Hi folks,
I first joined the community a year ago when I found myself thrust into a caregiving position I hadn't anticipated. Some of you may remember that I'm an only child who came to visit my dad on vacation after not seeing him for 2 years due to Covid. When I arrived found that his COPD had declined so severely he was at death's door - and had been keeping it from everyone. He was so weak he couldn't even hug me when I arrived. So what I thought was going to be a 10-day visit turned into me staying fo 6 months (luckily my work was remote), and travelling back and forth between his home and my own (where my partner and pets kept the home fires burning) over the last year.
There were many days when everything felt overwhelming and impossible. Days and weeks would pass without any progress but eventually, I connected him with all of the services I could. In some ways I had a lot of help. In others I felt totally alone. It all took way more time than I would have expected and was the most stressful thing I've ever gone through (including having had cancer a year earlier). There were a zillion hurdles along the way (a huge financial mess, Covid, family fights, etc). Then I finally went back to MY home in May of this year for good when we had him stable enough to try living independently with part-time help.
I'm back now for a 10-day visit to check in, and things are stable. STABLE. That felt completely impossible this time last year, when I would be up with him in the middle of the night in crisis because he couldn't breathe after getting up to go to the bathroom, or would almost pass out walking from one room to the next, or when we both caught Covid in the spring. He had lost 60 pounds and could barely take 2 bites at a time. Now he's asking for seconds and eating dessert. Yesterday we went to a family reunion, where he was able to socialize with his beloved extended family for hours - last year, he made a brief appearance and then had to go lay down on someone's bed.
There are a LOT of things that helped, but getting him on 24/7 oxygen was one of the biggest game-changers. He technically didn't even qualify for it in our region but his quality of life was so terrible that we more or less insisted on it (I'm a social worker so am comfortable pushing) and decided the benefits outweighed the risks. It was 100% worth it. The day he started it was an absolute 180 turn.
Another huge thing is having help (other than me). We got him enrolled in government services and he now has paid caregivers coming in 5x/week. Just a couple hours at a time, but that's sufficient to keep the house clean, his meals prepared, and have people checking in on him regularly. I'm not even a religious person but I feel like these caregivers are actual angels. They are SO amazing at what they do.
Finally, I really struggled a lot feeling alone in this. Reaching out for help (from this community, from friends, from my partner) saved me, I really believe that.
I'm really just writing this to encourage anyone who is feeling how I was feeling this time last year, when I felt like my entire life was crumbling around me and the stress was making me sick, and my dad was imminently dying, that it *can* get better. Ask for help. Make use of services. You don't have to do it alone. In fact, maybe you shouldn't. That was certainly true for me.
I hope this helps someone.
Sending you all lots of love for the care work you do.
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