Mom's passing.

Wow. Your explanation of the bagpiper finishing gave me chills.

Thank you for sharing your hard days with us.

Yes. I bet your mother was sure proud of all of you coming together to celebrate her life.

Well done, indeed.

Hugs … it’s never easy to lose a loved one 💜

As you say this week and next will be hard but so will all the "first's" (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Your birthday...and on through the year.) Just know that she is with you and keeping your heart and mind open she will send messages.
(((hugs)))

(((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))

((((((midkid))))) you all did your mother proud. Very well done!!! Hope you get some rest now.

Mid, I'm SO glad it all went well.

Yes, healing all around now.

The service was beautiful and we all behaved. That's saying something.

YS did have a very, very hard time and I spent much of the pre-funeral viewing watching her and standing by her. My OS is very flat lined, emotionally, and doesn't pick up on 'emotional' clues. I'm kind of in the middle and YS is the 'baby' and has had the hardest time. She gave a beautiful, beautiful eulogy and my YB sang "Did I Fill The World with Love" from "Goodbye Mr Chips". (He sang with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir for 20 years and this was a favorite of mom's--she was SO PROUD of him). My daughter played "Somewhere Over the Rainbow' (she's a concert pianist, so the arrangement was beautiful.)

So the funeral itself was not too long. The internment was in the cemetery where the mortuary is--just a short walk, but they had a limo for us kids. I was happy to find an icy Diet Coke and that was much needed. When I got out of the Limo, my kids were all chuckling b/c I can find a DC anywhere. I told them I'd never ridden in a limo (less than 1/4 mile) and to have a 'drink' in one was now 2 things off my 'bucket list'. As it was 104 degrees--we were grateful for the awnings they'd put up!

At the gravesite, we had 12 pallbearers--all grandsons of mom's. How sweet to see these fine men...with such dignity carrying mom to her final resting place. A bagpiper played and wow--was that powerful. He spoke for a minute about the Scots belief that when the bagpiper has finished his song and has turned to 'pipe away' that the spirit of the deceased finally leaves us. (We are part Scottish).

THAT brought on the tears I had been holding back--YS and I just hung on to each other. SO beautiful.

We split up into our individual family groups for dinner at various restaurants. So that was nice to be able to sit and talk and eat and laugh and reminisce. My son had driven down from Seattle (we're in Utah) and he actually got to see quite a few friends. He had to get his son back for school, so they left about 7. It was quiet here in the house and I took a sleeping pill and went to bed at 8.

Today is a new day--and we begin the process of mending, healing, cleaning and continuing to be the people mom would have wanted us to be.

I know it will be hard at times, but I honestly wouldn't ask for her to be back for one minute more. I am really glad she and I were on good terms when she died.

In the end, all that is left behind is love. I think a lot of mending of relationships may come about after mom's death and we will be able to be a more 'whole' family.

Thank you to all my cyber friends. You've been a wonderful place to some to vent and not be judged. I appreciate you all!

I hope everything was peaceful this afternoon. Hugs to you.

Mid,
I’m sorry about all of the fracturing. Families sure do get weird after a death.
Sending you big hugs.
Let us know how the service goes.

Thank you for your posting.. hugs to you.. my mom passed the day after Mother’s Day. I too went into the mode of getting things done. The mechanics. I relate to your YB. I moved my mom three times. I lived out of state . So each time I visited , I was in mechanical mode.. so much to do , so little time.. same when she passed. IT was only me, my sister is incapable, I understand her.

hope all comes together kindly for your family…

My condolences to you and your family, Midkid. I'm glad that end-of-life details are ironed out and that your mom is at peace. (((((hugs))))))

Your gratitude to mortuary estheticians is relatable. It's wonderful to see a Loved One like a younger vibrant version of themselves one last time. Peace to you and your family.

Just more (((((hugs))))), Mid.

Take a large bottle of water with you this afternoon, and maybe a damp cloth in a baggy full of ice cubes...

Last night was mother's viewing--yes, on a holiday but we are all exhausted and want this done with. I have no idea if the funeral will be 'well attended' or if we're basically going to be sitting there with the 50+ family members and that's it.

Mother really looked lovely--we really debated whether we could have an open casket viewing--and those mortuary estheticians are amazing. Mom looked 20 years younger and so beautiful. My OS and I dressed her for burial and it was a privilege and a beautiful way to show our love for her.

YB did head off YS at the pass and told her that mom's stuff is ALL gone, except for the genealogy and a a bin of scrapbooks which are just copies of family pics we already have. I refused to bring them to my house, so YB will store them.

