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notgoodenough Posted July 2020

Caregiving phrases that annoy you?

Just reading the question in the forum about the CG who's MIL said "I hope you know how much I appreciate what you do for me", and it dawned on me that a comment like that really irritates me (as I said on that post).


Another phrase: "I don't know what I would do without you." (Variation: I don't know what so-and-so would do without you). It took me a while to understand why that particular phrase just pisses me off. And then it dawned on me: I know the place from which it's said, but really? So it has never even occurred to you that there might come a day when I can't or won't be your caregiver anymore, for whatever reason? It hasn't even crossed your mind that one day I might not be around to do it? No idea of a back-up plan? So really, you're just taking for granted that I will be your caregiver until such a time that you pass away?
Again, I get where the statement is coming from, but it sets my teeth on edge every time I hear it.


What about the rest of you? Any phrases that make you want to throw something breakable against the wall in irritation?

Karsten Aug 2020
You should see all the things Aunt Alices kids do for her. (ie I do nothing for my mom)

CindyDgz64 Jul 2020
Oh hell yes!!! As I work my butt off, I tend to breathe a little harder, and grunt, unknowingly. I talk to my husband, God rest him, out loud. Not loud loud, I just talk to him. Then my mil says "Are you alright?". At 1st I just said yes. Back to work. I help her with house cleaning and laundry every week. Again. "Are you gonna be ok??!??"
Me: Mom, I'm 55, my bones don't get along with my muscles, so your gonna hear noise!
She apologises.
That's ok, I just want to get stuff done without being self conscious.
Again... this hasn't stopped her at all. She knows how it irritates me. She is even hard of hearing, but she hears me. My brother in law comes down periodically, to stay so she isn't alone. He hears me talking to his brother, and gets a laugh.😊
My father in law passed in 2012. AND she talks to him often.
I just don't want to hear "Are you gonna be alright"??? 🥴

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Arp1754 Jul 2020
When they come to visit and makes phrases telling me I don't do anything based on a little dust. Saying I should appreciate my grandma and happy to be her caretaker because if it wasn't for her I would not be alive. Those who have insult me praise the sister who does very little. I hate being called a caregiver by family because I am family first and it makes me feel like I am not part of the family. When family is over they always say oh she can do it speaking of me and volunteering me to do more

Yes I was treated like a freeloader when I didn't want to move in with her but I was guilted by her to do it and she talked to people like I didn't do anything. I would mow, work on the garden, clean, make up her bed, cook and worked full time. She didn't want me to stop working but wanted to slave drive me when I got off. My least favorite phrase is if I didn't do it all the way she would get up and try and wo8end up falling herself and it would be my fault

notgoodenough Jul 2020
And I repeat: I come here to vent so I dont bite the heads off well meaning people.
And from the responses, it seems I'm not alone.
But thanks for that great advice to " get out of caregiving." That's awesome. Why didn't I think of that?

Bdette144 Jul 2020
I think that you are being rather this skinned. These people mean well and are perhaps framing their gratitude in ways that you can get offended.
my advice to you is “ Get over it!” or get out of ‘care giving’.

HomelyandBald Jul 2020
This one kills me - "She looks fine to me".

xrayjodib Jul 2020
Maybe what people who aren't in our shoes don't understand is that we are grieving for the loss of the loved ones we used to know, yet taking care of this shell of a person that they used to be at the same time.
If that's "Lucky ", I'm screwed!
I want to add that I have always believed that children are supposed to grow up and have lives of their own. If I ever find myself in a tough spot, yes , I hope my kids will help me, but I don't expect it nor will I demand it!
To rewrite a comic line from a sitcom, "Your uterus is not your 401k"!

Stoshsdaughter Jul 2020
From my 83 year old mother, God Rest her Soul. "Why should I tell people how much help I need, or that you are helping me, do you really need a pat on the back?" I didn't want a pat on the back, but my mom led everyone to believe that I was useless and she was quite capable of taking care of herself. She wasn't capable of getting out of her chair without me lifting her, she couldn't do anything except ride her motorized scooter, and eat and drink. Her mind was okay, but her body weighed over 270 lbs. and had failed her in the 3 years prior to her death. I had no one to help me or give me a break, because she didn't tell anyone and no one ever asked me. How many caregivers are labeled as Freeloaders Living off a Disabled Parent?

