I need to know what has happened to our society so that we are told to "do our own thing" and basically forget about our parents?

What exactly do you want from them? Time and friendship? Financial support? To live with them?

what have you done to nurture the relationships? I work full time, have a son, my husband travels. We are strapped for time. My stepmom know that my sister is easiest to reach by text, my brother by email. She calls me. If she doesn’t get us she leaves a loving message. We all love talking to her and spending time with her she makes us feel loved no matter how much or how little we communicate. She down sized and works part time and is cheerful.

my mom……no time is enough. When we are with her she rages that we don’t spend time. She blows through money won’t downsize and says she should get the money I pay for my sons school fees. She wants to live with us and screams at us all for refusing. All her life it was about her and her alone. She also has degrees and made more money 40 years ago than I do now.

guess who gets what time we have on offer? I do not know what you expect or what you were like as a parent. Maybe time to try to foster relationships with your kids that are not about what you want from them. Then look elsewhere for the financial help and support you need. It is amazing what my mom found for seniors after I stopped paying her rent.

I wish you the best

I've been reading a few things related to psychology and aging in my classes, and have come across some interesting studies. One of them was "Mothers’ Attributions for Estrangement from their Adult Children" (Schoppe-Sullivan, 2021). It highlights how differently moms vs adult kids view the relationship.

I don't think anyone on AC will be too surprised that this study found the reasons adult children gave for long-term distance/estrangement were personality problems in the mom -- such as lack of boundaries, personality disorders, too needy and clingy, and a history of abuse.

However, "Mothers tended to endorse external attributions for estrangement, including family members’ turning the child against them or children’s struggles with mental illness and/or addiction, and were less likely to endorse internal attributions for estrangement or to validate their children’s complaints about abuse or neglect." (This finding is also supported by other studies.)

Marimoms, I don't know your situation but perhaps you should look inside yourself, and then approach things with a different attitude. You're not entitled to be cared for by your children. If you can improve your relationships with them, they may want to be more involved with you and help you.

Did you give up you own family, job, hobbies to care for your elderly parents 24/7?

If not, why not?

Most probably because it was not possible - financially, physically or emotionally.

Even if you did - that does not entitle the exact same scenario to be replayed into the next gen.

I may sound harsh, but I am sorry for your situation.

Adjusting to age or illness is a task we all face (if we live long enough).

I would suggest some counselling to help adjust to this life phase.

Then be like the Little Red Hen - I will do it myself.

You really can't paint an entire generation of people with the same paintbrush.

People have been neglecting their elders since time began. They have also been giving up their lives for their elders, also. There is not ONE narrative that fits all.

Sounds like you need to TALK to your children and let them know how you feel. They may say "Sorry, but we don't want to be a big part of your life"--I have no idea and it sounds like you don't either. They MIGHT just look at you and think "Mom is SO TOUGH, she doesn't need us". Again--sounds like you don't know.

My kids think I am super tough. (I'm not). I have to ASK them for help, for support if I need it. My DH thinks I'm tough as nails, and if I cry, he falls apart b/c he can't deal with emotions.

Maybe you have been too tough and too strong for too long. Maybe what you put out there as just 'being yourself' comes across as 'I don't need anybody'.

I refuse to think that this generation is 'the worst'. MY generation was considered that--! My mom's generation was, too.

Have you reminded your kids, over and over that you basically gave up your life for them? Guess what! They KNOW. Esp if they have kids of their own. My DH almost never talks to his mother b/c all she ever talks about is how much she gave up to raise 3 kids. And how the kids ruined her life, esp DH. Since that is literally ALL she can talk about, DH chooses not to ruin his life by trying to talk sense into his mom.

I'm sorry you seem to feel so disheartened by your kids. It's sad--but maybe some open lines of communication would help.

JoAnn, in Tucson we worry about being cool and fed. I giggled when I read "warm and fed".

I literally turned my heat on for 3 days last year and my a/c ran for 9 months.