YS was pretty angry at YB for being so overbearing, but I talked to her, after YB had and told her that one of the signs of grief is 'frantic cleaning' which is exactly what YB did. It's like he's trying to erase memories--or whatever--and in time I am sure she will see that it's OK. Mom didn't have many things of value, and when YS gets her 'inheritance' she will calm down. OB hopes to have it all wrapped up in a month. She had no property, no investments, and just one small life insurance policy.

YB plans to start renovations on the apartment on Thursday. IF my OS comes to get the bedroom set, which I'm pretty sure YB will put out on the front lawn if she doesn't retrieve it tomorrow.

From an 800 sf apartment, they hauled off 3 full trailers of stuff for GoodWill, one full for the dump and one about 1/2 full of books and puzzles for the Sr Center. I did not realize so much stuff could be packed into such a small place.

No judgment, just the facts. It's kind of overwhelming. Not 'kind of'--actually just overwhelming and YB's frantic behavior is not helping--but we're all grieving in our own ways and I hope that eventually we will still be friends.

And it's going to be 104 degrees this afternoon--the services at the graveside will be SHORT.

Thanks for giving me a safe place to talk. My son came in to town unexpectedly and w/o calling first and he is the button pusher of all time. I need him to leave as soon as dinner is over. Hope he does. My DH has taken him golfing this morning so I can get ready in peace.

I'm just seeing this now Midkid - I'm sorry for your loss and all the family trauma you are now dealing with.

Another day--and I will be so grateful when this is all over.

We sibs are starting to get on each other's nerves (totally normal) and the YB with whom mom lived has taken over 100% of the control of who gets what and such. Several little things that were promised to one kid were taken by another.

I went up there yesterday to clean the 'archival stuff' and was astounded to see that the apartment was nearly bare. My YB had packed EVERYTHING and hauled it to GoodWIll. My YS is out of town and she texted us this am and said she wanted to go through mom's things when she got back. I did not have the heart to tell her that there ISN'T anything to go through! She is going to absolutely lose it--and there's nothing I can do. I reached out the YB who is now the executor and told him and kind of dumped this on him.

All that is left is bins of genealogy with some old pictures mixed in. All the books are going to the Sr Center she loved so much.

There's not a blouse or a sweater or a photo left. For a little hoarder, all the stuff she hoarded is gone.

I'm expecting fireworks, and will get them. That's just how sis is.

I tried to organize a family dinner at a nearby family style restaurant. OS refused to come saying the service would be too slow. YB didn't want to do ANYTHING and refused. So, it's just my family, which is fine.

I knew when mother passed, our family would fracture--I guess I had hoped it wouldn't have happened so fast.

Everyone is just grieving in their own way--and with 5 strong personalities--what did I expect?

Praying for strength to get through to 6 pm on Tuesday.

Arrangements are going pretty well. YB is falling to pieces, slowly and it's painful to watch. He is very hyper and very loud. (This is the son who had her living with him and his family). We're all tiptoeing around him.

We're trying to organize a family dinner post-funeral and I DID plan one and reached out to all the family, and my OS decided it wasn't OK for HER family, so they're going to a different buffet style restaurant that has notoriously awful food, but she says her grandkids will be 'running all over the place' and wants a buffet so they can eat and leave. I booked a nicer, family style place that has quick service and we can sit and relax. And it's 5 minutes away from the cemetery. The one OS picked is about a 20 minute drive and not close to anyone but her family.

Ah well--this too shall pass. I WISH that YB had not turned down the offer from his church to cater a meal for us. That's pretty standard in our church and why he made this decision w/o asking ANY of us is beyond me. Can't let go of the control, I guess.

We are at peace, but I know that after the funeral, we will all take a really nice long break from each other.

But---it's OK.

It's only 9 am and I am already kind of mad. My sis is super bossy (actually, all of us are, in our own way).

I am sad that we couldn't have made the funeral for today and be done with it. I need to be calm and heal and we have 3 more days of 'drama'.

Hardest thing is that YB still thinks he's the POA and he's making one sided decisions and is not sharing the info. It's a good thing I really don't care about a lot of this--

Aw... I'm happy to learn your Mom is now free! May you continue to experience the peace that surpasses all understanding. (((hugs)))

Ohm we know she 'knows it'. As the funeral director pointed out 4 or 5 caskets, all 4 of us looked at the pictures and almost in unison pointed to the one that was most 'her' and we all said "that one". I know she was there, making sure she got what she wanted.

