My mother who is 88 requires all my time, my wife is fed up and ready to leave, I live in the same town as my divorced selfish mother who calls me 5 to 6 times a day to complain make me feel guilty about her bad decisions (example) 2 years ago she had a heart attack instead of calling 911 she calls me and makes me fly across town hour drive on a good day and take her to hospital. By the time I get there she had another, she got a double bypass and complained so much and lied to hospital that I would be with her so they let her out early. This was Xmas week. I spent my time trapped and alone taking care of her while my family with children spends Xmas without me all because she wanted her way!!
She kicked me out when I was 18. My dad left weeks before she kicked me out he warned me but I didn’t believe she would do it but she did. I’m not close to her by any means, have only been around out of respect, but now she has consumed my life my marriage time etc it never ends,
Mage only cares about her needs, never asks me about mine, complaining and guilt trips with crocodile tears. I’ve already told my older sister where she can go because she enables my mother’s behavior. I am disowning them both, just don’t like the weight of guilt on my shoulders.
Block her phone number or learn to answer just when you want to and are able to. Once a week? Once a day? Your rules. Your BOUNDARIES! There is a book that is often recommended on this site that you should give a read. BOUNDARIES
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B06XFKNB2Y/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
My mother has been verbally abusive over the years to me, and it took several years of therapy through it when one therapist called it that. I always thought she was just “yelling.” She was always “so mad.” Well she took it out on the person who never deserved it and still doesn’t.
It’s not guilt you feel, really it’s sadness. Like so many others have said you need to have a reason-something you did-to feel guilty. Start giving her the gift of your absence. There’s an old saying, “You teach people how to treat you.” The same goes for our elders when they start acting up.
Get home health care and enjoy some peace in your life, for once, and if you need therapy by all means do it. You would be surprised how liberating the words, “Some other time, Mom,” or, “I’m not able to today, Mom,” can be. And it’s not as scary as it sounds.
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Your mother obviously cannot live alone. She needs either a live in Aide, or Assisted living. She should be assessed by a Nurse to see what level of care she needs. Perhaps she needs memory care or even a nursing home.
I’m guessing that your mother wasn’t kind to your wife either? Tell wife you owe her ...vacation, jewelry or flowers 💐? Your primary responsibility is to your wife & children.
One thing for sure..this situation needs attention & your mother can’t live by herself. Probably holding a grudge won’t be good for your health.
You &/or sister can interview a few caregivers or let agency send someone.
You should also see Elder law Atty for poa & health proxy.
If you really want nothing to do with her & want to keep your grudge ( she probably forgot she threw you out) ...then have her be a Ward of the State & she be their responsibility.
Good luck & hugs 🤗
If you say NO to your wife and kids one time too many, you will risk losing them.
Which choice will you make, friend?
DH has not been the object of his mother's wrath, but last year I walked out on her and refuse to have ANYTHING to do with her, she's so toxic. DH thought I was overreacting...and now he sees, if anything, I was putting up with a LOT of stuff for many years to maintain peace and make it so HE could have a relationship with her. Now I am not there to bash---he gets it, full force.
He's working through this. 46 years is a long time to hold a grudge that someone kept you up past your bedtime, as DH and I did while we were engaged and trying to work and go to school--we stayed up studying at her house and she couldn't BEAR it.
Why even TRY to have a relationship with someone who wished they could have figured out how to have an abortion in 1951??? Who looks at you with utter hatred? I mean, true, scary, crazy hatred.
DH really, really, really needs to get some professional help with this.
He's suffering from such guilt and he doesn't need to. Guilt is for someone who did something wrong. All he did was live.
The really hard part of this is that he turns that hatred from his mother inward and gets so awfully depressed. Then he climbs in bed and sleeps for days on end. We're on day 3 of a sleepathon...after seeing her on Christmas Eve for less than 5 minutes. He just sleeps for days after being with her. If she knew how much pain he was in, she'd be so happy.
It's OK to cut ties with toxic people. It's actually important. Good Luck.
Anyway, it's time to disengage from being your mother's caregiver & whipping post. Offer to help her find a nice Assisted Living place she can move into and if she says no, wish her well. She may 'want' things to be a certain way, but don't confuse 'wants' with 'needs' which are two distinctly different things.
I want to win the lottery. I need air to breathe. See what I mean?
And just in case she calls and asks you to drive across town again to take her to the hospital, call 911 and give them her address.
I NEVER take my soon to be 94 y/o mother to the hospital. I always have the ALF call an ambulance, and if it's not a real emergency, I have them say it's 'non emergent'.
Best of luck!