Just Witnessed Elder Abuse Committed Upon Client By His Wife

Thank you for the further information.
Care-giving can be stressful and while I think it is terrible that the wife feels this is the only way to handle the situation but I understand it. She needs a good support group, as well as education and therapy to confront her anger and possibly denial of the situation. The thought of your husband dying is a tough one to come to terms with.

Women do abuse men. My youngest brother was abused by his wife immediately after having back surgery. She pushed him out of the bed. His surgeon told him to get a divorce because she could have paralyzed him right after his surgery.

She beat him with high heel shoes too. Men just don’t talk about it. They have pride. There aren’t support groups for them like there are for abused women.

He wasn’t a great husband. He had his faults but no one deserves physical or emotional abuse though.

My brother’s ex wife had extreme mood swings and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She would not take her meds and she was horrible to be around. Her poor children caught the brunt of it. They left home as soon as possible.

My ex sister in law (now deceased) got breast cancer. She told the doctor that she was too mean to die! She was! Stage four cancer, bone marrow, chemo, breasts removed, reconstruction, etc. She beat it! She would not stop smoking and ended up dying of lung cancer.

The woman my brother married was bat sh*t crazy! Completely out of the box! One minute lecturing people about God and the next minute ripping people to shreds. I ended up telling her that if she was my only example of a Christian that I would gladly choose to be an atheist.

I learned to completely ignore her because there was no reasoning with her. Thank God her children are doing well. When I would pick them up to spend time with my kids I would tell her that I was there for the children to see our family. When she started acting crazy I simply told her that I wasn’t going to listen and it was her choice to allow me to have the children so they could have fun with my kids or if she kept talking that I would leave. She backed down and did the right thing by letting her kids have fun.

People with bipolar have to stay on their meds or they become totally irrational. Her kids would often stay at her sisters houses.

So maybe this wife has a mental disorder as well. I am so glad that you reported her. She needs help too. Let’s hope she accepts it.

CountryMouse thank you and each of you who have responded for your supportive and insightful responses! To answer some of your questions, it is now 48hrs since the incident. As instructed by my agency I went right into the office the next morning and filled out the report. The agency had already notified APS and APS had already opened the case for investigation. Turns out I/my agency were not the first to notify APS about this couple. It was agreed I wouldn't return to the home but a trained supervisory member of our office staff took over my shift for that day. The wife was not going to be home while my co-worker was there and co-worker was going to take a look at the specific injuries I documented so there would be at least two of us to confirm. She may have taken pictures of injuries. Then later that afternoon an RN from our agency was going to make an unannounced drop-in visit to the home to touch base, similar to what you described you guys do CountryMouse. Of course I was reassigned from the case. I haven't asked these co-workers what has occurred since. For confidentiality purposes they will prefer not to go into any further details on the matter with me since I'm no longer involved, although they remain highly supportive of my role in this situation. I've been with this lovely agency for four years and have a great deal of confidence in their ability to handle such matters. I'm fine, and thanks for asking. Somehow I've been able to maintain healthy emotional boundaries in my work as an empathetic caregiver and I don't dwell on cases. As everybody knows each caregiving situation is unique. All present novel challenges and novel rewards. I'm gratified I was able to get the ball rolling in a direction to hopefully get this darling man the relief he deserves. As for the wife, she had previously told my agency she was very happy with my services and hoped I'd continue working with her and her husband. She seemed to think it was ok to treat her husband the way she treated him. She seemed to think it was normal. She was badly abused growing up she had told me. Perhaps she's been abusive throughout their marriage. I wish nothing but the best for them both.

This infuriates me! My mother suffers with Parkinson’s disease. They really can’t do things. There is no cure, gets worse as it progresses.

Their body may want to move but Parkinson’s disease is a neurological disorder and their body cannot always follow what their brain signals.

How cruel for her to expect so much from him. I must thank you for doing what is right for him. I cared for my mom for 15 years in my home and I watched my mom get worse everyday. It’s really hard to see but I can’t imagine physically or mentally abusing her.

I did become exhausted. I did step away from caregiving. It was the right thing for me to do. I did it as long as I could. She is now with my brother and sister in law.

I would never justify this woman’s behavior but she must have serious burn out. So, you will be helping her as well as her husband by making this report.

I am very sorry that you had to see this incident. You have to question what she did when you weren’t around. Will the agency give you an update on his situation? I hope this is handled correctly and she isn’t able to talk her way out of it.

Best wishes to you. I hope your client will be safe. I hope his wife gets the help she needs as well. This is horrible and it makes me wonder how often it happens. I have always felt that children and the elderly are the most vulnerable.

Remember that song from years ago, Bless the beast and the children. The elderly, children and animals all need protection, right?

While we are on the topic of blessing. Bless all caregivers such as yourself for having the love in your heart to defend the elderly. Thank you so much 💗.

That's awful.

Are YOU okay?

What was the task she wanted him to do?

How has she behaved towards you during the last two weeks?
Is somebody else covering them for the time being?

Obviously the key welfare issue is the gentleman's, but I know you know it's not as simple as that. How do you think your agency will handle it?

We have a number of couples and families under horrendous strain; and we have some clients who stay on our books indefinitely (our service model is reablement support for a maximum of six weeks, usually three) because there are "adult safeguarding" issues. Note: we're not officially told what the issues are, for all sorts of good procedural reasons, we're just told that there are some. We turn up at the home, follow the care plan, make and document our observations. And do you know, I think there are two reasons this approach seems to work extremely well. One, nobody feels accused (or not by us, anyway). Two, it seems as if just knowing that neutral, helpful people turn up and offer support between one and four times a day takes heat out of the situation; and maybe the knowledge that we WILL be there and we WILL notice checks acting out, too.

But if your lady abused her beloved husband in front of you, in full knowledge that you would observe (and, she must have half-realised, would be obliged to report) what she did - then she's broken. I can only hope this is a turning point for them both.

Is it possible she has some form of cognitive impairment also? Being a caretaker is a demanding role, especially for a family caregiver. Maybe they both need help.

Vent away, dear lady! I can't imagine watching such a thing, and then seeing fresh bruises and cuts on him! You are doing the right thing for both of them. He deserves kind treatment and she may be just at the end of her rope (no excuse, I know).

*hug* to you!

(((((Hugs)))))Leslie. Your client and his wife need APS to intervene. You are doing the right thing.

Thank you so much AnnReid for this encouragement.

Thanks lealonnie1. I appreciate your words.

You have my support, for sure. There is no way any adult can justify striking an LO with anything, much less an “empty gallon jug”.

I notice your statement here s pretty cut and dried, no embroidery. Copy this page and take it with you when you go to write your report tomorrow. It is a well done recitation of facts.

Take a deep breath and stick to facts as you have here. You’re the kind of person I’d want to hire to deal with a fragile LO of mine.

What a sad situation this poor gentleman is in with his abusive wife. She needs to get him placed into a Memory Care community immediately, before she winds up in jail and/or putting him in the hospital! I'm sorry you bore witness to such a thing, and I'm glad to hear your Agency is calling APS on her! What a disgrace this woman is!

Sending you a big hug and a prayer for your peace of mind moving forward.