I believe she is with daddy and her parents and beloved brother right now. I also believe she's 'hovering' between here and 'there' and will probably not totally leave us until after the burial. Not scary or weird, just there.

Looking forward to having this all put to bed. I'm tired and anxious and I know my YB is a little frantic. I kind of feel like medicating him :) But he did the most and was closest to mom.

What he doesn't know--and will be a huge blessing to his family is that 3 of us sibs are giving him our 'inheritance'--forgoing any monetary gifts that would have come to us. He'll only inherit about $40K, but it will ease his burden tremendously.

Midkid, your update has blessed me. We could all only hope for such unity and cooperation. Nice how the Lord provided your mom a nicer casket (although she'll not know it, but you all do).

I am so sorry, but sounds like you are at peace with it .

Mid,

I’m so glad to hear that you and your siblings are coming together and having so much peace between you! Such a blessing!

I don’t think it’s weird at all that your brother is cleaning. Everyone processes grief differently. With everything you’ve told us, he’s probably glad to be finally able to go in and give that part of his home a big clean.

Lovely casket story!

We've come together as a family to make the final plans and I am grateful that there's been pretty much complete agreement on everything, so far. Mom had pre-planned her funeral and pre-paid so there were no surprises. Only kind of a 'funny one'. She and daddy had pre-paid for their caskets, and daddy being frugal to the end, bought 2 of the cheapest, ugliest caskets b/c, well, they're just going in the ground, right?

Well, they were stored for a while--dad's for about 2 years, mother's for 23. When they went to pull it from storage, I guess it basically fell to pieces. The funeral director said he simply could not allow us to use it---and caskets are incredibly expensive (DH paid well over $10K for his dad's). Mom left a very small fund behind and really wants it to go to the kids. I just pulled out my AMEX card and the director said "No, I will show you what we will replace your mother's broken casket with and it will not cost more". We were able to get a lovely rose pink with brass fittings. I KNOW she is much happier, and we don't have to worry about the handles snapping off. (The things you don't think about!)

It was actually one of those 'funny' moments, since that was the ONE thing she was really mad at dad about, at the time they were purchased and then the 18 years since daddy died.

It's interesting how one of us will be "OK" and able to make decisions and then another one of us will dissolve into tears. No rhyme or reason at all. I am SO GRATEFUL for 4 sibs who, through the ups and downs of family life, are coming together to make this a lovely send off for mom.

YB is struggling the most. He was almost manic yesterday as he has begun cleaning out mother's apartment. He only did that so quickly b/c it was absolutely infested with moths and so dusty it's not safe to be in there w/o a mask. I'm going up today to help him.

It may seem 'wrong' to jump into cleaning so quickly, but he has all this pent up energy and he wants to move on. I worry for him, his health is awful--but removing the birds and the moth infestation will really help. It's how HE'S grieving and how I am also.

I appreciate all the kind words and thoughts coming from this site. You have all helped me tremendously. I did not have the best relationship with my mom, but at the very end, I was at peace, and I am grateful for that. Nothing was left 'unsaid' and we are all OK. YS is really struggling, but she has no religious beliefs and is having a hard time finding her balance. BUT--she has 4 sibs who love her.

Mom left a very large progeny--6 kids (one pre-deceased her) 25 grandchildren and 39 great grands. That's a LOT of love. And in the end? That's all that matters.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Praise The Lord that you know the truth of life after death. It makes such a huge difference for those left behind to know the loved one is no longer suffering and is with The Lord.

Sorry for your loss Midkid, hugs!

Midkid I am so sorry for your loss.

My deep condolences on your mother's passing. Even when expected, even if the relationship wasn't always great, and even if the passing was a blessing, I think when a parent dies part of us goes with them. A parent is one of our links to our past and we mourn the loss of one who shares our own history. May the next days, weeks, and months bring you peace as you adjust to your new world.

Midkid, Big hugs to you!

Be kind and patient with yourself the next little while.

I'm happy for you that you are a person of faith. That helps a lot!

Take good care.

Thank you for sharing your experience, the 'drama' as you called it, the frustrations & also the many funny stories.

I think even when Decline is shadowing someone for a long time, it is still a shock to realise the end has come.

May your family continue to support each other through this time & all the mess life brings.

(((Hugs))) to you today 😍
Your Mom is free now.

My deepest and most sincere condolences for your loss.
prayers and hugs for you

I am so sorry for your loss but I am happy that you will find peace.