Guilt and Regret - Treat your loved ones well while they are here!

Upstream: You have my deepest sympathy. The loss of your father brings sadness and confusion. Heavy emotions, compounded by your mother’s acting out.

[And the refereeing you did when you father was alive.....]

It’s called complicated grief.

Don’t put yourself on a timetable. And don’t let anyone else put you on a timetable.

You are wise to seek counseling. It’s the best gift you can give yourself.

Seeing things through your aging parents’ prism has weighted you with a burden that you do not deserve.

Stay open to healing and changing, even when the progress is difficult.

I have a question.... and I ask with sincerity and humility:

When you think back to your parents’ halcyon days, can you identify any early hints of the drastic personality changes that emerged as they aged? Traits that perhaps you accepted unquestioningly as their only child (living their world)..... but maybe now you can identify those tics as harbingers of the poor coping skills that took over?

I am an only child. It took me decades to “un-normalize” what I normalized during my upbringing.

I am not citing good or bad. Simply what was. Co-mingled with:

I had no idea it was not my job to be my parents’ mirror. Not my job to be their 3rd spouse. I did not question it as a child or teen or young adult.

I always knew that my filter was different. I found it so weird - even childish(!) - that my peers did not identify with their parents the way I did.

I thought that my over-developed sense of accountability was my superpower.

I’m in my 50s. Over the past 15 years or so, my unpacking of my parents’ “terminal uniqueness” has been an interesting, non-linear journey.

So. Back to your situation, Upstream. Your parents.

It seems odd that two stable, emotionally-healthy adults would suddenly erupt with personality disorders, self-neglect and addiction in their 6th decade.

Perhaps explore this with your therapist. A new look at the past might help shed light on the present.

(((big hugs))), Upstream. Wishing you peace.

I'm sorry about the loss of your father. I know that must be very difficult. I would put limits on your mother venting about her regret and guilt. That's for her to deal with. I suppose, I don't have much patience or sympathy for someone who treats others poorly or unfairly...especially, when they have taken a vow to love, cherish and honor. When someone betrays that, especially with a sick person, who has dementia, I doubt their sincerity. Of course, it's not for me to judge. Your father had years to leave the situation. I know that grieving is a process. I'd try to not let your mother pull you down with her issues. I say this as someone who is familiar with kind of situation. Based on my observations, people who treat people in an unkind manner, are NOT kind people, so, when they claim regret or guilt.....it doesn't ring true for me. JMO.

I've read a lot of stories here where the mother is the villain of the piece. Well, in my case, it's my father. In spite of all the consideration and constant attendance to his demands since my mother died this year, he's still bitching and moaning about this that and the other. Even now my poor mum is gone, he's still whingeing about how she spent all his capital and left him broke. He's not broke, He'll never be broke. He's not a millionaire but he's comfortable, and all he talks about is money money money. He's totally obsessed with it, and this is what instigated an argument between he and my DH last week. I still.have not spoken to him and I have to say my stomach isn't tied up in knots bc of it. My.sister is probably going to see him this week to try and defuse the situation. I'm not hoping for the best.

My mother tortured her husbands, she was like a drill sergeant, ordering them around, calling them names, putting them down. When they died (IMO, just to get away from her) she spent all her time talking them up and how she grieved losing them, all an act. Soon as the coffin was shut, she was trying to find her next victim.

I really doubt that your mother feels any guilt, people like her just grieve the loss of having someone around to tend to their every need and abuse, it is all a show, their life is but a stage and they are the lead actor.

When my mother dies I will not have any regrets, and I do not require any do-overs. She is a B on wheels, who will most likely live longer than I will.

I am sorry to hear of your father's passing. Take care of you.

Good decision, Upstream- to seek the help and advice of a trained mental health professional.

I keep waiting for my anger and
neurosis to go away by itself...

Best wishes to you, Upstream. I hope you find a good therapist and you will be able to heal.

Hugs!

I’m sorry for both the loss of your father and the emotional toll of your mother’s words. I wish you peace as you wade through all this. And your reminder for all of us to watch how we treat people is appreciated, we all need reminding now and again

I am the original poster. Thank you for commenting on my post. It's sad but also comforting in a way to see some stories that are very similar to my/our situation. I am an only child and have absorbed a lot of ugly over the past decade. Over the years I have referred to my parents' household as the "sh*t show" so I find it interesting this term was used in the comments! I am an only child and sadly was put in the middle of my parents' marriage as they aged - I had to go to their house many times and beg them: "Please be nice to each other!!!". I had a wonderful childhood and my parents were awesome - when they moved down the street from me in 2004 I could never have imagined things were devolving with them in this manner and I would pay such a heavy price. I am going to seek out counseling, I realize now I am a mess and am truly scared for my future after what I've been through.

im facing old age and physical deterioration with no one to enforce my wishes . i would be happy to have a frazzled and often testy loved one to watch out for my interests .

we all do the best we can with our ( untrained for ) struggles and imo , our care receivers were fortunate to have us . it wasnt a walk in the park for us either .

