How can Elder Abused be stopped?

"China does not allow abuse of Senior parents"

I do not believe any society allows abuse of seniors. China, however, is notorious for human rights abuse.

What does it say about the relationship you did or did not create with your children that you are "only contacted when they have something rude to say or when they need something. I live far away and I don't see them. It's sad to say, but I can be thankful for that."

We get what we give in life.

Love and respect is earned and as a result, is a two way street. Sorry, but getting old isn't an instant pass to get taken care of by the children who you are now thankful not to see and live far away from.

marryu: I'm sorry you've witnessed so much elder abuse and feel neglected by your family. Elder abuse is never acceptable.

You mentioned that "in this country, the #1 goal is to ship seniors out to care facilities." I'm not so sure that statement is accurate. If this forum is representative of most American families, I'm reading about children and grandchildren making heroic efforts to have elderly parents move in with them, move in with their parents, or honor their parents wishes to remain in their own homes. Problems arise, however, when childrens' jobs, time and resources are sacrificed or stretched to the limit, to the point that Mom and Dad living "independently" is a sham. Some children lose their future Social Security benefits by quitting jobs to care for parents, giving up their own lives and neglecting spouses and their own children to honor their parents' wishes to never be "put in one of those places." Independent, my foot! I've read many accounts of additions being made to childrens' houses to accommodate Mom and/or Dad (at their own expense). Seniors are now living well into their 90s, sometimes 100+, with their 60-70-80 year-old children with medical issues of their own. With advanced age, we're witnessing more seniors with emotional and personality disorders: narcissism, paranoia, dementia, manipulativeness or just plain selfishness. Childrens' vacations and personal time evaporate, tempers flare, and depression ensues for the caretaking children.

Some families manage to care for their senior parents and grandparents successfully with minimal stress to all. But many can't, and for those families, if it can be managed, how much better to place the seniors in care facilities where their day-to-day needs are met by staff who specialize in caretaking! Modern assisted living facilities can be and often are homey and beautiful. Then the children can become sons and daughters again, visiting, calling and loving their parents, rather than finding themselves overwhelmed by caretaking duties. Not everyone can manage physically demanding transfers or help with bathing. Not everyone is mentally equipped to deal with personal hygiene issues. Not everyone can deal with the trauma of trying to care for parents who abused them (and continue to abuse them) and/or mental illnesses. Two or three years of caretaking is a challenge. Twenty years (or longer! not unusual these days) is a dark tunnel with no end.

Elder abuse is not uncommon in Chinese populations. There is a law to aid and support parents over 60 yrs of age. But enforcement and punishments are not uniformly enforced.

Maybe you could move to China.

I agree that parents should be respected. And it's good to help sometimes.

Nowadays, people are living longer, some to 100.

It use to be, many years ago, that in your younger years, you raised your family, and also helped your parents until they were like 80 and passed.

Nowadays, both parents need to work. The wife is taking care of the kids while also working. Adding an elderly parent with care needs is very difficult. Someone trying to do this means no one gets adequate attention, and things fall apart.

Another thing is people look forward to retirement after working and raising children. Now they can enjoy their golden years. Then they hear they need to take care of their parents.
It's like working on a 100 story building for a long time and putting a lot of energy in. Then you finally complete the project and want to go on vacation. But boom, you need to work on another 100 story building.

"even when there are many in the family who could give a loving hand and heart."

This minimizes senior care. It also gaslights caregivers by saying that it's "just a matter of love."

There was this guy down the street, lived with his mom, maintained her property for 15 years. 24/7, a job literally worth $165,000 at open market. His sibs decided to put her in a home eventually, and evicted him. He had enough to buy a little trailer and went up into the woods. Then the wildfires came.

Now he's 60, homeless, and with no work history and no gf for close to two decades because what, "love" for mom? He didn't have kids but if he did, you think he would want the same from them?

No, love.

I

I’m sorry that you feel elders are treated so poorly. I do not find that to be true. My stepson treats both my husband and I with respect and both of us equally. My dad recently passed away in the NH. He went into the NH by choice. I visited him everyday. My mother is a NH in a different state. She is there by choice. My In-laws have 7 children who all visit and help along with spouses and grandchildren.

I think you may to look a little harder and not make broad statements. Many older citizens have good relations with their children and with their families. The world is not a bad place.

I am very sorry you are seeing so much abuse and that you are being abused. You mention your family lives far away so perhaps you might consider not taking phone calls and cutting ties for the time being.

I am one of the people you claim ships their family into a facility. My parents moved into assisted living near my home over two years ago. They were both in wheelchairs and in very frail health. I live in a three story town home with a lot of stairs.

they both ended up on Hospice and Dad just passed away at 94. Mom is stable and doing very well despite being bedridden and on oxygen 24/7. I have given up a lot to care for my parents. I spend countless hours each week at the facility, feed my Mother, get the mail, handle all the financial and other aspects of her day to day life. She is very lucid and neither of us has ever said a harsh word to each other.

when they moved here I cleaned out the house (severe hoarding situation) and I sold the house. I made sure their proceeds were put in their bank account.

