Why are some people assuming information, and not reading the entire post ? Those of us who are posting questions need help, not incorrect assumptions and criticism. Is this the new aging care? One person seems to want to argue. I do not need arguments. I need kind but accurate information. Should I find a new site or is this behavior an anomaly ? I appreciate most of the answers. You were informative but kind.
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I joined this site when things became the most chaotic with my family 10 years ago. At that time, I was the main caretaker for my father along with my 18 year old son who was my 84 year old father's youngest grandchild. Dad was moved 6 times in 9 months. I learned to accept the truth from each set of doctors and nurses. I cried in private. My 84 year old WW2 pilot father had grieved over what he had to do during that war, but he had made peace with God. His DNR was repeated verbally and was in writing on his computer file.However, my brother intubated him in secret and against the laws in our state.
Dad had talked to me about war, and I was even pulled out of my classroom one day because he thought he was in a prison camp. I have walked a path of love with most of my siblings, but we were very different. My mother allowed me to be raised by grandparents, maids, and the boarding school my brothers and I attended. Each one of us had our own set of strengths. The misuse of alcohol became very evident while Dad was ill. My mother should not have been drinking during that time. She was in her first year of recovery from her TBI. I tried to explain that to siblings, but they disagreed. That is one of my teaching fields. She entered dementia more rapidly due to that. Her neurologists told all of us that.
I have so much documentation regarding her medical neglect. My brothers have destroyed and neglected the recreational areas of the farm despite offers from numerous farmers to help her for free in return for fishing in the lake once or twice a year. My brothers declined. They do not own the land.
My home is near my parent's farm. We did not live there all of the time as children.We lived in a nearby large city part of the time. My brothers allowed my Mother to turn her house into a hoarders nightmare. I would have helped her organize and place things in file cabinets in the garage and heated/cooled it. I am walking away from the land where I spent all of my time outside of boarding school. It wasn't a grand boarding school and was once just for boys. My father attended it. Mother's six bedroom country home has been condemned. It wasn't fancy, but my Father wanted all of his children and their families to enjoy all of what the farm once offered.
However, I have a wonderful son and his family to love. I also tutor special needs students without charge. I knit, garden, and lean on my church. I have walked away from everyone except for my Mother and her needs. I am going to fight for them. My younger brother is basically a good person with serious anger and PTSD issues. My older brother is old enough to be my younger brother's father. My older brother has made his own rules since he was born, and was once a good family practitioner. He was fired from the clinic he started with 6 friends after 25 years. He has since lost numerous jobs. He should not be allowed to have medical power of attorney over anyone.
I was a lead special ed. teacher for 10 years. I realize good advice comes with some bad news sometimes,but I did not expect people to react with such aggression when I tried to express the crazy world I never thought I would be in. Practical, kind advice is good, though, even if I don't agree with it. Having someone listen helps.
1, So, if this sounds like BS and self-aggrandizement to Barb from Brooklyn, she needs to know a few facts. After years of dealing with parents of children, I am aware of statements that judge and teeter closely towards libel. It is easy to say things when you don't have to say them to someone's face.
2. Bullying ANYWHERE is against the law. I am not referring to you.
3. Barb made a deliberate attempt to look back into my profile to 2014. My life has changed since then in many good ways, but some of the negative issues have increased and changed. Why would she want to do that?
4. My father bought additional land for Mom's care.
I will continue to keep you and your son in my prayers
I wish you luck with the court side of things too. I have no knowledge of law & know for myself I would need much time to digest whether to go down that path or not. I do understand wanting to do all you can. So even if no more can be changed... you have done your very best.
Good wishes to you.
I loved that woman's show. She was so unlike me. She was religious and more to the right in politics. I am an atheist and middle to left in politics. But she was SO RIGHT ON. And she would always cut right to the chase. She was wonderful at telling people that they were not going to "change" anyone, and their choice was to deal with things best they could, or remove themselves from the situation. Her best advice was always so simple. Many times, like the best Shrinks and Psychologists, it came down to some very, very tough love. And it was almost NEVER giving agreement and sympathy.
Some of my favorite things she said was "Not everything can be fixed". And it is so true. There were other things oft repeated I can't come up with right now. Help? I will have to add that in the end she got hoisted on her own petard because she couldn't just come out and say "I'm sorry"; the sticking point got blown ever and ever more out of proportion, and she walked away. Who knows, she was likely more than ready to do so. Or she wouldn't have.
But I miss her still.
