I am the out of state daughter of an 93 year old mother with neuropathy, on a walker, bad shoulders, and living in independent living apt. attached to a larger facility. My sister lives in town and has primary responsibility for mom's needs. I travel to their city where I spend 4 months in the summer to help - but with Covid, I didn't get up there this year. Additionally, I do and keep all of mom's finances and make any and every call needed to outside agencies as needed for mom.
My sister is very dramatic and has a love/hate relationship with my mom. My mom can be very passive aggressive to us both. She wants mom out of her life. Recently, in the past few years, my sister has taken out her resentment and anger on me. She is deeply furious that I live out of state and cannot take my "50% of mom." She stops talking to me, or says something nasty to me, and then apologizes which are now hollow to me. I have had much counseling to deal with the dynamics of our family and mom's aging care. It has helped me so much and I have offered to take my sister, pay for it, to help her deal with this time in life. She refuses. I write because this year, with me not getting there, everything has gotten worse. Sister feels so put upon. I have offered additional homecare for mom, I have tried to arrange other rides for mom if she needs to get to a Dr. So far, my sister does it all.
So this week, my sister now wants mom is assisted living because of her neuropathy and being a fall risk, among other changes that my sister reports to me. Mom cannot afford assisted living on her own. But we have long term care insurance and the possibility of VA funding if medical criteria are met. Mom is still independent on her walker, although feeble. She meets all of her activities of daily living so her long term care insurance would not pay for her to go to assisted living.
Today, I checked with homecare with some questions for the aide who sees mom weekly on changes in mental and physical status. I have been informed that there have been no changes in mom. That mom still bathes herself although the aide helps her get in and out of the shower. That mom still dresses herself. I reported this to my sister and her response was, "well I'm glad you have THEM to ask."
My sister and I used to be great friends. She has pushed me completely out of her life. It happens over and over again. A couple of years ago I was devastated by her stopping talking to me. I'm better now but what a waste. We could be such a good team, but I feel like through this aging process with mom, I have lost a sister.
Sorry this is so long. Just needed to vent.
I was a bit dismayed by some of the responses, esp from some of the "sisters" in "similar" situations. Redirecting your own anger or relating your own situation into this one isn't really productive. I have no sisters, but my two brothers are useless and mostly non-present. However, this sister HAS been helpful excluding 2020 due to the virus, by spending 4 months doing the care needed and taking care of the paperwork and finances. I would have been ecstatic had my brothers even visited! Less flak from them would have been helpful too. So, I am also the "one" who takes care of everything, but had to learn to let the anger at them go. It was counter-productive and wouldn't change anything.
While I understand the angst some of you have, taking a few minutes to ask questions or consider suggestions rather than dumping on the OP based on your own experiences would be more productive and helpful. Some comments were fine, others were really not. It is one reason why I reached out privately to the OP.
Rather than "chime in" here, I addressed the OP via PM. Without going into all the details, in the end it turns out the big issue was that mom had an infection in her mouth, which was causing a lot of the recent issues. I had highly recommended OP post a comment, to let everyone know that things have more or less been resolved, but she hasn't done that. Perhaps she wasn't comfortable coming back to post anything - I wouldn't be surprised!
I don't feel it is my place to do that, but dealing with the run-on issue with home-care warriors and facility deniers made me think of this discussion often too, and how some were "judging" the OP. Please BBKjets, forgive me if I'm overstepping here, but this was the result of getting mom treated:
"...mom for now, has bounced back to the woman she normally is. My sister and I were able to "make up" and have a good heart to heart talk."
Hopefully all is still well with you BBKjets, and hopefully you haven't sworn off this site. Some people just get a little too wound up!
To whom it concerns: Before jumping to conclusions, perhaps try asking questions or making suggestions instead of taking your own frustrations out on this person.
Apologies to BBKjets for stepping in here. I hope you don't mind.
The difference between you and your sister is the varied dynamics each of you have re: control and response.
You have control of when and how you engage and can be proactive. That is an imposition, yes, but it is known to be less stressful than a constant reactive dynamic. This dynamic allows you to maintain a positive mindset. You can disconnect and enjoy your life.