Mykids92 Jul 2020
"That's young." My mom had early onset dementia, and people said that to me all the time, not even knowing her age. She actually was pretty old when I was born. I think people just looked at me, caring for her when I was a teenager and then a young looking twenty something, and just assumed a normal parental age gap. I always felt they were sort of looking me over, expecting me to become senile before I finished college. Mom died in her 60's, which is kind of young, but not unheard of.
Now, I hate "your such a good daughter." They've never even seen my 92 year old dad. How do they know? I could be beating on him and putting knock out drops in his orange juice, for all they know. So, I just try to refrain from saying meaningless, polite things to anybody else.

MargaretMcKen Jul 2020
For Bootsies and various other posters: There are different ways to take (and react to) “I'd love to have her here to spend time with”. Yes so would I, I’d love the chance of a visit from the grave. You can always reply ‘Yes I’m sure that some time in the future I would love a chance to see her again’. The movie ‘Peggy Sue Got Married’ is about a temporary visit to the past, and it pulls at my heart strings.

I had the next best thing twice, once after an operation and once after a long-haul flight. Both times I was exhausted and dizzy. I looked in a mirror, and my mother looked back at me. I actually said ‘Hello Mum’. The flesh was less resilient, and I have my mother’s face bones.

Try not to see it as ‘You ought be enjoying every minute of this’, there are other ways to respond.

Atmywitsend40 Jul 2020
I have a few,
"You are lucky to have her, I wish I still had my mom /or grandmother. She should be spoiled" I always hope that you wouldn't have to deal with a manipulative family member. My mom/granny is a whole different person then yours.
"You don't have a real job" I have a teaching business that I do over video conferencing. You don't know what I do everyday. Just to name a couple.

AlvaDeer Jul 2020
Number one: Anything to do with "guilt". "I feel so guilty" "I am doing it out of obligation". And blah blah blah.
Unless you murdered someone, give it up.

Number two: Anything to do with warring siblings.
It makes me just cringe for the elders they try to split in half.
Those two subjects are like waving a red cape before me. I go mad.

Bootsiesmom Jul 2020
The one I've heard a lot more of recently is "you're such a good daughter." That irritates me. And the old stand-by "you're lucky to still have your mom. My mom died XX years ago. I'd love to have her here to spend time with." (or some version of the same whine). I told one person who said this to me, well, I see your point, but you know all that free time you have to travel with your friends, the freedom of going where you please when you please? If you were taking care of your aging mom you wouldn't have that. That shut her up and the subject has not come up again.

I don't bring my mother up unless someone asks. Most people don't really care, and I suppose they're being polite - but really they are just glad they don't have to do it. My mother did little to help her own parents as they aged - there was always an excuse, she was working, they lived too far (same city); her brothers could do it, they had more "free" time, the usual excuses. When it came time for my grandpa to move out of his home (my grandmother had been gone many years), he moved in with my uncle as my mom said no. She wouldn't even take turns. I read the comments on this forum and see there are others just like me!

jacobsonbob Jul 2020
Excellent point, whatdidigetinto!

whatdidigetinto Jul 2020
Also piggybacking off of "freqflyer" and "disgustedtoo's" comments about people saying "your parents took care of you, now you need to take care of them," infants have not had 40+ years to plan for their incapacitation. The failure to plan for "old age" is not a plan. Denial is not a plan. Assuming you'll die in your sleep before you become unable to care for yourself is not a plan.

Llamalover47 Jul 2020
Ugh - "You didn't tell me." Omg - mother, I told you 101x!!! Wasn't going to add another 0 to that dynamic because it would have been a waste of time.

gdaughter Jul 2020
OH YES! Bathing has been a constant issue I have learned to pretty much give up on with my mother who has dementia...but when seeking guidance/advice, particularly from the dementia experts, they will say to create a Spa Day. A spa like environment...music, soft lighting, turn up the heat, fluffy towels Yada yada.

Or the MD who said when looking for help I should consider MY goals.

disgustedtoo Jul 2020
I think someone else commented on this one, but those who either say to be glad she's still with you or ooo and aaaa when I mention her age (soon to be 97.)

