I don’t know if you folks have patience of iron and steel, but today my MIL wanted me to do her laundry. No problem, I said and meant it. Of course, she asks just as I’m about to pick up my son from the bus stop. Go back in the house, there she is again with the hamper. I tell her to put it down, I’ll do it when I get back from picking up my kindergartener (he goes to a different school, so doesn’t get bussing). She was kinda pissed that I wasn’t doing it right then, but the bus was late, and I knew I was also running late. Come back, and the boys of course have stories, things to show me, and a mess to clean up in their lunch bags. My MIL starts yelling at me that I never do anything for her (say what??) and that I’m taking forever!
Now, I just cannot CANNOT drop everything and do something just because somebody is impatient. It goes against every fiber of my being. I held my tongue, but I stood there cleaning every dish in my sink, the counters, the stove, even though they did not need to be cleaned just because I will not be bullied to be at her beck and call! She has A LOT of clothes. There is zero rush! She’s just used to being a bully and making a fuss and expecting everyone to cater to her every wish.
Not me…. I still haven’t touched that hamper…
So, that was me poking the bear. Anyone else poke the bear today?
I think it's a combo of incontinence (which both mom & MIL have) and not bathing frequently enough. Mother swears she showers 4 times a week, but I know for a fact she only does so about once a week or less. She is double incontinent and not able to clean herself properly. I'm not putting her down, I'm just stating a fact.
I don't know if you 'poked a bear' or just felt like being in control. Doesn't really matter, does it? I can feel for both of you, you feeling like a slave and her feeling very put upon.
And yeah, why CAN'T her son do her laundry? Shoot, 3/5 of my sons in law and my own son do the laundry all the time. It's not like women are hardwired to do this task.
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Boundaries - set boundaries. Because there is nothing else in their lives, their needs and wants become immediate needs and wants. Given the situation you shared, my personal reaction would be no reaction - say - 'I will get to it when I get to it' - and then from there on, no more further comments from me about the subject matter - no matter what. I would put up a white board in her room with the current day and what you will be doing that day for her - ie. Tuesday- laundry. Anything outside that boundary - well, it will just have to wait. If she has a hissy fit - treat it like you do a child. Reasoning and logic don't work. Unless, of course, she has been diagnosed with dementia, which is another whole different ball game.
With what you are saying about her, she will never change - her personality, characteristics, her demands/wants and will not compromise. That was my mother, and I knew I could never have her stay with me for longer than 4 days. It was that type of contentious relationship. And I didn't feel guilty about it because if she had lived under my roof, unfortunately, everything between us would have escalated (since it never was all that great to begin with) and her time with me would have caused her, and me, much more stress and unpleasantness.
You have a family of your own with your own responsibilities. That is where you need to place your focus and energies. Maybe hire someone to come in 2x week to handle just your MIL laundry, room cleaning, sheet changing, whatever.... separate the chores and have someone else take care of it..
How recently did she move in with you? What are her issues? How else does she bully you? How did it happen that she moved in with you? Did you agree to it? Are there other siblings? What is her financial situation? Does she contribute money to the running of the household?
Hasn't the covid situation improved enough that she COULD move into a facility? After all, your two young children could bring covid into the home, so it's not as if that makes your home covid-proof, right?
I stand my ground while she stands around with her purse over her shoulder waiting for me to take her somewhere I didn’t know we were going! Usually while I am eating breakfast and not yet dressed!
And low and behold she will now cooperate with me sometimes, so it can work!
MIL is not the queen of your castle. It was very gracious of you to be willing to do her laundry.
If she starts up complaining or running her mouth because you don't jump the moment she says to, shut that down quick.
Tell her quite plainly that if she cannot shut up then she can get the hell out of your house.
Then stick to it. You are right to not touch her laundry and don't do it. She needs to learn that you are not going to be pushed around in your own house.
I don’t have to take care of young children and still found it difficult to care for my mom and do all the required care and my own housework. She could be needy and demanding too.
Does your MIL have Medicade ? Medicade has a program called In Home Suppotive Services. They will pay for a person (and it can be a family member) to perform household duties. (You must apply, background check too)
Getting help at home may alleviate some of the stress.
Good luck.
If I could add clapping emoji's to this message, I would!!
Good for you for setting boundaries, they will be needed. Wishing you the best.
I understand frustration and irritations.
but, I don't understand how being petty can be an act of self-empowerment.
If she needs assistance with laundry, she must have some physical or mental limitations.
Remember the elderly have very little to do so their needs are at the top of their list and they expect yours are also. She needs to be gracious and respect your role as a mom first.
Maybe she needs more hobbies to keep her mind off of her laundry.
My mother is a bear. she is drama queen and over focused on her health which is good for an 85 year old ( able to walk, drives, make food) I poke her when i ignore the droning on of her health and how every doctor and nurse is so mean to her.
If you haven't done it yet, you need a good sit down with her if no Dementia is involved. You can never reason with Dementia. (If u have small children, how old is this woman?) You tell her she is not a priority, your children are. There are certain things for them that have to be done at certain times. If she needs something and they need something, their needs will be met first. That she is living in your home and you will not be bullied in your home. That she needs to have patience. That you are not there to be at her beck and call. Set boundries and stick to them. She is acting like a child so treat her as one. Also, don't disable her. She should be doing as much as she can for herself. If she has any assets use them to place her in a nice Assisted Living when things sort of get back to normal.
-the one holding the hot coal gets burned
-if a house is burning, try to save people, if you can’t, save yourself
Easy to say, I know. My FIL often makes indiscreet remarks…about all kinds of things. Some are annoying and some are rude and hurtful. I try to breathe and let go of the ‘hot coal’. It’s got to be difficult losing control. I also came to realize, with help from others, that some discussions are better left alone…throw logic out of the window.
Try not to let her get under your skin. It’s probably fear that drives her actions…or perhaps she a narcissist. I know there are lots of articles in this forum about dealing with that personality,
good luck!
As with children.. If they yell or demand. No. They may come back when they are ready & ask again - nicely.
No ask nicely = no get!
If MIL throws a 'tanty' & gets her way - expect that to become her mode of operendi.
I love your 'poking the bear' phrase 😆. Just add 'Growling Bear doesn't get her laundry done' to your phrasebook.
Send out the bear's laundry from now on.
She can place it in the bag to be left at the front door.
Both laundry and dry cleaning.
They will bill her.
Be happier!
This is just an idea.