My mother is a black hole, sucking everything I am into it.

Thanks for the update! Happy for you!

Best wishes to you.

Just an update for all you wonderful people that said such helpful and comforting things:
I finally contacted an elder law attorney to help me transition my mom into memory care. Even though the day-to-day has not improved with her (it's gotten worse due her inevitable deterioration), I feel like I finally have a path forward. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I can look to that. It gives me enough relief from the stress of not knowing, that I can focus more on appreciating her again.

Thank you to everyone. I am sorry I did not check back here often and reply but please know that seeing all your comments really buoyed me enough to help me push through that dark time. I love and appreciate you all. <3

Loutre,

Don’t fall down into the black hole. Fight with all that you have to save yourself. You’re worth it.

The years go by quickly. Make them count.

I SO understand where you’re coming from… And I don’t even have nearly the experience you’re going through. I’m caring for my mom long distance. I am her DPOA, her health care proxy, and now I find myself her virtual assistant, financial advisor, real estate agent, health aide coordinator, and sounding board.

I’m always “the a**hole“. I’m always the bearer of bad news, the one taking the brunt of her resentment and depression, and the one manipulated by her ever changing moods.

The latest chapter…

She’s in an excellent position to sell her house – all cash — and move into a beautiful assisted living community not far from where she lives. One day she’s completely on board, and the next she’s decided she is “not going anywhere“.

I put an incredible amount of time and energy into coordinating all of these things for her and I feel like a ping-pong ball.

I keep trying not to get sucked in, but I find myself angrier and angrier with her with each passing day. I’m fatigued. I’m stressed out.

And most importantly, I miss “my mom”.

my heart goes out to those of you who are dealing with all of this on the front lines. I don’t think I would have the strength.

I should be thankful she is at home, with care, and finally safe and clean – after years of battling. But I feel like this journey is just beginning.

thanks for helping me realize I’m not alone. Best thoughts to all of you ✨

OurOldHouse, blackholes (as you put so well) do drain your energies & love of life. I think we all have to keep well away from their pulling power. Stay beyond their reach. But what if this is your parent? I just realised you live together? Is that still the case? Or are you reconsidering?

I just read a very moving story in our local news highlighting the grief a caregiver has. Grief over the loss of the loved one they knew, although they are still here.

When outingings become too hard, then even social visits to the home, the carer becomes very isolated. While routine is what the care recipient requires, this is not a situation a caregiver can thrive in.

I believe this is the tipping point.

The stress is real. Emotional. Mental. Phyical. Depression creeps in. Brain fog. Fatigue. Illness.

Remember it is not about her or you. It's about BOTH of you. Please arrange more help for yourself.

Kmjfree, I wish you well for your surgery. Daunting & scary but it's one of the stations on the journey to recovery. That's kind of how a friend put it.

On the journey, look at your companions. Those who listen, who can provide a shoulder to lean on, keep these special people close.

Those who can't deal, are awkward - if you can still share a laugh, have a meal, maybe see these people occasionally. The time-out/normal life people.

But those that drone on about their own issues, low to no contact. Or the type that ask 'how are you?' but if you answer more than a one word reply, they lose interest or rephrase as something THEY want to hear instead like 'oh, but you must be a little better?' Or like my SIL, who TELLS me - not asking "How's your Mum. Is she improving. That's good". Avoid them.

Take care ((hugs)).

I’m having surgery this week for breast cancer and my mom just called to try to make me feel guilty for not calling her because she says I like to talk to my dad more (Ya I do like to talk to him more because he is not a horrible selfish person). When I told her I was upset about surgery she said “well call me when you want to talk”. Translation “call me when you want to talk about me, I’m really not interested in your problems and if I can’t use my guilt trip I think I will just hang up”.

ouroldhouse whatever it takes limit contact with your mother as much as possible. I’m trying to do it myself and it is hard but I think it is necessary and worth it.

I am in, such, a similar situation! So, at first I thought that I had written it in my sleep, because I didn’t remember writing it. I feel absolutely drained whenever I am around her. As I am writing this now, I feel terrible; but, it is true. I have always been a supportive, empathetic, generous, and very patient person. Now, that has slowly been sucked out of me and I am an empty shell. My kind spirit has dissolved. I have been the brunt of bullying behavior during the sundowners hours and am on guard almost constantly. There is nothing I can do except wait until family makes the decision about getting more help.

I hope you are able to get any help from the people here. Best wishes. ❤️ Lots of hugs.

