Where is it written that caregivers are supposed to have endless patience, energy, finances, etc. to help their LO with dementia?

There may be a back door way to get you some help. If anything happens that your LO can be sent to a hospital, call 911 for an ambulance. Once in the hospital system and it's time for a discharge plan, a hospital social worker will generally have to be involved and contact you. This is where you tell the worker your home isn't safe, you're sick, you're awaiting surgery, you're moving and will no longer have room, whatever seems the most feasible reason. The system doesn't care about us care givers as long as they can palm off the mental or physically debilitated patient and keep him/her out of a much more expensive nursing home. The government and, by extension, the hospital don't care whether we can afford all the care costs, have the physical or mental strength to become full-time care givers. For example, I spend about $300/mo for my husband's diapers, special soap, soaker pads, etc. Its costs $150 each time the local fire department just takes the hubz up or down the steps to go to the doctor or dentist. Guess what care suffers, teeth rot, finger and toenails look like talons, hair gets wild without a haircut. Medicare doesn't help with those kinds of care. Start doing your homework and begin looking at places now so you can be ready. Then you can make an educated suggestion off where the LO should go once that emergency happens (and there will be an emergency of some sort). You deserve a life before you give yours up. This isn't mean, it's knowing the system. Sending hugs and wishes for better luck. You'll like and maybe love mom again when she's not draining every ounce of energy from you.

Exhausted one I am so with you on this. I think it's easy to be judged on your patience and understanding of your loved one by people who aren't doing it. This is a very tough job that many of us don't ask for or are even ready for. I thought my Mom coming to live with me was going to be so awesome! I was delusional and not ready for what was to come. It's been five years and I'm just feeling okay with setting boundaries with her. I don't feel bad anymore telling her I'm tired and I'm taking some me time or reminding her that I'm married and can't or won't spend every minute with her because she won't take an interest in anything other than my life. Best advice I was ever given was to take care of myself first even when it feels selfish because otherwise I would lose my mind. I just take one day at a time because that's all I can handle right now. Just know you are not alone in this journey.

I feel your pain. I have suffered with my husband’s Alzheimer’s Stages for about 3+ years. Several comments suggest you find a facility. I checked into places, the monthly rate was so extreme. In the US, you have to be very wealthy, very poor or veteran to receive care. Home care comes with an hourly rate between $15.00 to $25.00 depending on the type of care. All out of pocket. That would mean managing the home health care provider and still being the central caregiver. I now have Hospice coming in 4 to 5 hours a week. I am so grateful to them for their help. I hope you can hang on. Please know you are not alone. Maybe there is a silver lining. I will let you know if I ever get there. Virtual Hugs and Thank You for your care.

i retired in December thinking this was going to be the time I was finally going to enjoy my life . In January my husband and I bought a condo in Newport and made plans to become snowbirds. Lo and behold! While in Newport I received a phone call that my mom had fallen and needed hip replacement. I went to PR and spent 3 weeks there to realize she would not be given proper care.
i brought both of them to live with me (ages 93 and 94) because no one in the family was willing to help and they could not take care of themselves.
The joke is on me. I’m taking care of my mother, the woman who abused me as a child and was the reason why I left PR. it is so difficult smiling at them each morning when I serve them oatmeal or cream of wheat for I remember her being mad at me at the age of six and sending me on the bus to school after she poured oatmeal on my hair.
For years I’ve prayed and asked God to help me with the mental anguish I’ve gone through.
Now I get to care for them! How devastating is that?

I thought I had written this because it sounds like what I say or think every day. I’m tired, overwhelmed and stressed. The responsibilities are never-ending. This disease consumes my entire life. I cry, pray, talk to God—every day. I will miss my mom after this season ends but I won’t miss this disease. Hang in there. Take big breaks. But don’t beat yourself up if you’re just too tired to continue as the caregiver. God puts on us, only what He knows we can handle. He gives us the strength to handle whatever He places on us. Big hug. Know that you have others out there feeling the same way.