Your sister has no control over 24-hour on-call, reactive care (again, known to be far more stressful, especially over time). Her dynamic can lead to depression, resentment, and a negative mindset (the brains way of protecting you so you aren't disappointed). All decisions for her life are dictated by your mom's needs.
Is there any chance that you could offer to step in for her, for a long (10 day or 2 week) vacation? You could tell her you are concerned that she is experiencing burnout, love her immeasurably, and want to give her a break for her to rest and recharge.
This immersion might give you a fresh perspective, her an overdue break, and both of you a fresh appreciation for one another.
It is a difficult situation, but surmountable.
Wishing you peace,
Heather Marriott
Crisis Coach
Nashville, TN
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I wish she hadn’t used social media to update her friends and family about what a nice time she was having with my mom.
I wish she hadn’t sent me pictures of her and my mom laughing and having a great time.
I wish that once in a while when she called me that she would have validated the obvious; that this was very difficult for me.
In short, I developed issues I never knew I could have. Anger, resentment and a loathing for my sister. Thank God they were temporary because I couldn’t stand myself for having those feelings. It’s likely that your sister feels much the same way. When she’s tending to your mom’s needs, she’s imagining what you’re doing at the same time. You're getting up and going to work, coming home to a normal routine at night, sleeping undisturbed hours and living your own life. But your sister isn’t, she can’t. Even though you handle your mom’s finances and phone calls it’s not at all what your sister faces day in and day out.
So keep exciting news of your life to yourself for now, and even mundane news. Give her the praise she deserves. Listen to her and let her vent because she really needs to vent. Never tell her to settle down or get a grip on herself. Don’t be condescending (although I’m sure you don’t intend it that way)by offering to hire help for her, she’ll tell you when she needs it. Tell her how grateful you are that she is handling this hard situation. Tell her you admire her loyalty and dedication.
Just give it a try, I’m willing to bet it will help.
These problems happen more often than you think. If your sister cant accept that you live out of state and you are unwilling to relocate... well... not a lot can be done here. The best you can do is get on with your life, be supportive when you can and just move thru it. Hopefully after your Mom passes the wounds will heal. My wife went thru some of this with her siblings. She insisted on taking care of her Mother. As things worsened none of her siblings stepped up (2out of 3 live out of state) They could not or were unwilling to drop their lives and run back home to help. It is just how it goes. It is called life. Good luck
* Your sister is burnt out upon layers of burnt out. She is taking it out on YOU.
* Your sister needs to learn to take responsibility for how she feels and, if open to a discussion, decide together how to make this easier for her, i.e., hire others.
* You cannot change your sister. She has to do that.
* You may need to accept how the relationship is now. It may change, improve, or not. You may need to learn to let go (more).
* And, if you haven't done this yet 'do' see the situation from your sister's point of view (burn out/put upon, you have it 'easy street' due to distance). Give her reaffirming compassion and understanding for how SHE FEELS. This doesn't mean you agree with her; it means you hear her and are listening and validating how she feels. If this doesn't work / if she isn't ready for this, you need to back off and take care of yourself, offering to do what you can.
Glad you are venting with us. That's what we are here for. Gena.
1 - Your sister appears to be overwhelmed or burnt out with caring for your mom. It is not about your mom's conditions, but about your sister's coping. If she is not willing to talk to a counsellor regularly or allow additional help, the situation will not change. "Venting" to you does not change the situation, and does not appear to relieve your sister's stress either. Next time she calls to "vent," decide on how long you are willing to listen (10 minutes?) and explain that you would like to listen for ______minutes and then discuss changes to alleviate whatever she vents about. She will either get onboard with finding solutions or stop complaining longer than you are willing to listen.
2 - Your mom has problems that require help.
If she can live mostly independently, she may only need home health care in the morning and/or evening for hygiene and dressing. If you and your sister check in on her daily via phone and visits, could she manage in an inexpensive apartment that was not assisted living? Can she get by/afford more home health care aide hours and less time with your sister?
If mom needs more help than I mentioned above and she doesn't qualify for residential facility, are you willing/able to move mom in with you? It appears all your sister's complaints are that she wants out of caregiving and would rather you do it. I understand that it would require a lot of planning, moving, and contracting help near you to care for your mom.