My mother is 91 and still living on her own, but she does have limitations and will probably end up in a wheelchair in the next couple of years. We did not get along well when I was young, but in our adult years things have ironed out. She doesn't have a lot of money, only social security, so she will probably be coming to live with us unless adult services can find a decent place. We haven't had a vacation in many years (2013) as I can't leave for a long period of time. She can walk, but has to use a walker when outside of her apartment, which she rarely leaves. She is a loner. She had knee replacement surgery 5 years ago at 87. We tried to get her to move in then, but she didn't want to. Too set in her ways. But it's coming, unless she passes before that time. There is longevity in the family, up to 101 years of age. I do feel lucky to still have her as most people my age have lost their parents. Her mind is still sharp, so not an issue there. She has arthritis that is making her a cripple and riddled with pain, but she is strong willed. I still have a lot to learn from her.

I hope you can find a plan that works for the both of you and that you can maintain your relationship with your mother. She will still need you whether she lives with you or not, just not for everything. They took care of us when we were young, now I guess it's our turn to take care of them.

Not all mothers have psychologically healthy "relationships." It sounds like you're in a situation that must be changed. Based on your post, it seems you have already written your solution, which is placing her in a "home." Sometimes it's best to have professionals to take care of things. Hugs for you.

Don’t ever feel bad for taking care of the “caretaker”, being you! Listen to your intuition! Advocate for yourself and your family while still having compassion for your mother. Many times, it’s best for the family as a whole unit, to hand-over caretaking to folks who are better equipped to handle/manage your mother’s needs at this point in her life. Have compassion for yourself!

Gmorning.

Its such a shame how often we read these 'cry for help' posts...isn't it?

My mom made us promise not to put her in a home. We said "ok mom, never!"
we were young, healthy & did not see a problem.. until..........
Both our parents got sicker & more needy. & yea, our lives got busier, we didn't see it coming.
I'll leave out the entire story, & just say, in the end our mom said "come get me & put me in a nursing home girls!"
3 weeks later she died. But she knew her end was near.😫☹
I am also a caregiver to elderly.
I've seen the destruction of families the fighting, all of it....

We all need to just do what's best.
Taking care of a needy parent results in:
No awards
No pay
No great story to tell
No fuzzy feelings from doing it
No perfect answer &
Your children & hubby will not understand fully.
Either hire respite care, if she has money, which is a break for you
Or
You will possibly resent her.

I just put my patient with dementia in a home & she was so happy...
She didn't fully understand it all,
but that's ok.
Never is it the end.

No guilt-free answer

IT will NOT be the end of her. There are independent livings right next door to assisted livings and they all have entertainment directors usually young ladies with dazzling smiles-- NOW-- if you love her and want her to have a life or what left of her present life you will go investigate these place evaluating them on how bright and cheery the rooms/small apartments are, and by the food-- schedule a lunch date at each of them and then when you have compiled your research and has a family meeting with YOUR family -- not Mom-- take MOM to the one you liked the most a let her stay there for a 4 or 5 day respite so you can get some rest-- OR you can put yourself in nicest place and your hubby and kids can come see you once or twice a week. I tried to do it all-- I got sick and almost ended u in the hospital but did end up with Meniere's disease from letting myself OD on stress-- so everyday I get a little dizzy before I go to work. November my Mother went to be with Jesus-- it took her 20 years to get to that place. She died with a smile on her face. She looked rather surprised to be finally seeing into the heaven where she was going. (amen)

You stated “If I keep her here with me, it will be the end of me”. So, you are going to put her before yourself and the rest of your entire family. I didn’t want to have to have my Mom admitted to a nursing home but I could not give her the type of 24/7 care she needed. I don’t know your mother’s health issues so that makes it harder to help you but most (not all) on here will tell you what I am and that is to admit your mother to a facility and go visit her. Period. That’s a job by the way in itself staying behind the facility but you get some respite and time with your family that they all need too. Think about it and think again about what you wrote about it being the END of you.

Imho, you MUST change this dynamic. It may do damage to your marriage or your health and/or both. You may drop over and faint if you don't amend this living arrangement and care of your mother.

You my dear have a bad case of caregiver burnout. Depending on your mother's circumstances there are things that you might be able to do. If she has no savings, apply for Medicaid now! If she has insurance, get respite care now! You didn't mention her needs so explore some of these options as they apply; MPOA & POA, help from other family members, church members, friends or neighbors, PT +/or OT consults, an senior aging company to assist with resources, placement in AL facility or Memory Care whichever she needs. Don't feel guilty, your mom as you knew years ago would not want you to feel this way about taking care of her. Your need to think of not only of your mom but yourself, & your family. If you try to keep your mom at home the feelings that you have now will only grow & spill over to how you treat your husband & children and your family might be destroyed. Get counseling to talk about your feelings & how to cope.🙏

Dear Burn out,
Have you tried adult day care for your Mom? Just a few days a week can be of great help. Or another suggestion is respite care, just 4 hours every week. I gather your desperate, so maybe an in home sitter for Mom when you need a break.