The latter isn't quite so bad, as most of them are not aware that she has dementia. I just give a brief description and let it go.

But, those who tell me to be glad? For what? She's living at least 40 years ago, repeats herself constantly, her hearing is really bad and they don't generally give her the hearing aid because she keeps taking it out (they lost a brand new one, likely because of that.) She stopped standing and walking many months ago, has bed wetting episodes... what's to be glad about?

I hope I never have to go down that path myself. I have told my kids to just be sure I'm in a place like hers and don't visit unless you REALLY want to. This person is NOT my mother, not in the real sense. There are glimmers of her, but very little.

NobodyGetsIt Jul 2020
Just wanted to piggyback off of "freqflyer" and "disgustedtoo's" comments about people saying "your parents took care of you, now you need to take care of them".
Don't get me wrong I am so thankful I was able to help my mom take care of my dad six days a week and I'm also, thankful that now I'm helping take care of my mom (I did take care of my mom for 10 years by going back and forth from my home to hers until I had no other choice but to place her in a facility because I could no longer provide her with adequate care). I'm just strictly talking about the comparison between the two - my husband is actually the one who said it to me. We are taking care of someone who progressively gets worse and requires more care, while a child is someone (unless they have a medical problem) who progressively gets better (more independent) who requires less care. So it's "dependency" vs. "independence". For my husband and I, we both had parents who were forty years older than us when we were born - so they were born in the mid-1920's. The irony is my mom and dad did not take care of their parents when they grew old and my husband's mother did not take care of hers because she wasn't capable due to never really quite growing up herself. My husband and his older sister placed their grandmother in a facility and did all the visiting etc. and my husband was the one who found her when she passed away without anyone's knowledge. His dad had lost his own dad when he was 12 and not sure about his dad's mother. The attitude we noticed from his parents was they felt we "owed" it to them coming from the same statement I mentioned at the beginning. They just thought this is how it should be.

xrayjodib Jul 2020
Davenport and Disguestedtoo,
AMEN, AMEN AMEN!!!

notgoodenough Jul 2020
My oldest sister once made a comment about placing mom in a home. She made the comment totally out of concern for me being overwhelmed with caregiving. I think in her mind she felt "mom goes into a facility where she gets care, and you get your freedom back, win-win for everyone."
My mom had spent time in a rehab facility (twice). And while it's a respite - of sorts - there's still things I had to do every day. And she didn't even have any doctor appointments or anything like that during the stay.
I told my sister that mom going into a facility doesn't make me free as a bird. I would still have to be available to do a myriad of things, not to mention trying to fit visits in at least a few times a week. My sister honestly thought that there was a full medical staff at the nursing home. I told her no, she would still have to be brought back and forth to doctors, appointment, etc. On one hand it might get easier; on the other hand, it becomes more complex, having to work in extra travel time, extra errands, fielding phone calls, running errands etc.
I can see how, if you have a LO in a facility, the attitude of you not having to "do anything" would really make you angry.

disgustedtoo Jul 2020
freqflyer said:

**The one that use to get my dander up was "your parents took care of you when you were a child".

Ok, true statement..... BUT.... my 90+ year old parents weren't in their 60's when I was a child.**

Still does get my dander up, esp when I read it here! Thankfully this is the only place I have heard this - and have replied to it. No one has ever said it to me, lucky for them!

As you say, we and they were NOT in our 60s when raising children.
Babies are pretty small compared to adults.
Babies, therefore, can be picked up, carried and/or moved relatively easily.
Babies are relatively easy to bathe - at most they cry or splash.
Babies "output" can be mostly contained, mostly ;-)
Babies don't complain much about what we feed them or in general.
Babies cry some, but don't bitch at us and/or tell us what we're doing wrong.
Babies, as a bonus, become more and more self-sufficient as they grow.
Babies growing up require LESS work as we age, not so with elders.

As they grow up, there maybe more hair pulling, but certainly less work...
But, the hair pulling might be worse with elder care now that I think on it!

For those of you on this forum who spew this drivel, STOP IT! There is NO comparison between our parents raising and caring for us and us caring for aging parents. It is NOT comparable. Nice sentiment maybe, but that's about it. IF it is what works for you, great, but stop telling others what they should be doing!

disgustedtoo Jul 2020
Harpcat said (and a good chunk of what NobodyGetsIt said too!):

"People think because a parent is in a facility you don’t do anything."