The compromise between those 2 options is to start conversations with the facility where your mom resides. Explain that your sister needs respite -and maybe to be relieved of caregiving responsibilities - and game plan with them about how to meet your mothers needs while your sister takes time off from caregiving. If you decide on this option, you will need your sister to work with you and the facility on this plan. She will need to decide if she just needs respite - and for how long - or needs to bow out of caretaking all together.
I am in a grumpy mood today 😠 & want a bulk order of common sense hats handed out on mass to the whole world.
Elders: plan now for your non-independace. Your daughters are not your servants. They may CHOOSE to help.
Sisters: if you want to be a hands-on carer, do it. If you don't then don't. Stop trying to guilt each other. What you do does not need to be matched exactly by your sister: either your live-next-door sister or your out-of-town sister. You have different talents, needs & lives. This I do more, she does nothing attitude is not helping anyone solve anything.
There. That's my rant over.
Wait. PS. If your buden is too great. Set it down & seek help. That's your responsibility. It is not up to others to read your mind & save you. Take action.
I mean no disrespect to the full-time caregivers. Your lot is indeed hard. I speak as the nearby one too. I do not expect the out-of-towner to rescue me. I must save myself.
You say you could be such a good team - but team play is all about everyone doing the same amount of work to reach the goal. That doesn't appear to have ever been the case if you weren't around.
Talk to mom's doctor about an evaluation to move her to assisted living where she will get more assistance. The wording of the evaluation should put the long term care in motion. It can only help in two ways - mom gets more attention and sister feels better about the situation. Do it before you really do lose a sister. The history may have a strain in the relationship, but it's always possible to mend.
I think I'll just go decorate my Christmas tree.
Have you thought about having someone from the assisted living come and do an evaluation? That’s what I had to do when deciding what type of care my mother needed. I also had her primary care person review her medical needs. My mother qualified for the VA aid and attendance pension but it took six months - so I would inquire about that ASAP. The assisted living may also know about the long term care insurance.
I read briefly through some of the other responses. I know you want to support your sister. But it may be time to have the direct conversation about what is practical without the emotion. Something like, “look, I’m not moving and can’t travel safely due to Covid. You need to put your frustration aside for a bit so we can address the issues and come up with some practical solutions to help you and mom.” If she still wants to argue you might need to say something like, “arguing is not a plan - I am going have to end this conversation because we have been here before. I offered some practical solutions and you refuse to work as a team.” You might remind her that your mother is only going to continue to decline and sooner or later calm and practical decisions will need to be made.
I’m sorry you are going through all this. Let us know if anything works!
One if the really difficult parts of being a caregiver is the constant thoughts of "are they ok". Everytime my phone rings, I check to see if it's them, any hour of the day or night. If a text comes in, I look. My phone is always near. Mom is a night owl and will text me at 2 am to say she is watching a great movie! Like a parent with a newborn, my ears are tuned to hear that, and I wake up. Because sometimes the message is something serious I need to deal with. I go to my painting class or my book club and never put my phone away, because Mom might call. And she often does. Again, sometimes it's something unimportant but it could be serious. So I go to social, enjoyable things, but never get to fully relax and enjoy.
That's the day-to-day reality of caring for a parent who is "independent " and it's the kind of thing that sucks your energy out. And the thing that is really hard for an out of town family member to help with!
I suggest you get in the habit of calling your mother every, single day. Not the quick "how you doing, ok, bye" call. Have a real conversation. Ask her about, or tell her about a movie or book. Tell her about your holiday decorating. Reminisce about events from your childhood, vacations or parties or funny family stories. Let her talk all she wants, people who live alone don't talk to others enough. Let her complain to you. Spend a half hour with her. If you can do it on facetime or portal or zoom it's even better. Stop your life for 30 minutes every day to spend with your Mom.
Several good things will happen. First, you will reconnect with Mom as a person instead of a responsibility. Second, it will take some pressure off your sister, because Mom has someone else to lean on, talk to, complain to, listen to. Third, you will realize how hard it is to commit just 30 minutes a day to Mom, on your schedule and that will give you a peek into what your sister deals with daily and not at her convenience. Fourth, your sister will see you making an effort to be involved in a hands-on way. Not just doing financials and paperwork (valuable yes, but at your convenience) but by committing time to Mom personally.