You are so right about real needs being met. It is more than many can hope for. Our community has so much assistance available that no person needs go hungry or homeless, unless by choice.

Bridger, I try. I have 2 parents that lived as they chose and decided I would be their emergency fund. I find it wrong to assume that I would give up my retirement for them, especially when they both had the financial wherewithal to be well off if they would have planned and refrained from expensive lifestyles and toys.

I, also, had a set of grandparents that were too busy living their lives to be bothered until I was an adult, living my life, working and then they wanted my time and a relationship. Yeah, sorry, I am way to busy and I don't even know you. Any effort when I was a child might have changed that in their hour of need. What I saw was it was still ALL about them and what suited them.

When children are seniors themselves and grandchildren are probably parents and maybe even grandparents themselves is the wrong time to become sentimental and want to share stories. This should be an ongoing lifestyle and relationship if a senior wants to be considered in their dotage. Can't start when it appears it is still ALL about you, IMHO.

I do not have children, so that idea of a child taking care of me is off the table.
I HAVE to make sure I have some form of financial security when I'm older.
I believe whether you have children or not you shouldn't put it on them. Most times when the parents are looking for care is when the child (adult) is entering their own stage in life where they want to just take a break and enjoy.

Seems to me you lived your life, give your children that chance too.
I cared for both my parents in my home for 1 year, it was not a walk in the park.

Get together with them and come up with a plan that does not mean they have to sacrifice themselves, and their families.

I'm sorry you feel alone, try to make amends with them. Try to come to terms with the fact that they are involved in their own lives/families, like you were.

ITRR, You said a good bit of what I was thinking-but in a much nicer way than I could.

I suppose I would be thinking that my mom needed to apply her geriatric care management skills to herself and figure out how to survive on her social security.

Maybe you need to downsize, maybe, you need to change your lifestyle, these are the things that GCM direct elders to do. They don't counsel putting pressure on your kids and grandkids to take responsibility for grandmas choices.

I bet you were so busy accomplishing 4 degrees, working, building a business and "taking care" of things that you shuffled your children to the side, so you could give them a good life. It happens every single day but, parents need to realize that they are often times neglecting their children's emotional and psychological well-being. That's what makes them think you didn't sacrifice anything for them. Parents get so caught up in providing a living they forget the lives.

I live in Tucson and I have to say that your business must be the best kept secret, I have never seen or heard about it and I did tons of research back in '17 when I ended up with my dad.

Time to start applying your professional skills to your own life and utilize those services available for seniors that failed to plan or just made really bad decisions.

BarbBrooklyn and Countrymouse,

Both of you make excellent and true points on this post. Barb, you hit the nail on the head about people expecting their adult kids to be their retirement plan. That's not right to expect such a thing.
Countrymouse, you are right about there never being a 'golden age' where the younger generation happily catered to and gave up their own lives in the care and service of elderly relatives. That never happened. In past generations most families lived on one income and women were at home. So it was feasible to have an elderly relative living with a family. It was also possible to care for them too. Elderly people weren't kept alive to reach an age where diseases like dementia could advance to the point where a professional staff of people are needed 24 hours a day. Families didn't have to provide care in their home for years at a time to an elder then lose every cent to a nursing home because they can't do anymore. The younger generation are not the selfish, spoiled, greedy brats so many elderly complain and moan that they are. In many ways they've got it a lot harder than their elderly parents and grandparents ever did. Yet, they will go out of their way to help someone like the young man you mentioned. You both made great points here. BC

I don’t think that as parents we can expect attendance to our needs by our children. My sons live down the street from us. Some weeks they wave as they go by. At times they call their dad but not me. Their wives may drop in at times. I don’t FaceTime or Zoom with anyone unless business related. I can’t imagine being upset by children not zooming with me.

My husband and I spent years with people living in our house. His grandparents, his parents, my parents and our two sons. We’re ready for our time. But now we have 3 grandchildren. My brother is ill. He’s moving closer to us. It’s always something. It’s just the way life is. You play the hand you’re dealt.