I handled the leg work to get their long term care insurance going and trust me, it was a nightmare. they denied my parents and I went to bat for them and beat the system.

I have not witnessed anyone being verbally abusive to their loved one at my parents facility. I do know their are residents who don’t have family visiting and that saddens me but in general I feel most families are loving and caring to the people they are responsible for.

sweeping generalizations are never good with this sensitive subject because I personally read so many stories here that make my heart swell with love for all the people who are so patient and kind with their family members

Not sure how it can be stopped. I know it is a real thing. We deal with a different and unique situation. My MIL drops the abuse word like its going out of style. She is foreign and 2nd language is English. She has now added domestic violence to her vocabulary and recently called my husband on the phone to accuse him of it. My husband is an only child and her primary caretaker because she has been mean and miserable most if not all of her life. She was emptionally and physically abusive to him growing up and continues to be emotionally abusive. She has driven people away. She almost seems to enjoy misery. It sickens me that someone can make false accusations.

Maybe you see what you are looking for. I see a lot of frail elderly being hauled around by their children (usually the daughter). A lot of frail elderly live with their children (and, again, it's usually a daughter). Read this site, and you will see the sad abusive situations (to the caregiver) that these living situations often become.

Have you taken care of your own elders?

Just comments on the last post from Nerdmafia. “Grandma moves in once grandkids are born, to look after them while son/daughter are working during the day” - this is not about Grandmas who need Nursing Home level of care themselves. Perhaps the ‘down-side’ comments about hospitals explains why not.

Here Grandparents are only too often involved in caring for grandchildren where young parent/s are non-functional through drugs etc. ‘Retirement’ for the sandwich generation often means caring for their own ageing parents and also for their own grandchildren. Even where the young parents are fully functional, Grandparents often provide child care for some of the time that parents are both working, to save on child care costs.

If you (Nerdmafia) actually grew up in the USA, I wonder if things are now the way you suggest in Russia. Even in China, the move to cities for many young couples may mean that the old norms are more observed in theory than in practice. The situation in the USA has links to the medical options for keeping people alive until their late 80s and 90s. This is not the norm that any tradition is based on.

I see both sides here. To elaborate:
marryu:
Indeed. Interesting point about China. Can you offer more information for comparison?
I am from Russia, but grew up in the USA since I was a child. In Russia there are no nursing homes, and the role and social position of the elderly is already established in the society of the people. Grandma moves in once grandkids are born, to look after them while son/daughter are working during the day. This eliminates the need for both nursing homes, and daycare/babysitters. My Russian friend married an American man not so long ago. The man had the means to hire whichever help, but when the wife's baby was born, her Russian mother got on a plane and showed up to their home soon after:
"Why is she here?", the husband asked.
"Well, to help with the child, obviously...", the wife replied.
heh

So I think part of the problem, that may contribute to dementia and possibly elder abuse, is not only American society forgetting the value of the elderly, but also rendering them useless. When people feel useless, they manifest themselves into becoming a burden.

on the flipside:
In Russia older people are the last in line at hospitals. Already under staffed, the attitude is that an older person showing up with, cancer for example, will be "You're gonna die anyway. Let us treat a young person who has their whole life at stake. For you it will only prolong life a few years anyway."

Also, indeed if people don't -want- to care for their elderly, of course they should not be forced to. Especially if there are good nursing homes available.
I think this post should be taken in the context of:
Why people should reconsider not -wanting- to care for the elderly. I hope it's taken as assumed that nothing should be done against anybody's will.

Marryu, I’m a bit surprised that you see Seniors being abused ‘daily...in public places’. Also surprised that at age 65, people use ‘unacceptable language’ to you, and that you are only contacted by your relations ‘when they have something rude to say or when they need something’.

Senior abuse is certainly real, and is often financial – eg being asked for money, 'loans' and loan guarantees. Not wanting to live together or take responsibility for caregiving isn’t ‘abuse’. I am wondering what you think is rude, or even just unacceptable. Please look after your self, and your own happiness.

LoopyLou, I think you have only to read the threads here on a regular basis to see that many people just don't want to live with their parents.   I'm not judging, just observing.

Perhaps parents do need more care and monitoring, perhaps they have behavioral problems, but also perhaps their children just aren't interested in caring for their parents. 

And people of different ethnic backgrounds feel differently about caring for their parents.   I respect them for that.

It’s unfair to say it’s the disrespectful children placing their elders in facilities because they don’t want to be bothered with them anymore. It’s because their
parents may need more constant monitoring or medical care than they are able to give. They’re doing what is best, sad as it may feel,

How can it be stopped? Never put our children in a position that they have no choice but to care for us. I, for one, would NEVER want my children to take care of me. Their jobs are to live their lives, work their careers and care for their own families.

Thank you for your thoughtful insight about this problem. I’m 65 and my mom is 88, in pretty good health. We live individually at an IL complex. My mom feels that it’s better for families live separately and I agree with her.…..its very disrespectful for younger people to speak to elders in a hateful way. I hope you can enjoy your remaining years in peace and tranquility.

You point out some unfortunate issues.   I don't have any thoughts at the moment, but hopefully will later as this is a critical care issue in my opinion.