The last benefit will be that you get a better grasp on Mom's true situation. This info will help down the road when arrangements need to be made for further care.
And it might make it clear that you need to find a way to get there more often. There is always way, despite distance, covid, or jobs! Check out the Family Medical Leave Act. You can get paid for time you take off work to care for a family member.
Best of luck to you.
My question would be, if your Mom dresses herself, has aides who physically assist her when needed, and meets all the activities of daily living assessments, exactly what care is your sister providing? Is that care really necessary? What would happen if she simply visited your mother and did nothing but talk with her?
Although my sisters and I "care" for our mother, we mostly provide company, moral support and transportation. We are not physically able to do anything requiring lifting or other physical exertions. One sister does spend a lot more time with Mom, but it is her choice to do so. Bear in mind that nothing actually requires you to do anything at all for your aging mother, especially not as you reach the age where you may, yourself, require assistance with some of the chores you easily handled yourself 10 years ago.
The primary rule of caregiving is to take care of yourself, first. Be clear with yourself and your sister and mother what limits you have. If you are in a good place where you live and intend to stay there, make sure that it is well-understood that you are not going to move. If you are handling the finances and dealings with the bureaucracies of aging you are already doing a major job. My oldest sister, who lives further away also does this. It takes a big load off the rest of us. That sister also calls Mom every day just to keep her company. Do not let your sister belittle those contributions.
You may want to talk with a counselor about this and try to make a list of the things your are willing to take on and those you are not willing to take on, but bear in mind that as your mother will continue needing more and more you and your sister will be able to do less and less. You may want to encourage your sister to do less and let the professionals already engaged judge how your mother copes when she has a bit less support. It is easy to over-estimate how well the elderly are coping if there is a daughter doing a whole lot. Try not to let yourself be bullied by your Mom and sister and be sure to take time to appreciate your friends and neighbors. Sometimes they are more important to your overall well-being than family.
Then we have dear old dad who is 103 and deaf and ignorant. When I complained about the fridge situation in the past week, and made a comment to the effect of how I could't take it any more, he whined back "I have nerves too!" "It's the way it is. I can't do anything about it. You'll have to get used to it". I also have to put up with both of them getting into MY food. This was intolerable prior, now it is more of an issue, as I am recovering with limited appetite from a near life/death illness. Yes, that's what your dear sibling could be looking at for all she is doing/being burdened with. I was rushed to the hospital when I really really didn't feel well, and had severe, unrelenting back pain at the time. It resulted in my being taken by helicopter to the main campus of the Cleveland Clinic (cost: $47,000---think how much in -home assistance that would cover people--and no I do not have it to pay) where I underwent surgery for what is nearly always fatal (think John Ritter, Alan Thicke) an aortic disection. It has been a huge challenge to recuperate, no matter how independent my folks can be. Just one example: My mother clearly clueless to what happened to me, didn't miss me the weeks I was absent, and continues with her typical obnoxious behaviors. Notes on food like "NOT YOURS DO NOT TOUCH" are deliberately ripped off and ignored. She COULD be drinking from the bottle so it has to be trashed. SHe is taking raw eggs, I think attempting to eat them, dad thinks she is just throwing them out. We have a chair moved to be near our patio door so I can sit as I let my pup out after doing the stairs...mother moves it back, when I have very limited energy to function. AND: sibling of late BLAMES me for what happened to me for ignoring my health, avoiding MD's, I should have known I had high BP, THEY should be stuck in an Asstd Lvg (whether it's good for either and they want it, regardless of financial implications etc. Comes at me with her selfish attitude that no one expects me to sacrifice my life yadayada. ANd rubs in MOST people do not live their whole lives with their parents. Never mind that she can avoid all of this, and do nothing. Taking over the financial stuff would only add to confusion. She turns that around to say I HAVE to be in control so she knows I will not agree. To top it off when she rushed in because I was near death, she has now tallied up to the penny what SHE is owed for airfare and incidentals that came to $799.41, which included a couple meals for the folks!
