I feel I have lost so much with mom's dementia...I miss my home country...my quick vent for today

Question

When my mother was in India, our home country, I'd visit her every year in summer for a month. She lived in a very nice senior community (but alas, did not have MC/NH). This was my break from life in America and connect with my schoolmates, even take small tourist trips to explore parts of India with mom's home as a base.

Mom became very forgetful & there was no one in India to supervise her care with aides. The aides would show up late & leave early etc & her care became a nightmare . So I just moved mom over here and we will probably sell her house in the senior community. My inlaws, my extended family are here, husband & kids have no interest in India.

The point of all this is: I so miss visiting India - I spent the first part of my life there. I was 24 yrs when I came to America. It kills me to see other families planning summer trips there, talking about ticket prices etc. I just cannot believe that there's no need for me to go there anymore. I could visit and stay in hotels - when covid is under control -- but it will never be the same as staying with one's family, waving to the milkman, talking to the newspaper guy in our language and the million little things that'd part of the daily life if only mom was there! It breaks my heart to stay in my country as a tourist.

(I'm connected to the Indian community here in my town and attend cultural programs & festivals but it can never makeup the thrill of "flying home" for summer and going back to your roots.)

I'm so angry and in shock that mom's dementia has robbed me of a very cherished experience. I'm also an empty nester now and feeling every loss very acutely.

Even if covid subsides, mom is quite frail now and I doubt she can tolerate the plane journey to India and stay in her senior community like old times.

Thank you for letting me ramble on and vent....I'm very grateful that mom is safe with me, we have our health & home etc..but some days these thoughts are not comforting enough.

Tynagh · Accepted Answer

It's sort of a constant underlying "pain". You want your life to be "normal" again, but you know it will never be the "normal" you once knew and you don't yet know (or want) what the new version of "normal" will be.  It's hard to wrap your head around.

wearynow · Answer

Thank you so much, dear fellow caregivers,  for listening and not poohpoohing my feelings. I was feeling very down yesterday. I will double my efforts to be thankful for my blessings.  Good luck and god bless you all.

polarbear · Answer

Wearynow - I am sorry for your current situation. Most of us can definitely relate because we are in similar situations. Times like this, we need to remember to count our blessings which are abundant even if they are small.

Hope you will feel better. If not, keep on venting...

polarbear · Answer

Margaret - yours is such a sad post.  Reminds me of some lyrics in a song about a guy missing his lost love, and it goes something like: "I go back in time to search for you because that is where you live."

MargaretMcKen · Answer

Death can bring many of the same feelings. I had a complicated family, all from England, and in my twenties I spent 6 years there with relations and my first husband. Now they have all gone – my mother, my dear mother-in-law, my first husband. No-one now even knew my dreadful father. No-one shares my memories of those things and that life.

I think that’s what saddens many old people – the loss of their contempories, and the memories that were lost with them. I remember a story about two old men who had always hated each other, but spent time together in old age. Each other was the only link to the past.

Sometimes you can ‘visit’ the past, but you can never go back. Just don’t let it overwhelm you.

JoAnn29 · Answer

This will not last forever. The problem is, it would be nice to know when it will be over. Feel blessed that your in-laws are there and helping. Be aware though, you are allowed to feel this way. You have put your life on hold.

(((HUGs)))

cxmoody · Answer

" Reaching out to all of you here is my way of sorting thru my stupid feelings, when I have so much to be thankful for, "

Your feelings are in NO WAY stupid.

Dementia is just one grief after another. With the Loved One bafflingly still alive in body!

It's hard to even imagine this horror, if one hasn't experienced it.

Best wishes to you and your Mom.

againx100 · Answer

Knowing that your mom is living with you, don't forget to take care of yourself too and get yourself some time alone. If she can't be alone, get a helper in now and then. I've started with a cleaning lady (mostly cuz mom can't take care of changing her sheets, cleaning her room/bathroom). A teeny bit of outside help for helping her learn to use her new CPAP. I will add more help as needed cuz I am NOT going to be stuck home all the time with her. We need and deserve to have our own lives too.

I know what you mean about this not being part of our plans! I agreed to it but did not ever honestly think about what the future COULD look like. Yikes. If I'd known then what I know now.....things would be soooo much different.

We live in the country, half an hour from EVERYTHING. That can make it very isolating for an elderly person with dementia (or confusion that seems like it).

wearynow · Answer

Cwillie, I felt the loss of protection when my dad passed away. Yes, I'm trying to grow up and be sensible about these life changes but it hurts so badly.
Thank you for replying.

wearynow · Answer

Thank you! Reaching out to all of you here is my way of sorting thru my stupid feelings, when I have so much to be thankful for,
Good luck to you too during the holiday season.

wearynow · Answer

Thank you so much. Mom is with me, in my house. I try to fill my day with 'stuff to do' but nights are hard when I lie awake thinking about my life turned out. Mom living with me was not part of the plan. I guess life happens when you are busy making other plans.

cwillie · Answer

I think you have to realize that dementia or not there was always going to be a time when your mother was no longer available in this capacity, it's all part of growing up and growing old. For me it's the feeling of being protected and loved that I know is never going to be the same again in my lifetime.

againx100 · Answer

Dementia robs us of many things. Hopefully you can rather quickly get from anger about losing your India connection and move into the realm of acceptance. Doesn't mean you have to like it. You don't have any other friends or family there that might want you to visit them? It wouldn't be the same as going to mom's, but life is full of changes and sometimes we have to shift gears and find another way and make the best of it.

Your mom's lucky that you were able to move her here and keep her safe. Is she living with you or in a facility of some sort?

You'll be OK.

Sophiahd · Answer

Alzheimer's and dementia are definitely illnesses of loss. I especially feel it during the Christmas season. It's much better now but I still have moments where it hurts so much.

I read somewhere that "the disease does its things and we have to do the hard work of acceptance." I guess I haven't accepted everything yet.

I hope you find a way to incorporate India back into your live and story. Sending good wishes.

I feel I have lost so much with mom's dementia...I miss my home country...my quick vent for today

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