No visitation because of Covid

"AlvaDeer,"

I gave my husband your "thanks" - he loved the book when he read it about 30 years ago, it is written like a novel/story but, packed a punch!

Would love to know what you think of it - whether good or bad.

NobodyGetsIt, all prayers are very gratefully accepted. "Thank Hubby for recommend and tell him I am getting it!

Dear "AlvaDeer,"

My husband suggests you might really enjoy reading "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis.

I always keep you in my prayers :)

Having faith doesn't mean, to me, that our loved ones won't die. It simply means that we believe God will be merciful and spare us as much hardship as possible along that journey to the end. Nobody knows when their number is up. My DH just had triple bypass surgery a couple of days ago. Did my faith prevent me from thinking he'd die? No it didn't. I wasn't 'questioning' my faith, either, just wondering if God was going to call him Home NOW vs. later. You know? So don't go there with your musings. Have faith that God will stand by you and by your dear father throughout all the ordeals you both face, and His guarantee that eternal life awaits all of us after the body dies. There is a great book out there by Dr. Eben Alexander called Proof of Heaven, about his near-death experience and what it was like to die. He provides a message of real hope for skeptics, especially as a man of science himself who'd always poo-poo'ed away all the 'afterlife nonsense.' He's singing quite a different tune nowadays! :)

Now, about the hospital. I've watched both of my parents suffer from Hospital Delirium whenever they went there. It was awful to witness. My father who did not have an ounce of dementia was acting unhinged in the hospital, seeing things that weren't there, just out of it entirely. My mother was trying to pack her bags in the paper sleeve that the eating utensils come in on the food tray! This delirium DOES pass once they're OUT of the hospital and back in familiar surroundings. It just goes with the territory, you know?

Try to speak to him on the phone as much as possible; let the staff at the hospital know that it's urgent you do so since there's a no visitor policy in force right now. See if you can make an appointment to speak with him at the same time every day, for instance, say 12 noon or something, NOT in the evening when sundowner's kicks their butts even harder and they're even MORE out of it than usual!!!! You might be able to arrange something like that which would be ideal. Don't expect him to be lucid, just let him know you love him & are thinking about him and awaiting his release and return home.

Good luck. I know how hard all of this truly is. God bless.

I am an atheist. Not by choice. Just never believed anything in my 78 years. that said I love Churches, faiths and their history, and the study of religion and have read since my early 20s very extensively about belief. Perhaps because in all my many foxholes I have never been visited by it.
Some wonderful books: the Religious Studies scholar Elaine Pagal and her "Why Religion". The Author C.S Lewis brilliant book about the death of his wife, the short and eloquent "A Grief Observed". Both found their strong faith in question when they suffered greatly; both ended with their faith all the more strong.
There is almost no scholar of religion, be he or she VERY religious or not at all, who has NOT questioned faith. Most "believers" return from this questioning with their faith STRONGER. I certain suggest Lewis's book to anyone who beats him or herself up for questioning their own strong faith. It is short, and exquisite, and makes one so forgiving of their own lack of "perfect understanding".

Dear "Annlat,"

I'm sorry that your dad's situation is one of those "one step forward, two steps back" type of thing.

Sounding weak is definitely to be expected with everything he's been through and continues to go through. I'm sorry to hear that the incision is leaking and he may be developing a possible infection. I'm always grateful when they get a wonderful nurse who makes a special effort to assist.

I did smile when he told you if you need anything to call him - that's one to keep in your memory bank.

There is nothing wrong when it comes to questioning things in regards to faith - it's human even for those who have a lot of faith - "why" being the most asked question. But God says His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not ours. He will always have a sort of mystery about Him imo to keep us wanting to search in order to get to know Him more fully. So don't beat yourself up for not having your sister's faith or anyone else's for that matter. We are to have a personal relationship with Him that's all our own, flaws and all. God always has a purpose and a reason for everything and nothing surprises Him. Sometime we may get to know that purpose/reason after the fact and other times we may never know in this life.