Shadow, you used the word "scapegoat". That is one that LC uses also. I hope you aren't the same person, but just kind of picked that word up from her comments. Both the "scapegoat" and "gaslighting" are very interesting by definition. With very interesting histories. Gaslighting is actually really fascinating, as the evil perpetrator attempts to make the poor victim question his or her own sanity. I will just end by saying I think no one here is insane, nor would I want them to think that I think I could make them think they are insane. If that makes sense.
I might suggest Facebook, which I love as much as Forum but try to stick to art and crafts. It is full of groups and we can create our own group on ANY subject under the sun, and be the admin of that group, and set its rules. Though I am on several private groups, being an admin who sets the rules sounds way too tough for me. Admins, beset as they are by us all have my every sympathy!
Shadow, if you are leaving I will tell you to be well, reach for peace and happiness, and will wish you good luck going forward. LC I think is going nowhere. We shall meet to joust again!
People, including myself, have been ill with Covid and need wisdom and hope. No one needs judgement, scapegoating, or just sheer meanness. To those of you who were kind or gave practical advice, thank you. You are what this site needs.
1. My father always made me a contact on his accounts as I did on mine. A
contact is simply someone to call in case the account holder is not available.
2. The statement was made that the powers of attorney could not be changed
since my brothers convinced her to sign paperwork ten years ago. That is
not true since Mother was deemed incapable of making decisions due to a
profound traumatic brain injury. That was elder abuse. It was done in secret.
I was giving Mother between 700 and 1,200 dollars for 8 years to help
support her. After that, both brothers tried to take total control over her and
isolate her from anyone they thought might interfere.
3. Regarding lack of medical care, Mother is now in a safe nursing home. Prior to
this, both brothers have neglected her medical needs until I intervened. This
included dental surgery, vision assistance, appropriate shoes that would
prevent falls, not allowing her to see her geriatric internist, and allowing her to
live in true filth in a once beautiful home while trying to prevent me from
entering what was my home, too, to help her clean up the house. My husband
and I tried to provide her medical needs that were ignored.
4. Mother has repeatedly stated she is afraid of both sons and she does not
what has signed.
5. When I state there is land that can be sold for her care, please understand she
and my father own several hundred acres. Part of the land is not in use and
could have been sold to provide a much better life for her. My brothers
repeatedly told Mother there wasn't the money for her medical needs. Land
should have been sold for her care.
6. This land is not a working farm. It was used for pleasure and retreat. Neither
brother helped with taxes or upkeep after they left home. Once our father and
sister passed away, both swooped down to grab land and power. For 40 yrs.
prior to that, my sister and I took care of our parents. We assisted with
farm needs. She lived 8 hours away, so I was the one my parents called when
they had health emergencies. Both brothers did not become involved except
during the initial emergency.
7. I deposit money into my Mother's checking account to help with NH fees in
addition to what we spend on her personal needs and aids.
8. I am taking this to court with the purpose of asking an appropriate guardian
be named for Mother and her property. This is the most appropriate method
considering her interests must come first. She is physically well, but is edging
into serious dementia. She needs protection.
9. I care about her and love her no matter how difficult she has been. I want to
make certain Mother is safe.
10. Mother has been in the nursing home for two weeks. She is there because I
asked Elder Abuse in my state to help me have her placed in an appropriate
environment.
11. To answer two statements: I am not trying to prove I am right. I want help for
Mother. My family has been dysfunctional all of my life, but it was loving
despite its wackiness. My oldest brother reduced us to this situation due to
abusing his position as a family practitioner, hiding my father's legal Do Not
Resuscitate, intubating him in secret, and becoming irate when he lost his
license for several years.
Now, please move on and drop this.
I think perhaps you just want to argue, so I'll leave you to it.
While I often do enjoy a good airing of all sides, a debate if you will, it does eventually become a bit circular; for me, this post is there.
If you feel this forum has people who are gaslighting and scapegoating you or others my advice would be that you should consider leaving a page that makes you unhappy. Or press the report buttom when you find advice you don't appreciate, feel gas-lit, or believe you have been scapegoated.
As I did on your "court thread" I wish you good health, good luck, and happiness ongoing. Take good care.
A case in point. Recent poster is upset that POA in family is not paying credit card bills that have recently appeared in ill parent's name.
I said that bills should be marked "not at this address" and returned. OP stated that she was receiving harassing phone calls from CCs. I asked if perhaps the cards had been opened fraudulently and if there was identity theft. I was taken to task for not reading the post as she had been on her father's accounts. (Huh?)
