My mother passed away..I am so sad

My mom is still alive, and I already feel like that. I'm so sorry I didn't enjoyed when she was a little better than now and instead I used to lose my temper.

hope14,
please remember you did the best you knew to do, at the time. we are all just human and human make errors; thus God does forgive us when we ask. my mom passed at home 9/3/21 from unnecessary procedure after a stroke. i ask myself daily did i do enough, as well as the If's, Had I, Why's, these thoughts just torment us and what we need to do is think about the Good Times, The I Love you times, etc., i know its hard to do but when those thoughts come to mind stop and say: God has forgiven me and my Mom knows i loved her and today i start learning to love me. God bless you and i hope your feeling better.

MM,

I know a couple of people that went to see Theresa, the Long Island medium when she was here in New Orleans and they got readings from her. They said that she was spot on! One friend said that she gave information about their grandmother that she could never have known. They feel that she has a ‘true’ gift of communication with the dead. They were very comforted by her words.

I have a friend that lost her husband over ten years ago. She is absolutely miserable. I feel so badly for her. I wish that she could focus on the good memories. She is like the OP. She punishes herself for losing her patience with him.

Oh my gosh, everyone has lost patience with people at one time or another. People need to forgive themselves.

I agree with all the other posters, Hope. On a different note, I don't know if you believe in the afterlife but one thing that has given me much comfort are the TV shows like "Long Island Medium" or books like "The Light Between Us" by Laura Lynne Jackson. They feature certified mediums who can communicate with the deceased. There's a distinct trend in the messages from the loved one: to remember them in their good days and to forget them as they were in their bad days or the trauma of how they were during their passing. They want us to remember the happy times.

When you recall your behavior during those dark days, shove away those memories and bury them. DO NOT allow those memories to infest your mind any longer.

Immediately, bring forth the memories when you made your mother happy, you listened to her favorite stories, or shared a favorite conversation. Think of how you strived to care for her. Think of her in her healthy days and the fun, travels, and experiences you shared. In time, positive memories will remain in the forefront of your mind.

You matter, Hope. You deserve to treat yourself better. *hug*

Hope,

God forgives you because you are sincerely sorry. Your mom is at peace now and I am sure that she would want you to be at peace. Please forgive yourself.

God forgives you and loves you very much. If you are able and open to it please get some mental health counseling. Taking care of someone with dementia for 10 years is like being in battle. You sound very stressed out. You are not disgusting. Please keep us updated. This site is a great place for support and to ventilate.

I hope you’re doing well. I’ve been caring for my mon for six years. She has severe Alzheimer’s and is bedridden. Often I am on edge and lose my patience. We’re only human. I believe God has already forgiven us. We took the best care of them that we could. It’s difficult to be happy all the time when my mom is pooping all over the place and constantly being combative. I ask for forgiveness when I lose my temper and hope I will be forgiven. God knows how much daughters love their mothers!!
God bless you

If you took care of your mother for 10 years, I would guess that she was a good one and that you are too.
The dementia that you got angry with, was not your mother. Sit down, close your eyes and let your mother (the before dementia one) speak to you in your head. You know exactly what she would say, so calm your mind and listen. You do not deserve to feel this way and your mother's memory does not deserve this. Remember the countless good things you did for her, the happy memories and the laughs and focus on them. Write them down, read them, switch to them every time you feel the guilt. Dementia took your mum, she does not want it to ruin your life too, that would break her heart.

I understand how you feel. Every time I “have” to raise my voice to get a point across to my dad, my inner child cringes. No one who loves someone should ever have to shout at them but it happens. Frustration isn’t easily solved at all times by counting to ten. And like others have said, most of us here were never trained to be caregivers. Heck, parents aren’t really trained either and they know they don’t do well at all times. To err is human to forgive is Divine.
Each person has to find ways of forgiveness in themselves, whether praying on it or just seeking out therapy, both of which aren’t foolproof. If you have memories of more days with her than bad, that’s a blessing itself. I hope you are doing better now than before. What I tell myself for my future self is to try and have a laugh with my dad every day, whether from a mental mistake he makes or I do, or something funny on tv or whatever. Laughter has saved me a lot. And it’s irreplaceable in memories kept close.

First of all, God bless you for loving your mom enough to care for her. Do you know how many children don't even go see the mom even when they're well? So, stop punishing yourself. The healing with you will start when you forgive yourself. When you go to God and ask for forgiveness, leave it with him. Don't pick the pain back up and take it with you. It's hard to be a caregiver. I know becsuse I too struggle with my husband having Parkinson's. I've lost my temper with him too. It hurts once I've put the words out there. I ask God to forgive me and also my husband. Please don't beat yourself up. You're human. Like others have told you, focus on your good memories. Love on yourself. Continue to talk to God and a friend or someone. I don't even know you, but if I could I would give you a hug. Many smiles on you!

You can't and won't begin the healing process until you choose to focus on all the good memories you have of your time with your mom. The memories of when you laughed together, before the misery of dementia set in. When you enjoyed a meal together or a good movie. Instead of dwelling on the small percentage of times you lost your temper with her over a TEN YEAR PERIOD, allow youself the grace to be proud of all the selfless things you did for her during those 36,500 days. Know that it is WE who must forgive ourselves for perceived sins we commit, not God who loves us all unconditionally. Allow that forgiveness to settle in so you can begin to heal your heart and live the rest of your life in peace now. You did your best caring for your mom for so long, and it was good enough.