I don’t understand being a gerontologist with a million dollar business in the hospitality industry.

Mmm.

You're 82. So over the last, say, 10-15 years, how many times have your children raised the subject of making practical plans for your retirement only to have you refuse to discuss it with them? Their refusal to discuss the issue now suggests to me that you're asking them to agree that Fate has been cruel whereas it's taking all their strength not to say "we told you so."

There never was a golden age, and the other side of that coin is that things now are not more terrible than they ever were. Two days ago a 22 year old man went miles out of his way, used his initiative (and discreetly disobeyed orders) just to ensure that our client did not have to spend 13 hours alone in bed - she would have been safe but miserable. I'd already complained about her call times, but he actually did something about it. I work alongside roughly 20 youngsters like him and I am not going to listen to generalisations about the callousness or selfishness of young people today.

From your profile: "I am a Gerontologist and a firm believer in story telling. I like to see what others are doing.
I have a geriatric care management business, "Answers for the Elderly""

When you had your "million dollar business", were you not saving for retirement? Contributing to Social Security?

Children are not a retirement plan. If you PLANNED to rely on your children in retirement, that was a conversation and an agreement that you needed to have with them long ago.

Quite a few adult children are on drugs, removing themselves from qualifying for caregiving or even caring for their parents.

Many parents as they age are so snowed under with drugs that they are surprised when they emerge for a day of clarity, and there is no one there,
no one left.

Being on drugs, the parents, the adult children, the family--it is rarely talked about.

Drugs is what has happened to our society.

I think “verge of being elder abuse” is a little harsh.

Send - Good comment. Understand why this post seemed a little off.

You are a Gerontologist in the hospitality industry for over 40 years?
Working up until age 80?
Can you work from home as a gerontologist/consultant?

["About Me" marimoms8
I am a Gerontologist and a firm believer in story telling. I like to see what others are doing.
I have a geriatric care management business, "Answers for the Elderly". in Tucson, AZ."]

Hard to answer that question. For me, I never moved out if the town my parents lived in so I was always there. If my Mom had not suffered from Dementia, I probably would her still living with me. But she did and I could not deal with the sleepless nights and the unpredictability of the desease. I had done for her and Dad up to that point. She did better in the AL.

Maybe you did too much for them? I knew my parents lived from pay to pay. That they did without 4 their 4 kids. Did your kids work for anything or did you hand it to them. If they are well off, I see no reason they can't help. Do they not understand that the business was your retirement? Did you put them thru College, pay for weddings? You were not obligated to do that. After 18 they r on their own. You did do for them. If you hadn't, they would be in debt.

So sorry you are going thru this. You are just going to have to find resources and that starts with Social services and Office of aging. You may not live the lifestyle you are used to but you will be warm and fed.

Your ending query as to flowers disappearing reminds me of the passionate and sensitive years when folk music was so predominant, and addressed so many personal, interpersonal and life situations.  Sensitivity was high then.

So I ask myself, what are the differences between people then and people now?   I'm not sure though that I want to probate that query in depth.

Marimom, I'm sorry to read of this unfortunate relationship which seems to be driven by your children.  I wouldn't disagree with you, but I also think there are some people who for whatever reasons are more inclined to helping and being compassionate, and others who just are not.    Perhaps it's an innate trait, perhaps not.  Sometimes it takes a crisis for them to realize they need to interact positively with family.

I' m not convinced though that either the parent(s) or the children are direct causal factors in this change in relationship.  I think societal factors, as well as the decline in person to person contact, are driving forces.  And powerful sites such as Facebook contribute to this.  If you've watched any of the recent FB whistleblower hearings, you might be shocked to learn more about Zuckerberg's positions and style of "management."

There are also societal changes such as the shift from pre and post-WWII  women's roles and activities.

