen overnight is crazy! It takes time.

I have to say I am amazed by your mom as well. She is a tough cookie in many ways. She won’t give in! She won’t give up! Hahaha

She has kept you on your toes and I don’t know how you haven’t cracked up. There were days that I felt like to I was going to completely lose it with my mom.

WOW Needhelpwithmom, Wow!!!! These posts need to circle back around!! Look how far you have come!!! I read the story but then when I went back up to see who was writing this and I saw it was you all I could say was WOW !! Look how far you have come!! I want to be like the way you are now. You truly are an inspiration for everyone on here!! I can’t get over how far you have come, how you got your mother out of your house, hoe you have no contact with her, and for the most part you are HAPPY. You aren’t that depressed person with the baggy jeans!!! I meant to say how not hoe. I should edit this but I am on a roll and don’t want to change a thing on this post!! I am so proud of you Needhelpwithmom and I hope someday I will be just like you. But for right now it is baby steps for me. I’m calling the elder lawyer on Monday and I sent a portal message to her family doctor telling her everything and not holding back. Please admin, keep this post up. It helps so many people!!!

Thanks Send. I hate seeing these old posts. Brings back bad memories 🙁.

NHWM,
That seems like eons ago!
Having this title to turn to will help others who are having similar feelings now.
This must be one that escaped the 90 days with no comments and they close the thread?

Still, like a lifetime ago, and you have come a long way since then!

This is my thread and is very old! Have no idea how these old threads pop up. Mom has been out of my house since September. Sorry to posters who respond because they think it’s still current. Have seen a few old posts pop up.

hang in there, I can feel your frustration. Stop delaying your own care please. You’re not helping anyone by continuing this. Please stop and get yourself what you need. Please reach out to speak with a fellow human to he if you would like. Warm wishes.

"I feel awful so I will wait until I feel better."

Actually, a therapist can help you the most when you contact them with your feelings flaming. Please don't wait until you feel better for that could take a while. Go ahead, and make contact soon.

Thanks Shell and Yoda,

You are both wise.

I feel so crappy today. I have not been sick with a cold in years! I woke up with a headache. It feels like it’s more than my allergies. I hope I can find the energy to deal with mom. My husband ran an errand and I am alone. I hope mom falls asleep in her recliner so I can nap in a bit. When hubby gets home I will ask him to make me some hot tea with honey because my throat feels scratchy.

Yoda,

I see where you responded with me about calling my therapist, not cmagnum. Don’t mind me, I get tired and misread it, thinking it was another poster. I should get in touch with my therapist again soon. I feel awful so I will wait until I feel better. This is so weird. I swear I have not had a cold in years. Grrrrrr.

Yoda - love your screen name. It serves as a good advice, too, wise Yoda.

NeedHelpWithMom,

Sounds like you have a goal that is much larger than your situation that can help fuel your progress.

I've decided to change my name to No Try Do Yoda. That is something from Star Wars that Yoda said, No Try, Do.

Take care of yourself and you continue to walk toward your goal in dealing with this situation.

NHWM,

I so feel your pain. It amazes me how much you and I are alike. I was once accomplish and confident, but over the years I have lost myself. It is scary when you look in the mirror and don't recognize yourself anymore. Its as if time stole pieces of you little by little and by the time you figured it out--your gone! And like you, I felt and still do that I have let my partner of 17 yrs down. When he met me I was working with goals and full of confidence. And very out going...now not so much!

One day,I just couldn't stop crying and when he asked what was wrong I told him that I felt that I let him down and this isn't what he signed up for. You know what he said, "I love you no matter what and life happens. You may never be that woman again, but be transformed into someone better, but no matter what happens he is in it for the long haul. Ride & die together!" I felt better insteadly! Maybe try to talk to your hubby how you feel. Let him help you!

And go back to therapy it does help. I go every two weeks now. Sometimes we just can't see ourselves or our situation clearly and we need someone to guide us out of the black hole that we find ourselves in. I can always help others, but can't seem to do it for myself. Its funny how that works! As my dear dad would say, "this to shall pass, you just need to tie a knot in your rope and hold on." You have a lot of people here who care about you and believe it or not the world would not be the same without you.

