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BonnieEm Posted January 2021

Taking care of my mother nearly killed me and I won't do it again

I am a divorced woman in my late fifties. When I was 32, my mother had breast cancer and became very sick. My sister and two brothers pressured me, as the only single sibling and the only one with no children, to move her into my house. They promised they would help take care of her, including financially.


I was reluctant because I do not have a close relationship with my family; my three siblings are all a decade or more older and they were raised under very different circumstances when my parents were married and stable and living a nice middle-class life. I was adopted late, as a "solution" to their failing marriage, and by the time I was 12 I was the only child still living at home. Both my parents had become alcoholics and were physically/emotionally abusive and neglectful toward me. My siblings had started their own adult lives and wanted nothing to do with me; they have always been a tight group of three, with me the outsider who wasn't their "real sister."


After being dragged around with Mom from living with boyfriend to boyfriend for a few years, I quit school at 16, got my own place, and got a full-time job to support myself. I have been on my own ever since. My family offered no help to me at any point. I moved away to another state when I was 18, then came back at 30 when I got new job and got back into contact with my family, trying to rebuild bridges. Then Mom became sick and I was talked into becoming her caregiver.


As often happens judging by what I read here, for the first couple of years they kept their promise. But over the years my brothers stopped doing anything at all, and my sister was still helping but would constantly nag and berate me for "not doing enough for mom." For more than twenty years, my job (in addition to a demanding, stressful full-time job with a lot of expected overtime) was to take care of Mom and nothing else. There was no time for friends, for the hobbies I used to love, for trips or recreation, just an endless grind of work, demands, and exhaustion.


Five years ago I became extremely depressed and attempted to kill myself. I spent a month in the hospital recovering, then another month in a mental hospital. The whole time I was there, no one in my family visited or called, no one sent flowers or a card. When I got out, there was no hug, no kind word, no "we're glad you're still here" from any of them. My mom wouldn't stop talking about how much I hurt her feelings by trying to kill myself, and my siblings told me I was selfish, "just pretending" and an embarrassment to them. I was still healing physically from the attempt, which has left me with permanent brain damage. Mentally and physically I was completely broken. I couldn't do it any more.


After talking with my therapist, I moved Mom to a senior living apartment. When my family raged at me for "abandoning" her I completely lost it. We had a terrible screaming fight. I cut communication with all of them, including mom. I told her I would always support her financially but I didn't want to see any of them ever again. That was five years ago, and they have been five of the most peaceful, refreshing, healthy years of my recent life.


I need this separation from my mother and my family. I don't intend to give it up. If that makes me heartless and selfish or a monster or whatever, so be it. My family says I'm a horrible person, but how much do we owe our aging parents? Everything? Our own lives, health, and well-being? When do we get to say "Enough," if ever? Society says there is nothing worse than not taking care of your elderly parents, that you are a monster if you don't. I'll always contribute money to Mom's care, even though I'm taking it away from my own retirement, but I feel like in every other way I've given her enough. I have already supported and cared for her far longer (and better) than she did for me as a child. When do I get to call that debt between us even? Never?


Sorry for venting.

gdaughter Jan 2021
My heart is weeping for you as I read this. My circumstances are far different, but my Type A personality desire to do the best I can all the time for my parents who have supported me on the basis of physical well being, (i.e. food, clothing, shelter) much of my life, but virtually no psychological or emotional support, has now taken a toll. I chose to remain in the same town and we all live together; my pup is truly, imo, my next of kin and the source of support. But they have gotten very elder and I was doing my best, working part-time while tending to their various needs of escoring, advocating, arranging appts, cooking, cleaning, laundry (often in the wee hours or weekends)...and I thought I could handle it. But then I began to feel tired, and worn out and since they were generating much of the messes, I decided to start looking for some outside help to at least do the cleaning of their spaces. Then COVID entered the picture and I decided rather than spend the money and have the risk to all of us entering the home, I'd just keep it up, but in a more structured way, spacing it out so I knew when I had time for me. And then....the end of September, the proverbial you know what hit the fan....I was rushed to the hospital with a condition that required emergency surgery and left hoping I still had my job so I could last until retirement. AND my only sibling who is out of state and of zero help, slapped me in the face with how I should have known I had the health issue and making a comment of "I hope you survive" (the condition is often fatal in the emergency status). I have never felt so hurt, alone and abandoned. My circumstances are beneficial for all of us so I stay put and we are managing somehow...but I am still mentally and emotionally exhausted as I recuperate and i am NOT cooking or cleaning for them. Well, okay, I did succumb the other night and scrubbed the kitchen sink drain and disposal rubber gasket because of course my father couldn't see the source of the odor he constantly detected....I think YOU answered your own question. You need not apologize for venting here...you're among friends. You were left after a rough childhood, somehow with the capacity to make a comfortable life for yourself, and I say carry on. Dump it in your siblings lap. If you can't stop caring, contact your local area agency on aging, mom's city hall etc and find out the resources available. Give them all the list. Then be done. You have paid your debt and then some. I wish you peace and a vacation! That is well-deserved! Try room service and let yourself be taken care of for once!
sending you a big hug.