Have you considered paying your sister, out of your mom's money, for what she does? We have to keep accurate records of the time and activities, and might possibly have to use them to get Medicaid and VA help if she has to eventually go into a memory care facility, but so far, it's worth it. During this covid mess, the extra money has helped both my sister and myself financially. This can all be done legally, and it's only fair. It's a tough job being the physical caregiver. I know taking care of the finances is work too, but not even close to what it's like to deal with the actual caregiving.
Again, my point is about the financial aspect. Do something to help your sister get compensated for her time. Ask her if it would help her to handle it better. The help is available and it's fair.
What I can tell you is there is no way you can really relate to the 24/7 job that your sister is doing. Your sister is hurt and angry and overwhelmed and exhausted. Caregiving is life ALTERING. The truth is also that there can be healing. My sister and I do speak and while I cannot forget her abandonment not only of our parents but also of me, I have forgiven her and want to move on and maintain a relationship with her. We're both working on it and I know it would make my parents happy.
Here's my advice. First, tell your sister you're sorry. You know it's not fair. You want to help. Visit. A LOT. As often as you can though in these times that's tough to do. Ask her, say listen, I want to help, I want to help her, I want to help you - tell me exactly what you want me to do - give me a list. And then do it. Don't make excuses. Well, I can't do it because I'm not there. GO there, get what you need and do it. Offer to bring mom to you out of state if she's going into ALF. If your sister thinks she needs ALF, she does. End of story. Maybe you can try caring for her daily in your home before you come to a conclusion about her care. Bring her to your home. I gave my sister a list. Here's these dates can you come take care of her while I leave town? Here, can you call this person about x,y.z. Etc. She did some but not all. She offered to take my mom to her but when push came to shove she said she couldn't do it. I pretty much knew she never would.
One other thing you should know. When my mother died after I cared for her, I felt peace. I felt love and I felt that I had done everything in my human power to care for her. My sister did not, in a big way - a much bigger way then she or I anticipated. The grief process is never easy, but for my sister it has been very complicated and 6 months later, she cries everyday and is really struggling with our mother's death. At first I did want to say, you reap what you sow buttercup, but I know that's not what my mother would have wanted and as much as it's how I thought I would feel, I truly felt sorry for her. So, I do what I can to care for her and listen to her and help her in her grief journey. Something I thought I would never be capable of. I mourn my mother and miss her dearly but I have a sense of peace that my sister does not. Regardless of your sister, make sure you are in a healthy place with your mother. Don't let your feelings for your sister get in the way of what you need to do/say/live for your relationship with your mom. And hold on to hope that things can mend with your sister. Trust me, after your mom is gone, you may really want her in your life.
Best of luck to you - it's never easy.
For so many years, my siblings and others would say our parents were able to live independently, when they really were not. I was making deliveries, driving them to appointments, my husband was called regularly to help them get up from a fall. That is not living independently. My mother got terribly ugly with me at times when she was upset because of their physical and mental decline. Caretaking is physically and mentally exhausting. And covid has amped up the stress considerably.
When my mom entered al last year after a fall, it was really difficult at first. But after a few months, I realized I was actually enjoying spending time with her. Now that every conversation doesn’t involve an ever-increasing to-do list for me, I can see what a wonderful mother I have.
When I look back at how stressed and overwhelmed I have been these past several years, I know I have felt resentment toward my siblings and I am afraid I’ve been snippy with them at times. I’m so sorry. I realize that they simply couldn’t understand what I was going through.
It hit me like a ton of bricks when we were all on a group text and I had explained that I had a full weekend of unexpected chores to do at our parents house. They immediately laid out their plans of concerts and social activities. Twice I asked them to come help when one of our parents was in the hospital but both said they had to work. Never mind that I had just started a new job and have taken tons of days off in the last 12 years to take our parents to appointments, surgeries, and other hospital stays.
My siblings are not insensitive clods. They simply had no idea how much the comments could hurt when I felt like I didn’t have the luxury of planning fun activities for myself or my family due to constant emergencies with our aging parents.
several times one of my siblings has questioned my decisions about our parents. That really hurts. Please talk to your sister about what should be done for your mom, but please try to listen to her. It’s perfectly ok for you to set boundaries to protect yourself and not allow her to lash out at you. But please don’t withdraw your support just yet. You will both need each other soon.