There is a saying that goes...."if you keep on doing what you're doing, you're gonna keep on getting what your getting." Only YOU can break the cycle of the "sucking hole" by not letting it suck you in anymore. You don't want to put her in a home, but YOUR home is not what it used to be because of that decision. Maybe you need to change your way of thinking. I promise you....your mother will adapt to the home easier than you think she will. And, if she has dementia, the anger she may exhibit will most likely subside in time. Things at home are only going to get worse than they are now as Mom becomes more debilitated and your health is at risk, not to mention your marriage. Any challenges that arise when Mom is in a home, can be dealt with on a daily basis at the home. However, then you will be able to leave and place Mom in the capable hands of the CNAs.
It's up to you. But, you can do this. For yourself, your marriage and your sanity.

Dear Our Old House,
I am truly so sorry to hear about the relationship between you and your mother. A mother means life! Not just a woman carrying a baby but a mother! As life happens, our relationships change and our journeys grow longer. I don't know how it has been throughout your life but I'm sure your mother loves you and means no harm. I am a caregiver as well and have been for many years. I am fortunate to have a wonderful person that I care for. Yes, caring for someone can become overwhemling at times. The days can become long. Believe me, the reward for what you are doing will come. Try not to forget about you! Breathe just Breathe! Take moments for yourself! I urge you to look at taking some of the weight off of you. Go to www.trueconnectioncalls.weebly.com for a personal caring touch for Seniors! Good or bad, meet it with love!

I could’ve wrote this except my mom is an hour away. I am the only person she has in this world. I get multiple calls a day, I have to do everything for her. I have to run down there at a drop of a hat. She tends to be dizzy all the time so falling is always at risk. She is 80 yrs old. I have been helping her financially for about 30 years. Now when I finally retired I have spent three years of hell! My whole life revolves around her. We can’t even go away anymore or to dinner in case she falls. I am so angry, sad ,resentful and like you at the end of my rope. She has no money so I can’t get her into AL. I’ve tried to get her caretakers and she hates them and chases them away. I can’t barely get out of bed anymore. I feel like I have PTSD. The phones rings and I jump out of my skin. I love her but don’t like her at all! I’m at the point I don’t want to go down there ever again. And I am stuck.

So, OurOldHouse, I can relate, I feel the same way! Hugs to you! If she has the money I would place her in AL, you deserve a life too.

Sorry, didn’t mean to hijack your post!

Please hear me! If you go down, who will take care of your family? Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver and that’s okay! You gave it a fair shot. Your health will decline if you don’t come up with a different strategy. My health got so bad I developed 2 auto-immune diseases and cancer after 3 yrs. That was my wake-up call. The stress was too much. I had to change things up. My mother lives a few doors down from us, and I got her help within the home and started letting her do more for herself. We set her up for meals on wheels and a housekeeper. She is still mobile and for the most part, she spends the day with her own routine. It’s lonely at times for her, but I just couldn’t keep up with her demands to entertain her. She is almost totally blind, so she was so dependent on me to take her all over at her whim. I have been in remission for a few months now and I intend to stay that way. She will be 94 yrs old next month, and she’s been here with us for over 8 yrs now. It’s been a journey, but no way I could keep up that pace for 8 yrs. and counting.....

Can you post details of what behaviors are causing the most stress?

I also wonder if women are typically harder to deal with in old age, regardless of dementia. Emotions rule my mom and the biggest effort is breaking through them with logic. I don't live near her but am always on-call for remote help, etc.

My dear, I know exactly how you feel. When I moved in with my mother to look out for her, my life ended. The stress was worse than I even knew. After 8 months of 24/7 care, my body rebelled and I had a heart attack. It was minor, but in the hospital, when I thought about being discharged I started crying because I knew I couldn't go back to living with her. Luckily I had already started looking for a facility for her, and from my hospital bed I begged one of them to bump her to the top of their list and take her in. It's been a year now, and as her advocate and POA in the nursing home, I still have some stress, but nothing like before. I encourage you to find another place for your mom ASAP, before your health, marriage and/or family life breaks irreparably. My mom was very resentful at first, but Ironically, since she currently can have no visitors because of the virus, she has adjusted to her new environment out of necessity and has started to be sociable and settled. She's more lucid and tells me that she thinks I found her a pretty good place to live. So it may not be the end of your mom. Give yourself permission to send her away. All of us here are giving you permission. Take that to heart.

