Update on mom.......

Vicky, I am so sorry to see your update on your Mother. It immediately brings back tears and a lump in my throat, after watching my Dear Father pass away. That feeling of suffocating is the worst. I pray for a peaceful passing for your Mother and I'm just not sure what will help your Father. May he find some peace in knowing she is not in pain and will be waiting for him. It really is just heartbreaking to see this. May God be with you, in your time of need.

Vicky, what a blessing you have to walk with your mother through these last days. I did the same with my dad a few months ago, and though it was so very hard I count it a privilege to have been there. I’m so sorry for you and your dad in this, wishing you both peace and pockets of rest

Vicky, I am so thankful that this journey for your Mom is peaceful, and most of all thankful that your Dad is getting such comfort from their shared faith. You are correct that the blotchy discoloring and cooling in lower extremities means that the end of this passage is coming soon. I am so grateful you are all with her, and she is being kept so comforted and at peace. My very best wishes out to you all.

(((((((hugs)))))) Vicki

Dear Vicky,

I'm echoing what "earlybird" said - I was so glad to read that she is sleeping most of the time with no pain - that in and of itself is a huge blessing! We really can't hope for anything other than that because we know nothing is going to change and become better.

We know their hearing is the last to go, so I hope you are all talking to her just as if she were awake. The day before my dad died, I was reading my favorite bible verses to him about heaven and he made a loud groan (it actually frightened me in a way) and I sang to him on his final day.

Your dad has come a long way from last week and what a touching moment you saw when he told her "wait for me in heaven when you get there." I'm so glad you are spending the night with him so he won't be alone - I know he needs you now more than ever. There's nothing better than to have the family together in those final moments and comforting one another.

Take care of yourselves and may God be with you all -

Oh Vicky, my heart goes out to you and your dear dad. I know it is so difficult. I am glad you both have faith, that is how I got through with my dad and brothers death. It is wonderful she seems to be at peace with no pain and is sleeping most of the time. What a wonderful and caring daughter you are. I will continue to pray for your dear mom and the rest of you. Hugs to your mom, dad and you.

Update: Thank you all for your prayers and your thoughtful and helpful words! Reading some of your comments has me in tears and I mean that in a positive way.
You know how much I was praying mom would make it through Christmas, but on Tuesday, mom's Hospice nurse told us she was in the dying process now. She said it will be a matter of days. Mom is sleeping most of the time with little or no pain meds. When she does need them, dad is now quick to give them to her. When she is awake, which isn't often these last couple days, she is more in a daze but she will eat a little and drink a little if offered. She doesn't want much though. Her heart rate is getting higher daily and we know that's because her heart is having to work harder because of her body shutting down. She is extremely weak and frail and we know the time is nearing. Her blood pressure is still good as of yesterday and she hasn't developed any blotches on her legs or feet. Her breathing is heavier but no rattle sound as of yet. The nurse told us that not all patients will have these things. Dad's emotions have been all over the place with outburst of cries at any given time. I have been spending the night with him because we don't want him to be alone (and he doesn't want to be there alone when she passes) so when he cries, I cry right along with him. I told him to go ahead and cry all he wants, it's good for him right now.
Dad and I have been talking about Heaven, the streets of gold, the beautiful mansions and mom getting to meet Jesus soon. How happy she will be when she gets her new body with no pain and sickness. These talks seem to help him at the time and they also help me. I heard him tell her this morning to "wait for me in Heaven when you get there". This is such a change for him since last week and now he knows he can't save her anymore and it's in God's hands.
This is such a roller coaster ride that I would never wish on anyone. However, I am so thankful God has given us this extra time with our mom to love on her and tell her how beautiful she is and how much we love her. That my friends, has been priceless these last 4 months for me and my family.
Thank you all again for your concern and prayers! We still need your prayers if you would through these next several days.

Blessings to you all,
Vicky

Hi, Vicky,

Not sure where things are at, but hoping things are going as well as they can.

My mom died in February. When things started going downhill in mid-January I started seeking advice on how things would go "in the end." I was told about the death rattle, that her limbs would start turning blue, etc. Earlier I had been told that her transition would reflect how she was in life (very fearful of God and death).