bundleofjoy Jan 2021
dear bonnie,

sending huge hugs!! i’m so glad you’re alive!!

i think it’s terrible, that your family didn’t send flowers, a card, positive words, hugs, something big to lift you up again, emotionally.

life is beautiful.

there is this quote, more or less like this:

before you diagnose yourself as depressed, make sure you’re not surrounded by *ssholes.

indeed, who we’re surrounded by, affects us a lot!!

2 important questions one can ask someone (when they’re sad/depressed...)
—tell me what you eat
—tell me who your friends are

i’m sending big hugs to you!!

sounds like your siblings tried to shove all the work to you.

hug!!!
we must be careful of being taken advantage of, exploited, etc...

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Mysteryshopper Jan 2021
I was a caregiver in a highly dysfunctional caregiving situation. One that I really should never have been involved in or stayed in. I eventually put the lady in a facility and I'm now only involved behind the scenes. She always felt I did "nothing" for her, so it feels good to be doing MUCH less than before and have it still considered the same level of "nothing!" My caregiving failure shattered a family and I have been accused of everything under the sun: selfishness, greed (interesting as the lady has no money/assets to speak of), tunnel-vision (meaning that I would not do others' bidding regarding the lady's care), lack of compassion, lack of comprehension, and disorganization (????). Many, many other things were said and much of it can't be taken back unless there is a true change of heart - which would be hard to discern. When it was obvious that I was actively seeking placement for the lady, an onlooker actually told me that I should have made it more clear that I needed help! Really? The person who said that was an onlooker with a front row seat! Plus, I sent written updates (when time allowed). Everyone knew, but they were takers through and through and were willing to gamble that I'd keep going somehow. Human beings will eventually have the well run dry. We are not machines. I felt like I was set up to fail and then was criticized and ostracized for failing. The job was just too big. I am so sorry all of this has happened to you.

rovana Jan 2021
You have done much more than any reasonable expectation. Quite sensible to get mom into a senior apartment. I'm suspecting that your "sibs" think you are any easy target for their bullying and if they can get you to do things, then they can just go scot free. I would have very limited contact with mom and none at all with their "sibs". Take care of yourself - you more than deserve it.

Countrymouse Jan 2021
Sorry, I've obviously missed something: why do you feel obliged to pay for your mother's care?

earlybird Jan 2021
Beautiful, NeedHelp.

NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2021
Bonnie,

Thank you for your sweet words. I wish I had been your mom too.

We were asked at the agency if we would accept twins.

We automatically said YES! I wish you would have been my daughter’s twin. I would have three beautiful daughters now!

We would have loved you with all our hearts.

Again, I am so sorry that you were abused.

There is no justification for any form of abuse.

earlybird Jan 2021
Hello Bonnie, I am so sorry you had to endure such abuse. I feel you are doing the right thing in distancing yourself. They do not deserve you. I give you a lot of credit for walking away. You are certainly not a selfish person. Please take care of yourself and come here to vent anytime. Hugs to you.

cxmoody Jan 2021
Bonnie,
Keep on keeping those boundaries.
Big hugs!
Colleen

Midkid58 Jan 2021
No judgment from this corner.

Just because people become parents doesn't mean they automatically are endowed with ANY qualities that make them capable of being good ones, or even 'good enough' ones.

Due to abuse as a child by an older brother, I am emotionally 'wrecked' to a degree that no amount of therapy can ever fix. Having a mother who denies, denies, denies...doesn't help. I barely see or speak to her any more. And all on my terms...no that she notices nor cares.

DH has a similar background, but his parents were the ones who abused him. Watching him try to 'care for' an angry, nasty woman who beat him on a daily basis, and who, as recently as 4 weeks ago, told him she wished she'd had an abortion rather than have him, he ruined her life so badly...and she's 90 and still dishing out the crap.

He SAYS it didn't bother him, but it did. So used to excusing any and all of her nastiness has exhausted him.

She told him to never return and that is what he plans to do. The 'guilt' is eating him alive, but he has NOTHING for which to feel guilty about.

You are NOT alone. And hopefully you can work through this pain and find peace.

BonnieEm Jan 2021
@NeedHelpWithMom, I wish you were my mother. God bless you for loving and caring for your daughters equally.