You are doing the best you can under a difficult situation. I had my mother for 10 years. This is what I learned. I could match the level of care that she needed. She had several times when she went to the hospital and rehab. I promised myself that if she needed more care, she would go to a facility. First three years with her in my home worked. Then there was a change. It was more difficult so I hired a home health person for 4 hours a day five days a week. Next I had to go out for 2 hour sanity breaks on Saturdays and Sundays. When she fell and broke her hip, I decided that I had to place her in a facility. I do not like nursing homes but have to say she ended up in a place where the staff was great. She had a PC dr that she trusted and I reached out to him so he could talk to her about her options. I knew that I could not do any more for her. I know that she was afraid to die and did not want to be alone. Reality is she was going to die and there was no guarantee when that would be. I did say goodbye to her after she was in a nursing home as part of rehab for broken hip. I left the nursing home at 10 PM and by the time I got home, she was gone. I am at peace that I did what I could but I am very aware of what I could not do. You can get her more help and check out the options. You can get information from her Dr. You can get your life back. You do not want to live in that black hole. If it helps you, you can make arrangements and be willing to let her adjust to long term care while she is still "healthy". This is not an all or nothing situation. You can manage it by accepting that it is a changing situation. Just get a good match. My prayers are with you.

I tried several times to have my mom live with me. It would work for awhile but then she needed to entertain herself and the only way she knew how, was by stirring up chaos. I think you have done excellent going a year with your mom. The thing that helped me move her into assisted living was she seemed to "need to be like this". It was not that incongruent with how she was when she was younger. So, it continued at the ALF's with the caregivers there too. Then I heard a podcast that said the number one disappointment people had when they were older, was choosing to care for their parent over being able to have their own life. I did not want that to be me down the road. You may enjoy each other more, having the distance between you.

SAVE YOURSELF! ...before mom moved in, I KNOW you told yourself (your husband, friends, etc) you'd take her on for as long as possible. It's no longer possible. Period.
Place her somewhere convenient for you, but stick to a visitation schedule.
No more sucking! It's time to enjoy life, girl!
...If you find you can't move on, it's therapy time.

I feel your pain and understand completely. My mum moved in with me almost 4 years ago and it was awful. She was so negative and depressing and an attention seeker and she sucked the life out of me. I didn't have a happy childhood and it felt like it was all happening again. She's never been somebody to help herself and always had a need to be a victim. She was living with my sister but when my sister passed away she automatically came to me. It's not nearly as bad now as I had to have strong words with her and her attention seeking didn't work with any of the family. I had to have counselling and anti depressants and I am desperate for it to all be over so that I can have my own life and freedom. Good luck and take care.

For a minute I thought I must have wrote this post in my sleep. After much thought about my own mother and why I would be put in such an impossible situation where it’s me or her, it maybe the biggest decision of my life. She conditioned me my whole life to put her first, now can I over come it and set it right.

Im not a kid anymore, I can put her in a good place and myself too tho that won’t be together. She’ll never be satisfied and I have to be at peace with the mother God gave me. Good luck in this very important decision, I know you’re strong enough to make it. You’ve already made it this far where most may not :)

For those of us who have an elderly parent living with them, it is almost impossible to take the step of putting them into a “home” - especially if they have been with you for some time.....regardless of how much you would love to do so. Telling your elder that they suddenly are going to be “abandoned” by you and put with strangers is like telling them “I have stopped loving you and want to get rid of you” - they won’t see it any other way. As much as I would love for my father to go live in a nursing home, I know it would break his heart - and that alone prevents me from taking that final step (even though I think it would be best for him, the guilt would haunt me forever). I think my sentiments are probably similar to many on this site who are having a difficult time with their elder, but see no solution.

OurOldHouse… you're being sucked into this "black hole" and you want others to know they're not alone. That's beautiful!! As you can see, there are many in this forum that want you to know that YOU are not alone.

But, listen, you've identified what your caregiving is doing to your life, your dreams, your relationships. We all reach our limits of caregiving. Accepting that responsibility does not mean sacrificing your life and your family's. If you continue, who's going to be your caregiver? Your devotion is exemplary, but your first commitment is to your family, or more specifically, to you!

None of us have taken any courses on caregiving for someone with AD. It's thrust upon us and we deal with it. No manual, it's all OJT.

Yes, your mom will eventually pass while in a care facility, but she'll eventually pass while at home also. Yes, you'll feel guilt in placing her, but you'll also feel relief in knowing that she's someplace where she's lovingly cared for. Remember, relieving yourself of this onerous responsibility and knowing she's safe, you are taking care of her.

God bless.