It's time to put her into a nursing home. You did the best you could and that's it. Don't have guilt over it. You don't have to give up your life in order to take care of your mother. I'll tell you honestly, caregiving to someone with dementia is a miserable and wretched existence for the caregiver. Put her in a nursing home and take back your life. We've all seen the articles about how to treat our LO with dementia and the sanctimonious two-cents offered by people who have never had to be a caregiver about how terrible we are if we complain. That's it should be an "honor" to us and that it's "rewarding" work. It sure as h*ll ain't either. There's nothing rewarding about living in a house that smells absolutely disgusting 24 hours a day because the LO refuses to bathe without a fight or if they're incontinent and refuse to change. Or allowing your home to be taken over like hoarders because the LO has to save every scrap of paper, plastic bag, and food container in the world. Let's not forget that you also have to be a curator for every piece of crap they've ever owned in their life, and must be able to locate it instantly if the LO remembers that it existed at any time. It might have been thrown away 30 years ago or they never had it to begin with, but God help you if you don't make it appear. It's no great honor to live in a situation where the complaining and fight-picking is continuous either. That's life with pretty much most elderly people even when they don't have dementia. When they do it's a hundred times worse.

I am sorry you are going through this. It is terrible. You are not alone and you are not responsible. Do the best you can and if you want to walk away. I would not ever judge you. So don’t judge yourself 💕🙏🏼

And apologies, I posted that last one numerous times because I didn't see it coming up. Sorry!!

To everyone who posted and understands where I'm at, thank you so much for sharing your hearts and stories with me. Knowing we're not alone helps, I think? I often wonder if my life is worth living anymore given how little of it I own anymore but I'll keep coming out here and talking. After reading your responses, I feel like I've been embraced with warmth and understanding. And SOOOOO happy to know that there are so many others who feel this way.

You're all warriors. Thank you so much for your responses!

To everyone who posted and understands where I'm at, thank you so much for sharing your hearts and stories with me. Knowing we're not alone helps, I think? I often wonder if my life is worth living anymore given how little of it I own anymore but I'll keep coming out here and talking. After reading your responses, I feel like I've been embraced with warmth and understanding. And SOOOOO happy to know that there are so many others who feel this way.

You're all warriors. Thank you so much for your responses!

"Her dementia is killing me. And I know for sure that if I ever get diagnosed with this beast of a disease, I won't put anyone through taking care of me. No way."

Your statement is exactly what my husband and I told our kids/grandkids in 2018 after going thru having both of our moms suffering from dementia and alzheimers. It drained us physically and emotionally. And after the passing we knew we didn't want to do this to our children. My sons mother in law also was going thru this at the same time and they lived with her and cared for her.

But, my husband was diagnosed with dementia and onset alzheimers a couple of years ago after we lost our LOs. It has progressed steadily but slowly. He has now decided he had better not get "stuck in a damned nursing home by me or the kids". I help him dress, in and out of tub, make sure he takes his meds, etc. I do all of it except make his coffee and put his jeans in washer then dryer unless he is feeling bad. I know he will be either dead or in a wheel chair this time next year and I've told him I cannot keep this up because I am exhausted and have destroyed my rotator cuff, pulled tendons in my arm, screwed up my back from picking up my mom and now him and I need a knee replaced.

Hopefully neither you nor I will go before we can actually have a life. But, there is a chance you will do as my husband and my mom and decide you want no part of a NH or MC.

Try to find someone to take over for a week or so even if you don't leave your home. You HAVE GOT to get some time to yourself. God Bless.

Sounds like how I felt with my mom. When was it going to end? I would ask god. Mom had dementia for 2 years. It got really bad the last year. I had hospice for her the last couple months to help come over and bathe her. Would wake up every hour to use the bathroom through the night and I would have to get up and help her. The nurses gave her sleeping pills to help her and me through the night. My blood pressure was up, I was seeing spots and vision distorted.
One of the sleeping pills that the RN prescribed put her out completely and she never really recovered. I sent her to the hospital where she passed away a couple weeks later.
I MISS HER SOOO MUCH!!

EO,

As you can see, everyone empathizes with you.

I sincerely hope things will somehow get better for you.

Burnoutgirl,

What a great posting!!! You speak for millions.

Sending you a bazillion hugs!

Imho, you need respite badly through any means possible - church, Visiting Angels. et al, else you fall faint and ill and are good to no one. Prayers sent.

You took the words right out of my mouth! I'm tired of articles telling me that I need to spend quality time and do activities with my mother, and be patient with her, and say this and don't say that. She is sucking the life out of me. Where are MY rights? I have become physically ill from caregiving. We now have TWO sick people in my house. There are no easy answers to this situation. I am trying all different medications to try to keep my mother calm while not over medicating her. Doctors don't care. They just say that it is trial and error. I keep telling the doctors that I am not qualified to handle this. I just pray and meditate every chance I get, which is few and far between. My deepest sympathy to you.