My condolences over the loss of your mom. Wishing you the best moving forward

Thank you you all for your warm words. To answer some I did saw a therapist for a while but it eased a little but after that my memory came back hard and crucial on me.
I only wished after mom passed away I did what my sisters did to not share of mom care . They said because I am single and they have families. Now They have peace with themselves.
Thank you all for warm , nice words. I will try do what you advised.

Sorry for your loss. I miss my mom too.
You regret how you acted sometimes. That's understandable. That's part of the healing process.
I hope, in time you can forgive yourself and move on.
Big hug.

If you have a photo album - get it out. Remember all of the wonderful things you did. You know, I really believe she realized deep down inside that she lost it sometimes as a parent.

It is a terrible disease that other generations did not have to deal with like we are now. Smile and sing a song you both loved. There's within your heart a bunch of wonderful memories. Giving of yourself for ten years - now that is a blessing. If she could talk to you right now she would tell you "thank you - I love you so much." I am sorry you lost your Mom and from experience I know it is very painful.

God Bless

Before you ask God to forgive you, you have to forgive yourself. Are you a professional dementia caregiver? Didn't think so. Can anyone compassionately respond to any and all behaviors a LO with dementia can exhibit? Don't think so. You're beating yourself up over things that happened during your caregiving years. It's history. You can't change behavior of the past. You can't look in the rear view mirror and expect to go forward with your life. Although you can still grieve her passing a year ago (that's normal and encouraged), there's no benefit in feeling guilty. The old woulda/coulda/shoulda syndrome only prevents you from fully enjoying life. You cared for your mom for 10 years. No one has the patience of Job for that long without having meltdowns. I only lasted 5 years, maybe 6, before having to place my wife in MC. One trigger point was when I angrily shouted that I was going to “explode”. To this day I regret going off the handle like I did, but I also take pride in the fact that I did care for her those years and her 15 months in MC. There are 3 Gs we as caregivers may experience... grief, guilt and gratitude. Self gratitude can erase your guilt by remembering all the good days you shared and being thankful for her life. If you speak to God, speak also to your mom if you need to. Is your mom interred near by? Go visit her and say you're sorry. So no more guilt. Just gratitude.

Have you ever BEEN yelled at by someone? And you realized they had a bad day or were under stress and forgave them - moved on? Your mom had dementia - while she might have been confused & upset - she likely forgot about it. You are human, had a human reaction, but it is forgivable & has been forgiven.

Focus on the care you gave your mom for 10 years and the times you made her happy - no doubt there were many more of those times. She loved and appreciated you.

My condolences about your mother.
How about if you try forgiving yourself for not being perfect. You're human just like everyone else and there's not a one of us in this world who hasn't had a moment of weakness, or flared up in anger, or who has lost patience in a situation or with a person who has totally exhausted us. That's what being a caregiver to an elderly person can do. More times than not the caregiver is pretty much owned by the situation because they have to meet every need and want of the person they're caring for. It never gets better and always grows increasingly more by the day. NEED! NEED! NEED! 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Like falling down the edge of a cliff where you never reach the bottom. It doesn't end until the care recipient either dies or goes into a nursing home. You are not the first caregiver to feel anger, rage, resentment, and even hate towards the person you're taking care of and you won't be the last. Especially when it's an elder and you've been caregiving's been going on for years at a time. You loved and cared about your mother. If you didn't then you would not have been the one trying your best for ten years to do right by her and personally taking care of her yourself. Don't worry about God forgiving you because He's already done that. Try some forgiveness for yourself. You deserve that, not guilt over not being perfect.

I am so sorry that you are still having these feelings of guilt regarding your care of your mom. All caregivers if they're honest, would admit that they on occasion lost their patience with they're loved one, and said and did things they regretted, myself included. We all do the best we can, and that's all we can do. We're all human, and you must remember that. We all have our breaking points too, so please let go of the feelings of guilt, as you've already asked God to forgive you. He forgave you the very first time you asked Him to, as He says that He removes our sins as far as the east is from the west. Your mother knew that you loved her, and that you did your very best for her. If you've not yet had some grief counseling, please do so now. God bless you.

I'm very sorry for your loss, and that you clearly are still struggling with it.

As far as your behavior to your mom...we are, none of us, perfect. Caregiving chews you up and spits you out and leaves you angry, sad, exhausted, bewildered; the list of emotions goes on and on, with very few of them "good" emotions.

God and your mom forgave you a long time ago. They both know that you did your best, and that is all anyone can ask of us or expect of us.

You need now to work on forgiving yourself. Stop dwelling on all the things you did "wrong" and start celebrating those things you did "right". I'm sure, over the 10 years of caregiving, you spend much of that time - if not most of that time - providing safe, loving and compassionate care for mom. Start remembering those times, especially when all your self-doubt and self-loathing invade your thoughts. If mom had hospice at the end, reach out to them for grief counseling - they are amazing and can help you navigate the grief and guilt you are needlessly drowning in.

I bid you peace as you go through the grief journey.