Not just 'people' in general, family does this too! 

I have been managing everything for mom both before and after the move to MC, and ever since, but for about 1 3/4 years I also spent many days/week working on her condo so we could sell it (about 3 hour round trip, to clean, fix, find repair people, clear out her ton of clothes and stuff, contact services to ensure clean cut off after sale, work with realtor, etc.)

When I told OB it was all too much (he came up a few times to do some stuff, but NOT that much! YB did even less.), his response was to yell "give it up!" at me.  Annnnnd do what? No suggestion for how to manage, no offer to take up some of the slack. What a jerk.

YB's attitude is like you describe other people. He actually told me outright that the facility 'takes care of everything.' Surrrre they do....

Then there are the visits... oh, wait, what visits? OB likely wouldn't even if he did live locally. YB came to some "special" dinners, after I pinged him MANY times. I got tired of wasting my time on that and stopped asking. The only reason I maintain contact now/still is he has to take her to a med appt 4x/year, and tries to get out of it, complains about it, etc. Imagine if this poor baby had to take over what I currently do? Nothing would get done, payments would be late, etc. GAK!

Davenport Jul 2020
"You're so lucky to still have your mom!" I've heard this for as long as I've been caretaking my mom. From anyone who knows anything about me, my mom wasn't a very good parent, and we never did have a close, trusting, nurturing, 'best friends' type of relationship, and it still pains me, greatly that this is so. It's ignorant to assume that a person's own relationship with THEIR mom is universal to everyone. Even if I HAD had a 'best friend' relationship with my mom, it's a huge burden caring for a completely dependent person regardless, and is NOT lucky! I just keep my mouth shut, because I'm so drained, I don't have the energy or interest in discussing this comment with the person making it.

notgoodenough Jul 2020
Whatdidigetinto, that is one of my worst recurring nightmares - that once my mom is gone, and her apartment upstairs from me is empty, I'll get hit with requests. I have 2 people in particular that I could potentially see asking - they will both be told "no", but one will be told much more gently than the other!

notgoodenough Jul 2020
I know most of the comments are meant in good faith, so to speak, but they still set my teeth on edge. I'm here venting, so I don't bite off the head of the person who makes the comment.
And from the comments I'm reading, I would say a lot of people have the same kind of feelings that I do.
For those who have added comments that make them cringe, I appreciate the empathy. So thank you and please feel free to continue adding as you see fir.

whatdidigetinto Jul 2020
All time #1: "So after the folks are gone, maybe you want to come take care of us??? Hahahahahahah ahahahahah!!!"

Yeah, no.

susansusan Jul 2020
I regularly get 4 am phone calls from my mother (and yes we are in the same time zone). They always start like this: "Did I wake you up? I'm sorry."

Lockett2166 Jul 2020
Sometimes people say things because it comes from their heart and they just simply do not know what would be "appropriate" so they come up with what is usually said. Don't take offense. Be grateful if someone has something kind to say. People do NOT think ahead or out of the box. They say what is meant for the moment - and there is no harm in that. If it bothers you just ignore it. If you can't or don't want to be a caretaker, and not all people are suitable, do something else but don't be cruel if someone is saying something good that comes from their heart.

xrayjodib Jul 2020
Notgoodenough,
Maybe sometimes as caregivers we just need to be grateful for what little praise we get.
I completely understand where you're coming from.
I am in the unique position of caring for two different women.
I became my Aunts caregiver last October. It was never even on my radar, but it just is now.
Even with Alzheimer's, she expresses her thanks and gratitude for what I do. I am most grateful for this!!
I became responsible for my mother this last February. Polar opposite!! My Mom is a clinical narcissist. Nothing I do or say is good enough.
I feel like as caregivers, we give of ourselves because it's what we feel is right. After all, we have to be able to look at ourselves in the mirror!
Please try to be Thankful for any praise that comes your way. It maybe far and few between. You're amazing for caring!! Never forget that!
If I had to choose one annoying phrase it is "God doesn't place any more on your shoulders than you can handle. "
Although I am a woman of faith and I know the words are meant to comfort me, right now it totally strikes every nerve in my body!!
Hang in there!

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