The person posting these questions seems determined to convince us that she is correct, superior and martyring herself to her mother's care. Her posts (now and in the past) are confusing and contradictory.
There is more empathy and truth-telling in this support group than almost anywhere else on the internet. But we also have really good BS meters and don't suffer self-aggrandizement gladly.
Do you personally find that the forum has "scapegoating and gaslighting" as you call it? Because I can't really let that one pass. Are you certain you are not mistaking someone disagreeing with you with someone who is "scapegoating" or "gaslighting"?
LC, I first met you on a discussion thread you put up warning Forum that our court system was taking control of our elders and giving it to a system that doesn't care about them. I disagreed with you, having long experience with this. I said that "warring siblings" need to understand that the court cannot know who is ultimately at fault" and will be likely to take away control from BOTH. You suggested I took the subject personally. I admitted that I did take it personally as I had seen siblings at war over the bodies of their elders in the hospital, quite literally, and I admitted it made for me a real "trigger". Was that scapegoating? You gave an opinion. I disagreed. You suggested my opinion wasn't valid because it was personal. I admitted that yes, it was personal to me. And we did go on a bit back and forth over this one. Ending with agreeing to disagree. Was that in some way an evil interaction? Or just a difference of opinion? A warning by you to the forum to take care; a response from me that I treasured the court's ability to intervene. And the takeaway from others reading it? Of interest, but little more, I suspect. Perhaps a warning from each of us, but about different things?
You say that "people want the truth". Whose truth? Do you remember the old adage "Your truth, my truth, and THE truth"? I honestly at 78 have come to see even "THE truth" as suspect. Most opinions are subjective, our "truths" formed of our own experiences of life. One only has to look at Politics to know that, and to see what happens when it enters the fray.
Any Social Media will be full of differing experiences, I think . Of different ways of learning what works for us, and has worked for others. And we are all just as individual as our own thumbprints. What works for one won't for another. The advice and life lessons given by one will help one questioner, and infuriate another (as we see here).
My advice really to people is "If you ask a question on a forum, be prepared to get answers". Those answers will vary according to the one providing suggestions, life lessons they picked up. Pick up what you think will work for you, let the rest be.
To tell the truth, if I saw "scapegoating and gaslighting" on forum I would trot on off really quickly. As Cali told me (hee! I was so mad, and she was so RIGHT) "If the opinions of someone bothers you, scroll on, learn to avoid them when you see their name". And as this thread has proven we don't have a block button. But we do have free will. We can chose to ignore people, engage them with our own opinion, stay silent. The choices are all ours. And I think if we see someone gaslighting or scapegoating or downright meanness, then we should press the report button. It does work well.
We all see the world differently. Again, refer to politics; such an interesting thing in a time when it is nearly evenly divided in our great country, and each side absolutely adamant in its own perspective. Can both be "truth". Can either? It is kind of like I always say, when I look at forum, both the questioners and the responders (and usually we are BOTH) I see people who, in a fire, in a storm, in an emergency, would leave their own homes and come to yours and would do anything to help us that they were able. No one would stop to ask how you voted. We would all help. It is my secret belief about us. We are at our best when things are at their worst.
I haven't found an "evil-doer" here yet.
This "discussions" thread is about how unkind she has found the responses to the first set of questions.
Hope that clarifies.
Now that admins have moved this to discussion, I can say the following. Recently I was accused (by another who dislikes my advice as much as you do, ShadowChild) of "having something personal in it". And this is often true. I admit that when I see Siblings who don't get along for the sake of a fragile parent it brings up every single incident of it I witnessed as a Nurse. I have had in my past to call Security to remove siblings LITERALLY at war over the dying but still conscious body of a bedridden parent. I have had to appear as a witness. I saw a lot that made me question human worth.
ShadowChild, you tell us on your threads what a very smart woman you are, have given us your credentials. And I BELIEVE you. You are a smart woman. This has been going on for many years. Close to a decade? You have told us things said to you by "sarcastic" social worker. I believe you are smart enough to have availed yourself of every part of our multifacet system to address this complicated situation. Lawyers. Courts. Social Workers. APS.
You have told us that you have become ill and stressed, with several heart attacks.
I am uncertain what you think that we can bring to the table to help in this situation that we hear one side of, a confusing side, with added portions in each post.
Forums aren't for everyone. And sometimes people come wanting something they themselves aren't even fully aware of wanting. Sympathy sometimes. Or reinforcement of something they already believe. Or reassurance (we see people come over and over saying they feel guilty about letting their elder down. I try to have them see it as grief, not guilt. None of them are felons. Felons often don't FEEL guilt).
