My MIL sent her 89-year-old MIL to live with my husband and myself because she "doesn't want anyone dying in her house."

"My husband and I have discussed it at length, and agree that this isn't going to be grandma's permanent home. He didn't wanna do this either, but unfortunately felt like there was no choice in the moment.

I'm not really mad at any one person, just mad at the situation and how sad and unfair it is for all parties involved."

So that's part one of a very important discussion -- Grandma isn't going to continue to live with you. What's part two? What is the plan to get her out?

As far as not being mad at one person, I'd be most mad at your MIL. Didn't she lie by omission how bad off Grandma was? Why did she want to throw your H, her son, under the bus? Does your son have siblings? (Just curious -- I'm always interested to know why one sibling or another gets the caregiving dumped on them.)

As long as you and new DH are weathering the storm (nicely put, by the way), I can't see it makes any difference what motivated MIL - newly widowed, let's not forget, and therefore no doubt hyper-sensitive to issues surrounding death - to request? or expect? you to take in gMIL.

She can have had many reasons for burning out, don't forget. I agree that this particular one would lead me too to think "oh great, sure, funerals R us, imminent death a speciality of the house round here" and similar sarcasms, but I should let it go.

What I wouldn't let go is the necessity for a practical plan going forward to protect your young marriage. What are the options?

"No question, really. Just venting a bit". That's ok. But my question is this: do you want to change the situation?

You accepted Grandma in. Her needs are more than you anticipated.

So either you put your energies into learning care/nursing skills & adding more support or put your energies to changing the situation.

What do you want to do?

Thank you. My husband and I have discussed it at length, and agree that this isn't going to be grandma's permanent home. He didn't wanna do this either, but unfortunately felt like there was no choice in the moment.

I'm not really mad at any one person, just mad at the situation and how sad and unfair it is for all parties involved.

Wow, so sorry. The thing here is that I don't think this is a mother in law problem so much as it is a problem in the marriage that the two of you did not dicuss all of this, whether you would or would not wish to take in your husband's Mom. If so, for how long and under what contract for care, care costs, rental, what reassessments on a regular basis to see if it is working for you BOTH (because if it isn't working for ONE in the marriage then it isn't working for the marriage).
I would begin discussions with hubby sooner rather than later. The MIL is already a moot point because she has said she doesn't want what she doesn't want and you have taken over.
I would discuss options for placement if this is a burden with repercussions for you marriage. And I am afraid, if I could get nowhere in understanding, this would be the shortest marriage on my marital dance card.
I sure do wish you luck. Taking in an elder to your home is not something that should be done quickly or lightly or without a whole lot of planning and discussion. That's water under the bridge now, though. So better late than never to use but one more tired cliche.
I think you might be misplacing some of your anger. I wonder if you aren't a bit angry at hubby for just acting on this wish of your MIL instantly? Or mad at yourself for not protecting yourself and your OWN home? To me your MIL is the most moot of all the points here.
I hope you'll update us and I sure do hope things go well.

Thank you. To clarify, we agreed to take her in back when she was more independent. We didn't agree to take her in when she was less so, and there was no discussion prior to the morning my MIL called and asked my husband to come get her.

My MIL wanted to keep the bed for guests.

Well Mavis, if you agreed to taking grandma in, then that's another kettle of fish entirely. And, why did she not have a bed while living with your MIL that could have been moved in with her? If she now needs FT medical care, Assisted Living is no longer an option, most likely, b/c AL is the place for an elder to go when they need minimal care & supervision. Skilled Nursing is the place grandma probably requires now, and you can apply for Medicaid (for long term care) on her behalf if she doesn't have the funds to self pay. If she has 'some' funds, she can self pay while Medicaid is pending. Speak to a Certified Elder Care attorney for advice & guidance on that subject and for advice in general about the best route to go if gma's care is too burdensome for you to manage. MIL saw the handwriting on the wall & was 'wise' to ship her off, but should have explained things to you in more detail, the way I see it. Although, to be fair, an elder can go downhill VERY quickly when they're up there in age; it can happen overnight. Everything looks 'easy' on paper, but in reality, can turn into a nightmare in short order. 24/7 caregiving for a sick and needy elder is something many people *including me* are not equipped to handle, especially for those who work full time & cannot afford a caregiver to come into the home to do the hands-on duties.

Per your profile:
I am caring for my grandmother Winnie, who is 89 years old, living in my home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, heart disease, and mobility problems.

Good luck to you.

Thank you. To be fair, I was open to having gram live with us back when she was more independent (could easily perform ADLs and do chores, etc). Since March, though, she's declined so rapidly that she needs full-time care now. We're slowly working on getting her medical/paperwork ducks in a row (as nothing had been done before, other than signing her up for Medicare), and she granted my husband Medical POA last week.

But yeah, I never would have agreed to her living with us when she requires full-time care. I'm a big fan of assisted living done right, and would have rather pursued that route ahead of time. It all happened so suddenly that I was having to scramble to buy her a bed off of Facebook Marketplace that night.

Whatever MILs reasoning is, its wrong to unload an elder on someone's doorstep for ANY reason without having an upfront conversation ahead of time and coming to an agreement about it. If I were you, I'd be furious. If I were your husband, I'd be irate and it would be time for a Come To Jesus meeting with mother. Being a newlywed and saddled with the care of an elderly grandmother, duped into it actually, is totally unacceptable by most people's standards.

I hope you can figure your way through this mess and still maintain a relationship with your MIL.

Good luck