Good for you! I am also royally pissed. It is horrible. We are Hyman beings, not saints. That being said, this will make you sick unless you find some escapes. Kathleen

Dear Exhausted One, it’s ok to be angry and worn out. You don’t have to do it all and when it’s time to let go you let go.

Some of this repeats another post I made, but I started by addressing comments from AliBoBali and wanted to finish.

"I think some of the issue is all of the life-prolonging drugs and efforts, even while people lose all independence to dementia or mobility issues. That's a weird system, to me."

To a point, yes, it sometimes seems that medical tries to do too much. I knew my parents didn't want extreme measures (part of the POA process was filling out many pages of what to be done if this that or the other condition arises - oddly we didn't get a copy of this with the POA and other documents, but I had seen them and knew what they wanted.)

That said, my mother was over 90 when the first signs of dementia peeked out. She was still mainly healthy and capable of self care. By the time we moved her to MC, she was 93. It was mostly for safety, as she was still mobile and mostly able to self-care. We tried bringing in help first, mainly to check on her and that she took her meds, but after less than 2 months, she refused to let them in.

There have only been a few instances of simple medical interventions (e.g. antibiotics for cellulitis and UTI, knee injection for pain), otherwise no major medical interventions done or planned. We can't just put her down, like for a dog or cat... But if she were to have cardiac arrest, let her go, that's what she wanted. She has a DNR on file.

Over the last 3.5+ years in MC, her memories have regressed to about 40+ years ago, and she eventually migrated to a rollator, briefs, and now, due to fear of falling and lack of any real exercise/activity (SELF imposed!), she's in a wheelchair and requires help with ADLs. I did continue her Mac Deg treatments, mainly because her hearing is so bad that I wanted to maintain her eyesight (and she reads a lot, over and over, but still "active".) Nothing invasive done or to be done, yet she keeps on going! Like my 21.5+ yo cat!! Not much works anymore for either, including cognitively, but I swear they are both going to outlive me!!!

My point is that many times it isn't medical interventions that keep them going after the mental decline starts with dementia. My mother is now 97, and shortly after her birthday she had a stroke. EMS called and wanted my blessing to transport to ER for testing, which she was refusing. My decision was if YOU can convince her to go for testing, have at it, but if she says no, then no and definitely NO hospitalization. She wouldn't do well there. It isn't really clear what that would do for her and she likely wouldn't cooperate well with testing. So, she didn't go (she asked the nurse after EMS left who called them. Nurse said she did, and my mother got mad at her and tried to kick her!!)

"...but keeping everyone alive as long as possible even while they have little or no quality of life, and no ability to do ADLs, seems an absurd thing."

So, again, I'm agreed that going to extremes probably isn't advised if dementia is in play, esp if it is more advanced, but to each their own. Some still have hope and/or can't let nature take it's course. In our case, no major interventions. Even without them, who knows how long mom might stick around? She has right side weakness now post-stroke, some swallowing and slurring, but still is somewhat there and attempts to feed herself, so they brought in PT to help strengthen her arm and maybe leg (she requires TWO person assist now as she can't pivot.)

Hospice was DENIED, so what alternative do we have??? I won't agree to any invasive treatment, but so far the dementia isn't taking her out! I can only hope that something takes her out before this progresses too much further. I cringe when others marvel at her age. Healthy 97, sure. Dementia 97, nope.

I also can only hope that my future doesn't lead me down that path (I've already told my kids to find a nice place and watch over my care, but don't go overboard and certainly don't take on my care yourself if this happens to me!)

Again, I haven't read all the comments, but have read a few more, so this comment is to address some that talk about medical interventions extending the life of those with dementia.

This is a personal decision for everyone. I know what my parents wanted before dementia kicked in and took over, so I am doing my best to honor that. There will be no serious medical interventions - simple ones, yes, as they can make what is left of their life more comfortable, but no heroic treatments. She has a DNR in place.