BonnieEm Jan 2021
Thank you so much everyone. Writing this post and reading your comments brought up some tremendously strong emotions I'm still dealing with. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kindness and your sympathy. I can't tell you how much it means to read these words from others who are or have been in the same situation.

This has all come to a head because two years after I initially cut communication with my family, my mom reached out to me and with advice from my therapist on setting boundaries, I resumed limited contact (one hour a week on Sundays visiting.) This was still hard for me because Mom is one of those people who will say in response to anything bad they ever did or said: "That never happened." The gaslighting, history-rewriting type. So every time I visited and she would talk about what a perfect mother she was and what a "bad kid" I had been, I would leave and sob all the way home in the car.

But last month, Mom was hospitalized again after a bad fall, and she started guilting me hard. If she was still living with me, she wouldn't have laid on the floor for three hours. If I was a good daughter, I would take care of her. If I was a better person, I would want her to be safe. Etc etc. Her last text to me was what drove me here. I had a therapist appointment today and I told him that I have decided that whatever kind of person it is that refuses to have contact with their elderly mother, I am that person and by God I am going to lean into it. If it makes me selfish, cruel, callous, whatever in other people's eyes, I don't care. I will not allow Mom to guilt me into that again. She would suck the life out of me if I let her.

MMasonSt Jan 2021
Bonnie, My heart breaks for you. You didn’t deserve this vicious treatment. These people deserve nothing from you: your time, your money or your concern.

Stay far, far away! Block them from texting, emailing or calling you.

I have a similar story, so please don’t think you are alone.

Sunnydayze Jan 2021
Bonnie, Your post is heart wrenching. You are in a safe space here. I agree with AlvaDeer, don't ever go back. Believe it or not...sharing your story will help so many people in many similar and different caregiving situations. Again, thank you.

AlvaDeer Jan 2021
Bonnie, thanks for posting your story, and no, don't go back. You have handled this like a champ. Don't ever go back.

Bigdummy Jan 2021
Oh Bonnie, you found the right place for support. You are amazing and a wonderful person. You are not selfish or a monster. I am sorry for what you have been through your whole life. It sounds like the same story I read over and over and experienced. Siblings, thru adoption or not, manipulating the caring, empathetic one to care for a parent. Can you stop contributing financially. What will happen if you do? If you spend all of your retirement money, where will you go? You do not owe anything more. Society does put guilt on us, but just ignore those ignorant people. Take care of yourself first, don’t allow anyone to bully you. Take the advice of the people here, we are now, or have been caregivers. You don’t see our family members writing in, the ones that don’t contribute. God bless

cxmoody Jan 2021
Welcome.
After 8 weeks of my mother living with us, I was incapacitated. I couldn’t get out of bed. I completely understand why you ended up in the despair that you did.

We moved my mother to a Senior apartment for awhile, then on to Memory Care.

You will learn A LOT here. Especially about keeping boundaries with family, and taking care of your own needs.
Colleen

NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2021
Lea,

As I told the OP it sickens me to hear these things.

I was never resentful of not being able to conceive. It’s heartbreaking but I was never ever resentful about it. I have two miracles. Our first daughter that we adopted and the daughter that I gave birth to. Our love for each of them is identical.

I would have never ever caused my daughter to feel the way that your mom made you feel.

I can’t imagine how any parents, adoptive or biological could hurt their children.

I have the unique position of adopting a child and giving birth.

I was raised with biological siblings and also with cousins. My parents weren’t perfect.

No parents are but we were always raised that my cousins were every bit a part of the family. So, I had a totally opposite experience than you and the OP.

It’s inexcusable to mistreat a child. I am so very sorry that your mom mistreated you.

sjplegacy Jan 2021
Your story is so heart breaking. I'm sorry it has been the story of your life so far, but Bonnie, your “debt” is paid in full. You no longer owe anything to your mother or to society (don't know if you ever did considering your family background). There is something worse than not taking care of your parents... not taking care of yourself. This dreadful situation has caused you to sacrifice your wants in life and almost your life itself. It's time to start caring for Bonnie.

I would notify your siblings and tell them in no uncertain terms that you've done your share, you are no longer going to financially support her and it's time for them to put up... you're done. If you aren't comfortable calling them, send them a registered letter so they can't say they didn't know. I would give them an ultimatum, a “drop dead” date after which you are no longer involved with your mom's care. Do they ever visit her? If not, I would even state that you can visit your mother at (give the address of the facility she's at).

Once that's done, you've got to be tough because you know you're going to get a lot of flak for them. Stick to your guns. Do not let them put the guilt trip on you.

