Not a question but a warning. Here to tell you: Caregiving, if done well, can kill you. Seriously.

gdaughter, I am wondering how you are doing. Thinking of you.

I am convinced that caring for my mother killed my father. He was perfectly healthy, caring for her, keeping house, going to the grocery store, and being Superman, and his body just gave out. He went from healthy and vigorous to dead in six weeks from liver cancer that didn't affect him at all except his abdomen started filling with fluid.

Except that he wanted to be there for my mother "'Til death do us part," he didn't believe he'd be the one who went first. Nevertheless, he wouldn't have had it any other way.

I just now am starting to realize the effect that caretaking is having on me. I don't have a great deal of responsibilities in my life, and I only visit them once a week. But the tasks keep increasing. The phone calls, gathering information, communication to their friends and doctors, and just the emotional effort of the responsibility and anxiety of what's going to happen "this time" the phone rings. It's more difficult that I had imagined. I find myself drained for the whole next day after I visit. My throat is raw because I have to yell to my hearing impaired father and my blood pressure is high and I usually have a headache from the stress. I'm glad you lived to tell the tale and will recover fully in due time.

Sorry you had to go through that horrible ordeal trying to do the right thing, caregiving.
However, I appreciate you sharing your story, me personally, I was on the verge of getting sick. But ready stories and advice as like your, I do not feel guilty any longer or think I'm not doing enough. I have learned through others experiences. I have matured and learned a great deal in caregiving thanks to you and others willing to give advise and share there stories. I feel ok with how I am handling caregiving today, and your story is one that truly saved me. So thank you.

Imho, I am so sorry that you had to endure this, though I am not at all shocked. Many of us who turned into caregivers out of absolute necessity to our elderly parents are up there in age ourselves. Also the stress of caregiving is real. Prayers sent to you.

So very sorry you had to endure this - how frightening!!! Wow what a hospital bill too! I'm glad you made it and I hope you can have a less stressful life - you deserve to enjoy your life. Us caregivers have to learn to take care of ourselves. It can be the most stressful, emotional, job ever! Unless you have lived it you have no idea - especially if you are not appreciated - treated like a slave that doesn't matter except to serve them. A most stressful situation. God Bless!!!

Thanks for sharing your story. Such a good warning to us all. I’m so sorry that that all happened to you.
I have taken my mother to the doc this week, and visited yesterday. Today, she was crying about her loneliness again today. Would I please come over?
She is in a lovely IL apartment. She refuses to participate in any activities. Refuses to just go down to the lobby and say hello to people.
Anyway, I know she has enough groceries. She is safe. My own health issues are having an awful flare today, and I am in bed. I needed to tell her no, and I did.
I won’t be able to visit at ALL, if I sink, so I need to take care of ME today.
Thanks again for your story.
Colleen

Well, you now deffiently know what Seniors go thru when having to stay in a Nursing Home.
Care giving is very hard but only if you try to do everything yourself instead of having help even if the help doesn't do things the way we think best.
You do have to care for yourself because no one else will.

So sorry that this was your experience. You are very lucky to be alive since surgery for aortic dissection is usually 50/50. Not getting it repaired is 100% certainty of death. Please do whatever you must to take care of yourself. So glad your folks did well in your absence. For the record, 40% of caregivers die before their charges... and I am glad you are not part of the 40% group.

I feel so bad for you. I feel I’m half way there myself. (I developed tachycardia from my stress as well midkid). I wish there was a better way to take care of ourselves and protect ourselves from stress. Get well soon

After pretty much non stop caring for DH, family members, daughters with new babies, etc..and then trying to care for myself with cancer last year--I realized that I live my life totally for other people. Spending almost no time on my own faitgue levels, depression etc. To what end? Nobody really cared!

Mentioning on a virtual call to my PCP a couple months ago I casually remarked that my 'heart palpitations' were starting to really annoy me. He was "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" And somehow my pre-chemo workup on me heart never made it to him.

He had me in a cardiologist office that day and I wore a Holter monitor for 72 hrs. After it was off and he called me with the results--I said "So, did I throw some 'offbeats'?" Thinking I hadn't had any episodes that made me lightheaded or anything--and he replied "You are almost in tachycardia 24/7. No wonder you're so tired." Been on metoprolol since and I do feel better--and when the episodes come, they're manageable.

Something I had lived with for a while--had actually brought in in several dr visits and it took my sweet PCP to dx it.

What's it due to? Pretty much just stress.

Dh is just now taking some of the burden of caring for his mother--and yesterday after spending about 45 minutes with her, he came home and actually CRIED. Not a lot, but to even have a couple of tears--that's like hysterics for him.