That said, there are those who live into their 90s or even beyond 100 who are hale and hearty, given their age, and have their faculties intact. There are those who develop dementia sadly at a relatively early age. The big issue is this tsunami of dementia and WHY. While many passed away at a younger age years ago, it isn't just medical interventions that have extended life, resulting in this unusual aberration. Better safety, health care, diets AND living conditions contributed to healthier people who live longer. Yes, some had interventions that have extended their life, but it isn't necessarily those who develop dementia. Certainly there was dementia long ago, but not as pronounced as now. Yet there were also those who lived long healthy lives even long ago, both with minimal interventions as they didn't exist then.

My mother was into her early 90s before dementia started. Other than hearing loss and BP meds (long time), a few interventions for things like rotator cuff in her 80s, she has NOT had major interventions. She was about 93 when we moved her to MC. She is now 97, has had NO medical interventions since then other than antibiotics and a knee injection, to make her life comfortable. Her dementia has progressed, her memories/life are now about 40+ years ago, she started with mostly self-care and mobile and progressed to rollator, and eventually a wheelchair (mostly due to inactivity and fear of falling.) Most ADLs are now assisted. She sits and reads and feeds herself. She interacts with staff. Other than the dementia and BP, she hasn't had medical issues that needed interventions to extend her life. Yet there have been other residents in her MC who were much younger, some younger than me! Most have no real medical issues, just the dementia. Would their families agree to major surgery, etc? Who knows. I know I wouldn't unless it wasn't too invasive and/or she were MUCH younger. The ortho who did the injection said if she were 20 yrs younger we'd be talking knee replacement. Nope, not about to go there! She actually knew she needed it done years before dementia, but never committed to it.

Mom recently had a stroke and they were asking me to approve taking her to ER for testing. She was refusing. It was clear it was a stroke, so what exactly would they do for her, besides testing (making $ to confirm what we knew?) I told them if they can get her to agree to go, try it. Otherwise, nope. Go figure, we then requested hospice and were DENIED! On top of all her existing issues, she now had right side weakness and she's right handed, so trying to eat lefty was a joke and she's now a TWO person assist as she couldn't stand/walk before and now can't pivot. We didn't want any real intervention, just comfort care and can't even get that!

So in many cases it isn't about medical intervention extending life. Sure, it applies to some, and some people WILL agree to major interventions even if the LO has dementia, but we can't label this tsunami of dementia on medicine extending life or just being of super age. It just is. I do wish they could identify WHY so many are developing dementia. It won't be simple, as there are so many types of dementia and underlying conditions that cause it, but one can hope!

I hear you. And go ahead and vent.  Some people are cut out to take care of their loved ones to the very end, others not so much.  My father was at home until mom could no longer handle the stress of his outbursts, etc.  when he fell the last time (2014) and went to the hospital, we told them that he no longer could be taken care of at home.  He also had dementia.  He was put into a very good NH and was there until May 2020, almost 6 full years.  Now my mom is 93 and I can tell that she has little signs.  She already knows she wants to go where my dad was, but time will tell as she gets worse which could be another 2 years.  you never know with this disease.  However, being that I live the closest, I end up doing most everything (getting mail/paper in, making sure she has meals to eat, take to all appts, etc., while my brother who lives 1/2 hr away manages to stop up 2 times a month (lately)).  I have to make all the decisions on most stuff and I am so mentally tired I could also scream.  And then my hubby wonders why I get so mad quickly over little stuff.....I have no one that considers what I (and what others like you) go thru on a daily basis.  I am constantly thinking about what to make for meals so she has something, make sure my calendar is showing all appts., etc.  So.......girl you go ahead and vent, get angry.........we all deserve a break, its just where to find it and how.  Maybe check with a aging office to see if they know of places where you can hire someone for a short break so you can get away.  wishing you luck and peace.  IT IS HARD

@Exhausted one- Reading your post totally resonates with me. Almost all of the articles about this disease discuss how to essentially make yourself an emotional and physical doormat and have no boundaries, as long as you’re taking good care of your loved one, It’s as if the caregivers are not human and this insanely difficult journey isn’t mentally, emotionally and physically soul-sucking every single day. Just know that you are not alone, and if your Mom has the resources and you feel comfortable with it, don’t feel guilty placing your Mom. I have been holding off due to Covid, but I’m at my wit’s end with this day in and day out soul crush too. There comes a point where people with this disease need a team of caregivers, not just one or two. Don’t let your LO’s disease kill you too.

