85- and 91-year-old in-laws are ready to go summer in a 3-story cabin. My husband is driving them. This feels like a looming disaster.

Oh do I feel for you! We have a family home on the river about 45 minutes from our house. FIL owns it,, it is supposed to go to us when he passes. He is on O2, can barely walk at 97.. is a full time job! When we take him there he is up at 6 am wanting to go fishing. We can barely get him on the boat,, he gets pissy when hubs wants to sleep in until 8am. and then runs me ragged getting him food, pepsi,his whiskey and the potty seat on..LOL then we are also dealing with my 89 YO frail mom who can't walk 15 feet,, uses a walker, drinks wine and smokes. ( no smoking in the river house) Mom is convinced she can "stay there alone" and be fine.., as IF!! I hope things go well,, I know how it is my house!

Well, they made it up there and my husband is back home as of July 4. MIL is snapping at FIL to stop complaining. FIL goes in his den to hide out and he at least stays off the stairs. It takes him 8 minutes to get from the house to the car. (My husband timed him, of all things, while he waited at the car.) MIL has stepped up to take the trash bin up to the road. They are driving although FIL gets turned around in town. We shall see how it goes. As long as today is just like yesterday, they will probably make it until October. FIL says it's "probably" their last year, but that is what he said last year. Fingers crossed.

Well if it goes ahead, I hope nothing too dire happens.

Your DH seems ok with what he's decided to do.. so just have to sit back & see what happens I suppose.

It may still be that the MEMORY of cabin living is quiet different to the actual REALITY. MIL may want to spend a wonderful summer there... but as a younger couple. It may be a beautiful spot but I doubt it has a time machine to restore youthful bodies!

Since it's mainly MIL's plan, I would have a quiet word with FIL before they go. Ensure HE can call you guys to make arrangments to get home if it's just not working out. An escape plan - a *parachute*.

Best of luck!

It feels like a looming disaster because it is. My question is this: Why are you putting yourself in the middle of this. Not your parents. I get you care for them and would like to head off disaster but as you probably know from experience," you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make them drink!" It's good that hubby will stay a few days with them but he should absolutely not assist them in ANY way so their stubborn, independent selves will realize that with age comes limitations. Ignore those limits at your own risk. I think one of the reasons people are living longer is because there are too many people stepping in to "save" the old ones from themselves. They are put into homes, have caregivers doing everything for them etc. Life doesn't get to happen to them as it did to all our ancestors...i.e. people in the early 1900s seldom lived past the age of 60. So I would say, let them live their life and whatever happens will happen. They will die having lived life on their own terms.

Hi again Maryjann,

Perhaps your husband knows his parents better than you (I'm not criticizing you). I live in the mountains in Vermont so I know about curvy roads and 3 story cabins since this is ski country.

I still don't understand why you and your husband can't hire a carpenter and have the stairs blocked off properly or made safer (unless you don't have the money to do it). There are also stair lifts that can be installed (more money). As long as they have 1 floor to live in that should be enough.

Your MIL sounds like her mind is still intact (I'm saying this because of your statement that you almost wish your MIL's dementia was worse).

Goodness, I remember when I worked 60 hours a week and still took care of my 1st husband.

Try to relax okay? Your in-laws could die tomorrow, so let them enjoy the time they have as one never knows what could happen.

I wish my Dad were still alive so he could enjoy his time with my Mom, but he's not. Right before my Dad passed away (I think he knew his time was up) he got in his car, drove 4 hours to Atlantic City, gambled, won and then drove 4 hours back the very same day). My point is he wanted to enjoy himself while he still could and he did. My Dad died a happy man.

Jenna

I'm aggravated that the forum took this off of question format and onto discussion, so I have to do a general response comment rather than to each individually. First thought: Great idea about talking to a gerontological psychologist about what to expect and better ways to deal with this situation. Also, I know it's not my problem directly, but I also see how, if things go badly, I will be the one in a primary care-coordinating position because my husband works 50 hours a week (normally, not so much lately), and I work part-time.
The in-laws do not seem to see this as a "last trip" because this is what they do - every year they go up there. My MIL talks about how when my son gets married next summer, he can come by and stay with them for a while. This is their second home and not a vacation, in their eyes. And they don't seem to see any reason that this year should be any different - even though my FIL is going about half of the already-slow speed that he was going with his walker when they came back last fall. My FIL asked my husband to drive them up there starting a few years ago because FIL had an eye stroke and has lost partial vision. He doesn't want MIL to drive because she scares him. And as far as blocking access to stairs, they would just unblock them. :( I guess this is going to happen. But we are trying to get them to agree to Life Alerts as a caution for them to go up there/stay up there. Husband says he will be up there with them about 10 days and before he comes home, he is planning to tell them that he can ditch his plane ticket and they can all just drive home if FIL cannot get into and out of the cabin. (Yes, it's very rural with curvy roads and a steep hill on one side of the road and the cabin perched on the other side of the road with a drop to the lake. It took a lot of fill to make a pad for the cabin and that's why there are three stories.) It's in North Idaho. They couldn't fly up there and back because MIL won't be separated from her big dog. So many caveats, I know it's ridiculous! I guess they're grownups who make their own choices, but man, I don't want to have to pick up their pieces or deal with the family anyone who gets run off the road. That's the one that keeps me up at night. I almost wish MIL's dementia were worse, then it would obvious to FIL that she has to stay down here. Thank you all. I read all of your new comments to my husband as he was eating dinner. (He didn't seem to get indigestion!!)

