Family Females Serving as Pallbears

I'm a male and been a Pallbearer at least three times It's back breaking work. If the funeral is in the summer it's horrible. Make sure that the women know not to wear good shoes or high heels. I ruined a brand new pair of shoes while I was a Pallbearer. It might be a good idea to let the funeral home do a "run through" with an empty coffin first. Weight in the coffin can shift around and throw you off balance. I've seen male Pallbearers get thrown to the ground while trying to wrangle a coffin. Funeral homes don't really offer classes on how to be a Pallbearer. It's something you learn the first time.

I can see where you are coming from. Without boring you with the long drawn out details - my FIL is a raging, abusive, narcissist. I swear he would figure out a way to attend his own funeral to see who attends and hold a grudge against those who don't for all eternity. My DH and his sister have a massive social anxiety with regards to funerals if I'm being honest. They struggled with their mom's funeral but they did it because she was a wonderful woman and they could share in all of the memories that people wanted to share with them.

Their dad - is another story. First of all - he has alienated most people in his life. And second the few people that would attend either out of some sort of obligation or because he has them snowed and would word vomit his praises. We are all that is left otherwise. With COVID and the fact that DH and his sister have such social anxiety about funerals in general, and the fact that the only other remaining family members are spread out all over the country...we talked and decided that we don't want to do a funeral. When the day comes, we will cremate him and have a private, immediate family get together and that is it.

But there is also something poetic about it - because it is the exact opposite of what HE would want. He would want something huge, with lots of people that he hasn't seen or spoken to in years making a Herculean effort to come out and sing his praises and (Because that is what people do and say whether they believe it or not when they talk to the family) And people spending tons of money to buy flowers and people crying. And a long line of cars led by police. And a long receiving line and pallbearers solemnly carrying a coffin. We will bury his urn with his ashes next to his wife because he has a headstone. But no fanfare. No huge funeral.

He hasn't told us what he wants. He has never spent the time to say - this is what I want. He hasn't paid for anything. When it happens it is entirely up to us what to do.

Funerals are for the living.

Once he's dead he wont care who is carrying his coffin. Why go through the expense of a funeral and all this fanfare for someone you clearly dont like? There is no requirement that you have to have a funeral.

I wouldn't do that. It really isn't the time for a screw you type action.

I was a pallbearer for my grandma, she had actually left a list of who she wanted. She died at 101 so most of those people were long dead and gone. I was a substitute.😉😉

Has he left a list? You should ask him.

Just an FYI - make sure you discuss this with the funeral home before hand. I've served as a pall bearer with a mixed group and the casket was heavier than you might imagine.