What to do if your loved one shouldn't be driving...

Geaton - in PA, family members can report LO to DMV anonymously. Mailed my paperwork in over a week ago.

to Gaeton777 - Thanks for the apology. My stepfather who had no dementia issues even had me put one on his vehicle too because he wanted to be sure someone knew where he was in case he had car trouble. Please note mother had passed her driving test; just not driving at night. She didn't always get lost, it was only a few times but my stepfather worried about her being gone sometimes so I did it so he could call me if he was worried. It wasn't until he was no longer at home and in rehab that she drove so far away. Obviously I had to get her to stop driving. I applaud your efforts to replace the driving of your aunt - I am the only child here, and most of mom's friends don't drive either along with her living in the country compounded all of those same efforts on my part. I fortunately moved her into an ALF that my stepfather was supposed to live in as well that eliminated her need to drive too. Nonetheless she HATED being told she couldn't .

To everyone, yes I could have gotten rid of the car but we have to keep the car because my car sits too low to the ground, and so her car is at the ALF for when we need it. I am the only one with the keys now.

My dad was a retired, staunch Marine with an attitude. When I noticed that he was backing into his barn at his house, I called his doctor and asked him to tell my dad that he shouldn’t be driving. Well that went over like a lead balloon! Until he had to be admitted to the hospital at 82 for lung issues. The doctors told him he couldn’t go back home to live independently because it wasn’t safe for him. So he reluctantly drove his car to the nursing home and parked it. I asked his doctor at the nursing home to please tell him that he couldn’t have his car there, but again, total refusal. So they had him take the drivers test which I was sure he would fail. Well guess what, he passed! Then he started driving to the VFW from the nursing home and came back drunk. I had my husband go out to his car and disable the engine somehow which he did. My visit to my dad the next day was when he told me his car wouldn’t start and it was like he gave up driving completely. I was thrilled as I was walking out with his keys. He passed away about six months later never knowing how I got him to stop driving, but I was so happy that he was never seriously hurt or ever injured or killed someone during his VFW outings!

that is a tough one. m y mother was 90 years old when she had yet another fender bender and the reality was that most of the accidents werent her fault she was a good driver but the way things are now, we were more concerned about the other drivers. we all were in a united front and asked her to stop driving took the keys way despite her protest. she fought it for a years kept her car in the garage for 2 years and finally she gave in and sold her car. and the ironic thing was whoever bought it, totaled it in a weeks time...

It appears an apology from me to Scubaqn may be in order. Worried feels my response was perhaps guilt inducing and if I have offended the OP, I am sorry.

If someone is concerned enough about a LOs driving maybe they should get in the car with them as a passenger a few times to make an accurate judgement. Transitioning out of the need to drive can be done through finding replacement drivers and alternate modes from family, neighbors, friends, congregants, and companions hired from in-home care services. This is what I did for my aunt in FL and I live in MN. I found out where my aunt drove regularly and how far. I found permanent alternatives for those routes. Eventually I hired a care service and her companion takes her anywhere she wants to go.

FYI I was able to make the report to the FL DMV on my aunt anonymously. Not sure if this is true in every state, but most likely.

Most of our elders drive longer than they should. Spend a week or two in Florida in the winter. Probably about 40% of drivers should not be driving.

there are many variables as to when and how to end the driving. In my case with my dad I got no help from his doc, the local police or the state. I was caught in that Crazytown of competence, but not really....

I disagree with Gaeton. I used a tracking device on my dads car for about 3 years. It is not a solution, true enough, but it helped me watch him ever so closely . I’m glad I had it and highly recommend the devices. But much better to install them then sooner than later. If granny is running over mailboxes a tracking device won’t help.

Eventually I could see him start to wander. Never a scratch on the car mind you, he could drive like a champ so it was hard to prosecute my case.

A few days after mom had to go into care, I disabled the car (just pull the starter relay out. It’s in the fuse box under the hood) and was able to move him in with mom.

On day three in care, he was demanding to get his car, slugged a nurse and was drug off to the local psychiatric ward. We got through it but it was a rough patch.

The whole driving thing is SUCH a problem. I think we don't often learn about it until it is too late, esp. if we are not driving with them. My bro was diagnosed with both a brain tumor and with early Lewy's after a very serious accident that almost killed him. Luckily no one else was involved but his truck came within yards of a man in a wheelchair. He told me AFTER that he had had several warnings while driving that he perhaps was in trouble. I asked him what he told himself about still driving after that. Well, there is that he lives in a warm area with virtually no public transit, and there was that he would be "more careful". Of course that didn't work. I don't live where he does. I didn't know. And I would not have been listened to if I DID know. It's a real problem. I kind of like that scrambling of the cables thing KatieKate did!

Geaton I don’t think that’s fair. For one thing, the OP didn’t say she thought it was OK for her mom to drive. She said most of the time her MOM WAS OK to drive during the day but sometimes she wasn’t & from the sounds like it got lost.

The reality is. ANY ONE of us can kill someone while driving. You. Me. OP. Everyone.

The reality is, many of us have a loved one who shouldn’t be driving

The reality is, getting them to stop driving is usually easier said than done.

The reality is, a whole lot of people continue driving even after the DMV revokes their license.

The OP deserves no criticism or judgement here. No need for guilt trips.

I simply scrambled the distributor cables.

when it wouldn’t start...had it towed to a storage yard.

next week...my Dad got the annual car insurance bill....he almost choked.... said he would stop driving completely before he would pay that rip-off price.

ok....done.

I'm very surprised the FL DMV gave you such trouble. I can't remember if I wrote them a letter or emailed it to them, but I gave very specific info about my 90+ y.o. aunt and all the very good reasons she should not be driving. They called her in for a vision and driving test, which she had her nephew drive her to the appointment ;-) They took her license away.

By the way, I'm a little shocked that you thought it was ok for your mom with bad vision to be on the road because you were tracking her. Did it ever occur to you she could cause an accident and hurt/kill someone else? My uncle killed his own wife by going through a stop light because his family didn't have the courage or wisdom to do the right thing. Fortunately he didn't hurt the other people. For this reason I do not condone the "tracking" thing...it just delays doing what needs to be done: take away the car and license and make the roads safer for others.

There are smart and compassionate ways to transition LOs out of driving and most people unfortunately don't do it well. I made a huge effort to replace my aunt's driving needs with rides from family, friends and neighbors, calling her church to find others to carpool with, and hiring an in-home care agency to provide a companion to take her on errands. She has enjoyed the company and attention.