Just need to vent- A Day later

So sorry for what you and your mother is going through. Forgive yourself for the actions that you needed to take, you have done nothing wrong. You made promises and you and your mother had no idea how bad the situation could be.

Your mother needs full time care at this point which is much more than you can or ever could provide her. You will still be her primary caregiver but with a staff to deal with the day to day care. You will be her advocate to be sure she gets the care she needs. You will also be free to be her daughter again. You mother may not understand and be angry, unfortunately there is nothing you can do about her feelings; all you can do is try to be understanding of her physical and mental state and safe from her trying to do you harm.

I pray that you and your family are blessed with grace, peace and love during this most difficult time in your lives. Please remember to take some time to take care of yourself.

Please don't feel guilty. I made my mom the same promise years ago. (She worked for the state, inspecting NHs for Medicaid and made me promise.)
This past year, she had 3 falls that required her to spend time in nursing homes for PT. When she came home, we had to make alot of adjustments and she has often said to me, "If it becomes too much, please put me in nursing home and don't feel bad or guilty." Fortunately, my mom is still pretty lucid, so she was able to verbalize this to me.
If your mom was still lucid she would probably say the same thing seeing what you and your brother are going through. I'm sure she wouldn't hold any bad feelings and there is nothing to feel guilty about. You have done what you can and she needs to be someplace where they are better equipped to deal with it. Prayers to you.

Making promises to parents about 'never placing them in managed care' during good times is something none of us 'children' should ever do, really. Because when the disease gets unmanageable, and we're unqualified to care for them, then we have NO other choice BUT to place them where teams of people can provide them with the medical care they require. That's the truth.

Compare it to taking wedding vows where we promise to love honor & cherish until death us do part. Or until Junior starts going berserk, getting drunk and giving us a black eye every weekend. Then the marriage vows HAVE to be broken so we don't get murdered one night in a drunken rage. Yet we wouldn't feel 'guilty' about breaking our promise then, would we?

Stop holding yourself to a passing promise you made years ago before the ravages of old age & disease set in to change your mother into another person entirely. You can't manage her care at home anymore, and if you try, YOU may be the one who's hospitalized as a result. We often read about the elder outliving the child b/c of the stress we've taken on to try to care for them.

You're doing the right thing for your mother who's relying on you TO keep her safe and out of pain. It's the only thing you CAN do at this point. So good luck and Godspeed, and remove the word 'guilt' from your vocabulary and replace it with 'grief' because in reality, that's what you're feeling now. Sending you a big hug and a whole bunch of prayers for a smooth transition for mom and some blessed peace for you. You deserve it.

A Hospice In Patient Unit will get her pain and symptoms under control.
A Hospice Social Worker or the nurse that is coming should be able to "fast track" your mom in to a Skilled Nursing Facility. Either place getting pain, anxiety under control is important.
Hang in there. 🙏🙏

You are in a really tough place trying to keep a promise to your mom that you can not possibly keep. The nurse should be able to advise you and help you or turn it over the the social worker at the agency she works for. Aggressive and violent behavior is not something you should try to deal with at home ....

Please try not to feel guilty -- you've done nothing wrong. In fact, you've done yeoman's work and beyond. I think if your mom could have seen how she'd be (and your struggle & exhaustion & guilt) in her future she'd NEVER make you agree to that promise. May you receive great peace in your heart as you move forward with her new care arrangement.

Sending up prayers. Hoping mom gets in a safe facility, with comforting medications. Neither you or your brother needs so have these last moments be heartbreaking. You are not alone.

Sure- lots of prayers. It is a human tragedy that we have no cure for dementia and people end their lives like this. I’m sure you never wanted this and neither did your Mom. I certainly understand your exhaustion and wish to rid yourself of the source of all your pain. Scientists went all out to discover a vaccine for COVID-19 so where are they when it comes to something for dementia? This last drug approved by the FDA is considered dubious and before that it was 20 years since anything was available for patients and thereby their caregivers. I truly hope you find a placement for your Mom that gives you both peace.