When people met in person instead of through e-mailing or texting, they were able to engage more, to watch other's responses and reactions.  And I think just being with real people instead of talking to a battery operated device changes the dynamics of the situation.

Some years ago even Internet interactions were more positive.  There was a time when "siggies" were popular.   Talented computer artists knew how to use and modify online drawings and characters, then voluntarily created designs for online friends.   It strengthened bonds.

Monitoring was also at a higher level; a site's monitor was online a lot and quickly addressed negative, hostile or vulgar comments.   While there's still monitoring on all sites I visit, I notice that some allow more tolerance and leeway than others, especially in terms of vulgar language.   I've seen that on news sites which allow comments, sites which I can't name anymore b/c I don't visit them.

There's also been an unsettling decline away from civility and respect, as well as a more spontaneous outburst or blame toward someone else (including authorities, medical pros, and more) when something doesn't happen the way it was expected to.

I think pandemic caused isolation has also created a decline in (a)  basic public interaction, and (b) accepting moderation as opposed to intensity in personal and public interaction. 

It shocks me when people blame someone else for negative events, and/or promptly sue.   Individual responsibility in some areas seems to have declined, and again, I think that noncontact interaction contributes to this.    The vocabulary of anger seems to be less sensitive, more aggressive, and more vulgar.  

Unfortunately, I see this even at the very public level of elected reps' interaction, and I use that term loosely and with reservation.

What will change this?  I don't know; I'm not a social scholar.  But I do think that more interpersonal actions, more of just getting together, and learning once again how to interact in person, would be extremely helpful.

And I think that sincere, frank assessment of where we are in our lives, where we thought be would be, and how we can change the negative aspects to get back to a more civil interaction, and importantly, respect for others, would be one of the ways to address the negative changes.

Your story is sad as are many stories of the elderly.
With all due respect, if all three of your adult kids are blowing you off then the problem very likely lies with you and not them.
You describe yourself as having no life until they were in college. Once again with all respect to you, could there have been some martyrdom in there on your part and your kids paid the price?
Be honest with yourself. Truly honest and if you really are, you'll realize and understand why all of your kids blow you off.

I'm sorry that you lost your husband so young and now your business due to the pandemic. And that your children have seemingly turned their backs on you in your elder years, that's too bad and very sad also.

I'm an only child too who's been helping my parents for the past 10+ years with their old-age issues. It's taken a huge toll on me, frankly, as it has on most of the people who post here on AgingCare. You are one of the few elders who post; most of us are the children OF the parents we are caring for, in one form or another.

It's odd that you thought the relationship with your daughters was pretty stable, but they are apparently thinking differently. The relationship I have with my one remaining parent, my mother, is strained (to say the least) but I help her b/c I'm all she has and because I do love her, even though she drives me crazy. Have you asked your children for help specifically? Or are you assuming they won't help you because they haven't Zoomed or Facetimed with you over the past few years? Now may be a good time to invite them over for a heart to heart talk about what's going on in their lives and what you can do to create a closer, more loving relationship? Not that you 'need' anything from them, per se, just that you'd like to enjoy their company. Perhaps you've been so busy trying to provide a good financial life for them growing up that they've missed YOU, as their mom, and that's what they're railing at? Just a thought as I have no idea what's going on, really.

Until you actually sit down and have an honest conversation with your daughters, you'll never really know WHAT'S going on inside their hearts, you know? It hurts when our children aren't as interactive with us as we'd like.........my son is quieter than I'd like him to be, honestly, but my daughter is more involved in my life (thankfully). I wind up calling HIM a lot more than he calls me. Do you pick up the phone to call your daughters to just shoot the breeze or do you wait for them to call you? Sometimes we mothers have to put out more than we get back. I don't think we can just 'expect' a certain amount of attention from our children in our old age because they have busy lives, so oftentimes we have to ask for what we want.

I hope you can figure something out with your girls and reach a satisfactory arrangement that works for all of you. I also hope you find peace and happiness because you deserve to. All the best.