Rainmom....I know all about total loads of steaming chit, unfortunately. Mommy dearest tells everyone who will listen what a wonderful man her husband was and blah blah blah....in an effort to paint a pretty picture of their lives and not underscore the horrible shrew she actually was and the rotten life she gave my dad. My mother would have had a FIT if some other woman DARED get near dad to help him......jealousy in these women is so fierce it has TEETH!
I always say my father was relieved to die as it was easier than living another day with my mother.

My husband’s grandma did the same to my sweet MIL who was her only child!

My MIL adored her father and saw right through her mom.

When my grandmother in law became a widow she continued to feel sorry for herself. I don’t think she ever loved her husband who was a wonderful man who showed her love in spite of her hatefulness.

It may sound mean but everyone secretly desired that he would divorce her so he could have had a happier life. He was a devout Catholic and divorce wasn’t common then.

Unfortunately, he worked himself to death because he always said that he would have never been able to retire and be alone with her full time! Did he need to work into his late 70’s? Hell no! They were rich. He worked to keep his sanity. So sad.

In fact, he didn’t stop working until he discovered he had colon cancer. He sought treatment and lived another two years. He made the best of his circumstances but it surely wasn’t easy for him.

lealonnie - my mother was very much the same as yours - to my father the 62 years that they were married. Yet my father clearly loved her. I will never understand the twisted eff’d up dysfunction that was their relationship.

In the end - my fathers last few years she all but abandoned him. Sure, she still lived with him but carried on with her busy schedule of travel, classes and friends as if nothing had changed. And, things had changed - my father became quite effected by severe CHF. For the first time in their relationship HE needed HER. He had ALWAYS taken care of her when she got sick, had a surgery- whatever. But she chose to leave his care in the hands of a paid caregiver. Okay... so not everyone is cut out for being a caregiver. I get that.

HOWEVER- once my dad began to depend on his caregiver more and more they developed a very sweet and close bond. Nothing inappropriate to be sure. But my mother became very possessive and jealous and by treating the caregiver so horribly my mom drove her off. This lady was a true gift - she took excellent care of my father.

I do believe it was the last straw for my dad - he took a turn for the worse and died about 10 weeks after she left.

The irony in it all? After my dad passed my mom became the grief stricken widow. Mom would spend hours looking through their wedding album and with tears in her eyes - talk about how happy they had been, how wonderful their marriage was, how he was the love of her life and how would she ever manage another day without him. In other words - she completely reinvented their lives together. It was a total load of steaming chit. It’s amazing I managed to keep from biting my tongue off - or from beatch slappin’ her!

I often wondered during her last years the same as you did... was “fate”, “destiny”... whatever giving her a taste of what he must have felt in his last year.
Yep. Karma can be a powerful thing.

I’m so sorry upstream that you are being thrown in the middle of your mom and dad’s issues. Especially when you need to grieve losing your dad.

I hope that you find peace and joy in your life. You deserve it. If it is too much information for you to listen to, please tell your mom to tell her concerns to a grief counselor.

Perfect example of a mother placing a child in the middle of her relationship with her dad. How unfair to do that to a child.

Sorry, Lealonnie. You did not deserve that, not at all. That type of conversation only causes confusion and damage to a child.

A parent should go to a marriage and family counseling to air their grievances. I guess they either don’t realize what they are doing or don’t care. Who knows?

So true. You make an excellent point, Isthisreallyreal.

We can speak to our children with limitations. I feel that we should not use our children as our sounding boards to the point of them taking on the responsibility of a psychologist. It isn’t fair to them. It’s too much information for them to process.

It’s a heavy weight for children to carry. I saw this with my niece. One of my SIL’s placed such a burden on her daughter by her continual dumping about her unhappy marriage to her father.

It’s not fair to place the child in the middle like that. Those conversations belong in a marriage and family therapist’s office.

Upstream, how are you handling the situation? You doing okay with her self pity party? Sorry, I don't mean to be offensive, I just remember everything that you told us that she has done and I have a hard time finding sympathy for her.

Maybe she will start behaving differently, having to live with the reality that she can not change the reality that was her marriage, but she can change the reality that is her mother daughter relationship.

Remember that you don't have to be her sounding board if it is to difficult for you right now.

Hugs!

My mother treated my father terribly for the 68 years they were married, and I always hated it. I felt badly for him and wondered why he put up with it? She always had something snide to say to him, reminding him of what he 'didn't do' for her, how he retired too early (translation: didn't make enough $$), didn't buy her a nice enough house, etc etc ETC. In the last year of his life, he was truly sick & tired of being treated like a second class citizen and so they were fighting quite a bit. I'd get called in to break up the fights sometimes, and it really all turned into quite a chit-show.

Even as he lay dying on his hospital bed in the ALF, my mother was complaining about the 'noise' he was making while breathing his last breaths. The very moment he died, she burst out crying, saying "I wasn't very nice to him, was I?" I nearly bit my tongue OFF rather than say anything nasty. So I just reminded her that she'd taken care of him for 68 years and left it at that.

