The anger breaks my heart.

It is sad that caregiving is often a stressful, turbulent, emotionally exhausting phenomenon. It is sad that physical death is understood better than mental health. It is sad that there are few feasible ways for the aged to pass peacefully and gracefully and without heavy cost. It is sad that our social world is terrified of death and doesnt openly talk about it like the natural phenomenon it is (always has been and always will be), and people would rather argue about which after-life ideology is correct. (This doesnt help anybody)

That being said, its also sad that many people are finding themselves in a caregiver position where they have to support someone who wasn't terribly great at supporting them... abusive pasts, history of toxicity, narcissism, mental health issues, you name it.... This is not a rare case unfortunately. As it was in my own....

Fortunately, with greater understanding of mental health, subsequent generations can be better prepared & work towards a healthier family culture. Times are changing for the better I believe.... But I still think that it will still be hard until we generally accept that death is unavoidable, natural and in fact... a beautiful process.

What is so sad is that I don't understand that you could read posts of others who are going through tremendously difficult situations....some experiencing abusive, toxic, heartbreaking situations of all types...and yet you judge and question THEIR feelings going thru the most painful and hurtful and agonizing situations?

I think anyone who possess an ounce of sensitivity and awareness, would know better. It really doesn't take going thru something yourself in order to understand - but sadly instead, the words in your last paragraph come across as seeming self-righteous.

Compassion and empathy is the answer.

LJ, this is from a post of yours:
"She was delightful to care for. Fortunately, she had enough money and I didn't have to work, Those were the most rewarding five years of my life. I miss her desperately".

I am sorry for the loss of your mom. You say elsewhere that you were 54 when she died.

Let me point out to you that most of us here have to work to pay our mortgages and living expenses.

Some of us have small grandchildren we're tending.

And some of us are in our 70s or 80s, tending elders in their 100s.

Not all of our parents have money. And not all of our parents are "delightful".

There are circumstances that lead to folks being angry.

Walk a mile in someone's shoes with a feces-smearing, paranoid, accusatory violent elder before you judge the desperation you see in these posts.

Or with a self-involved mentally ill mother who never gave her children a single thought but now expects them to dance attendence on them.

Or the in-law from heck who is moved in because the parentified child "can"t bear" to see mummy in a home, but asks the spouse to give up her/his life snd livelihood to enable a charade of independence.

Don't judge us based on your "delightful" experience.

People get angry because they are hurting. And people who are hurting deserve compassion and a listening ear - most likely they get none of those things in real life, and probably receive a lot of the opposite (insults, anger, violence) from their loved one, a person who should be appreciative. Judging them only serves to deepen the hurt. Try compassion and empathy instead. Even if you don't understand.

And I don't understand posts like yours that seek to judge other caregivers for venting their frustrations or for not being able to successfully pull off years or decades of caregiving - even those of us who had the best, most loving relationships are only human and don't have super hero capes.
Anger can come from the never ending 24/7 grind, the anxiety and frustration, the downright awful things we find ourselves having to manage like urine and feces and open sores, from an inadequate or completely absent support system. Caregiving takes a toll on every aspect of a caregiver's life: relationships, finances, spirituality, emotional and physical health; and even the best, most loving relationships can break down under this level of strain.

Wow - lealonnie1...that was so beautifully ...so compassionately ...so brilliantly...so insightful...and so eloquently said - and So True.

If someone else was fortunate enough NOT to have experienced an Abusive parent, then I would truly hope that they have the empathy and compassion towards others who unfortunately had a different experience.

Sadly, I found the OP's post off-putting.

Every case is different. Those of us who had wonderful parents are so very lucky. I like to think that our elders are as individual as a thumbprint. Each case is so different. Do consider staying, helping others, and attempting to wipe out some of the anger and pain. You could do so very much good here.
I am so sorry for your loss. I never had to see my brother descend into the Lewy's diagnosis he had; he died of sepsis before that could happen. It was his most fervant wish. So for that I can be content. But I'll never be over missing him. For those of us to have had marvelous relationships, however, I think they stay with us forever. Sometimes that is the same for those without the luck we had. We can help, I think.

Nobody wants to feel anger or resentment but it comes about for a good reason, not from thin air and without cause. Consider yourself very very fortunate that you were in the position you were in with your mother where you had the sort of relationship that did not breed such anger or resentment. Keep it close to your heart and don't pass judgment on those who don't have the same kind of situation you had. Many people came from very abusive situations you couldn't begin to comprehend. Be grateful you can't, because in reality, THOSE are the 'sad' cases you mention.