I will be praying for you as this continue to unfold and that God will give you strength.

I'm so glad you got to say your "I love yous" to each other in the meantime. Many have not been able to have that opportunity especially with the pandemic/lockdowns.

Keep holding on!

Well, my dad is still in ICU and seemed to be very slowly improving, but now he has leaking at his incision and a possible infection. At least I had a sweet nurse working with him 2 days ago who took the time to hold the phone so I could talk to him. We sounds very weak, which I'm sure he is, but he knew who I was and we got to say our I love yous. Then he told me to call him if I need anything. :-) I don't know how this is going to go, I guess we never know. He was not oriented yesterday, as reported by the nurse.
We were brought up Catholic and I really wish I had my sister's faith....I always question things. But I do think God has a purpose and reason. I have to think that way.
Thank you again for support and listening.

Thanks for your answers and thoughts. I know I'm (we're) not alone with this Covid problem, but I'm afraid my dad's mental state is going to keep declining while he lies in an ICU bed amongst strangers. He is not oriented or alert. And he can't hold the phone himself. Some of his nurses are great and will help with this at times. I know they are busy, but the truly caring nurses help my family cope with this.

In addition to the suggestions here, see if you can send in some large pictures of family to hang on his wall, so he can see them.

Amen.

Good to know that there are options for staying in touch and getting a chance to lay your eyeballs on your loved one and visa-versa.

Feel free to vent. Yes, this is so hard. We are now hitting our third peak, and I have thought before they said it that this will be a dark winter coming. There is going to be no way to protect our elders, or any others who must congregate together, and the loss of love and companionship is so damaging when we are ill. There is no answer in any of this for any of us until we get vaccine, even that at best will help 60% and that is IF we all take it, which we know won't happen. So these are trying times. I think the death we are seeing now will look lightweight in future when the system is overwhelmed, and today we hear what we already knew would be there case, there is not enough N95 masks and other PPE. I worry that our medical folks will go down, go away. I spent my life as a nurse and like soldiers, you thrive in the fight, but you do wear out over time, just as we have seen with our fighting forces. When my brother's ex had to go into the hospital with gallbladder surgery he did fine there, but got Covid in rehab, and was back in hospital in no time. It was a difficult 3 month fight for a man in his 70s. Has ended a wraith of what he was before that. The helplessness and fear has to be so tough on the family, and you have my best wishes and hope for recovery.

Dear "Annlat,"

I certainly understand you being sick with worry about your father being in the hospital with no visitation.

I hadn't seen my mom since February 28th, then her ALF went into lockdown on March 13th leaving me to wonder how will I know how she was doing since her windows were not accessible from the outside. We ended up getting her an iPad which was difficult for her to use since she was 95 with Alzheimer's unless I called her on the phone first and walked her through it. It helped until she stopped answering the iPad because unbeknownst to us she became severely ill.

In April, we got a call from an outside mobile nurse who said she was near death due to severe dehydration and COVID. I called her facility and told them I wanted her taken to the ER. I felt horrible knowing she was in an insolated wing in the hospital all alone and my husband and I not being able to be by her side. I'm sure she was frightened seeing the hospital staff in full gear - their masks were the big black gas masks which even took me aback.

I would think maybe with everything they are giving your father that he may be "out of it" so to speak and that's why he's confused.

Can you ask them to do a Facetime with you and your dad when he is able. That's what we did. The hospital staff had one iPad to pass around to all the families on the floor. We were able to do it twice but at least she was able to see us and vice versa. I reassured her I knew she was there because I had her taken there, we didn't abandon her and we were in constant communication with her wonderful doctors and nursing staff. This helped us all tremendously.

The pandemic has created such a hardship for both the families and our loved ones so please know you are not alone in what you're experiencing.

I know you're just venting; I know it's hard but, just wanted you to know you are by no means alone in all this.

I will be praying for you and your father - may he get better soon!