I have lost patience and empathy. Have been caring for husband with dementia for 8 years.....but it has gotten bad this past year. One of our sons (who doesn't live near) just asked me to stay kind. It is difficult. However, I now have help about 3 hours every morning to clean up the bed linens and pads which are full of urine (he will not wear a depend at night) do the laundry and give husband a bath. I could not continue doing it. He also does light housekeeping and is versatile with his hours which allows me to keep appointments. My husband is 93 and I am 88 and would love to live a little while totally alone, but am beginning to think he is going to outlive me. This doesn't help you except to say you not alone in not having any more patience. My son's words keep coming back to me when I start yelling.....be kind. Good luck.

It’s a tough road that know one can understand unless they have or are currently going through it. We took care of our dad and now our mother. The part of that is “we”” that you may not have. You can reach out for help as we did with hospice. They don’t have to be at their end of life but can be evaluated to see if your loved one would qualify for in home care. look into getting help from a service if it’s something that can be afforded. Do not feel guilty for getting help as you will be of know help to your loved one if you don’t care for yourself. When our family looked into getting help we were worried about our dad excepting the help and we worried for nothing as he excepted it with grace. Do what you can to give yourself a break.

Me too❤️❤️❤️

Didn't read all the comments (63 at the moment!) but I agree with sjplegacy

"Well, apparently you've learned lesson #1 in dementia caregiving... there are no guidelines, no caregiver manual, it's all OJT. When it gets beyond you're capability you look for a care facility. It's not doing you or your mom any good so place her where she's cared for and regain your sanity."

I knew nothing about dementia before mom started showing some odd signs. I did some research and figured this is likely her issue. The problems I see are:
1) every person exhibits their own symptoms, based on the underlying cause and their own "path"
2) while there are many suggestions for dealing with said symptoms, not all work in all cases, some not at all!

Being on this site has taught me more, and I continue to learn more when researching responses to others. Neverending story...

One thing I knew is that I would not be able to take care of her physically. I started with trying to get bros on board (to this day I don't think either fully grasps ANY of it!) Attempts to start bringing in aides, to get her used to them so we could increase the times/day needed so she could remain longer in her own condo failed less than 2 months later (only 1 hr/day.) Then it was looking for a place and coming up with plan B for the move (she refused to consider moving anywhere, esp not AL and EC atty told me we couldn't force her, we'd have to do guardianship, but facility chosen wouldn't accept committals!)

Since that introduction, I have learned more and in hindsight there were some very subtle easy to miss earlier signs. Not living with someone else, only seeing her random times, it is VERY easy to miss even the less subtle signs!

Anyway, once we found a nice place and could get plan B in motion (fib based on her own medical issue), she was moved to MC. I am the one managing everything for her (finances, medicine and non-provided supplies), ensuring she's cared for well there, getting medical/dental needs addressed and until lock down visiting. Her decline has been in stages, but given the progression, no way would caring for her myself have worked! Bros, on getting sticker shock of the cost, were hyped up on doing it themselves, assuming they would get that much as well, but either case would have been a disaster!

"...she'd have been in a memory care facility years ago." Can you do it now? MC or NH? If no funds, Medicaid? Even if there's no placement open, Medicaid can sometimes provide funds for in-home care - any help you can get to take some of the burden off can help! I believe Medicare also allows for respite care. Check it out.

"...I won't put anyone through taking care of me." You want to be sure you have legal documentation all set up for yourself, to cover this if you end up like her. The biggest issue with dementia is you might not know/understand you need the care! My mother's plans included moving to AL when she felt it was time, but dementia threw a monkey wrench into that! She insisted she was fine, independent and could cook (not true!) AND mentioning AL was tantamount to suggesting she take poison!

Even just managing everything for her is taxing, esp dealing with her condo, contents, cleaning, repair, selling and taxes after the fact!

Do look into getting mom into a place or getting help at home before you lose your mind!!!

Cancer is not a natural cause.

We all know that you dealt with your moms bowels cetude, you should seek some counseling to get over having to tell everyone every time you say anything.

