I want to begin by saying thank you to you all for your posts and encouragement on these forums. They have been very helpful to me. I don’t post (until now), but I do read what others have posted in situations similar to my own.
We had another rough Christmas this year with my narcissistic parents and I need to vent a bit and get some feedback if possible. In a nutshell, I am 55, the oldest (daughter), with a 51-year-old brother who is a drug addict, felon, and homeless. He is the golden child and I am the scapegoat. My parents, both 75, moved 6 hours away from our hometown where we all resided about 12 years ago. They both take lots of medications, including antidepressants, etc., which is beginning to affect them cognitively. The distance has been a good thing for us, though.
I have cut off all contact with my brother due to his addictions, choices, and behaviors. I do not discuss my brother with my parents, especially my mother. Last year, in about September, I received a phone call from my father stating that they were driving down here to pick up my brother and take him back to their home in Tennessee. At Christmas, my husband and I had to drive up there and remove him from their home as he was taking advantage of them, not working, and doing drugs. I knew this was going to happen, but had to wait until there was a crisis. My mother keeps trying to “save” him, and gets my father to go along with her plans.
This Christmas they wanted to drive down here to celebrate with me and my family, and Mom asked if my brother could come celebrate with us. Of course I said no, and she got mad at me. They came, they acted perturbed, and stayed in the bedroom much of the time when they were here. They would come out in the evening to watch tv with us, and one night out of the blue my father told me in front of my husband, “I’m going to kick your butt!” Twice. I just said, “Ok. Pop.” When I told Mom about it later, she giggled and said, “That’s your Father!” Then, on Christmas eve, we had a big family gathering with our 5 kids and their families. My mother decides to show out in front of everyone (she loves an audience), and screams my name at the top of her lungs from the bedroom, upset about my father not wanting to wear an ugly Christmas sweater. Then she comes out yelling at me, and I corner her in the dining room away from everyone to let her “vent” and not cause too big of a scene. And, yes, I was very embarrassed, but I handled it ok. On Christmas day they met my brother at a truck stop for a meal, came home, went to bed, packed up and left early on the 26th. I purposefully did not communicate with them for 3 days since that time, and have had limited contact since then as I am done with this situation. My mother knows something is up, as she has been texting me more frequently telling me what a “wonderful” visit they had. I told her I was on vacation from my cell phone, and spending time with my husband who was off for the holidays.
My parents are very secretive about things, and will not tell me anything about anything regarding their life plans, etc. I have finally let it all go, and will intervene when something happens. I will continue to be the responsible daughter I should be, but from a great distance. My husband and I have a wonderful marriage, 5 awesome and well-adjusted adult children, and 1 sweet granddaughter. This is what I will be focusing on from here on out.
FYI…(I went through several years and thousands of dollars of therapy about 15 years ago, to deal with the dysfunction I grew up in, and to get to this place in my life. I am very protective of who I am now, my family, and where I am in my life). Thanks for reading.
The holidays are far from the "Hap-Hap-Happiest time of year" for so many of us and your experience this year mirrors so many of our own, and yet, you did hold your head high, and managed to rise above their self serving drama. Good for you. We're rooting for ya, we're all in this together!
Your tale shows your strength, resilience & especially your boundaries shining through, despite others' dysfunction relationships.
Keep shinning & a very happy new year to you.
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my father is a very proud and independent person, and I think what sparked him to want to “kick my butt” was the fact that I offered for my husband (who is an aircraft mechanic), to look at the bumper of his car that mom damaged a couple of weeks ago. But some of his issue is dementia as well as guilt and anger regarding my derelict brother.
It just saddens me that their lives could be so much sweeter and richer with family and happiness if they would allow and accept it. But they don’t.
I accept what is happening with them, but it doesn’t mean I have to be a part of it.
You're doing the best thing you can by waiting for a crisis to happen with the folks, keeping your distance and living far away from them, and focusing on your own family & sweet granddaughter (aren't they the BEST? :))
You handled things beautifully and have your priorities exactly where they belong, thank God. It's refreshing to read a post like this where YOUR head is on straight in spite of all the histrionics your family brought to you over the holidays.
Bravo to you and all the best in the new year!
Kudos for getting therapy and getting and USING the skills you learned there to set healthy, necessary boundaries! So many people get mired up in the drama and can never seem to disengage, to the detriment of their happiness and the happiness of their spouses and children!
I hope you look at yourself proudly in the mirror every day and recognize what an awesome person you are!