At the end none of those things happened. Bottom line: try not to worry too much about the details, if you can, and just try and roll with it.

Back to my mom: She went to heaven very peacefully...not at all what I would have expected. I now know what it means to have the honor to be with someone when they die. I felt like I was watching her meet God. No words to describe. Anyway it was an honor for me to be there; I hope you and your dad can experience your mom's transition the same way.

praying that things go well around the holiday. Its always hard, but especially more around a holiday.  Your dad is afraid of being alone after all these years they spent together.  Let him know that you are afraid also of losing your mom.  maybe he thinks the rest of you don't care, but let him know that you do.  Do you have a photo album that you and him can look thru and talk about different things of when you were growing up or how they met, etc.  I think he just needs to feel comforted.  praying and wishing you peace at this time.

VickyC: In heavy prayer for you right now.

The hardest is the end of a life spent together. Be prepared that they may pass withing a few weeks or months. Try to get dad to speak of wonderful times when they were "courting". Write them down so that when his time comes you can say remember this or picture yourself with mom when you were (submit one adventure). Read these to your mom even if you don't think she can hear. You'd be shocked to learn how very much is heard but not responded to. Have each of your relatives to try to remember stories about when they knew that your mom and dad were meant to be together. These are wonderful ways to celebrate lives well lived. Always hold onto hope and prayers for letting go gently into the end.

I am in the same exact boat. Dad has refused to give Mom her medicine because he thinks everyone wants to "drug her up", when in fact, the drugs are what keep her calm. He treats me with contempt and gives me a look of disgust when I get near my mom to help the caretaker with her daily routine. I have learned to ignore the "you just want to throw her away" and the "go home" comments from my dad because I am there to help, which he cannot do since he's in a wheelchair. It's sad to say, but I have lost all compassion for my father because of the way he treats me. My mother, who is under hospice care at home, doesn't have long to live (maybe a couple of weeks) and I want to make sure she is made comfortable, but Dad refuses to accept anything that is happening. We have a 24/7 caregiver, a hospice nurse who visits twice a week, and a social worker who visits once every two weeks. I realize that Dad is angry, upset, sad, and depressed at the prospect of losing his life-long love, but I'm sorry to say that the nastiness and the rudeness towards me have taken its toll.

Jacobsonbob, you made me laugh so hard with your comment, but when I scrolled down I saw what I actually wrote and stopped laughing. I thought perhaps I said "deerdad" as can happen. Instead I said "dead". Lordy. I blame it on my keyboard. Thank goodness you made it a bit more "light" than it might have come across. Indeed I mean DEAR.

Praying for your Mom and all of her family .

Hi Vicky,
This is such a tough situation and it is heartbreaking! We cannot unfortunately not force anyone to accept anything and this is one of those times where it is especially true. All you can do is be there for your father and be truthful and what I mean by that is, of course we won’t know the exact time death will come but the professionals know the impending signs and symptoms by usually days and hours.
The best thing you can do at this time is let your father grieve the way he needs to, the truth will come soon enough.
You will grieving for your mother and your father will be grieving his spouse, which he now need to go on without her. Love, kindness & understanding; being easy on each other and your selves. A life ending is one of the most stressful, if not the most stressful events in life. One day the pain of your mother dying will diminish and then her life can be talked about with smiles and laughter instead of that terrible ache that your heart will feel for sometime.
There are some excellent books, grief therapy groups(even if virtual for some time) that can help your father and you help with grieving your mother’s death.
Please take care of yourself❤️

Mj

Praters. I know what you're going thru, my sister spent her last 3 months of life at my home with me as her sole caregiver.

The last act is not being hungry and eating very little and or refusing to eat and drink.
Then there is what is called a death Rattle which is a type of noise made when they breathe and you know the end is very near.
All one can do is just make your loved one as comfortable as possible and for my sister, it was giving her my bed to sleep in instead of a hard hospital bed we purchased. My sis being in my home,, in her own words made her feel loved and safe and happy.

Make your mom feel loved and safe and the natural course of dying is inevitable.