That was pretty much the last time she spoke of my father until one day she decided to ask me to come over; she had something she was chomping at the bit to tell me, after 60-something years. It was something so foul that it killed off the last bit of respect I had left for the woman. Her attempt to have me hate my father backfired.

Nowadays, she won't even keep a picture of him in her room. He serves no purpose for her anymore.

But the irony of the situation doesn't escape me. Dad was wheelchair bound in the end; mother constantly complained that he was too stupid to wheel himself around properly & would always dent up the walls of their apartment. Now she's in a wheelchair and having an even WORSE time navigating herself around.

All the things she complained about HIM complaining about SHE is now suffering from. His pain wasn't ever 'real'.............but nowadays, her's IS.

Karma's a beatch, isn't it? I truly believe God is keeping her alive (93 in Jan) so she can experience ALL the anguish HE experienced, which was exacerbated by HER. While she doesn't have anyone around to make her end of life experience worse, she's also alone without a spouse, and that can't feel so glorious, I wouldn't think, even though she says she doesn't miss him ONE single bit.

So, I'd like to tell you that I wish my mother would be beside herself with guilt. Just a LITTLE would be nice. It would make me believe she really DOES have a heart somewhere inside that body of hers. Be glad your mother is feeling badly about her less-than-kind actions while her DH was alive; it shows she's human.

I'm so sorry for your loss, my dear, and I am sending you a big hug tonight.

You’re welcome, Upstream. Always remember that you are a part of yiur dad forever. You can certainly be more like him and keep his values in your heart. Stand for what he stood for. It’s what I do. My dad was a kind and caring man. He was not “college smart” but he was “life smart”. I’ve always tried to be more like him than my mom.

Ahmjoy, Thank you! It was heartbreaking to hear and honestly I had felt for many years (long before the dementia) that he was much much kinder to her than her to him. Part of my own personal heartache for my dad was that he deserved a lot better treatment than he often received - for some of the years up until his illness, definitely during his illness and in his final days. Like your parents, my dad had plenty of years to stop putting up with a one-way street but he always stuck by her.

Upstream, I am so sorry to read of the passing of your father. I watched my mother and in-laws deteriorate as well and it’s not easy. It’s devastating.

Please don’t take on any of your mother’s guilt for the way she treated your father. Either one always had the option to leave. My mother could be a nasty b**ch and I’m sure my father did a lot of putting up and shutting up with her. I only got involved when he passed in 1995 and she handled her grief (or so she claimed) by detailing every thing he’d ever done that she didn’t like. When she did it in front of my husband and children who adored my dad, they told me that they’d had it with her and I needed to tell her to knock it off. It was difficult, but I did tell her we no longer would tolerate her denigrating my dad. After that, she stopped complaining g about him but then began speaking about her “first love”, who was in the military and was shot down over Germany. He fell in love with and married the German girl who rescued him and eventually married her. She never got over him, well into her eighties and I had to listen on many occasions how she wished she’d married him instead of my dad.

My point is that grieving is a personal thing and we all do it our own way. But, you have the right to tell your mother that their marriage and how she treated your father was between them. You had no control over any of it, just like me. If your mother has so many regrets, tell her to start keeping a private journal and write her feelings down in it. Because, you no longer want to hear her lamenting over things that can no longer be changed or”made right”. Her regrets come too late. You have your own grief to handle and you don’t need to take on her’s.

Trying not to be cruel here, but that is something ur Mom is going to have to deal with. Dementia starts subtle. She may have taken everything he said and did to heart. I, personally, have no patience. As my Mom said "when they r old ur too and don't feel like putting up with their s _ _ t."
Maybe say to Mom, its hard dealing with this desease. You know in ur heart they aren't able to reason and process anymore but ur always hoping u can get through. He is now from free from the confusion. He really had no quality of life.

Upstream- You have my sympathy as you work through the grieving “process”.

And, it can certainly be work, that’s for sure. Especially, if one is carrying the extra luggage of Guilt and/or Regret. Two of the worse emotions known to human kind, in my humble opinion.

Guilt - I can honestly say that when it came to looking after both my parents in the final years of their lives - every single decision and action I made/took was solely in their best interest. Even when it was the more difficult road for me to take.

When it comes to Regret - I have a few. In my fathers case I know with all my heart that these regrets are not mine to own - they are a result of my mothers actions but I do still wish that it would have been different - better - for him in the end. In my mothers case, I regret that I allowed myself to become so completely and utterly absorbed in the task of looking after her. To the point of neglecting my own family and neglecting myself.

But with that said - I guess if I’m going to carry my regrets I’d rather carry the burden of having done too much rather than too little.

There’s a book... I read it for work purposes years ago but it has effected my whole life and stayed in my thoughts and actions ever since. It’s called The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey...
“Begin with the End in Mind”
Begin with the End in Mind means to begin each day, task, or project with a clear vision of your desired direction and destination...”

I do think, that if one acts with this “habit” - mindful of that while at times it feels torturous and endless that in fact - one day in will indeed end. How do you want to carry forth after it’s all over? Which bag do you want to carry with you? I have found that a suitcase filled with as much compassion as I could stuff into it - that, that is definitely a lighter load.