It was a wakeup call for him as she was (I guess, I wasn't there) as she became absolutely profane with him--we talked for hours about it--I have not had any relationship with her for years, really, and he has let his poor sister handle it all---and she is exhausted. Took early retirement b/c MIL will not allow ANYONE ELSE to help.

I did caregiving to 'strangers' as my job. It WAS stressful, but not one iota the stress of dealing with our mothers.

She told him to 'go to h3ll' as he was walking out the door. Oh, and to be sure to tell ME too.

So sorry you’ve had to go through this!

The toll on caregivers is so overlooked, and even when one thinks they can handle it and have really good self care, the sheer grinding stress can sneak up and wreak havoc!! ( Just learned that one myself )

Thank you for sharing, I wish you a speedy recovery, and peace!!

Gdaughter, to look on the bright side - if you hadn't been caregiving, and you hadn't already been tired and stressed out and feeling unwell in the run-up to this dissection... you might have ignored it and then it would have been Goodnight Vienna.

On the other hand, I couldn't agree more strongly that the best way to use this awful experience is as a wake-up call - not to mention a clear demonstration that your parents will manage, come what may :)

Get better, be well, and go on taking good care of yourself. Many hugs.

Here are some interesting and scary statistics. Caregivers have a 63% higher mortality rate than non caregivers, and 40% of Alzheimer's caregivers die from stress related disorders before the patient dies. So yes, this issue is real and should not be taken lightly.

Wishing you a full recovery, and peace for your journey.

Dear gdaughter, we hear caregiver stories of hopelessness, being stressed out and at the end of one's rope. We never hear stories of what “over” caring can do to the caregiver. Yours is a scary story that I wish other caregivers could hear. This forum is a start. Thank you for sharing. Sometimes sharing a difficult story can be therapeutic, I hope it is for you. Fortunately you were taken to one of the premier hospitals in the US. It is not well known but almost 30% of the caregivers of dementia patients die before their LO does. Some die naturally or of a pre-existing condition and some die because of the complications that the never-ending stress of caring causes. Caregivers must know their limits; know when to throw in the towel, when to call it quits.

I'm saddened that this medical emergency has changed your life so. Your life has been one of caring and giving both for your mom and dad and for helping other elderly age gracefully. I salute you and wish you a full recovery. The world needs people like you.

"lealonnie1,"

"2020: The gift that keeps on giving."

I want to return the gift and get my life back!

I am so very sorry you have experienced this misery.

What a horrible wake up call! I sincerely hope that you totally recover and live the best life possible.

Promise yourself that you will start to place yourself at the top of the list! You deserve it. You can’t afford to allow any additional stress in your life.

Best wishes to you and your future.

2020: The gift that keeps on giving.

Wishing you a very speedy recovery and a way to strike a deal with the medical institutions coming after you for ridiculous amounts of money. Just make sure to take care of YOU now, and speak to your doctor about which drugs are medically necessary to keep you on the road to a full recovery vs which ones are optional. Same with the doctor appointments; which ones are vital vs. which ones can be eliminated. Unless they'd like to give you all of this for free?

Good luck!

Sadly, a Dissecting Aortic Aneurysm can happen to any of us at any time, as can an aneurysm sitting in our brains, all quiet and unknown until, bam! These little weakenings in the vessel walls are sometimes thought to have been there from birth; My Daughter's co-teacher just got a brain aneursym this week, she's only in her mid 50s. Felt a bit headachy, left campground for home, found down when her husband arrived hours later. No stress; was having a great time.
These things can happen to us, and it is so difficult to pin it down to any one reason. All that said, we know stress isn't good for us; how to avoid it would be the larger issue.
I am so sorry this happened to you, so thankful you were able to get help; so many never make it to help; many more are not diagnosed quickly enough to be saved. This is going to take time for recovery.
So so thankful you are here, and as to the larger issue of caring for elders and passing before they do, it has been seen here on Forum. Your warning is timely at any time. I think many here have actually expressed that they fear stress will kill them. We do need to consider each day how we choose to live our lives within the limiting choices we have.
I wish you so much healing. What an amazing journey; I know you could write a book, and maybe you should consider that? Healing thoughts sent your way.

What a horrible experience that must have been!   Not just not being able to care for your parents but the guilt feeling compounded by an aortic dissection, and an astronomical bill!   

You mentioned that your identity was "snatched."  Do you mean the records were hacked or compromised, or something else?   I would be furious as well about setting up appointments w/o ensuring I was available, and scripting for drugs although I do understand given that you had a serious issue.  However, you don't have to be bound to take every drug they prescribe; some institutions haven't figured out that what's necessary isn't always a whole bundle of drugs.

I hope you have peace in your life going through the rest of this turbulent year, and a peaceful winter which allows you to heal, and to bond more with your parents.

Thanks for sharing this unpleasant experience, and I hope that you do heal well and eventually put this behind you.