So, this isn't so much a question as it is something I need to get off my mind or I'll go crazy. My mom (65) has had two strokes this year and, at least in my opinion although it hasn't been diagnosed yet, is suffering from dementia of some kind. I have lived with her since 2005 and, although we had a great relationship, we are both hot-tempered and have had our share of fights. After mom had her second stroke and it was clear that she would need full-time care, I turned down a well-paying new job and have since devoted myself to caring for her alone. This has been since October 18th of this year and I am ashamed to say it, but I have already had like four or five meltdowns. And I'm talking screaming, crying, hysterical meltdowns to the point where I've wanted to kill myself, where I've wanted her to die, where I've said incredibly terrible things and punched walls and actually threw and broke a portable grill on my kitchen floor. I have accidentally put bruises on my mom's wrists because I was trying to stop her from kicking me (again), and felt so guilty about it that I contemplated contacting my aunt to come take care of her because I thought I was unfit. I have said things to my own mother like "I hope the next stroke kills you!", "I wish you were dead!", "I regret brining you home from the hospital!", "I hate you!" and so on. I have felt instantly guilty when these horrible words burst out of me, I have apologized, and my one saving grace is that my mom doesn't remember any of this, but I do and it breaks my heart and will be a stain on my soul that no amount of time or forgiveness will ever get rid of.
So, in my dark hours lying awake in bed at night, after another long and miserable day of trying to take care of this woman who I love more than anyone else and who I would do anything for, I ask myself one question over and over...How could I SAY that? How could I say these things that no human being should ever say to another? How could I say these things to my mother, who is the most amazing person I've ever known, who raised me and loved me and made my childhood happy and safe? How could I get so angry at this person who is clearly sick and can't help it? How can I even think these things about my mother, who deserves so much better than this, than me?
I have tortured myself with these questions, and so many more. I have felt guilt so raw and intense that it cripples me and keeps me from getting out of my chair and makes it so I can't sleep. I thought I would die from the weight of the shame I felt.
But then I started to answer my own questions, and I'll tell you how I can say these things that are horrible and that I don't mean. They come from fear, from exhaustion, from sadness and desperation and resentment and feeling trapped. These words come from anger and guilt and stress and not knowing how long this situation is going to last or how bad it will get. These words come from having to give up my job, my life and some of my sanity to take care of a woman who can be childish, mean-spirited, combative and aggressive. These words come from being sick of changing diapers and cleaning sheets and being kicked and grabbed and having to fight her for every inch of everything. These words come from the exhaustion of just trying to get her up and clean and dressed for a doctors appointment, and knowing that it is going to be a struggle the entire way because she is completely unmotivated to do anything. These words and feelings come from knowing that when I try to give her her meds she'll most likely slap them out of my hand again. These words come from her lack of hygiene and having to deal with her horrible breath and dirty hair and having to wash her in the shower. These words come from having to clean down the entire bathroom at least twice every day and trying not to gag on how disgusting it all is. These words come from grief, and the loss of our lives being happy and free. From pain.
I grew up with a mother who agreed to take her mother into our house and they did not get along. My mother was extremely resentful of having my grandmother living with us, and it wreaked havoc in the house all the time. Nobody was happy. Mom should have made other arrangements for grandma so that BOTH of them could have had a better life meaning ALL of us would have had better lives; dad and myself included. Instead, she felt like she 'had' to keep grandma in our house out of some misguided sense of duty when grandma would have been better off in a nursing home! Ultimately, mom cried uncle and sent grandma off to an aunt's home to live and the aunt said No Way, and sent her to a nursing home where she did fine. She lived to be 91 and died in her sleep one night, peacefully, with a smile on her face. It should have been done YEARS earlier.
Please take your life back and allow yourself to HAVE a life now. You deserve to. If I had to live with and care for my mother, I'd have shot myself, honestly. I could NEVER do it in a million years! She lives in Assisted Living since 2014 and in Memory Care since 2019, thank God. She's doing fine and I have enough on my plate managing her entire life, finances, doctors, etc! I care for her, but no hands on care which makes a big difference. We can maintain a fairly decent relationship that way, otherwise, we'd be at each other's throat 24/7!! No joke
Sending you a hug and a prayer today, dear Rose.
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Nobody here will judge you.
I got so mad at my mother once I kicked a hole in the wall of my living room. (Carefully checked before I did it to make sure I wasn't kicking a 2x4 board). My kids tiptoed around me for DAYS after that.
You need to move mom to somewhere she can get the care she needs. And you know this, don't you? If you don't, YOU are going to have some serious health issues.
Deep breaths. OK? Start the process of finding her a place that suits her best. Look at that as the 'long term' goal and each day of survival as a 'short term' goal.
Why our LO's lash out at US and treat total strangers with an over abundance of love and affection will FOREVER be a question I'll be asking.
Please put yourself first.
In fact, take mom to the ER for that UTI and refuse to bring her home. The SW at the hospital can help you find placement for mom. Minimally, you'll get a little break--mom's had a million UTI's and they usually keep her 2 nights (this is pre-covid, I must admit)---but it was a little break for us CG's.
You can no longer do this. Your Mom needs care that you are not able to give her. We are not all Caregivers. We are not made to care for someone 24/7. Her aggressiveness can be helped with medication. If not a Dementia, her brain has been damaged. Not her fault, not yours.
Get her to a Neurologist and have him diagnose her for 24/7 care. Then apply for Medicaid. I see you say Mom has not signed up for SS or Medicare, if she hasn't you need to find a way to get it done. Both can be done online, I think. If Mom has any money use it. My Mom had 20k. I applied for Medicaid in April, placed her May1st and she privately paid May and June. June I confirmed with the caseworker that Mom was spent down her money and I supplied all info needed. July 1st Medicaid started paying.
You don't need to physically care for Mom. All you need to do is make sure she is safe and cared for. My Mom was in my home, then an AL and finally in LTC. It was nice when she was in the AL and LTC, I could just visit.
I suggest placement, and getting your own life going forward in order to save your sanity and your dignity.
The words that are coming out are telling you that you are a human being with limitations. You are smack up against them right now. This must be recognized or permanent destruction and damage will be done to you BOTH.
I wish I had some magical answer to give you, or some miracle cure to offer; but all I can offer is my sympathy. You are trying your best with a situation that has no easy answers, no simple solutions, and rife with heartbreak.
I sincerely hope you can find someone you trust, in person, to talk with. Just to alleviate your guilt somewhat. And to maybe get some strategies that might work for you, to help when you feel yourself starting that slide into helplessness and rage. So you're not facing overwhelming guilt along with all of the other weight you have to bear through this.
(((hugs)))
Time to step back. This situation is obviously not good. There is a lot you have described that many here will offer advice, solutions, read each post, there is almost always something you will find useful in them.
This almost seems like your mother could be considered a "Ward of the State" situation-but others here who have had this situation will certainly know more about that.