It was pointed out to me families find a way to manage without others intervening. There is only so much we can control. This entire scenario has multiple red flags. They may burn the place down while they are asleep. Her driving is no good, she could head down the highway going the wrong way, kill people or get disoriented, drive the car into a lake.

Your husband needs to step up, so other people are not at risk because of parents' unrealistic fantasies of a summer at the cabin. Is he up to this? He needs to get all the ducks in a row. Very often only sons are the last to see the reality of slowly declining parents. Perhaps a consult with a gerontological psychologist will give him a better sense of what needs to be done. Only with a lot of paid assistance, supervision and services can his parents be left on their own in a remote location. Otherwise he may be find as things unfold, local gov. steps in when problems arise.

Tell him this, then step back, it is not your responsibility. Get yourself support if you are unable to detach.

Mayday, I think the couple SAY they are up for it...

I'm picturing a rustic cabin, the romance of the sweet couple sitting fireside...

But then the grim discovery by Police after the neighbours report not seeing them for a few days...

I'm undecided on this one.

Dignity of Risk VS Duty of Care.

Then again, you only live once.. .right??? :) not sure..

sounds sketchy to me, but why not, if they are both up for it.

Either they can do this by themselves or they can't. There is no sense in having a "halfway" jaunt off in the woods, with practically everyone, their cousins, and the National Guard involved in order to make their little vacation a reality. The grey areas are too murky and unknown.
If they can't get themselves there and back without a village of help, then they need to plan a more realistic vacation.

I would purchase a couple of Wyze Cam Cameras (you can buy them at Home Depot or Amazon). This way you can see what it going on (the video's go straight to your cell phone once they detect any motion). I love these tiny cameras.

I would also call up the hospital that is the closest to the cabin and let them know your in-laws will be staying at the cabin. I would ask the hospital if they know of anyone that could stop by daily or every other day.

Since I don't know the layout of this cabin is it possible to block the stairs? Even though my Mom and I live in a ranch house there is still a door that leads to the basement. I bought alarms that stick on door, windows, etc. from Amazon and if the door opens a tiny bit an alarm goes off. They are battery operated.

They could even go on those sliding gates that parents use for their babies which may work to block the stairs. Or even put heavy wood panels across the openings of the stairs.

Last but not least has your MIL been in any auto accidents in which she was driving since her dementia started?

Trying to think of ways to make the cabin more safe.

Jenna

It's kind of like the husband is enabling the FIL who is enabling the MIL...

If both men both did say no - how far could MIL actually drive herself? With no-one taking turns or map reading? I'm guessing not too far.

I remember a news story from a few years back: a couple (90's) went missing. Dinner at a daughter's I think, never called to say they arrived home. Took the highway in the wrong direction. Eventually slept the night in the car, lost, several hours away in the countryside. I think it was the petrol station camera footage in the morning that narrowed the search. Survived but cold & dehydrated (lucky). Had got confused & couldn't read the signs at night.

Anyway. Back to Maryjann's problem. So is this really about one last summer at the cabin? To re-live nice memories for them? If so, maybe a compromise?

All fly there, Husband stays few days, they stay 2 weeks more, then fly home. Arrange 2 paid Aides from nearest town to take shifts as live-in caretakers. Sell it to MIL & FIL as a personal chef & bin taker-outer. Use an agency that have trained eldercare aides. Explain the brief, including getting them on flight home.

Put a compromise on the table for discussion.

Better than all risk but not much care?

DKelso, I see what you're saying, but he will be leaving to drive them up June 21st. He will get the place opened up, stay a few days and then fly home to go back to work. They will be there, on their own, until the end of October or so. He will fly back to then drive them home before the snow starts. So over four months in a house full of stairs and a driveway that my FIL has trouble walking on and a woman who may or may not be safe to drive the single-lane winding roads on her own. I feel that we are not worrying needlessly. They are 20 minutes from town around the end of a large lake. My MIL still says she would be fine living up there on her own for four months if my FIL wants to bail. But that would be unthinkable; so off my FIL will go. We are thinking over some of the ideas here and will see what we can set up with the church and the neighbors. But I know they will fight it.

Your husband is staying there with them.
I can understand why you would not want to go. Your parents do not enjoy a "worry wort"...that is a person who always wants something to worry about. Sounds like your husband is looking forward to the opportunity. Sounds like they are in good hands and enjoy his being there. Your concerns about being far from medical care.....if needed they will get there. You can be thankful for there wanting to do something they enjoy. Get some help for yourself so you can change your "Worry mindset". "There is a time to live and a time to die". They have chosen to live.

