Practicing healthy boundaries, I no longer go with husband to visit his elderly Mother. The BEST decision I have made for my mental health.

Good for you! I did that early on in my marriage. Only went when my husband was with me. She would take things I said and turn it around to make me look bad. My DH would ask me if I said this or that I then would tell him how the conversation went, he'd say OK and walk away. One day he did say "You shouldn't raise your voice to Mom" He has always had a hearing problem so he did not hear the first two times I said "I don't want her to have that" when my MIL was offering MY daughter something I did not want her to have. She literally ignored me. So I said "E, I DON'T WANT HER TO HAVE THAT" and that's what he heard.

Just when I thought I had her down pat, she would do something different. So never understood her. Her moving to Fla was probably a Godsend. We only saw her about 1x a yr since its a 2 day trip for us. She was so sweet to everyone who was not her DIL. I really think she was in competition with the DILs. She use to say "you attract more bees with honey than vinegar". Think she took that philosophy to heart. I have seen her nasty side when she did not get her own way and her son stood up for me. Its sad, but I could never say I loved her. I got along with her but a week was about as long as I could take. So, don't feel bad if there is no love there.

Maybe husband should read the book Boundries by Townsend and Cloud. He needs to set boundries for himself. He stands strong when she tries to cross them.

Cover.....so when are YOU going to go spend YOUR time visiting with this Poor Soul Who's " so sad and miserable though they try their best to hide it? Snicker.

This could have been written by ME!

Happiest day of my life (yes, I am embellishing here) was the day I walked out of my MIL's house...never to return. And snagged a Diet Coke on the way, just to tick her off. (She didn't 'allow' me to have a drink at her house b/c she was afraid I would have to use her bathroom...long story....) And I have NOT seen her for almost 2 years.

DH still goes, totally out of guilt, to see her. He hates every second of it. He begs me to go with him. He's tried going by her house when we're out and then tries to coax me into visiting--if/when he does that, I simply walk the 3 blocks to my sister's house and hang out there.

She hates me, she is very vocal about that and everyone in the family knows. It has been horrible and I wish I had had the courage to divorce her 20 years ago when she got really bad....

The boundaries have kept me sane. I will talk with DH about her, how she tries to manipulate, etc and I am sympathetic, but every time he tries to talk to her about her behavior, she comes unglued.

Some people are just mean and awful. I do not have to have this woman in my life and I do not.

Dh tried to guilt me recently about not visiting her, and I asked when was the last time he visited MY mother? It had been 5+ years, at least. So--what's good for the goose is good for the gander. And my mom LOVES my DH.

It can seem like that, in reality they are sad and miserable though they try their best to hide it.

She needs something to occupy her time. Good for you for not being that something. 🙂

How come all these terrible and selfish people seem to have the best care and the longest lives? It's almost like the universe rewards evil or just doesnt care one way or the other.

Good for you for not participating in the abuse by MIL anymore. I hope your husband follows suit before the stress kills him.

It will be OK not to love her from a distance too. You're the master of your environment. Only you can change it. No one will do it for you.

Good for you for setting and abiding by your healthy boundaries. It's been a long, hard road for all of us here on this Forum. In my case, my mother is the one in a continuing care community in skilled nursing with the best care and she too is the narcissitic demanding manipulator. Sounds like our mothers are sisters...doing all the same things you mention here and my husband and I feeling exhausted after a visit or one of her exasperating phone calls. Tough love is difficult but necessary to enforce and we are getting better at it as each day goes by. Definitely not easy and it can be all consuming if one allows it. Hopefully your husband will also see the light and the two of you can get on with your life. Hugs!

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A big round of applause for you. Isn't it great when the lightbulb finally goes off and you can see things clearly!
I do hope that little by little you can help your husband see the light as well. Even if he takes one day off from visiting that can make a difference.
You are right it is OK to love someone from a distance some times that distance is 6 feet, some times 60 feet and sometimes 6 miles.

Good for you! Yes, the only person you can control is yourself. Hopefully hubby will see the light, soon. All the best to you!