I took care of my mom for 15 years. The last 5 she was 100% dependent on my including having her bowels moved. Caregiving is very stressful and it is hard. I had countless times I could not stand it..but I cared for her because I love my mom and nothing will ever change that. NOTHING. I did it willingly, and she was surrounded with love every single day. I never had to give her any narcotics or psychotropics and I kept her going, walking in the park, taking her to the malls (on a wheel chair) as much as I could. She was bedridden only 2-1/2 months only because she forgot how to stand, and did not respond to the environment. She did not die of dehydration because I had a feeding tube in her, which met her needs. Mom did NOT die of Alzheimer's. She died of other natural causes, so even if she was self-caring the same would have happened to her. She died almost a year ago and I would give my soul to the devil if I could have her back. Life is not the same without mom. Remember that. When they die, they are NEVER coming back. I'm still trying to recover from her loss. I'm working now, persuing my Master's degree...just carrying on. Going through the motions. But God I miss her still. 15 years of Alzheimer's. Insulin dependent diabetes. Untreatable high cholesterol (only because she could not tell me if she had side effects from the statins so I said no statins). her only medications were a single multi-vitamin, tube feeding, water boluses through feeding tube, lopressor 50 mg twice a day, and insulin. She died age 90. Skin in perfect condition. Doctors were amazed she lived that long with all her health problems. I was her life support.

To exhausted one.
I'm sure you will find many people that have gone through what you're going through. I did. At 70 my husband and I lived in the country and we bought a house in town so we could take care of my mother. We moved in one weekend moved her in the next week She was 88. she had lived with my brother for a while but started getting dementia. It was mild. But she had already spent 4 years with him. She had 11 children I be in the oldest. So I moved her in with us thinking how it was going to be good to be taking care of her, but within 2 years she got pretty bad. All her vital signs were good she didn't have heart problems, No diabetes, and she could get around by herself with the aid of a walker as time went on. But her memory was failing her the first year wasn't bad the second year she didn't know where the bathroom was no matter how many times I took her. During the second year my life and my husband's life changed what I would say I was used to coming and going anytime I wanted to but my mother was afraid to stay alone,so I could get a brother or a sister to come and stay with her for a couple of hours if I had to run to town at night she was afraid to sleep by herself so at 7:00 my husband would go watch television in the living room till bedtime and I would go to her room and watch television till she fell asleep that went on for 2 years. In the day I would sit with her in the living room and watch television or I would do my housework with my eye on her. When she got paranoid she wouldn't let me see her jewelry only one of my sisters could do that, she forgot my name when one of my sisters would come by and I went to the store she would ask who is that? And it hurt my feelings that she didn't know my name and here I was with her 24/7. I was very, very resentful. Here I had put my life on hold and she couldn't even remember me! I have three sisters one lived in the same town but didn't really visit much, the other one she came as much as she could. She lived about a hundred miles away. I have seven brothers and none had the capability of taking them to their house. I felt as housebound as she was. This past year she had a fall in the bathroom and broke her hip which landed her in the hospital. Mom had to have surgery and was in a hospital all by herself because of Covid. In the town for we lived it was hard to find a nursing home that hadn't had Covid. I prayed a lot during that time. I finally decided that she would come back home. in my mind she was going to have physical therapy and she would walk again. Before this fall happened she had been with hospice only because it was more convenient for her to have a dr. come to the house. The nurses would come and check her vital signs twice a week she had started sleeping a lot. She continued with hospice after she came home. And she rebound for a while, but they knew that she wasn't going to make it. In my mind I thought, no I'll get her well and she will walk again. But that surgery was hard on her, being alone in the hospital,not speaking English was hard on her. To the point that when she would wake up in my house in her bed she would try to speak English because she thought she was still in the hospital. Gradually she stopped eating she stopped drinking and she developed bed sores which really we stayed on top of. She finally passed away. And if I could do anything to change that, I would have. No matter how old we are or how ready we think we are, we're never ready when our parents die. I haven't grieved as much as the rest of my family members have. I have the hope of seeing her again. But I wish I had done some things differently. I wish she hadn't seen my resentment. (I did some yelling). In the Bible and Luke chapter 18 verse 20 the last part of the verse says honor your father and your mother to me that says it all. But I kind of do know what you're going through.

Hugs. I am fortunate enough that my mother is safe in a Memory Care facility but I still dread the sometimes daily phone calls with medical issues, falls, etc. Some days I want to ignore the calls but don’t.

No matter how frustrating it can be this is a chore I took on somewhat willingly. But still, it is a constant in my life. Even now, every time I make plans it’s in the back of my mind what to do if I get another call.