Thank you everyone for all your responses. Here is where I’m at today. She left me a note saying she’s giving me the car. I proceeded to the kitchen and told her we didn’t have the luxury of writing notes. We were going to talk. Asked why she’s giving me the car? “Because I’m moving” ( remember she wants to go to Arizona to visit my Aunt who also has dementia) Me: "When were you going to let me know?” Her : "next month. I’ll pay rent through December”( this is a brand new apartment we moved into in July and she is primary lease holder) Me: "You cant do this mom. I can’t afford to pay for this place alone. I’m also helping my 23 year old son pay bills-he is jobless since this pandemic” Her: "This is not a pandemic and it’s not my problem that you’re helping him” Me: “mom we are family. Your grandson loves you. I love you. You’re making a mistake” Her:... something to the effect that we don’t love her, can’t remember what she mumbled. Me: "Daddy would be so disappointed in you.” Her: "No he’d be upset at you. I’ve wrote down everything you’ve said. It’s elder abuse”
So- to let you guys know I already have POA, along with my son and brother as alternates. I’ve called the landlord, to see what options I have. I've called my brother who told me to let her know she’s leaving me in the lurch and if she leaves there’s no coming back. And I’ve called Dept of Health and Senior Services to see if they can help. Have also called our family Dr and documented all of this. She has an appointment with him tomorrow.
Still am going to look into getting my own place because today was the last straw... but I do have options I think and our Family Dr is backing me up. I’d like to see her have her own place where I can check up on her. If not I’m not sure. I realize a lot of you say Vascular Dementia patients don’t have many years generally speaking. I’m not sure at this point if I can tolerate the same apartment with her. Guess I’ll see what happens at the Dr tomorrow.
Thank you so much for listening!
Julie
I’d keep in mind that the difficult behavior is a result of brain damage and not ill will or a desire to hurt you. I learned that it wasn’t personal towards me.
Ref. life expectancy...Vascular expectancy is an average of 5 years, however, there are the exceptions. My LO has mixed dementia with Vascular and Alzheimer’s. She’s end stage and on hospice, but it’s been 7 years since diagnosis. Vitals are still stable. Even though she is extremely thin, I wonder if she has years left. With good care, even people with serious health issues can survive for years.
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Thank you! I remembered your post yesterday about how aggressive vascular dementia is. My brother has washed his hands of this, and my grown son is trying to help me figure out what to do. Arizona might be great for her, and me, but the problem is my Aunt also has some type of dementia- being treated with the same med me mom is on. I’m just overwhelmed, today was pure h*ll. I did get ahold of her Dr because she is seeing him tomorrow... wanted him to know what I’m dealing with.I’m trying hard to control my stress level. I have lupus and the stress of all this is not what I need. Just don’t know if I should get into this POA that I am on for her, or try to get guardianship or just let her go?
to the world my mom appears a sweetie. But there is a reason my brother wants no part of this situation. She’s left the car running all night with the key in it. Left the water on in the kitchen, and soooo much more. She is extremely religious and somehow has it in her head my eyes which are dark brown turn black and scare her.
If you cannot pay the rent does that mean that Mom has a lease on this apartment? You may need to move if she doesn't return, OR get a roommate if she chooses to stay with her sister. It is my thought you are going to be hearing from this Sister REAL QUICK.
You say you have POA but unless Mom is diagnosed with dementia it is no good for you to do anything. And if it DOES have a diagnosis of dementia, then she is not safe rocketing around the country on planes. Would be very dangerous indeed. She may require memory care. You say you would like her to have "her own place where I can check up with her". If she has vascular dementia she is not safe in her own place. Needs placement with you or in memory care. Likely the latter. You may need guardianship. POA may not be enough.
For the life of me I cannot tell if Mom is simply a difficult woman planning to move by her sister, or an elder who is markedly confused and unable to handle her own care doing things that are very dangerous.
Now all that being said, yes you definitely need to find a place away from your mom. Thankfully she's moving to Arizona. Hopefully those plans won't change. I feel sorry for your poor Aunt, who really has no clue what she is in for. But once she's gone, she won't be your problem anymore, unless you let her be. You can bow out of being her POA if need be, and just let your brother handle things from here on out. I'm sure you are counting down the days until she leaves. I know I would be. Good luck with this hot mess!
And I forgot one of my favorite sayings that I learned from my caregivers support group, and that is "logic doesn't live here anymore" Try not to forget that. It does kind of keep things in perspective.
What they can't do is live a long life ALONE, independently, because it's unsafe to do so, for obvious reasons. When the executive brain function gets compromised, their decision making abilities go right down the drain. They can start wandering out in the street at 2 am, mixing chemicals together under the sink, all sorts of ugly things.
Your mother may be able to live alone for a short while, but certainly not for the long term. You can get your own place, of course, but you'll have to keep in mind that at some point, she's going to need care. Whether it's at home with care givers coming in daily or in a Memory Care Assisted Living.............one way or another, keep that thought in the back of your mind as you move forward.
Good luck!