No need to talk to your Dad about death, he knows what's coming and I felt the same way, always prayed for a Miracle Healing and held hope and didn't want any negative talk only wanted anyone visiting my sis to say positive things no matter what they were actually thinking.

One more thing, my Dad ended up preferring his recliner to sleep in instead of his bed for the last year and he never had a bed sore. I had tge Caregivers apply a thick butt paste or cream every day and he sat on a thick Gel Cushion.

He actually only gets uo out of the recliner to eat or go to the bathroom.
Tge rest of the time he is in his recliner and unless he's having a snack, the chair is always reclined all the way back, to keeo his feet elevated so they won't swell.

Love and Prayers

I’m so sorry that you are going through this. Prayers for your family.

"jacobsonbob,

I know I remember reading that too! - I think it's our own (whoever writes the message) "jaw that ends up dropping" ( I picked it up off the floor) if/when we realize it - I still felt bad though :(

AlvaDeer, I believe you meant DEAR Dad! However, as Vicky said to NobodyGetsIt, I'm sure she and all of us know what you meant--these keyboards sometimes have a mind of their own!

We all hope the best for Vicky and her family right now.

I will pray for your family now.

Vicky, I’m praying for your family during such a difficult and heartbreaking time. I wish you strength and peace.

Haha, no problem, I knew exactly what you meant! :)

Dear Vicky,

You're welcome. I remember responding to one of your questions back at the beginning of September where I began to learn about you, your mom and family and I always wanted to know how things were going from that point on so although I'm not on the forum too much anymore, I wanted to stay as long as it took and see it through!

P.S. Even though I read through my response to you on the 10th a couple of times before clicking "Post Comment," I noticed just yesterday that I made a big blunder - "You're right after 67 years of marriage I'm sure he simply cannot fathom his life WITH her" which was obviously supposed to say WITHOUT her - Geez! My apologies!

Thank you NobodyGetsit for your continued prayers!

Praying for comfort for you all, Vicky.
Colleen

Dear Vicky,

I don't view it as selfish to want to know and wonder when it will happen especially since you've gone through this so many times over the months. It's very hard on a person/family as you can attest to - one day "it's the end to it's not the end but, a rally" so many times. Then you have the "down" feeling thinking it's over only to end up with an "elated" feeling knowing she's rallying. A person can only handle that so many times. So I hope you won't be too hard on yourself and just realize it's normal and human.

I know it's easy to hope she will surprise you all again but, as I was praying last night, I just felt a deep sorrow in my heart and I think you know it in your heart as you've already alluded to - I think it would be a lot to overcome with the physical shutdown that is occurring. As soon as I got up this morning, I went to the computer to check for an update and there was a sigh of relief but, I still had the nagging feeling.

So for now, peace for your mom and all of you -

Vicky, very sad. Sorry about your mother. I am glad you had some quality time with your dear mom for 4 months. Praying for your dad and family to find some peace and strength during this most difficult time. Hugs.

NobodyGetsit,

Thank you for your kind words as always. I guess the hardest part for me right now, besides worrying about dad, is we just don't know when. I know that sounds selfish to want to know that, but I can't help to wonder how long this time. Not knowing is so hard for me but with mom's history, she could surprise us all again but I sadly don't think so this time. I pray she goes peacefully also, that's my greatest wish for her right now.

Dear Vicky,

Thank you for your update today. I hope in a way that having hospice walk you through the end of life process is somewhat helpful to all of you so that it won't be a complete shock - I know with my dad being the first loved one/parent I lost, it helped me in preparing. I do realize that no matter how much we try to prepare, it's still hard but, in my case I felt like it softened the blow a little and made me face/deal with it when he did pass away.

Like you said, "day by day" is all you have - I pray she goes peacefully and without suffering too much pain. Your dad weighs heavily on my heart as I'm sure he does on you and your brothers.

(((hugs)))

Thank you everyone for your kind words and prayers. I appreciate them so much!
I spoke with the Hospice nurse today and she said mom is much worse than she was 4 months ago when we thought we were losing her then. We are just taking it day by day now. Also, we talked about dad and she said he most likely won't accept it until it does happen. Blessings to you all!

Vicky