I've learned you lose family, family friends and friends over the years twice. Once when you become a family caregiver, over the years, gradually you lose friends, family, because you're doing care 24/7, around the clock, non stop. It doesn't stop. It doesn't have to be feeding them or changing them. It could be driving them around everywhere, doctors offices, restaurants, stores, over and over again... To where you're around the family member your caring for 24.7... Especially if you're living with the person your caring for.
The second time you lose family members or friends.... Is when you finally put your loved one in assisted living, or a nursing home. You would think that people would be happy for you... But no.. Family members... friends will guilt trip you, asking you why you're putting your loved one away... telling you, asking you why you can't take care of your loved one anymore. I recently went through this... I'm slowly accepting the fact that I don't have a lot of people I consider as family or friends. After the way I've been treated for putting my mom in a nursing home... Unless they're in my shoes... no one should be telling me how to live my life.
Also, my mom needs help 24/7. Her attitude has changed over the years. Her switching back and forth from being sweet, caring and nice, to yelling, screaming, guilt tripping me, manipulating me, using me... I now know that she has dementia... anxiety, depression, etc. But it's up to me weather I put up with and tolerate her behavior. Honestly I've had it, she's 80... I can't take care of her 24/7... and if me putting her in a nursing home, looking after my own well being, causes me to lose friends and family then so be it. I only have one life. I'm 27... I'm now playing catch up with my life, because of me caring for mom, 24/7 for almost 10 years. If I end up losing my house, car, all my money, so be it. I'd rather lose everything, in order to gain my sanity back. I'd tell anyone to rethink the idea of becoming a family caregiver for someone.
Looking back... if I knew what being the main caregiver for my mom would cost me. I might not have done it. I know that sounds selfish but its the truth. No one tells you that by caring for someone, you're giving up your life. Job, college, dating, family, kids, friends, hobbies... and taking care of your loved one 24/7, there's no way anyone can have their own life and care for someone else 24/7...
A lot of people are considered a friend b/c you have similar interests, or you happened to go to the same school, whatever. A real friend asks what they can do to help and follows through. Same with family.
I went through a year of cancer last year---Lost most of my so-called friends. They'd send a text and say they were sorry, what could they do? and I'd never hear another word from them. The true friends went with me to chemo, didn't laugh at my bald, ugly head and completely hairless face. Brought treats that I could eat despite chemo blisters in my mouth. Called. Sent cards. Brought in a few meals.
I thought I was a person with a LOT of friends. In reality, I have about 5.
I'm finding my new norm, as are you. Be patient (my psych doc and therapist were wonderful). I am not going to be bitter about those who made no attempt to contact me, they didn't have to---but it's telling when someone calls you their 'dear friend' and you haven't spoken to them in years. Or they dump you as soon as the going gets tough.
Be gentle with yourself--take time to heal and let this be a great life lesson.
BTW--you did amazingly well!!
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I am not ashamed to say I am not a Saint. I am a human being with flaws. If someone were to ask me why I cannot take care of my brother it would be no problem whatsoever to look them in the eyes and say "I just am not a good enough person to even consider doing such a thing". There is no shame in being imperfect. It is a very human thing. Allow yourself to be a human, not a Saint. And allow yourself to move forward in a new life. You will have all those things then that you want and that you should have.
You are not a bad person for not wanting to devote your entire LIFE to caregiving, and neither am I. Others may tell us we are, while they judge from the comfort of their armchair and not in the trenches of Depends and the madness of the whole scene. Nobody understands it until they're faced with it.
You don't detail why you were charged with caring for your mother at such a young age or why you were forced to suffer the judgements of family and friends who apparently did not do much to help you. Kudos to you for realizing that the opinions of these people don’t matter. I’m sure it wasn’t a realization you came by easily. It’s a victory for you and you should be very proud of yourself. Much peace and success to you as you explore your future.
Mortal humans cannot be caregivers 24/7 for folks who need round the clock care.
Most of us are not independently wealthy and must earn a living in order to put a roof over our heads and eat every day.
We also need to earn enough SS credits to be able to retire when we're old.
There is no shame in getting your loved one into full time care when that is the level of care that they need.
It's just that a lot of people don't get that.
Go back to work and continue with your life. Visit your mom and take her treats. You get to be her loving daughter again!