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Shellybeau Posted September 2022

I feel so guilty.

I'm exhausted taking care of my mom. My sister's have a great life while they watch me over here completely taken care of someone who is 90 years old with no vision or hearing. I'm so bitter right now. I love my mom so much but I guarantee you she would never have done this for her own mother. She traveled the world. She would never have given up any amount of her life to take care of her mother. I feel like she believes that I am honored to take care of her. I just feel awful. I don't know how people do this

MargaretMcKen Sep 2022
Why don’t you ask your sisters if THEY feel guilty about leaving it all to you. They may well say something like ‘well you offered’. Say, I’m running out of the ability to keep going with it. Then see what they say. It’s better than just feeling bad with everyone and doing nothing about it. And it could be interesting – and useful!

lealonnie1 Sep 2022
My mother did take her mother in to live with us.....and became so angry, resentful and bitter, that it ruined my childhood, mom's life AND grandma's life! Mom was constantly yelling, carrying on, having a meltdown or raging at grandma. I have no idea why my father didn't step in and get grandma into a nursing home so ALL of us could've been spared the agony of that stressful home environment. None of of us deserved living like that, with the stress levels off the charts.

Why are you doing this and who's benefiting from the living arrangement?? Both you and mom have to be benefiting or its simply not working for either one of you. Mom can think you're "honored" to be caring for her, but that's her delusion and not the truth. The truth is, you're burned out, stressed out, angry and resentful at this situation. So what are you going to do to fix it?

Based on my childhood, I vowed never to take my mother in to live with me, or to do any hands on caregiving for her. I kept my word and she lived with dad in independent living, then Assisted Living and after dad died, Memory Care for 3 years before she died at 95 in Feb. I was able to preserve my relationship with her by keeping her at arms distance, and not subjecting myself to the hands on caregiving situation I knew would drive me crazy. It was hard enough to manage her entire life, finances and medical issues all by myself as it was.

Do whatever it takes to save YOUR sanity now and don't perpetuate this madness any longer. If mom is that tone deaf to think you're so honored to be caring for her, then she's blind to your true state of mind here and that leaves you vulnerable to breaking down. Compassion fatigue is a real thing, Google it.

Best of luck taking your life back.

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gladimhere Sep 2022
Why are you doing it? You certainly don't have to. You can and should be living your life. How did you become the designated one?

You feel guilty? You shouldn't. There is nothing wrong with wanting to live your life.

Geaton777 Sep 2022
It has been said many times on this forum that guilt is for felons. You're doing nothing wrong by wanting out from under an incredible burden. Think of what you are feeling as grief, not guilt. You are not morally or ethically obligated to provide your Mom's hands-on care. Bitterness may be the sign that you are in Burnout. Your sisters put up a boundary and maybe you should, too. You "just" have to accept the alternative care choice for her -- whatever that turns out to be. For some problems there are no really good solutions -- only least bad options. I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you make decisions.

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