It may be a looming disaster, but it is their looming disaster and not yours. I agree with Barb that it is a kindness to the public that your DH has undertaken the driving. Any consequences that happen on the premises, though, are the result of a risk these two grown adults have chosen to take. May the consequences all be nice ones, in the shape of a good visit (and perhaps a hope they'll then decide to quit while they're ahead?!).

My Mom was driving when she started showing signs of early dementia and she drove just fine. No accidents, no getting lost, etc.

I don't understand why members are so negative about an 85 and 91 year old couple who have a tradition of visiting their cabin.

This may be their last visit to their special place. Accidents can happen anywhere, mostly they happen in their "regular" home.

I wish my 94 year old Mom was up to going to the Bahama's as we used to go, wow, I would be thrilled for both of us! Hmmm, I'm getting ideas here. Why should a walker stop my Mom from getting on a plane? (I need to think this out).

Also, I had a Great Aunt and she wanted to go on a 10 day cruise but my Great Uncle wasn't healthy enough to travel so I went with my Great Aunt who turned 90 years old on the cruise. It was the best time we ever had! My Great Aunt was spunky and the cruise stopped at 7 different islands in which my Great Aunt got off every stop and we did a lot of walking around each island.

Life is short! I believe if elderly people are mostly capable of doing something fun then go for it!

Jenna

And the rest of us out here, with small children and grandchildren, thank him for making sure that SHE'S not doing the driving.

No. Husband is lucky you CARE so much about his parents.

Wow; do they know what you're planning; your detailed fantasies of interfering in their marriage? "She's showing dementia and he's not balanced and I think what's best for them."

Let them live out their life as they sound so in love: my condolences to your husband: your poor husband must have a full load with you.

Whoa! MIL is "mainly okay with driving?" That's just for starters - there is so much wrong with this scenario. It's a big NO; they shouldn't go.

Maryann, you are having a problem replying individually because your post has changed from a question to discussion. This site uses different formats. You can respond to individual comments on questions but not on discussion posts. Your post started out at a question and for some reason the admins moved it to the discussion side.

I am having the same issue that a commenter was having: I cannot respond to individual comments. I have to post a new comment! Anyway, my husband read the thread and said "Good stuff!" But he also asked me to comment on his behalf the following: "If I don’t drive them, they will drive themselves. If dad elects not to go... which he should.... mom will driver herself, and probably get lost the second day out." There should be some way to negotiate the Life Alert though. We will noodle on that!

To Taarna; Stairs are only a problem for "people with poor balance and mobility issues"?? Stairs also require endurance and strength. What makes you think elders of 85 and 91 don't have compromised balance and mobility? I now live in a place with no stairs to climb as the 13 stairs from our under house garage became difficult for my then 80 year old spouse and myself @ 70 years old. Very difficult carrying groceries and packages up those stairs!

Some great ideas here. I'm no psychologist, but much as your husband loves his parents, there's some enabling behavior here I think. They are counting on your hubs because he's always been available & willing to help. What if something happens to HIM? Or you? Who steps in then? For 2+ years, I begged my parents to move to my city because they lived 7 hour drive away. At the time, my brother lived 30 minutes away from them & helped when necessary. My dad mistakenly thought brother would always live there, so no need to move. Imagine his shock & dismay when brother announces he & wife are themselves moving 10 hours away! Dad was furious - things weren't going
according to plan. After that, he still did not want to move until it became clear they could not be by themselves. They had great neighbors but you can't rely on them all the time. After another 1.5 years, they reluctantly moved to AL in my city. Parents don't always think about how their health problems will affect their children. If you haven't already, maybe a discussion about this could help. Do they have any friends that went through health crises that affected their kids?

I can understand being at the summer cabin one more time could bring closure + reality to this situation. If it depended on me, I would find relatives that could spend a few weeks with them (paid or not), rotating sessions so they were never alone. Also never driving! If this wasn't possible I would stay(at cabin) with them for as long as I could and create the "fib" why we needed to return home. Being at the cabin ALONE is no longer an option, but giving them a final visit might be?

Your husband is in a tight spot. But if he drives them there, will they be left without a car when he leaves? He could stay a few days and do various safety checks. Make sure smoke detectors & phones are working etc. Maybe he could hire a neighbor to check in on them, help with shopping etc.

I don't see anything wrong with them going. They have beautiful memories at this cabin and who knows how much time they have left together?

My Mom and I live in a ranch house (1 floor) and my Mom has fallen down so many times that I lost count. She also wears a life alert necklace and uses a walker. She still falls down because she tries to do things because it makes her feel independent (at 94) and I get that. I can't keep my eyes on her 24/7.

Life is short and precious. If I were their DIL my attitude would be go for it and have a great time.

Why are we able to respond to comments on some postings, but not on others (with the present one being one of the latter)?

Stairs are only a problem for people with poor balance or mobility issues.