Today my DH asked when he could go home. He recognized me, and I know this is so common in AD, but I was still thrown. My adult children are wonderful and also know this is to be expected and are also devastated but...
So I wrote a poem. Not good, but from my heart. Thank you for letting me share.
Sadness
Overwhelming sadness
Niagara falls sadness
Rushing over me
Drowning
Drowning in that sadness
Tiny boat in a whirlpool
Overcoming me
Worth it ?
Was it all worth it ?
Would I have done it ?
Knowing what would be .
Heart hurts
Literally my heart hurts
Seeing what once was
Now seeing what I see
Great love
54 years of pure love
Always pulling together
But now it’s only me.
ADVERTISEMENT
So beautiful.
Such a poignant expression of your love and your grief.
Big hug to you both.
Even if I don't know you I felt what you are feeling; for a moment I even heard the water of the falls, I saw you on the tiny boat and my heart reached out to it to keep it steady ..
It's such a powerful, honest, raw poem. It has a quality of purity that I seldom find in poems.
May God bless your soul. Please keep writing, please keep sharing.
You have truly touched me.
One Sunday a week or so later, he wanted to walk to the Interstate (turnpike), and I said I would go with him, but first I had to go to the bathroom, (water pill still active). While I was in the bathroom then changing shoes, he walked out. By the time I got out the door, frantic I didn't see him on the usual route, and my legs with 2 replaced knees, and ankles that lock up, sciatic back, I couldn't run. I didn't see him walking to the Interstate. Where was he? I turned around to go back home and call 911, when I saw him in the opposite direction, by this time, pretty far from home. He had crossed 6 lanes of a two way boulevard on a Sunday afternoon when there was barely any traffic. I was sick as hell, knowing he could have done this same thing on any daily afternoon with heavy trafffic. I was going to try to run and call out to him, but, then remembered, he will tire and turn around. And sure enough, about 3 minutes later, he stopped. I stood where I was, and waited. He said he would go tomorrow, today he was tired and wanted a nap.
Next day 1:30 am; door alarm went off. Same thing. Going to see wife.TIME TO CALL NURSING HOME. He never did remember me, even w/our pictures in new "home".
Full disclosure tho , the introduction in the email to my post was a bit inaccurate ( I did not know they took the liberty to take bits and pieces out , almost a tease)
perhaps I didn’t explain it well myself ? My DH does recognize me still.He just doesn’t seem to recognize the home we’ve lived in
for 42 years . He feels we are visiting and I believe he thinks his childhood home is still home . Still thinks we have 2 dogs , one passed last year . Knows our children and knows and loves our grandchildren who visit constantly but will ask when grandchildren leave why they are so very good to him and how did they get to be in our family . I’m sure you all know the heartache this disease brings but it also brings joy at times when you are lucky enough to see all the love ( blood , sweat and tears too ) you put into your family come back at you from 2 generations.
Anyway again thanks for appreciating my effort at expressing my feelings . I read and need you all at this time and you do come through for me always .
Since I’m being so so good at social distancing I’m sending big strong VIRTUAL hugs to all .
I am saving your poem so that I can re-read it often. And I will thank you every time I do!
PS - I agree, a glass (or two) of wine and some chocolate can also be healing 🍷😊
Your words paint a vivid image of your experience - and that's what makes for good poetry. The last line hit hard for me as a caregiver for my husband.
Thank you so much for sharing. And keep writing; you have a talent for expressing your thoughts.
With gratitude,
Robin
On a lighter note 2 glasses of wine and a chocolate bar worked wonders as well .
Great big warm hug 🤗🤗