Updating about my mother...

Mom had gotten a UTI that affected her mentally to the point that on Father's Day she attempted to kill dad. She was taken to the ER, dad refused to pick her up, after two days in the hospital she was taken to a mental health facility where she choked on food twice, was then sent to a hospital, and from the hospital was released to a nursing home.

Due to covid, we were initially told that we could not visit. But after she was there a few days, a nurse told me that, "Miss Dolores is nearing the end of her life." I told her I was heartbroken that we couldn't visit. She was shocked that I thought that! Outdoor visits were allowed plus, since mom was in quarantine for 14 days upon arrival, we could visit her in her room, which had an outside entrance.

We packed our bags and traveled four hours to the nursing home, visiting mom Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and then Saturday I said the final "goodbye" to her as we needed to return home. Mom died the next day, Sunday, July 12.

During those four days we visited in the nursing home, I saw my dad forgive her for trying to kill him and for all the mean things she'd done the last month of her life at home. On my the last day there, he held her hand and said, "Dolores, I'm holding your hand, just like when we were dating 68 years ago."

Dad took two friends with him Sunday to visit her. He had stepped out to the car for a moment (I suspect to use his private little portapotty container that he keeps in the car, it is very discreet) and when he returned, he found that she had passed. Her friends were with her when she took her last breath, so I'm blessed to know she wasn't alone.

Twenty-four hours after getting home from saying goodbye to her, we packed the car again and headed back down for the funeral. Dad needed me to walk through all this past week with him. I wish I could have stayed longer as he faces the empty house and the mountains of paperwork and phone calls.

My husband has fronto-temporal disorder and mild cognitive disorder. Traveling with him has been less than easy. In fact, I feel like I spent most of my time trying to appease him and keep him quiet so that others don't have to hear the verbal abuse that I endure, than actually being mentally present for my dad. And I don't feel like I've had a chance to grieve yet. I guess in time it will come.

Thank you to all the folks who provided wise counsel and emotional support over the last month. Even though mom has passed, I won't be leaving this page because I am only a few years into this journey with my husband's dementia. Long-distance "daughtering" to my 89yo father is going to be a challenge that I may find myself needing your wise words of counsel over the coming months (and maybe years, who knows)