This forum is depressing.

Positive Story. I was able to please my mother once. I was able to go to her place do what she wanted me to do without her comments about my clothing, hair, weight, appearance or attitude. I will never repeat this ever. End of positive story.

I find it helpful,
I am not you, nor you I,
Sharing or burden?

Good for you, TChamp. You give the best answer on this whole thread.

"You better go look for a Walt Disney forum".

LOL! That is priceless.

I thought the same thing when I first joined the forum, which was something like 8 years ago. Now I totally get it!

If everything in aging care would be fine and dandy, there would be no need for his forum. You better go and look for a Walt Disney forum.

James, if a person signs up for any forum of any topic of any kind and says 'Not sure I am finding what I need on here' well, they're probably right. What I get, and what I think a lot of other people do too, is get confirmation that they're not the only person in the world going through this, when many days it feel exactly like they are, and that feeling of being the only one has a special sting all it's own. A forum like this at least relieves that. And I'm sure from time to time insights are shared to better cope with or even relieve other problems (I just joined a few days ago, so I can't speak to that - yet). If there were easy answers to the majority of the issues, people wouldn't be on here talking about it, they'd be out there solving it themselves.

I think James left the group when he posted this. It really should be closed to posting.

Okay James, in the name of having a happy loving story here goes....

Mom and Dad were in a LTC facility together and then she passed at 96. Dad still had his faculties but I lived 9 hours away so we needed to be creative particularly during Covid when visiting required crossing the US/Canadian border and isolating for 2 weeks each time I went. (which was expensive but cool considering I'm completely okay with solitude.)
During the 18 months I had Dad to myself we spoke on the phone @ 1:00pm each day for 1/2 hour and Facetimed each Monday. We had a nice rhythm! One of the lovely things I didn't anticipate was the my very reserved Dad came out of his shell when we spoke and I had the opportunity to learn about grandparents, aunts and uncles I'd never met, about his life before he met my mom (and all his hijinks with his best friend) and multitude of other previously unknown facts about him. I'm so grateful for that time with him! It was a blessing I hadn't expected and I'll never forget the look on his face when I arrived to be with him as he left this world (even though it was the dead of winter and he told me not to drive up) He sat his recliner, sick as a dog with Covid and said "You came" and started to weep. (I'd never seen him cry before and believe me when I say they were tears of joy) I stayed with him in my ppe for the last 36 hours of his life and consider myself one lucky daughter!

So there's my happy story. Hope that helps :-))

Oh James, the internet is huuuuge! I betcha there are lots of other web sites you could visit. It seems you were here awhile ago, and lealonnie1 has the proof. Are we to stop our caregiving sharing and massage your ego with tales of Happy-Happy Joy-Joy of caring for those with dementia?
I think it would be great if you started your own forum, moderated to only have the most positive aspects of caregiving. Please show us how you undestand this, as well as the 100 or 1000 good or better circumstances you cite. That would make for a very substantial presence on the web.
Of course, James is trolling for bait to assuage his need to feel superior to those of us in the trenches. Last weekend here was awful, his observations are trite and I could always use a chuckle.

Dear James, This can be a depressing forum. Most of us are dealing with overwhelming issues. In spite of this, there are many good moments (although sometimes different from the norm). I hope you continue to follow this blog for a while. I have gotten wonderful advice and at times it has kept me from "putting my head in the oven." (((Hugs to you)))

What is really funny is when I first looked at this site I didn't post because there were so many posts from martyrs who kept preaching about what a blessing it was to give up their lives to cater to a parent. Exactly what I wasn't looking for. I tried it again later and found there were more people like me...who did not find joy in the 24/7 management of a parent.

Hi! we do have a ‘jokes’ thread which might be more up your alley. However if you know of another site about caregiving where everything is ‘good or a lot better’, please post the link here – we’d be pleased to get a bit of uplift!

Gma, he ghosted us months ago.

He doesn’t need us.

Yet

I am late to the party. What wonderful comments here. It can seem depressing to some but for those in over our head this place is a lifeline.

I don't post much but I am an exhausted caregiver trying to find support during a very stressful time.

negativity may be what you see here right now because you aren't at the point where you need this group.

when you get to the point that you need us, we will be here.

what is your caregiver situation? I feel like we can help you if you post a specific need

It can seem depressing but I for one reached out to hear how other people in similar circumstances cope with a tough situation. I have definitely found positivity in the short time I’ve been here. I think we don’t need to read everything that’s here just take snippets of info that helps your situation you don’t have to take on board other peoples

Good for you. Stop reading us. Three years into my journey and I often find encouraging words here or ideas on some changes I can make to help my mom…I would love to read your book on how to love this.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/im-constantly-sad-because-of-my-dying-father-and-i-dont-know-how-to-lift-my-spirits-any-advice-473531.htm

Here you go, James.....EVENTHAT told his long story on this thread of how he devoted his entire life to caring for his mother fulltime, unpaid, for 4 years during the sunset of her life and even described "wiping her behind". She died during the few hours he was away from her while she was hospitalized, unfortunately, and now he'll be trying to find employment in his mid 50s.

