It’s been a while when I was here last. Things have not changed or improved but gotten worst. I live with a narc mother. For a while things were quite and life was ok, even she said that you are my only hope and I know you are the one that is always there for me. Even as she was saying it I knew it was all BS nothing more. I feel like I am stuck in a nightmare that I can’t wake up. Those nightmares that you want to run but you are frozen in place and can’t move . You want to scream but no sound come out.
As we speak my suitcase is packed in the middle of the room. Actually that suitcase has been packed for months now, because I knew this day will come again. There are things I want to throw away I am not sure and confused. I have my important papers in one bag. I had my car checked this morning. Everything is ready to go but I am frozen. I don’t know why I am hesitant and scared?The thought of leaving this town and moving to a less expensive town or state or just getting an apartment here is tearing me apart. I know the right thing is to leave and never look back, but I am terrified. I am also done with the fact the she plays me like a yo yo. I beg of you if you are reading this please don’t scold me. I can not take it right now. Life is so strange and cruel sometimes. I have “friends “ but they don’t understand or really don’t care. I just wish I had just one person to be behind me emotionally. Few months ago I was seriously looking for apartments but she hoovers me back in by saying things like. You are still looking for an apartment? Why? What am I doing to you? You’re crazy to pay that much for rent. When I let my guard down, she starts all over again to push my buttons.
Realize you can't change her personality, but if living apart helps the two of you to get along knowing that there is a beginning and an end to the visits, it is doable. NEVER, ever let anyone make you feel guilty. That is selfishness on their part. There is selfishness, and NEED. Need is different. A person who is desperate and needs you will not abuse you with negative, hurtful words.
I’ve never liked “Discussion”, while “Question” threads have the easy reply. It makes no sense.
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You know now that she and family will say whatever needed to pull you back in. That's great, because it is easier to deal with the known.
I think that I would plan without her knowledge and let her know as you are walking out the door. That way you retain all the power to make your decisions unhindered by her gaslighting and game playing.
You got this!
I'd like to say a few words about your response to Hopehelp22's post.
You mention getting out for a few days and then your mother is sorry. As sorry as she can be while still denying any of it is her fault. Then things are okay or even good for a little while. This period of time is called the "honeymoon phase". Your mother (and mine) are the same as an abusive husband who beats up his wife. Even though these people don't physically abuse us, their behavior and mentality is the same. All abusers have the same behavior in common. The type of relationship doesn't matter.
Like the abusive husband, when you take off for a few days your mother begins to feel remorse. Not because she thinks she did anything wrong of course. No. She feels sorry that the situation happened, but you instigated it. You were pushing her buttons. She lost her temper because you wouldn't stop. It's all your fault. The same reasons an abusive husband uses to justify beating his wife. The same reasons parents use to justify abusing their kids too.
Then you apologize and return, so the status quo goes right back to exactly what it was. Until she wants to fight about something. Or until she has a day that's less than great for any reason and wants to bully and crush someone. Or if you have any will of your own that isn't her will.
And one day the wife accidently burns the meatloaf and gets a black eye for it.
If you have any friends or relatives who will let you stay with them, do it. Get out if you can.
If you can't then you need to learn how to big-time grey rock her. I mean grey mountain this woman like I do. I don't even speak to my mother. I have about as much communication with her as a jailer has with an inmate. I bring her food and walk away. That's it. I refuse to take her anywhere or to her collection of doctor's appointments. When she starts trying to get pity from me by saying she has no one else, I tell her welcome to the club. I have no one either, Then I walk away.
Get a job if you don't have one. This is what I did. The less time you spend in the home with her the better. Good luck.
You can take baby steps and this can be a trial period and nothing has to be permanent. You had asked in your 2nd message any ideas about where to live to start over and that's affordable down south...and my vote would be florida - areas like Boca Raton and surrounding areas - Del Rey, etc ....I know lots of friends, family, etc that have moved around those cities and they absolutely love it - most were single - doing this on their own...it's a great area to begin a new chapter - people are friendly, social, it's sunny, warm, affordable...there's different communities to live in - lots of activities - so many people relocate around there from a lot of different states up north and it's a really nice lifestyle.
Wherever you decide, I wish you lots of happiness to come - and have fun!
This won't get better. You know that. Mother has no control over you anymore. You can't be her scapegoat if you're not around to be one!
Thank you all for your support
you mentioned friends. I have a friend he has so many properties and apartment buildings. I really am not asking for a handout but if he wanted to help me he could rent me one of those apartments for a little less. People just don’t care. I think it has to do with the city that I live in. People from the Midwest are a lot nicer.
Thank you for the kind words. I get more support from people I don’t know than the ones around me.
"Everything you've ever wanted is on the other side of fear."
Fear can be a paralyzing thing and stop us from taking important steps in life that will help us with growth and opportunity. Staying where you are just makes the fear snowball and keeps you rooted in misery. Take baby steps to help get you out of this situation.
You can do it! Have faith in yourself! Be strong!
I too have "friends" and even family but in actuality no one really cares about me and I know it. If you are in a position where you can pick up your bags and leave, then by God you should.
Of course your mother knows when and how to push all your buttons also all of your triggers too. She knows them because she's the one who installed them. My guess is she's been gaslighting and abusing you both emotionally and psychologically from the time you were a kid. I say this because your situation is so much like mine.
Were you the family scapegoat who took the blame for everything and mom's emotional dumping ground? I think you probably were.
Your mother has always been a manipulative and selfish narcissist. Mine too. Only when they were younger they were better at hiding it from the people in their lives that they didn't abuse.
There's nothing worse than a manipulative narcissist who is also elderly and needy. She will ruin your life.
Get the hell out of there if you can and let nothing convince you to ever go back to living together.
Unfortunately there are no cheaper communities in Los Angeles and surrounding areas The cheapest place to live is Bakersfield and compared to other states even that is very high.
I think I need to take the plunge and just move. At this point all I want is my sanity or whatever it’s left from it. Peace and quiet where I can be myself.
You will feel so much better when you take it.
You don't deserve to be treated like her personal scratching post and I really want you to own that. You don't deserve to be treated poorly!!!!
I think our moms are twins. Mine does similar behaviors, I just stay far enough away that she doesn't get any satisfaction our of her sick games. Doesn't stop her from trying and it doesn't stop hurting, it's just easier when I can say I gotta go, bye and live my life without her setting me up and watching for any small opening to stab me in the heart.
You got this. You can move to a cheaper community and have a life that you love. Let her live with the consequences of her choices, you've paid enough of her dues.
Great big warm hug filled with strength for you to pick that suitcase up and walk away.
She is sick or plays sick when she wants and is more healthy than anybody else when she wants. She has fooled everyone around her. And I need to fight over my fears and take a step in the right direction. The fears and the thoughts are constantly with me.
It means a lot to me.. took me while to figure out how to reply to messages. It gives me some hope that humanity has not died yet.
susan xoxoxo
From your profile it would seem that mom can function on her own, is safe to be living on her own.
For your mental health find a place of your own. If she needs someone to help her looking into Assisted Living would be the best option for you. If she would be willing to make that move.