I feel horrible for doing this....

Question

Hi. I'm Jackie I'm 58. My husband Tom is 68.

I'm on disability due to RA, Fibromyalgia, DDD, osteoarthritis, depression/anxiety, etc.

My husband has numerous things wrong. Leukemia, diabetes, congestive heart failure, etc.

He's been in and out of the hospital numerous times. He's gone to a facility to get physical therapy. I've had home health come in here.

He's fallen multiple times in the home. He takes his insulin and eats and then lays in bed all day and wakes up in a sweat. Last time his blood sugar was 63. He ate a few cookies and went back to bed.

I've called 911 so many times it's unreal for him.

Anyhow, I picked him up from the hospital and took him to a nursing home. It's not going to be temporary this time. It's going to be permanent.

Why am I crying all last night and today? Why do I feel like crap? My health issues are worsening and I can't take care of him anymore.

He got pissed at me and said you want to get rid of me.

Thanks for letting me vent. I feel so guilty.

InFamilyService · Accepted Answer

It sounds like you are making the best decisions for husband and yourself. You have serious health issues and can do no more. Eventually he will adjust to his new living situation and maybe visits from you will be enjoyed. Take care of yourself and rest!

NeedHelpWithMom · Answer

First of all, I am so sorry. Cry if you need to. Honor your feelings. We don’t get over things. We work through it.

I have faith that you will get through this. It may take a little time to adjust to him being out of the house.

It will take time for him to adjust. He may feel abandoned right now but you know in your heart that you did not abandon him. He will realize this in time too. Give him a bit of time to adapt to his new circumstances.

You did all that you possibly could. When you felt that your caregiving was taking a toll on you, you were wise enough to let go. That took courage!

Allowing others to take over with professional care is so much better than holding on when a person no longer has the emotional or physical strength to do it.

Take care of yourself. Visit him when you are able. Be his wife again, not his one and only caregiver. That is too much for most people.

I wish you peace and joy. You deserve it.

AlvaDeer · Answer

I am so sorry for your grief, and really, for myself, it seems more grief than guilt. You have done what realistically you could do. You are not a Saint, but a human being. With limitations. With illnesses.  Guilt is for felons who do evil knowingly and for the fun of it. Grief is for those of us who suffer being unable to fix everything in the world, unable to make right what goes so wrong in life. Be the support you can. Give yourself the respect you so richly deserve. Trust me, felons who do evil feel no guilt. They are incapable of it. And incapable of grief.  Allow yourself to grieve. Is all this loss and pain not worth grieving for.  I wish you peace.

BarbBrooklyn · Answer

Dear Jaqui, I'm so sorry that your health issues prevent you from being your husband's full time caregiver.

In my opinion, it's much more important for you to be in good shape to be his loving wife and advocate. I'm so sorry that he can't see that.

It sounds like he is having a little snit. Don't take his words to heart. (((((Hugs))))))

I feel horrible for doing this....

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