How to answer ‘Can I help?’

I received many expressions of interest and offers of help when spouse was at the snf. The primary problem is someone who knows a person well - in their good, fun, healthy years does not want to come face-to-face with the reality of a person they knew as a vital and vibrant human being is no more. They also do not like seeing the other sad or stressing. They want to help, but simply don't know how - unless they've been down this path within their own families. It was typically challenging for all of us but if I thought of something - usually the small stuff - that is a pain to get done.
I used to give the person some cash and ask her when she's at the store to go ahead and pick up some items - or drop off something to my spouse at the snf. I felt this was a bit on the sneaky side, but it's a way of getting someone else to visit briefly when I was not there. I gave this job to a couple of his men friends too. Otherwise people are really afraid to visit these facilities.

‘Never think the other person will call’ works both ways. The other person may think that the offer of a quart of soup is a ridiculous response to finding out that your mother has cancer. ‘Don’t ask, won’t get’ is what is really going on. I can see that there is a huge resistance to saying what would be a help, and also anger if nothing is offered without asking. I’m about to give up if no-one else thinks that this could change and help - perhaps it's too hard.
PS wow, Alva posted while I was swallowing my coffee!

Keep a "laundry list" on the fridge and pass it over when the question comes. Store list in your pocket. Fish it out. "Oh COULD you; that would be so lovely." Hee!

You know how I feel about this I don't think me as the Caregiver should call. I think the person asking should just call. "Hey, J, I am going to the store is there anything u need?" " Thought I'd stop by, anything you need". My Mom loved homemade soup and I would have loved someone to call and say "I made soup, want a quart". Or "J, just calling to see if you need to run an errand. If so, I'll sit with Mom for a bit". Never think the other person will call.

There really is a lot of anger about the ‘just call me if I can help’ line. I’m wondering if it could be done better. If it could, it could make quite a lot of difference in providing useful help and at the same time reducing the anger. Perhaps I’m just being doggedly positive in a hopeless cause, but it seems to me to be worth a thought.

I'm so not trying to be snarky. I can't believe how much caregiving you've done over your lifetime . In all that time, did anyone ever worry about what was reasonable for you while you did all of that for other people?
I really applaud your ability to give so much of yourself for your entire life.