Heartbreaking truth.

Agreed Fawnby, placing my father in NH was the best thing that could be done for him. They had activities and people who were able to tend to his needs where I could not.

I will never understand how a person can feel “I’ll never put them in a home.” That’s the place where they have a chance of getting the best care. Without going to look at some, why decide never? If that’s where the patient can get help for their needs and the family caregiver can resume living a more normal life? These never declarations make me want to hit my head against a wall.

Everyone's reasons & particular situation differs, but this problem seems to crop up in so many families;

* You stepped up to help.
* It worked well for a time.
* It's no longer working so well (for whatever reason: got too much / gone on too long / too hard financially / health needs are increasing).
* So you need a new plan.

My tip is don't spend time expecting or waiting for a sibling to rescue you.

I get it. It doesn't seem in any way fair. It's not. But let it go. When you think about it.. a sibling is not responsible to make Your choices work out for You. (I've been on both sides of this btw).

Start on the new plan today.

1. What care does Mom need?
2. Is this possible to arrange?
3. Can Mom afford it?
4. If not, what other options exist?

Finally, don't set yourself up for torture with this mind set: "I would never put her in a home".

Many many families have had to do this - as their very last choice, after every last option was tried. Doesn't mean they loved them any less!

Better to re-write to something like "I will keep her in my home as long as possible".

Your sister does want to be a caregiver and there is no obligation on her part to do so. Let it go.

If you would 'never put her in a home', cannot afford to continue paying for your mother's ongoing care, cannot go out with your husband anymore for mom getting sick each time, and now resent your sister for not helping out (not to mention mom herself), what sort of advice would be beneficial for you at this point? Soon you'll have to take on a 2nd job, if you haven't already, and/or your husband will have to take on another job, just to support your mother and all the caregivers she requires (for whatever reason such care is required, you don't say)! What kind of mother expects such a thing from her child?? I have two children (seven between DH & myself) and can tell you quite honestly, we'd NEVER expect such a thing from ANY ONE of them! Never in a million years, in fact. We'd be more than happy to move into Assisted Living any day of the week and have our kids come visit us in our apartment there rather than doing ANY hands on caregiving, that's for sure.

I had both of my parents living in Assisted Living because they required 24/7 care which was out the scope of my capabilities, as one human being. They wound up living a longer and better life as a result, too. I'm glad I didn't pay attention to outdated 'stigmas' associated with modern day Assisted Living communities, too, because the reality is, they're beautiful and the elders get wonderful socialization and activities there they'd never get in a home environment. Not to mention 24/7 caregivers and medical pro's coming into the community on a daily basis. The staff caught pneumonia 3x with my mother SO quickly, it prevented hospitalization 2x and saved her life the other time. Unless your mother is beyond AL care and needs a nursing home, you don't say, which is a horse of another color. Although when my mom's $$$ ran out for Memory Care AL, I had the Medicaid app all ready to go for long term care in a SNF. But she wound up passing away before that became necessary.

Of course there are other people who feel aggravated and resentful at taking on the burden of in home caregiving for a parent, with no support or help from siblings. Some, like me, don't even have siblings to help out. My mother took her mother in to live with us when I was a kid and harbored SUCH a level of resentment towards her that my childhood was ruined as a result. Not to mention my mother's life, due to the dislike she felt towards my grandmother. All for misguided 'obligations' too, b/c grandma, mom and I would all have been better off had she gone into managed care where we could have been visitors instead of indentured servants.

Ask your mother if she wants you to miss out on your entire life and 'no longer be living it' because you feel obliged to have her living in your home. She may surprise you with her answer, which may set you free from this self imposed sentence you feel obliged to carry out. Maybe not, I don't know, but it's worth a shot. Nobody should be exhausted feeling the weight of worry, care, 24/7 responsibility and having to work on top of it all. We're mere mortals all of us, and intended to live life to the fullest, not be SO immersed in caregiving that we have no life as a result.

Now may be a good time to rethink your decisions. It's never too late to do that, you know. You and your husband deserve a full life too.

Please don’t waste your life resenting your sister. She’s an adult free to make her own choices just as you are, she’s chosen not to provide care, it doesn’t really matter why or that she’s out hiking, it’s her choice. You’ve chosen many years of hands on caregiving and financial obligation, this was your choice and continues to be as you’ve stated you won’t consider mom moving. I’m sorry you’re exhausted, burned out, and have no time or resources to enjoy time with your husband. Is this truly the life your mom, if healthy and whole, would want for you? Neither of my parents would ever have allowed this for me and I’d never for my adult children. I wish you rest and peace, and clarity to think this through

Blessed4ever: Does your mother receive Social Security, employer pension either from her former employer or from your fathers SS account? Her money should be used for her care. As you can see, your money is being depleted and financial security for you and your husband’s retirement years should be your priority. Since your mother is 77, I imagine you & husband have several more years of full time work ahead - you should be saving your money.

Now that I’ve expressed the importance of you saving your money, as mentioned by JoAnn29, I want to also encourage you to inquire about getting your mother qualified for Medicaid in-home care or healthcare, etc. Check your state’s Government website for info on applying for Medicaid.

Blessed4ever, curious why you feel that your Mom would need a caregiver at 77 as the list of her health conditions are all quite treatable. None of which would require her to move to assisted living, etc. Or is there something else going on?

In your area, I found a few senior centers where, if able, your Mom could go during the day to be around people from her own generation. Enjoy a movie, play cards, have lunch, etc.

When my Dad retired from work, he and my Mom did volunteer work at the local regional hospital up into their early 90's. I am your Mom's age, and besides just recently retiring from work, had put in 20 years of volunteer work at the same hospital until covid.

As for your sister not helping out. Not everyone is meant to be a caregiver. Just because someone is retired doesn't mean they should be the caregivers. Just like so many families think an unmarried daughter should quit work and do the caregiving. I wasn't on-hands caregiving material, either but I was good at logistical care.

Please give us more information about your Mom, why you believe she needs to have a caregiver while you and your husband are at work.

This arrangement is financially unsustainable. Your sister is wisely not going to drain her savings to support this arrangement just so she can go into her own future with not enough money for her own care.

I have to ask what is the reason why you do not want to place her in a good, reputable facility? My MIL is in LTC, on Medicaid, in a private room in an excellent facility. She gets fantastic care and she has far more social exposure and options for activities than she'd ever having living with us. And, we get to have our lives. I think she'd never want us to burn out for her sake. Please consider visiting facilities to see that there are some very excellent ones.

Your mom may qualify for Medicaid in home care. You may want to check that out. Even if you don't get the full amount of ours needed, it hours that ur not paying for. She will also get Medicaid for healthcare. In my State it covers healthcare, prescriptions, dental and vision. Even if she doesn't fit the criteria for in home, she may fit the criteria for health care.

Maybe you can place Mom in an Assisted Living for respite care for a couple of weeks. Can't cost much more than paying an aide daily.