Response to advice: care for elderly parent

Amen to the insights below about drawing clear boundaries or choosing not to be involved at all. You are not legally or morally obligated to do so. Your sister cannot force you to participate (nor should she guilt you) but you should let her know what your level of participation will be. Honestly, this looks like a train wreck in the making. Stand far back!

Oh dear... let me share my story and I hope it is helpful to you.

My sister was determined to keep my parents in their home when they could no longer care for themselves, she also decided that it was up to us fix the financial mess they had created over the years and to squeeze whatever $$ was possible out of the hoard of stuff they had accumulated. I am talking three properties filled with stuff.

Sis would not listen to anyone else. She wanted to call the shots and have us jump when she snapped her fingers. Of course that was what my parents wanted too but they also wanted control so it was a battle royal between them and Sis. They were all miserable, it was horrible. Early on I made the decision to draw very clear boundaries around what I was and was not willing to do. I also vowed not to let the wishes of others erode my own well being.

For five years I did my best to detach from the drama, fighting and chaos around my parents care. I visited once a week and brought home cooked food with enough for at least two meals. I called most nights and that was what I felt able to do. I did help on a number of occasions to pack and move their stuff but I kept that kind of involvement to a minimum. My sister basically accused me of being a dead beat and my parents were furious with me for not devoting myself to them like Sis.

Sis micro-managed the caregivers, my parents medical and financial lives. Her inability to share control made everything twice as hard as it needed to be. She complained bitterly about how no one was helping her. Her "my way or the highway" attitude made working with her impossible.

Mom broke her hip last May. She and Dad were in and out of hospitals this entire past summer. Dad passed in Sept. and Mom is now in AL....the money ran out for home care which Mom needs 24/7. They had to sell her house and place her.... anyway.

I guess what I am saying is this; if your sister decides she knows whats best and will not listen to your opinions then you have the right to detach in whatever way is best for you. Best of luck.

Unless Mom is putting your sister on a guilt trip, I don’t understand why she’d want to yank your mother out of the ALF and put her in a stressful and possibly unsafe situation. Who has POA? That person makes the decisions about healthcare. If she does pull your mother out of ALF, I’d step back and let your sister handle the whole thing.