I can't see that there is anything we can suggest to you that you, with your intelligence, have not already thought of, perhaps even tried. And as was said, we aren't professionals.
If you find a way through the maze I hope you will come and will tell us about it. Honestly, the best stuff on Forum is the words of those who tried something that actually WORKED. Or of those who can just say "Take it a day at a time."
I wish you the best.
all the information.
I have read your posts and it just seems you have been battling this for a long time getting nowhere. The only thing you can do is get guardianship. If Mom has money, you can get reimbursed after you get it. I can't see any other way. Seems like you have done everything you can. As said, we aren't experts. What we know is out of experience. But there comes a time a lawyer is needed. Don't think u can do this on ur own.
Most of us are laymen, not experts on anything. I sell on eBay; in all of my listings, I put in a statement that says I'm not an expert or leading authority on anything; just doing my best to describe and explain things to the best of my ability. I think the same thing can and should be said for the responses given here on Aging Care.
If you need totally accurate and 100% reliable advice on matters such as Social Security or Medicaid or other complicated financial matters, your best bet is to consult an Elder Care attorney. All WE can give you is the benefit of our own personal experience in those matters. I see no 'unkind' or argumentative comments here, either.
Best of luck to you!
The way social services are set up in the US, if an adult child steps in and contributes their own funds to a parent's care, then Medicaid is not going to pay.
The ONLY way you will force this issue is by stepping back financially.
Were I you I would ask myself first of all:
"What is it I want out of this sitation?"
Nextly: "What actions might I take toward what I want that I have not already taken?".
You would then have to decide what resources to tap into to get as close as you are able to what you want.
Your mother has severe mental deficits both due to apparently irreparable injury and mental illness. This means she is and always will be seriously limited going forward, beyond any "fix it" you can come up with. Were I you I would hope that she is in care though I would not invest my own funds to keep here there. There are apparently assets here somewhere, perhaps in a trust to save a family farm? Something. They should be used for her care, or she should have medicaid and the best care that can get her. Your visits I am sure would be a comfort.
You might want to seek help in dealing with her condition the grief of being without answers to it, and even perhaps with some health issues of your own.
As to the rest of the family? They have what powers they have. Those powers won't be taken from them after almost a decade. Investing in anything where they are concerned, since you were "warned off them" by you Dad years ago, is a waste of your time and your energy.
Go to visit your Mom. Inform family you will not be contributing financially to her care any more but will be saving now for your own life. Cleve on to your own family, be they husband, children, friends, whomever. Build a wonderful life. Take care of your health.
There is very little else to be done that I can imagine. But if there is more to be done, then I trust you are fully intelligent enough to know what bridges you have left uncrossed over this last decade.
Sometimes we have to learn to LET GO. Just admit that we cannot change things, that we cannot fully understand them, and that we must move on toward a wonderful life that we make on our own.
Staying lost in all of this will create anger and anxiety. I needn't tell you the harm that can do to you. There isn't a one of us who has not experience anger and frustration, and the absolute SLAMMING of our hearts on our chest walls that this creates. Garden. Knit. Read. Draw. Paint. Quilt. Sew. Walk. Do them ALL and bring light, love and relief to your life. There are things in life that cannot be fixed. Things that cannot be changed. Knowing that leaves us with our own decision, whether to stay unhappily struggiing within the repetitive and circular destructive vortex of them, or whether to remove ourselves, and seek peace.
I'm not trying to argue and I'm certainly not trying to be unkind.
Your mother's funds should be paying for her care. Have you considered no longer depositing that money into her account each month? Wouldnt that force mother's funds to be used for her care?
You can insist all you want, but until you put your foot down and say "no", you aren't really "insisting"
Whether you seek another site or not would of course be up to you. Those of us who hear questions on Forum are hearing only ONE side, that being YOUR side. We cannot hear other family members at all.
Honestly, if you need REAL hard and honest input, then Forum is likely not the place to seek it. You should seek counsel. There would be differing counsel for differing problems. A social worker or psychologist would help you work through relationship and life passage problems. A Lawyer would give you legal advice. A governmental agency would help you with problems as needed. But we have only your side, what we read, and our HONEST opinion.
If someone is inappropriate to you I think you should report the post. The admins will deal with anyone in those instances.
Remember, advice is only advice. Take it or leave it. Use what works and discard the rest.