Hugs!!!💗

Cmagnum,

Thanks for the encouragement. You are kind.

You know, I sometimes think back to when I first met my husband. He was very handsome! He still is. He’s Italian and had gorgeous black hair and dark eyes.

He was an engineering student at Tulane University. He was a bartender at one of our local bars while in school.

The first thing I noticed about him was his confidence. I found that so attractive. He was confident but not arrogant.

I ordered a drink and he asked me out for the next weekend. I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I had ended a relationship with someone previously because I wasn’t ready for a commitment.

I was enjoying my time being unattached. I casually dated but hadn’t been seriously involved with anyone for about a year or so.

We dated. I didn’t expect to fall in love so quickly. He taught me to believe in myself. Now I look at myself and wonder what happened to that young woman who gained confidence, went on to fulfill dreams and had this incredible man by her side.

I feel like I have disappointed him and myself. It hurts. My husband brought out the best in me and now I hardly recognize myself. These things happen gradually. How did it get this far though?

My husband has looked at me before and said that he wants the woman he married back in his life. You know what? I don’t blame him. I want to be that woman too.

I knew why I fell in love with him. I wasn’t sure why he fell in love with me. I was carefree. He was serious. I was easily distracted. He was focused. I was comfortable being in a large group of people. He was quiet and only hung out with a couple of people. I suppose in our case, opposites did attract.

After over forty years of marriage I still anticipate seeing him walk through the door after work each day.

I worry that he will tire of coming home to a wife and mother in law. He has been supportive but does not like the changes he has seen in me.

NeedHelpWithMom,

Yes you can and I hope you will. I think you said it was his cell phone number? It may be too late tonight, but you could call him tomorrow since he did give you such an open invitation to call when you needed help that I would imagine that he would not mind a call on Labor Day Monday. I wish you the best! Please keep coming back.

Cmagnum,

I have his number because he asked for my phone and put his phone number in himself.

It’s been awhile since our last appointment. He was patient with me. At first I had trouble describing my feelings. He helped me focus. He taught me breathing exercises. I had trouble processing what he was saying at that time though. He is near my age, slightly older, so I felt he understood my personality.

I guess I could call. Maybe I should. He was kind. I hope I could do better this time around.

I did enjoy time with my daughters this Saturday. I was so glad they were able to visit. I don’t get to have outings with them as much as I would like to.

We went to my favorite coffee house. I got a coffee and even treated myself to a brownie. We sat outside. I really enjoyed that. I get so sick of feeling trapped inside. There is only so much cleaning that can be done, cooking, etc. I guess I use cleaning to take my mind off of things. I can’t watch tv all day. I do read. But I need some physical activity because I used to be extremely active. I was never used to sitting still. That is something I never really adjusted to and it threw me into depression.

I told my daughters I wanted to go for a walk. We did and it was so nice. Just seeing other people out and about. Seeing people walking their dogs, normal life, the life I once had, even looking in store windows, hearing conversations and laughter, I needed that.

NeedHelpWithMom,

If you somehow still have his number call him. I've had people work with me like that. Please don't lock zone out for you are so close to the goal. .

Barb,

I haven’t gone back to my therapist. I appreciated his help. I did stay in therapy for a few months. I couldn’t get a handle my anxiety or depression at that time. I didn’t have a handle on the guilt that I was feeling concerning mom. I know my therapist was puzzled by my reactions. He felt I was shortchanging myself. my husband and daughters.

He explained to me that I had to accept that my personality and outlook was very different from my mom and felt it was in my best interest for us to separate. I wasn’t sure how to go about doing that and I left therapy.

I was surprised when he told me that he felt that I wasn’t ready to stop therapy and he gave me his personal cell number to call him at any time I felt I needed help. I didn’t call. I didn’t expect that. I thought it would be a clean break and I never expected him to take that personal of an interest. It took me aback when he made a comment of being concerned that I was headed for trouble. I suppose he was right. He was after all on the outside looking in with objective eyes.