Well said Mountainmoose.

dear bundleofjoy

I think you're right :} LOL

James, I'm happy for you that this forum is too negative for you. I'm not being snarky. I'm very serious. I'm happy for you that your circumstances aren't horrific like many of us who had to seek out this forum. About the many people in your claim who have "better circumstances", those people are so fortunate they have no NEED to seek out help and support.

You can find positive stories here. There are threads that take months of back-and-forth of posts: a woman so beaten down by family caregiving and their horrible family when, buoyed by support and guidance here, we slowly see her find her internal strength to stand up for herself and take action to relieve herself of horrific burdens.

Often, we help with terrible situations here. This forum saved my life. You write you would be "mentally destroyed." Well, my life was mentally, emotionally, and physically destroyed. Others here will state the same thing. That this forum is too harsh for you tells me your situation isn't too dire--and I'm truly relieved for you. A few years ago, in one month, I saw two headlines to threads where the posters were in such a bad state they were ready to commit suicide. Many of us do our best give them help.

Hi Simon, It's so good to hear from you again.

James came here to hear about how it could get worse. While people's stories differ, we're usually at the stage where it has gotten worse for the parent and/or us.

Sure, it is depressing to know that with age, there is only decline. And with decline, the senior often tends to issue more demands while being less kind and less reasonable.

James, it depends.
Ive posted here about my father and have received a lot of emotional support and advice. At the same time there were posts addressing his state of health. It's hard to make incontinence, amputations and losing loved ones positive but I can assure you this is genuinely a good group of folks all dealing with a very stressful, unpleasant time in life. Just know that you are with good people, James.

Then leave the group. If people are having an easy time, this group is not for them. This group supports, helps and encourages each other when obsticles get in our way. Please take your negativity to another forum. You are of no help to us. Best of luck to you!

James, I have experienced both positive and negative experiences. Years ago, when my mom was alive, she had lung issues but her mind was intact. She was enjoyable to be with and we were close. She had a paid caregiver, and so I only did a small amount like cooking, cleaning and shopping. The caregiver did the hard parts like changing her, etc. My mom and the caregiver and I would play cards at the kitchen table.
I had a job as a personal assistant for a neighbor. But I wanted to stay home and be with mom, and play cards. Or have lunch with her.

She passed. I became my dad's full time caregiver since 2014. He doesn't want to pay someone. Plus, the house is cluttered and caregivers don't want to work here.
He can be difficult sometimes to be with. Complaining, screaming and unreasonable.
I want to go out and live life, while I'm still young, but dad
needs my help. I try to make time for myself, it's not enough. I need my space.
I want a peaceful home.

How about 'vale of tears'?

dear cover99,

:) i think that’s too optimistic.

" Life is an endless misery..." Prince Vince Beetlejuice

Oh, Ariadnee, I am so glad James asked his question. I know so much more about those who are here, so much more of courage and what REAL LOVE is. I think of all you said so beautifully. I think of my beloved brother who KNEW of his probably early Lewy's, who was brilliantly smart enough to know what was coming, who WANTED to talk about it, about the world as he saw it, about our brains and what it is like to FEEL them fail every day. I learned so much from him. I learned so much about love, about fear, about the whole gamut.
I love this Forum. Is it an addiction? Oh, my, yes. I would need more than 12 steps to get away from HERE. I have tried!
Your response is so beautiful.

On a positive note, yesterday my husband was able to go into the pet store and grocery store with me, the best he's been in months. Otherwise, I'm watching him fade away mentally. A doctor who was one of the top pros in his field. Won teaching awards from a major university-as elected by his medical students and residents. He along with a few others, were instrumental in establishing standards and practices for Hospitalist Medicine. So, yeah, watching all of that ebbing away into the void of dementia is generally unbearable everyday.
I find here, like minded caregivers, who are dealing with the same struggles of loss. I can't always voice my experiences to friends who haven't gone through this-although there are two friends who have and we support each other. I've enrolled in two courses on dementia-one at UPenn and the other in New Zealand, a research study group and a general dementia support group and may add another support group to the mix. I'm gonna learn as much as I can, give back to reasearch and comment here. We ain't got much, but we got each other.

"Old age ain't for sissies" Betty Davis to Johnny Carson

I think he’s on the wrong site. This isn't an aged care issue. He wants to be cheered up, and we don’t have the skills (or the role) to deal with 30 years of depression. He says ‘If this forum was my only view of what life is, I would be totally mentally destroyed’. His 1000-to-1 bet would be financial destruction as well. Well this forum is what it is, so he shouldn’t be here, for his own safety.