And please don't sacrifice your retirement money to pay for your mom's living expenses if the rest of the family contributes nothing. 

It's time to free yourself from this burden. I wish you luck.

funkygrandma59 Jan 2021
I'm sorry you've had such a hard time, but I'm glad to see that you're finally taking care of yourself, and doing what's best for you, first and foremost. I'm sure you're discovering that these changes should have been done years ago, but hey, better late than never, right? You, nor any of your siblings owe your mom anything. And that includes your money. You need to start putting that money into a retirement fund for yourself. If needed mom can apply for Medicaid. Please continue to take care of you. You've done more than enough already, and now it's your time to live and enjoy your life. God bless you.

lealonnie1 Jan 2021
I was adopted, as an only child, at 3 months old and always felt 'almost good enough' by my mother, who is very angry that she could never have 'children of her own'. Which was my father's fault, of course, since nothing has ever been, or will ever be, her own fault. I know what it feels like to be an 'outsider' in your own family, and it's a bad feeling.

As an only child, I've been responsible for my mother's care & management since 2011, when I had to move both of my folks near me after dad could no longer drive anymore. He passed in 2015 and my mother is still alive at nearly 94, but living in Memory Care Assisted Living b/c there is NO WAY she'd EVER live with me. Period. She's been able to finance her own care, but when her money runs out, I'll apply for Medicaid to fund her care in Skilled Nursing. I can't afford MY life in retirement AND her life as a very old woman with a lot of care needs and a horrible attitude to boot.

There is no 'debt' you have to repay to your mother. You've already done way, way WAY more than enough as it is. I'm so glad you wrote the whole 'family' off now and have some peace and happiness in your life as a result. I'm only sorry to hear that you are continuing to finance your mother's life and deplete your OWN retirement savings. You should rethink that decision asap.

Feel free to vent here any time you'd like, and don't apologize for doing so, either. You'll be in good company with many of us who are dealing with difficult family members in our lives. Welcome aboard, I'm glad you're here!

Bridger46146 Jan 2021
Keep your boundaries and take care of yourself. You’re doing the right thing for you.

NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2021
This posting breaks my heart more than you will ever know.

First of all, VENT all you like. This is a support group and you are welcome to vent.

No need to apologize for venting about past or current pain.

Secondly, I am sickened by how you have been treated.

I am married to the love of my life life for nearly 43 years. We struggled to have a baby for years.

I always wanted to adopt even before I knew that I couldn’t have a biological child.

My parents raised my cousins and my mom and dad said from day one of them moving in, “Nothing is yours and mine. Everything in this house is ours.” No differences were made to my cousins for not being my parent’s children. I am proud of my parents for that.

I also had an aunt and uncle raise their children and a younger child of friends whose parents were killed in an automobile accident.

My aunt and uncle told their children the same thing my parents told us and we looked at all of the kids as cousins.

It didn’t matter that he wasn’t a ‘blood’ relationship. He was a cousin just like all my other cousins.

We adopted a beautiful baby girl. Seven years later we conceived out of the blue! My daughters were extremely close growing up and are still close.

Our love is the same for each of our daughters. They are sisters and we never think of our older daughter as an outsider.

I can’t imagine how horrible that must have been for you.

My daughter once told me that every time she has to fill out family history at her doctor’s office she forgets that she was adopted! She is family. It doesn’t make any difference that she isn’t biologically related to us.

I don’t blame you for cutting ties with your family.

You are not responsible in any way, emotionally or financially to your mom.

I am sorry that their marriage was failing but that is a lousy reason to adopt a child!

You have suffered horrible trauma and I am so sorry that it led to a suicide attempt.

Your family may not have told you that they are glad that you are around and that is despicable!

I know that you don’t know me at all but for what it is worth I am telling you that I am glad that you are still around. I sincerely mean that.

You deserved so much more in life.

I am so very sorry for all of your pain, past and present.

Will keep you in my thoughts. Wishing you peace during these difficult and challenging times.

Take care.

Geaton777 Jan 2021
You do not need to apologize for *anything*. I'm so sorry your family experience was/is so miserable. We don't get to pick our family but we do get to put up boundaries, as you have wisely done.

You certainly are not the only one who has gone through the family wringer. You will find lots of support here. As far as caregiving goes, there is no "wrong answer", only what you willingly choose to do and endure. That being said I will place a vote for you to not keep supporting her financially. Especially once she qualifies for AL, LTC or MC -- she can apply for Medicaid. My MIL is in a very nice place (in a private room!) on Medicaid and is getting fantastic care. Who will be caring for you in your elder years? This is why you DO need to save for your own future. I think others will be backing me up on this opinion.

May you heal completely and be filled with peace!

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