My participation in this forum has changed my perception of those of you who just cannot visit your parent in MC, or are resentful of caring for your parent at home because of your family history. Because my situation was different (my wife, not a parent), I didn't comment much on parent child relationships. Now, after reading many posts in this forum over the last 9 months concerning parent child relationships, I decided I would.
My wife was in MC for 15 months and it certainly wasn't all smooth sailing. I visited her no less than every other day because I had to. We were married for 52 years and I am who I am because of her. Every visit brought me anxiety and uncertainty. I never knew what I was in for. Some days she was pleasant, some days angry, some days in tears. So despite my commitment to going and my love for her, it wasn't easy. When I visited, though, I noticed hardly any other MC resident would have a visitor, certainly not regularly. I thought, “how can this be?”, how can families neglect their LOs at this time? Now, having read many relationship posts in this forum, I begin to understand the reasons for not wanting to visit. Hearing stories of poor or bad family relationships, abusive, alcoholic or absent parents, has made me realize not all families are alike in their care for one another. So I get it now and I totally support those who just cannot visit their parents because “parents” they never were. So whatever you find your current relationship to be and however you work out your visits, or even if you don't visit, I support you.
Every person in a NH or some kind of facility has a backstory. We all want to think the best of everyone we meet and often, when we meet someone who has been 'dumped' we immediately feel anger at their families. Esp if they seem to never be present.
Well--being in the position that my MIL, next time she falls, will be placed against her will in a NH---and knowing ahead of time she is going to raise holy heck over it--and knowing people will judge my DH and his sis very, very harshly...well, she made this bed by being such a pill and while I don't think anyone deserves to be miserable--she's going to be. She's miserable AT HOME, where she is slowly killing her daughter--a NH will save my sweet SIL from more anxiety and grief.
We have a memory care facility in our neighborhood and we see the patients run the gamut from sweet to absolutely awful. Our neighborhood has 'adopted' the ones who don't have family that visits and it usually takes one or two visits to figure out exactly why they are there alone.
Cautionary tales, I guess.
Life isn’t always simple. It is often complicated and some people talk about it, others are private.
There is no right or wrong in many matters. Nothing is one size fits all.
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My mother DOES NOT want to see me. Visits end with me being in tears.
At this point, I am in email and text contact with her caregivers. I make sure that she is well cared for, and is stocked up on all of the items that need to be bought for her to live comfortably there.
I appreciate your post, Sjp.
Hearing all these stories gives us a better perspective as we get a peek into the personal lives of the poster.
What strikes me most is that we're all trying. We're doing our best to care for and help our loved ones to the best of our limited abilities.
Some of us go above and beyond, while others do a bit less. Those who do less may wind up worrying 100x more than those going above and beyond physically.
It all boils down to this: we're here on this forum asking for and getting help with difficult situations we find ourselves in. If we didn't care, we wouldn't even be here to begin with.
God bless all of us and give us the strength & fortitude to do this for another day. And bless YOU for a wonderful post.