Trying to maintain composure but completely stressed...

You are offering great advice, as has everyone else. I'm dealing with an extremely independent, highly strong willed person who refuses help. The only time she will ask for help is when she needs to go to the hospital. Current situation. She just got out of hospital a week ago. Her blood pressure was 220. They readjusted her medications to stabilize blood pressure and released her. She has to take seven pills a day. They are all once a day so it's fairly easy to manage, but i had been organizing the pills and preparing the am/pm pills. She has retaken control of the pills and refuses to let me touch them. If I do she just screams. So the only step for me will be to take the pills, hide them, and give them to her each to make sure she takes the right pills in the right amounts. I have very little confidence that she can manage this on her own.

She doesn't even want to see doctors. We have a primary care doctor whose only mission (not by choice) is to make sure her meds are refilled by the pharmacy. She is not interested in seeing doctors unless she absolutely has to or she has go 911.

Her dementia is at a point where she thinks she can manage herself, but can't see the truth of her situation. She can turn on TV. She can generally work the remote. She can make her own coffee, water the plants, and take care of basic chores. She can make oatmeal, breakfast, but I cook dinner. But she has trouble stringing thoughts together in an analytical way.

In terms of the medicaid, the financial part not the worry. Although I live with her and have been for the last five years, I have my own house in another state (which sits empty) and I'm not dependent on her. But I can't get her to voluntarily leave this house. It won't happen. So outside of getting a court order of somekind (i have no idea how that even works), nothing is changing.

I think depression is second nature to caregivers - it seems like you can never please anyone, no matter how hard you try. It is truly a thankless job, and most of the time also a non-paying job.
Caregivers need to step back and look at their situations and decide how they can get out of this self imposed slavery they have gotten themselves into. Many other countries do not worry about taking care of the elderly - many do. I am not sure how you can redirect your path - but please try. Depression might stay with you for the rest of your life and the guilt about things might also appear.

I see the first time u posted was April 2019. I suggested then while in rehab have her evaluated for LTC. You were having burnout problems back then. This is not going to get better. She needs more care than you can give. Is there a reason she can't be on Medicaid? With my Mom, I took what money she had left and paid privately at an LTC facility for two months while the Medicaid application was being done. In that two months I provided everything needed and the 3rd month Medicaid took over. Mom was supplied with everything she needed. All I needed to do was visit.

You live with her right? Do you rely on Mom for support and a roof over your head? You don't have to answer those questions but I am sure you have gotten some good suggestions on how to get help.

Your Mom will probably not even remember you hollering at her. So forgive yourself. I had to. We are only human and only a Saint would be able to do what we as Caregivers do and not get stressed.

You need to forgive yourself...you are human and, as Grandma1954 said, anyone who hasn't lost it is not telling the truth. We've all spent 50, 60, 70+ years in a parent/offspring relationship, every single day. That dynamic doesn't go away overnight. Good supportive advice has been given below. Please internalize it, and try not to be hard on yourself...your journey together will go on for a while yet. May you have total peace in your heart as you help your mother!

I assume you are caring for her at home, right? Where is she on the dementia spectrum? If she's accusing you of hiding or stealing some of her things, she's likely stage 5 or better.

It's not hard to become angry with someone with dementia. I finally realized that my anger scared my wife and made me feel guilty. That was one reason I started to look for a new "home" for her. Depending on her symptoms, ALF or MC might be appropriate.

You say it's pointless to apologize and, if she has short term memory issues, it may be. But it's also pointless to keep confronting the same situation. We all have our limits of tolerance. How much can we "take"? It appears that you may be at your limit. Going beyond one's limits can cause a caregiver to become desensitized to needs of the patient and create physical issues for you.

At the least, you need some respite time away from mom. You can call your Area Agency on Aging to get some help. They can offer some resources for you. Beyond that, it may be time to visit some care facilities for you mom. That would be the ultimate solution to get your own life back. As you are experiencing, caregiving can cause extreme stress and other physical ailments for the caregiver.

I wish you luck.

The hardest thing to learn when living with and caring for someone with dementia IS that “it’s next to pointless”. You know that, but you sound like you may still be living in where you and she were BEFORE you learned that her brain was irreparably broken,

Whatever she says is meaningless and NON COMMUNICATIVE. She is “wording” what is going on in her damaged brain, NOT communicating factual information about you.

So when this happens, you can choose to tune out, choose to walk away, choose to relate as a compassionate but UNINVOLVED NON PARTICIPANT.

Her accusations have NO RELATIONSHIP TO YOU, and your apologies have NO RELATIONSHIP to her.

Practice hearing her voice as a TV program rather than your life, and you will be able to experience less and less as real stuff.

Are you getting enough “away time”? The more away time you give yourself, the less impactful her stuff will be. If you’re NOT getting enough away time, research how you can get more.

Take an objective look at the balance you’re living in. If things are too far out of balance in terms of care giving, research what you can do to IMPROVE THE BALANCE in YOUR FAVOR. Even if you’re not able or ready to make changes yet, just doing some research will help you feel better.

TAKE THAT FIRST STEP.......

If there is a caregiver that says they have never "lost it" they are lying.
You can not care for someone 24/7/365 and not loose it at some time.
Thinking that someone is hiding things, someone stole something can be part of the dementia. They "forget" where an item was placed therefore someone stole it, or it has been hidden.
I have to ask how many "good" days are there compared to the "ugly" ones? And are the ugly ones becoming more frequent?
Are there options that would make your life a bit easier?
Adult Day Care?
Having a caregiver come in a few days a week for a few hours?
Both of these options would give you a break as well as your mom.
And when it becomes so much that you can't take it there is nothing wrong about looking into Memory Care for her.