I don’t know. Maybe growing up with a perfectionist mother made it harder for me to accept what I perceive as criticism when it is only someone offering viable solutions to my situation.

I tend to zone out if things get too hard or maybe it could be called giving up. Deep down though I do want change. I am crippled by my fear. I realize that. Frustrated by not being in control. Last week I screamed at mom telling her not to treat me like a child, that I am almost 64 years old and then a second later feeling awful and full of guilt for screaming at an old woman who is my mother. It’s horrible to have conflicting feelings about my mom because in spite of it all I do love her.

Plus she always comes back with she would never have spoken to her mom like I do with her. She got mad when I said grandma didn’t treat her like she does me. Grandma was different. I was very close to my grandma. She believed women should be treated equally to men. I used to love when she played early jazz music and tell me about the ‘roaring 20’s’, women voting, hair bobbed and hemlines shortened. My grandma was adorable! She was loving but wasn’t a pushover by any means.

I guess I couldn’t accept when my therapist asked me to face the fact that my mom was a burden. I couldn’t do it then. I do know he was right. She has been a burden. I am sacrificing my life for her. That is too big of a price to pay. That is unhealthy caregiving.

NHWM, have you gone back to the therapist who told you that you need to stand up to your (entitled, demeaning, possibly narcissistic) mom?

You need someone with you in real time who can coach you when she pulls her "stuff".

You are a worthy human being. Not an unpaid servant.

Shane,

Certain things can’t be prepaid for her burial. We have a family plot. There is a couple of thousand dollar fee to open the gravesite for burial. I called the cemetery and they do not allow prepayment for that service.

Mom never wanted cremation. Daddy had the big wake at the funeral home, mass said, escort in limousine to cemetery, all that stuff. I thought mom wanted the same. Maybe she does but decided to be cremated for less money and so forth. Not sure if that can be prepaid or not, not with a crematorium that serves us. I checked but maybe it can be prepaid with a funeral home. I’ll have to look into it.

I have been focusing on getting the vets aid and assistance finished. That is taking awhile because of us not having records because of losing everything In Katrina. I feel like everything is going in slow motion at times. It will get done. Not as fast as I would like but I am getting there.

You’re right, Barb

I know that would relieve me of a good bit of my frustration, depression and anxiety.

It isn’t free for us to live. We have always paid our own way. Mom never worked. Daddy always provided for her and I think she expected us to pick up where he left off. It has made a difference in our lives emotionally and financially.

Changes are in order and quite frankly are overdue.

"I did suggest spending her money to her for help. She responded by saying she wants my brothers to have a little help or boost after she dies. Infuriated me. They have never managed their money well. She continues to feel sorry for them."

You "suggested"?

I suggest that you present your mother a bill for rent and caregiving services, starting today, September 1, 2019. Figure out what her share of the rent, utilities, etc., are, for your home. Figure out minimum wage, at least, for the hours that you need to be available to her (meaning that you can no longer work, volunteer or otherwise engage in activities that you LIKE to do).

Your mother should be afforded the dignity of paying her own way. She doesn't want to depend upon your charity, does she?

If she doesn't "prefer" to pay for her room, board and care, then she needs to move in with your brother or go to AL, doesn't she?

This is not you "suggesting". This is your demand.

Tell her that slavery was abolished in 1863. I'm not kidding.

Being infuriated by the misogyny of your mother is not good for your mental or physical health. The fact that she doesn't think that women count is her problem, not yours.

Gsc,

I hope things get better for you. Sadly, I am not alone. Too many of us in this mess with our parents. It has left me depressed and full of anxiety. Working on getting out of this mess. Going slowly though. Grrrr.

Thanks for encouraging me to eat. I eat enough to survive I guess, just not a lot. Sometimes I don’t eat because I feel like I will throw up. Nerves, I hate it.

I want to be able to relax and enjoy life one day. It’s been too long!